“I can hear your gears grinding from over here, brother.”
I roll my eyes. “Julian, you got any sisters?”
“No, man. I’m the oldest of four boys.”
“Wow. Brothers. I wish I had a few more of those.”
He laughs. “No, you don’t. Trust me on that, ’cause I got the scars to back up what I say.”
I think about that for a minute. Justin couldn’t ever take me on. I swear I’ve been bigger than him since birth. But Julian? Yeah, he could totally best me—and has, during our practice sessions.
“Back to my point. You got something on your mind. Gimme.”
Sighing, I try to figure out how to explain it. “I’ve apologized to my sister. Over and over again. But it does no good. She just stares at me with this look on her face…” I trail off and shiver. “It’s like she’s plotting my death or something.”
Julian doesn’t say anything.
“I mean, I get it. I was a real little shit to her, but I didn’t rape her. And I swear to God, I didn’t know what Victor Patton was up to until it was too damn late.”
“So what did you do?”
I trip over a shoelace that’s come untied and curse. “She blames me for the outcome of the trial. Like I had any control over that.”
“Why would she think that?” He veers off the path to a bench. I prop my foot on it and retie my tennis shoe.
Julian’s pulling the psychoanalysis shit on me, and it’s getting on my nerves. “Look, man, I got called to testify about the scavenger hunt. Tell the court what it was, who played, what we had to do. Rape was never part of it. It wasn’t on a single player’s list.”
“So what was on the list?”
“My list had sex with an ex. I didn’t know that Victor’s list had sex with a virgin until…” I clench my jaw.
Julian looks at me, eyebrows raised, circling his hand in the air for me to go on.
“Until the day he hurt her.”
And then it all comes rushing out like vomit.
“I tried to stop him, Julian. I swear to God. I knew he’d been kind of sniffing around her, leading her on, but she was so insanely happy to have his attention, I let it go. When I did find out that was on his list, I went after them, checked every place I knew to look, but I figured he’d just put the moves on her and then hurt her feelings when he dumped her. I never expected him to force her.” I drop down to the bench, drag both hands through my hair, feeling the nausea bubble in my gut all over again, just like it’s done every day since the first. “I swear to you, I never knew, but she doesn’t believe me.”
“Damn, man. That’s rough.” He shakes his head. “Just what the hell was so cool about this scavenger hunt in the first place? I mean, why’d you get so into it? No offense, but sex with an ex? Sex with a virgin? That’s messed up.”
Yeah. I know it now. “I wish I had a good answer for you, bro. But I don’t. I just got sucked into it, like all the other guys.” That admission leaves such a sour taste in my mouth, I spit into the grass next to our bench. “Most of the shit on our lists was reckless, you know? Do this, say that, maybe get some people mad at you. But none of it was supposed to actually hurt anybody. And you know what totally sucks the most? The way the hunt was set up, the way the items were worded, yeah. People were gonna get hurt. That seems so obvious now, but it didn’t then. Am I really that stupid, that clueless?”
Julian doesn’t reply. He doesn’t have to. The record shows that I am indeed that stupid and clueless.
“Brother, you know what they say about hindsight.”
“Yeah, tell me about it.”
“So what’s this got to do with the outcome of the trial?”
I roll my head from side to side and feel my neck pop. “I was called to testify for Ashley. But Victor’s defense attorney tripped me up on his cross-examination. He asked me if anybody made plans about forcing girls, about taking points for our items on the hunt lists. I said not to my knowledge because that was true. Nobody did discuss it openly. But the truth is, a few of the guys did try to steal points. This one guy? Doug. He cornered my sister in a stairwell, but a teacher broke that up. And I heard some stories about cell phones aimed up girls’ skirts. But I didn’t say any of that on the stand because he asked me if anybody planned to force girls to get their points. How’s that for sibling loyalty? My sister’s rapist is on trial, and I’m giving testimony that paints the entire team out to be a bunch of choirboys,” I say with a sneer. “No wonder she hates my guts.”
I’m spiraling down a well of self-pity, so I take a breath and finish answering Julian’s question. “He asked me a bunch of other questions, one right after the other. You know, rapid fire? I barely had time to think about my answers. Anyway, the gist of it was I somehow testified, under oath, that Victor Patton wasn’t a real rapist and shouldn’t have to spend a decade of his life in jail for a stupid game.” I lean over my knees and hang my head, the shame too heavy to bear. “She wasn’t even in the courtroom, but somehow, she knows what I said. Long story short, the jury didn’t have sufficient evidence to convict on rape. They convicted on sexual assault. Big deal right? Well, it is. It means he got two years instead of ten. It means he’ll be out soon, man.” The thought makes my hands clench into fists.
Julian lets out a vicious curse and jumps to his feet, pacing a few steps away. Sighing loudly, he turns and stares at me. “Man, that is messed up.”
“Yeah. Tell me.”
Julian walks back toward me and bumps his fist to mine. “You need to let go of whatever it is you’re thinking right now.”
I’m thinking about how good it would feel to punch this fist into Vic’s lying mouth once or twice or twelve times.
“Derek.” He waits until I lift my gaze to his. “You know if that asshole breaks a fingernail, you’re the top suspect, right?”
“Yes,” I reply on a long disgusted sigh. “And don’t worry. I’ve already heard that bedtime story, and it doesn’t have a happy ending.”
“Sure would feel good, though.”
“Yeah, no shit.” I stand, and we resume our walk back to our dorm.
“So about the big rally,” he begins, and I hold up a hand.
“Yeah, I know. I’ll be there. Weirdly, after a few meetings with Ted Vega, I’m kind of looking forward to it. I actually signed up to speak at an event back home.” There are probably tons of secondary survivors like me who need advice on how to handle their feelings and how to be the strength their loved ones need so they can heal. I don’t know if I can help anybody else. But I have to do something. I didn’t do anything two years ago.
Julian shoots me a grin. “Good on you, Lawrence.”
Good on me. I resist the urge to swirl my finger in the air. It’s not enough, not even close to enough to convince Ashley to forgive me. But maybe, I’ll hate me just a little bit less.
9
Ashley
Your Honor, it’s true I let Victor kiss me and touch me, but that’s all I wanted to do. He chose to ignore me when I said stop. He chose. That choice should come with consequences.
—Ashley E. Lawrence, victim impact statement
TWO YEARS AGO
BELLFORD, OHIO
On my way down the rear stairs to the exit that leads to the field where we practice, I find Doug waiting, all suited up for football, helmet tucked under his arm.
“Hey, Ashley Lawrence,” he says with a grin that sends shivers of panic skating up my spine.
I turn to run back up the stairs, but he blocks my way.
“Get out of my way.”
Doug holds up his phone. “Show me your tits. Are they even real?”
Disgust twists inside me. “What? Get lost.” I move to one side, but Doug blocks me again.
“You’re gonna be late if you don’t do it,” he says in a singsong voice, aiming
the phone at my chest.
“I’m not showing you anything. Now get out of my way.” I shove him, but he doesn’t move.
“Look, you owe me after tripping me.”
“I owe you? You are seriously out of touch, dude.”
Instead, Doug takes a step closer. Jeez, he’s taller than I thought. And with all his gear on, a lot bigger than normal. Panic turns into fear.
“You know, tripping me wasn’t cool. We have a big game coming up. It’s your job to take care of me—”
Rage replaces fear. “I’m sorry—my job? Are you high?”
The door opens, startling both of us. The assistant coach, Mr. DeMaio, stands there along with two boys. One is Victor Patton, and the other is a boy I remember from the first day of school. Sebastian Valenti. Relief floods through me, and I move toward the open door.
Mr. DeMaio scowls. “Doug, you’re late.”
“Sorry.” But he doesn’t move. He just stares at me, grinning like a maniac.
Mr. DeMaio glares at Doug. “Mr. Patton, please make sure Doug gets where he’s supposed to be without getting lost.”
“Sure thing,” Vic says while Doug keeps grinning.
“See you later, Ashley.”
With a smack of cleats, they jog outside.
I clear my throat. “Thank you, Mr. DeMaio. Doug tried to touch me.”
“Ms. Lawrence, you need to make sure you’re where you’re supposed to be, when you’re supposed to be. Is that clear?”
I blink, not sure I heard him correctly. Maybe he hadn’t me correctly. “I said, Doug just tried to fondle me. Are you going to do anything about it?”
“There’s nothing I can do. I didn’t see anything, and it would be your word against his.”
“You didn’t see anything,” I repeat, numb. Oh my God. Candace was right.
• • •
“Hey, Ashley, you okay?” Candace asks me a few minutes later when I reach the field.
I shake my head. “Doug tried to…” I have a hard time saying it out loud.
“What? Get points off you?”
I nod. “He wouldn’t let me pass by him unless I…unless I lifted my shirt.”
“That’s because he’s a little turd who knows he’ll never see a girl’s boobs voluntarily, so he has to milk the Bengals hunt for anything he can get.”
“Candace, I want to tell the principal.”
She blows out a loud breath and shrugs. “Well, if you think it’ll help, go for it.”
“Why? You don’t?”
“Ashley,” she says with a frown. “I know you’re a freshman and don’t know everything yet, but trust me. Football’s important. McCloskey’s not gonna listen to you, especially not if it puts football at risk.”
“Maybe that’s because he doesn’t know about it,” I argue, but she just rolls her eyes.
“Oh, he knows about it. They all do and pretend they don’t. Ashley, I know it sucks, but it’s better to just roll with it.”
• • •
That evening, I stalk into our house and slam the door behind me. Mom and Dad stop talking and stare at me.
“Hey, Ash. Bad day?”
“Ugh!” I respond, sick to my stomach. “You have absolutely no idea. Every boy in that school is just…just…” I’m so mad, I can’t even find words.
“Sit down. I’ll reheat some dinner for you. Did you mess up your dance routine?” Mom asks, heading into the kitchen.
I flop down into a chair at the table. Dad follows a second later. “No. It’s not that. It’s…why do people do things they know are wrong? I just don’t understand.”
Dad’s eyes sharpen. “What do you mean, wrong?”
“The boys on the football team are playing this stupid game. It’s like a scavenger hunt, only the things on it aren’t things exactly. They’re stuff they have to do.”
“What kind of stuff?” Mom asks, popping a plate into the microwave.
I lift my arms and let them fall. “Apparently, chase our dancers around the field, demanding we let them kiss us, and…touch us.”
Dad and Mom exchange a worried glance.
“Why don’t you start at the beginning, Ash?” Dad leans forward.
So I do. I tell them everything. All of it. The hunt, the girls on the team, what happened with Brayden and Doug the other day when I tripped Doug, Derek’s big fight with Dakota, and what happened today, with Doug, in the stairwell. I tell them how the teacher claims he saw nothing and how Candace and Brittany hate it but won’t even try to do anything about it. Suddenly, the full impact of Brittany’s betrayal makes me cry. “She took his side, Daddy. I was trying to help her, make sure he didn’t touch her, and she took his side just because he’s important. I don’t get it. I just don’t get it.”
“Which was the one who hurt you?”
I bite my lip. “Well, he didn’t hurt me exactly. But it was Doug. He cornered me in the stairwell on my way out to dance practice. He wouldn’t let me by until I showed him my…”
With every word, Dad turns a little bit redder until he’s the color of a roaring fire. Abruptly, he shoves away from the table so fast, his chair topples over.
Mom and I chase him upstairs to Derek’s room. Derek’s scrolling through phone messages. He looks up when we all barge in. “What did I do this time?” he asks, rolling his eyes.
“Be quiet,” Dad orders.
“Dad, I haven’t had the best of days—”
“Derek, I said… Be. Quiet.” Dad’s voice rises.
Derek crosses his arms and waits, jaw clenched, for Dad to just get to the point. But Dad doesn’t say a word. He just stands by the door, staring at Derek. The scent of boy clings to the air—part sweat and part body spray. One minute goes by, then two, and Derek breaks first.
“Well? Just say it. I have homework to do.”
“Your sister was accosted today by one your teammates. He demanded that she show him her chest. Something to do with a scavenger hunt?”
Derek’s eyes swing to me, and a little pang of pride fills up my heart. Derek’s my Leo. He’ll fight for me. He’ll tear Doug apart. He’ll defend me, protect me.
Instead, he says, “Jesus Christ, you narc’d?”
My heart cracks.
Dad shoots into the room like a bullet, snatches Derek’s phone out of his hands, and starts scrolling through it. “Don’t you dare put this on her. I want to hear all about this scavenger hunt and your part in it right now.” He waves Derek’s phone at him. “I get the distinct impression you see nothing wrong with this tradition of yours.” Dad actually makes air quotes.
Derek laughs once. “Jeez, Dad, it’s just a team thing. The guys bond over some spirited competition, and the girls love the attention.”
Dad’s brown eyes half pop out of his head. “Are you actually listening to yourself right now? Do you hear the words coming out of your mouth?”
Derek sucks in a deep breath, but he’s turning as red as Dad. “Yeah, I’m hearing the words. Like I said, it’s not that big a deal.”
“Derek, I want to know one thing. Did you or did you not get back together with Dakota Harper just to get points in this stupid game?”
Derek doesn’t reply but keeps glaring at me.
“Derek?” Mom prompts.
He clenches his teeth so tight, I can hear them grinding from across the room. “It’s not as if I don’t like her.”
“Oh, it’s not like you don’t like her. That’s a really great reason to have sex. ‘Hey, Dakota! I don’t not like you. Let’s sleep together.’ I’m sure she just melted at that.” Dad laughs, but it’s a scary sound, not a happy one. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him so mad. “And here it is. Our son’s scavenger hunt list.” He shows Mom the screen of Derek’s phone.
Derek doesn’t say a word. But I know what’s
on it. And now, so do Mom and Dad.
“Sex with an ex.” Dad looks up from the phone with eyes that could bore holes through solid wood. “I’ll ask again. Is this the only reason why you asked Dakota out again?”
Derek’s face goes all the way to red.
“Answer me,” Dad snaps.
Derek’s eyes shoot to Mom’s, but she only angles her head and circles her hands, impatient with his stalling. Derek swallows. “Uh, well…kind of.”
“Oh. Kind of. I see. And did you tell her that or pretend you really missed her?”
Derek lowers his eyes. “No.”
“Which is it, Derek? What did you tell her exactly?” Dad sits down and crosses his legs, like he’s having a pleasant conversation with a neighbor about the weather, except we both know he’s furious.
“I…I—” Derek’s eyes swing from Dad to me to Mom and back again. “I…um…promised that I’d take her to the homecoming dance.”
“Oh, did you? How nice. So you decided that escorting her to the dance was a small price to pay for…let me see…a hundred points?” Dad’s voice is reaching new decibel levels.
Derek doesn’t say anything.
“And you think—you actually believe—this is okay?” Mom demands.
Derek cracks his neck. “Dad, I asked if she wanted to get back together. She could have just said no.”
Dad’s eyes go narrow as slits at that. “Oh. She could have just said no. Okay, Derek. What about your sister? She did say no. Is it okay with you what your friend did to her today?”
Derek doesn’t even glance at me. He just frowns. “I…okay. That’s different. They’re not together.”
“Oh, so that’s your line? It’s perfectly okay when the girl is dating you?” Dad explodes. “Girls aren’t here for you to use, Derek!” He flings up his hands and takes a few steps away and spins back around. “You know what really gets me? You don’t even see it! You’re still sitting there, trying to find ways to excuse this behavior.” He leans in, real close to Derek’s face. “I’m gonna make this crystal clear for you. I know football and being on this team are important to you. And I know you’ve got this problem with your sister. I don’t understand it, but I’ve been trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. But I’m telling you right now, nobody treats her the way you treated Dakota Harper. If this is how those players treat girls, I don’t want you playing on that team.”