Solution 1: Pull Your Life Together
While Popular Sanguines are often the ones voted “Most Likely to Succeed,” they frequently don’t succeed. They have the ideas, the personality, the creativity, but they seldom get it all pulled together at any given time. If they happen to hit instant success, they ride high, but if it takes years of planning and work, they will quit and head off in another direction. Many Popular Sanguines change jobs, even careers, every few years because they see the crown is elusive in this kingdom, so they’d better move on.
Many Popular Sanguines become pastors because they like the platform ministry, and love to have “all eyes on me” for at least an hour a week. Although they are charming and entertaining, they are frequently ill-prepared and often trying to pull themselves together at the last minute.
One wedding I attended was conducted by a handsome pastor. He came out before the wedding, clipped on his mike, and announced the opening song. Suddenly a look of panic came over his face; he took off his mike, and he ran back and forth between the two pulpits searching through papers. He had forgotten the book where he had written the couple’s names, and he had no idea who they were. The wedding march started, so he ran back to position, clipped on the mike, and gave a big smile to the audience. The service was charming and personal but with unusual vows with no names mentioned. Suddenly he got a bright idea. He stopped and asked the couple to kneel for one minute of silent prayer. He instructed the congregation and the wedding party to bow their heads, close their eyes, and meditate. While they were doing as he asked, he quickly took off the mike, bolted out the side door, ran across the patio, and disappeared into his office. Instantly he emerged carrying a book, tiptoed back in place, clipped on his mike, took a deep breath, and said, “Amen.” He then opened the book and proceeded to read the rest of the ceremony correctly. (The silent prayer kept most heads down, but naturally I peeked, and Fred clocked the trip at forty-seven seconds.)
While Popular Sanguine stories are funny, they show that the Popular Sanguine means well but seldom reaches his potential. He doesn’t want to get down to work today. Something always comes up. Pleasure outranks work.
In counseling experiences, I find the Popular Sanguine most willing to agree that he must get down to work and get organized. He will admit he has not achieved what he set out to do in life, and he wants to improve. I spend time showing him what to do and send him out to do it. He means well, but things come up and he can’t quite get to it. By the time he remembers he was going to make some changes, he’s lost the list, and it probably wouldn’t have worked anyway.
Does this sound like any of you? You Popular Sanguines have the greatest potential of all. It is possible for a Popular Sanguine to reach the top of anything, but you must start today to pull your life together. If you wait until tomorrow something will come up.
Solution 2: Grow Up
Ye Younglings!
Ye Popular Sanguine, shallow hearted boys
Shakespeare knew temperaments, and in writing about Popular Sanguines, referred to one of their greatest weaknesses—their desire to never grow up. Popular Sanguines live like Peter Pan and want to fly off to Never-Never Land rather than face the harsh realities of life.
No business or marriage can function profitably when one, or both, of the partners refuses to grow up. Maturity does not depend on age; it depends on our willingness to face our responsibilities and make realistic plans to meet them.
David cried out, “Oh that I had wings like a dove! for then would I fly away . . . ” (Ps. 55:6). But he didn’t run away from trouble, he faced it squarely, called upon God for help in time of trouble, and overcame what seemed like insurmountable odds.
REMEMBER
The Popular Sanguine needs a Savior.
Without divine help how can he:
Curb his tongue.
Control his ego.
Not think too highly of himself.
Cultivate his memory.
(The Holy Spirit gives remembrance.)
Concern himself with others.
Look out for others and not for himself.
Count the cost.
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
Philippians 4:13
CHAPTER 9
Let’s Cheer Up Perfect Melancholy
The Perfect Melancholy person is a study in contrasts. He has the highest highs and the lowest lows. He loves the study of the temperaments because it gives him analytical tools to use in his constant search for introspection—and yet he resists the temperaments because he is afraid the theory is too simple, too easy to understand, and is not deep enough to be significant. He refuses to be put in a box with a label, because he feels that, unlike other temperaments, he is a unique being, complex, not known even to himself, and surely not able to be put in any general grouping.
One of a Kind?
The one amazing constant in the true Perfect Melancholy is his belief that no one else in life is just like him. He has always been able to prove to himself that he is right and the world is wrong. He knows he could be happy if others would be like him.
One of the most amazing benefits we have found in our seminars is in showing the Perfect Melancholies they are not unusual. Others do think, look, and act as they do. When we divide the audience into groups, according to how they score on their Personality Profile, the Perfect Melancholies file out reluctantly. They don’t want to “play games,” and heaven forbid they should relax and have fun! When they do get together, however, it is as if the veil has been lifted. They all pull their chairs up neatly to the table; they all are dressed meticulously; they all have their pens in hand; and they all are suspicious of one another.
As they look around and begin to analyze the group, the light goes on, and they see they are similar. As they all quietly inspect each other, they see there is validity to the study of the temperaments. Sometimes a smile or two is seen as they recognize the unity evident in the group.
One man told me this moment of truth was the changing point in his marriage. He had come to our seminar at the insistence of his Popular Sanguine wife, who had left him twice before and was about to again. In his eyes, all their problems were because of her. She took life too lightly; she had won all the children to her side by what must be bribery; and she had failed to master housework in twenty-eight years of marriage. He lived alone in a house with eight children by shutting himself away physically, mentally, and emotionally—leaving her to cope.
As he went off to the Perfect Melancholy group that day in Phoenix, he did so with no desire to learn a thing; he told me he was shocked to sit and look around the table and see clones of himself.
“At that very instant,” he said, “I could see what my wife had been looking at all these years. I could see in the faces of the others the reflection of me. I could see the depth and seriousness of purpose, but I could also see a superior attitude and a total lack of humor. I went home that night and apologized to my wife for being her stone-faced judge for twenty-eight years. She cried and said, ‘I never thought you’d be able to see yourself as others see you. Thank God.’
“As I put my arms around her with a warmth and acceptance I’d not ever shown, I knew our marriage had been healed.”
How much we can learn if we examine those traits that apply to our basic temperament and learn from them!
PROBLEM: Perfect Melancholies Are Easily Depressed
Solution 1: Realize No One Likes Gloomy People
A cartoon by Colman titled “Men and Women” shows a couple facing each other. He looks depressed and she says, “If this is happy, what are you like when you’re sad?” With Perfect Melancholies it is sometimes hard to tell happy from sad, because they don’t ever want to get too excited, and most of life is serious—if not downright depressing. While Perfect Melancholy is offended by the loud, manipulative Powerful Choleric, what he doesn’t realize is how he controls others by his moods. As people learn what turns him off, th
ey try their best to not trigger him into a decline. This touchy relationship is difficult at best, and people try to avoid contact, if possible.
Once you Perfect Melancholies realize what you are doing with your moods, you can begin to improve. As Popular Sanguine has to force himself to get organized, you have to force yourself to be cheerful. As I explained this principle to my son, he countered, “But I don’t feel cheerful.”
“You don’t have to feel cheerful, just be cheerful. I’d rather have phony joy than genuine depression.”
Realize no one likes gloomy people. Even if you have every reason in the world to go hang yourself, no one wants to hear about it. As Perfect Melancholies get older, they tend to get more mournful. They decide no one loves them anymore, and then set out to prove themselves right. The little widow sits there feeling lonely. A nice lady from the church comes by and asks, “How are you today?”
The Perfect Melancholy, taking life seriously, tells her every problem she’s had in a month. She goes on and on in dreary detail, ending with—“And no one ever comes to see me.”
The nice visitor drags herself out into the sunlight and determines never to go see her again. Her name is then added to the mental list of those who don’t come anymore, and the Perfect Melancholy has perpetuated her own negative beliefs. If only Perfect Melancholies could realize that no one likes gloomy people, they could work toward a less pessimistic view of life.
Solution 2: Don’t Look for Trouble
Perfect Melancholies tend to take everything too personally, and they frequently look for trouble. One girl told me, “My husband is so negative, if we go to see a bad movie, he makes me feel like I produced it.”
Perfect Melancholies have particularly hard times with Popular Sanguine /Powerful Cholerics because they blurt out whatever goes through their minds without thinking of the consequences. Because Perfect Melancholy has preplanned each statement, he assumes others have also, and therefore, he reads into each casual comment a deep, hidden meaning.
As you Perfect Melancholies begin to understand the different temperaments, a big weight will be lifted from you. You will realize, perhaps for the first time, that the Popular Sanguine/Powerful Cholerics are not out to get you. They haven’t given you that much thought, and they surely have not planned ahead. As you learn to evaluate others by their set of temperament traits (and not by your own), you will have a whole new outlook on people. You can smile at each passing person, and stop looking for trouble.
Perfect Melancholies often feel left out and wonder why they are not invited to social events; and yet, when approached, they frequently turn people off with their negative responses. One day we asked such a woman to come to a party at our home. Instead of showing any enthusiasm, she replied, “Well, I’ll be out all day and won’t accomplish a thing, so I guess I might as well blow the whole night too.”
Sometimes a Perfect Melancholy can take a positive situation and turn it into a negative. The last time I went to the hairdresser, he sighed as soon as I sat down, and said, “Your daughter is sure giving me trouble.” I assumed Marita must have been late for an appointment, and I asked, “What has she done wrong?” He replied, “She keeps sending me new customers. She’s sent me at least ten new ones this month, and what’s worse, they like me and keep coming back!”
A friend gave me this list she found on her grandmother’s dresser:
JEAN HASN’T SENT ME A CHRISTMAS CARD IN TWO YEARS
SUE DIDN’T KISS ME GOOD-BYE
EVELYN CAME OUT INTO HER YARD AND DIDN’T SAY HI
RUTH DIDN’T RUN ME AROUND TODAY AS I ASKED
HAZEL WON’T COME TO VISIT GRANDPA AND SAYS HE’S NOT HER RESPONSIBILITY
Who knows how the grandmother was planning to use this information, but she was writing it down so she’d never forget.
To test the theory that Perfect Melancholies really remember the negatives, I asked a group of musicians I was working with if they could recall any incident in which a teacher in their first few grades had done them in. Instantly all hands went up, and we listened for thirty minutes as they gave the details of their demises.
One told of the kindergarten teacher who wouldn’t let him have milk with his graham crackers; one of how he was accused of pulling the pigtail of the girl in front of him, when it was really the boy in the green shirt; and one was still hurt over the teacher who pinned a note on him, showing she didn’t think he was smart enough to carry it home.
Fred can recall many incidents of his childhood in which he felt put upon. He was the middle child of five and thought he was not old enough to get the privileges and too old to get the attention. In the family movies he’s frequently in tears, and his brothers called him “Wha Wha” for Crybaby. Although he now knows his problems were accentuated by his Perfect Melancholy temperament, he can still recall negative incidents vividly.
My Perfect Melancholy son, Fred, gets close to excited when a wing of the school burns down, or when there was a drug raid and half the eighth grade was sent to jail. Nothing short of tragedy moves him, and he enjoys focusing on the negatives.
It is only logical to assume that when one spends much mental energy dwelling on negatives, such a mind falls easily into depression. Perfect Melancholy needs to keep his thoughts on the positives, and the minute he finds himself focusing on the negative aspect of anything , he must refuse those thoughts an entrance. “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee . . . ” (Isa. 26:3). “ . . . If there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things” (Phil. 4:8).
Solution 3: Don’t Get Hurt So Easily
Perfect Melancholies actually enjoy getting hurt and this problem again focuses their eyes on themselves and how “put upon” they are. When my husband, Fred, was a teenager, he was deeply Perfect Melancholy, and he noticed he was not getting his share of the outside cuts of the Sunday roast. Since everyone in the family liked the spicy edges, and Fred felt he was neglected, he began to keep a “Roast Beef Chart.” For sixteen weeks he wrote his entries each Sunday: Jan. 12, AUNT EDIE AND DICK; Jan. 19, STEVE AND GRANDPA. . . . One day his mother was cleaning his room, and she lifted the blotter on his desk. Here was this strange list with all these dates and names. When he came home, she asked him what it was, and he smugly told her, “This is the chart of who got the outside cuts of the roast beef. You will notice that in sixteen weeks my name does not appear. Now I have proof of how neglected I am.”
His Powerful Choleric mother could hardly believe he would take the time to keep a record of the end cuts of the Sunday roast, but he reveled in negative truth.
Many Perfect Melancholies go out of their way to be hurt. Right from the beginning little Perfect Melancholies feel left out or neglected. Here’s an example:
On Christmas, six-year-old Joshua had a predictably unsatisfactory day. First of all, he took inventory of his “toy” presents and those of his cousin Laura. He found she had received more. Although Joshua had new clothes and Star Wars bedding, he had tears streaming down his face as he cried, “Santa Claus likes Laura better!”
Solution 4: Look for the Positives
Perfect Melancholies gather criticism that no one ever made. If they hear their name mentioned across the room, they will know people are saying bad things about them. In contrast, Popular Sanguines feel that if they’re being talked about at all, it’s good. They believe the old adage, “There’s no such thing as bad publicity.”
The Perfect Melancholy mind is like a radio dial on which the station is set on negative, but much of the emphasis can be changed when Perfect Melancholy decides to look for the silver lining, instead of sitting under the black cloud. Look for the best in people, and when things go wrong, thank God for the experience and ask Him what positive lesson you are to learn from this. “ . . . Happy [is] the man who puts his trust in the Lord” (Prov. 16:20 TLB).
Solution 5: Read Blow Away the Black Clouds
In my book Blow Away the Black Clouds (Harv
est House), I go into the symptoms of depression and the areas of self-help, outside help, and spiritual help. This simple study will bring understanding to all temperaments on the subject of depression and will be especially helpful to Perfect Melancholies.
REMEMBER
Accentuate the positives.
Eliminate the negatives.
PROBLEM: Perfect Melancholies Have Low Self-Images
Solution 1: Search Out the Source of Your Insecurities
Because of their inborn negative inclinations, Perfect Melancholies focus their judgment most harshly upon themselves. They tend to feel insecure in social situations. They are usually attracted to Popular Sanguine mates who can do their conversing for them. I’ve met brilliant Perfect Melancholies, nationally known in their fields, who appeared to be terrified they might be asked to say a few words at a dinner party. Perfect Melancholies’ low self-image often comes from criticism given them by their parents and teachers when they were young. Since Perfect Melancholies soak up negatives, people tend to put more on them. I’ve noticed in women’s club work that presidents who let criticism get to them, get picked on. Those who don’t let it bother them are left alone.
I have made up a self-image chart for women. It asks them their opinion of their hair, weight, eyes, talent, spirituality, and many other factors. After each woman writes her instant opinion of herself, I ask her to go back over the list and note where she first picked up this opinion. Was it her mother telling her she had terrible hair? Her father saying she wasn’t very bright? Amazing insight comes to women as they do this simple exercise. They begin to realize why they have low self-images. I then have them evaluate whether their opinion is a valid one today, or whether it’s a leftover. If it’s valid, then we work out a schedule of improvement. If it is a myth, they ask the Lord to remove such fictional negatives from their minds. “Hear my prayer, O LORD, and let my cry [for help] come unto thee” (Ps. 102:1).