“You believe in him now.”
“Oh, I believe in him all right. God help me.”
“Another prayer,” Payne said.
“I’ll be starting home tomorrow. I’ll phone as soon as I get back. Maybe you’ll have the results of the biopsy by then.”
“Maybe.” Payne’s voice sank. “Have a safe trip.”
I murmured, “Thanks,” and hung up.
Please, God, keep his wife healthy, I thought.
I lay on the bed and closed my eyes. The draperies shut out the late—afternoon light. I wanted to sleep forever.
Please, God, I hope you didn’t let Kate and Jason suffer.
I couldn’t help thinking about the good and bad things that religion could do to people. I couldn’t help thinking about Lester Dant running from one church and showing up at another and …
5
The shock of the idea made me sit up. I found myself standing excitedly, thinking about what Lester Dant, posing as my brother, had told me more than a year earlier.
“As I wandered from town to town, I learned that an easy way to get a free meal was to show up at church socials after Sunday—morning services.”
Jesus, I thought, he would have continued doing what worked. He’d have gone to another church in another small town. Payne had been right. The pattern was there. I just hadn’t recognized it.
In a rush, I arranged my computer and printer on a table next to the bed. I unplugged the room’s phone from the wall and attached my own phone line, connecting it to my computer. Then I turned on the computer and made adjustments to my Internet—access program so I could shift from AOL’s Denver phone number to one that it used in the Loganville area.
The next thing, I logged on to an Internet geography site and printed a map for Ohio, along with ones for the surrounding states of Michigan, Indiana, Kentucky, West Virginia, and Pennsylvania. What I wanted was a list of towns. Dant would have avoided cities. I was sure of it. After the smothering closeness of having been imprisoned underground, I imagined him recoiling from the congestion of cities.
The maps gave me hundreds of names. Too many to be of use, but a start. I made the list more practical by eliminating the names of towns that were on the extreme reaches of the other states. I further reduced the list by eliminating Indiana, convinced that Dant would have avoided going back to where he’d been imprisoned. That left Ohio, Michigan to the north of it, Kentucky and West Virginia to the south, and Pennsylvania to the east.
But the towns in them weren’t what I cared about. What I wanted were the names of churches in those towns. I typed “Churches in Ohio” into the Internet’s “Search For” box. A list appeared, complete with their locations and their Web site addresses. I matched them with the towns on my list. I did the same with churches in Kentucky, West Virginia, Pennsylvania, and Michigan. I eliminated any church with a saint’s name in it, certain that Dant would have avoided Catholic, Anglican, and Greek Orthodox churches. Their theology and ritual would have been alien to him. I need to identify Protestant congregations, I thought, and then I can —
A loud knock on the door distracted me.
I jerked my head in that direction.
Sunlight had long since faded from behind the draperies. I looked at my watch. Almost seven hours had passed. The hands were close to midnight. The loud knock was repeated. “Mr. Denning?” a man’s voice asked.
When I stood, my legs ached from having sat so long. I went to the door, squinted through the tiny lens, and saw an elderly man in a jacket and tie. I kept the security chain on the door when I opened it and peered through the five—inch gap. “What is it?” The stark floodlights in the parking lot made me blink.
“I just wanted to make sure that everything was all right. Our computer shows that you’ve been on the phone since around five o’clock, but when I tried to access the line to make sure you hadn’t fallen asleep and left the phone off the hook, all I got was static.”
“I’ve been catching up on office work.”
The man looked puzzled.
“On the Internet,” I said, pointing toward my computer on the corner table, which I later realized he couldn’t see.
The man looked more puzzled.
“You have my credit—card number,” I said. “I’ll gladly pay all the phone charges.”
“As long as everything’s okay.”
“Couldn’t be better.”
“Have a nice night.”
He left, and I became aware of throbbing in my head, of cramps in my stomach. Through the crack in the door, I saw a harsh red—and—blue neon sign across the street. The words it flashed were STEAKS ’N’ SUDS. Two eight—een—wheeler trucks were at the edge of the crowded parking lot. Begrudging the time I’d be wasting but telling myself that I couldn’t be any use to Kate and Jason if I didn’t maintain my strength, I disconnected from the In— ternet, locked the room behind me, and walked toward country music—a jukebox playing something about a one—man woman and a two—timing man—coming from the restaurant’s open windows.
6
Forty minutes later, the steak sandwich I’d eaten felt heavy in my stomach. I recalled the strict healthy diet that I’d put myself on in preparation for my search. Tomorrow, I’ll rededicate myself, I vowed. Tomorrow.
“Here’s your coffee to go,” the waitress said.
“Thanks.”
As I left the restaurant, about to cross the parking lot, a noise made me pause. The jukebox had stopped, but the conversations of the crowd inside were loud enough that I had to strain to listen harder. On my right. Around the side of the restaurant. I heard it again. A groan.
A woman’s groan.
“Think you can leave me?” A man’s muffled voice came from around the corner. “You’re dumber than I always said you were.”
I heard a metallic thump, as if someone had fallen against a car. Another groan.
Inside, the jukebox started playing again: something about lonely rooms and empty hearts. The careful Brad I’d once been would have gone back into the restaurant and told the manager to call the police. But how long would it take the police to arrive, and what would happen in the meantime?
Imagining Kate being punched, I unzipped the fanny pack I always wore. Knowing that I could draw the pistol if I needed it, I walked to the restaurant’s corner. There were only a few windows on that side. Away from the glare of the neon lights, my eyes needed a moment to adjust before I saw moving shadows between two parked cars: a man striking a woman.
“Stop,” I said.
The man spun toward my voice. The minimal light showed a beefy face. A chain on his belt was attached to a big wallet in his back pocket. “This is a private conversation. Stay out of it.” He shoved the woman to the asphalt. “You don’t want to live with me anymore? Well, either you live with me or you don’t live at all.”
“I told you to stop.”
“Get lost, pal, or when I finish my family business, I’ll start on you.”
“Get lost? You just said the two words I hate the most.”
“You heard me, buddy.” The man jerked the woman to her feet and pushed her into a car. When she tried to struggle out, he struck her again.
“But you’re not hearing me.” Conscious of the pistol in my fanny pack, I stepped closer.
“All right, I gave you a chance to butt out!” The man spun toward me again. “Now it’s your turn.”
“Must be my lucky night.”
He lunged.
The take—out coffee was in my left hand, the liquid so hot that it stung my fingers through the Styrofoam cup. I yanked the lid from the cup and threw the steaming contents at the man’s face, aiming for his eyes.
The man shrieked and jerked his hands toward his scalded face.
I drove stiff fingers into his stomach, just below the V of the rib cage, the way I’d been taught.
Sounding as if he might vomit, the man doubled over.
I kicked sideways toward a nerve that
ran down the outside of his left thigh.
Paralyzed, his leg gave out, toppling him to the pavement, where he shrieked harder from the pain in his leg.
I yanked his hands from his face and drove the heel of my right palm against his nose, once, twice, three times. Cartilage cracked. I stepped back as blood spurted.
He dropped to the pavement and lay motionless. Ready to hit him again, I shoved him onto his side so the blood would drain from his nose. I felt for a pulse, found one, smelled his sour alcohol—saturated breath, and turned to the woman slumped in the car. “Are you all right?”
She moaned. I was appalled by the bruises on her face.
“Are you strong enough to drive?” I asked.
“I don’t …” The woman was off—balance when I helped her from the car. Her lips were swollen. “Yes.” She took a deep breath. “I think I can drive. But …”
“Do it.”
Behind me, the man groaned.
“Hurry,” I said. “Before he wakes up.”
Through blackened eyes, the woman looked around in confusion. Bruises that deep couldn’t develop in just a few minutes, I knew. They were the consequence of numerous other beatings.
“Drive?” she asked plaintively. “How? I ran here. I hoped I could borrow money from a girlfriend who works in this place. It turns out she called in sick. He was waiting instead.”
Stooping beside the man on the pavement, I satisfied myself that he was still too dazed to realize what was going on. I pulled his car keys from his pants. Then I took his big wallet from his back pocket and removed all the money he had—what looked like a hundred dollars.
“Here,” I told the woman. I pulled out my own wallet and gave her most of the cash I had—around two hundred.
“I can’t accept this,” she said.
“My wife would have wanted me to give it to you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Take this. Please. Because of my wife.”
The woman looked at me strangely, as if trying to decipher a riddle. “I have a sister in Baltimore,” she said as I gave her the man’s car keys.
“No, it’s the first place he’ll look,” I said. “If you’d robbed a bank, would you hide at your sister’s? Too obvious. You have to pretend that you’re running from the police.”
“But I haven’t done anything wrong!”
“Keep telling yourself that. You haven’t done anything wrong. But that son of a bitch over there certainly has. You have to keep reminding yourself that your only goal in life is to stay away from him.” In Denver, when life had been normal, I’d been proud of the volunteer work Kate had done as a stress counselor at a shelter for battered women. I knew the drill. “Pick a city where you’ve never been. Pittsburgh.” I chose it at random. “Have you ever been to—”
“No.”
“Then go to Pittsburgh. It’s only a couple of hundred miles from here. Leave the car at a bus station, and go to Pittsburgh. Look in the phone book under ‘Community Services.’ Look for the number of the women’s shelter.”
7
I trembled in my motel room, amazed by the rage that had overtaken me. For a moment, as the bastard had come at me, I’d almost shot him. The only thing that had stopped me was the realization that the shot would have sent people scurrying from the restaurant. Someone might have seen me. The police would have come after me. How could I have looked for Kate and Jason if I were in jail?
8
For reasons important to my family and me, my E—mail said, I’m looking for information about a young man who might have come to your church in the late summer or in the fall nineteen years ago. I realize that it’s hard to remember that far back, but I think that the circumstances would have been unusual enough that someone in your congregation would recall him. The boy would have been in his midteens. He would have collapsed against the front door of your church early before Sunday services, so that the first person to arrive would have found him there. He would have been wearing torn clothes and would have had scrapes and scratches, suggesting that he’d been in an accident of some sort. He wouldn’t have been able to recall his name or what had happened to him or how he had come to be at your church. Members of the congregation would have taken care of him—in particular, women—because something about his eyes invites mothering. He would have been able to quote the Bible from memory but otherwise would have been unable to read or write. Someone, probably a woman, would have tried to teach him. Ultimately, he would have stolen from the people who helped him, perhaps have beaten them also, and have fled town. It may be that near the end he “remembered” that his name was Lester Dant. If you have any knowledge of someone like this, please send me an E—mail at the above address. I very much need to learn everything I can about this person. A year ago, he kidnapped my wife and son.
9
The next morning, after a torturous sleep, I sent that message to the E—mail address of every church on my list. Staring at my computer screen, I silently asked God to help me. All I could do now was wait.
The need to urinate finally made me move. But once in motion, I remembered Payne’s remark that as long as I stayed in motion, I was less likely to do something foolish to myself. I went for a five—mile run. I returned and checked to see if I had any E—mail. Nothing. I did an hour of exercises, then checked my E—mail again. Still nothing.
What did I expect? That someone at each church would faithfully read the church’s E—mail every morning, that word of my message would spread instantly throughout each congregation, that people who remembered something like the events I’d described would immediately send an E—mail back to me? I have to be patient, I warned myself. Even in small towns, news doesn’t get around as fast as I want it to. If there’s a reply to be had, I probably won’t receive it until evening.
So I showered, dressed, and tried to read. I went out and got a sandwich. I took a walk. I watched CNN. But mostly I kept checking to see if any E—mail had arrived. None did. By midnight, I gave up, shut off the lights, and tried to sleep.
But unconsciousness wouldn’t come, and finally, betraying my resolve of the previous night, I went down the road to a bar and grill, where I wasn’t likely to be recognized. If the man I’d beaten was looking for me, the logical place he’d do it was the restaurant across from the motel. This time, it took four beers and a shot of bourbon before I felt stupefied enough to go back to my room and try to sleep. I’m going to hell, I told myself.
I am in hell.
Around dawn, I woke, but there still wasn’t any message. I faced another day of waiting. Time dragged on, until I admitted that I’d been a fool to have hoped. I hadn’t been brave enough to identify with Lester Dant as closely as I’d needed to. I’d been wrong in my prediction of where he’d gone nineteen years previously and of what he’d done when he’d arrived there. Vowing that I couldn’t persist in leading my life the way I was, wondering if I wanted to lead my life at all, I checked my E—mail and tensed at the discovery of four messages.
10
I was certain that they didn’t exist, that I’d tricked myself into seeing things. With a sense of unreality, I stared at them. Unsteady, I printed them out. Each was from a different state: Kentucky, West Virginia, Pennsylvania, and Ohio. Initially, their sequence was alphabetic, based on the sender’s name, but after I reread them several times, I arranged them so that they formed a geographical and chronological narrative.
Mr. Denning, the first began. Your message so disturbed me that it took me a long time to face up to answering it. My husband told me not to pain myself, but I can’t bear the thought that other people have suffered. The writer identified herself as Mrs. Donald Cavendish, and the details of her message paralleled what Mrs. Garner had told me. If a rape had occurred, Mrs. Cavendish didn’t mention it, but I had a disturbing sense of a deeper hurt than even the strong facts of her message accounted for. He hadn’t called himself Lester, though. He hadn’t used any name at all. The night th
at he’d disappeared, he’d burned down their house.
This had happened in November, a month after he’d brutalized Mrs. Garner. What had occurred in the interval? I checked my maps and found that the town in Kentucky was two hundred miles from Loganville, Ohio. After Lester spent the money that he’d stolen from Mrs. Garner, had he wandered, subsisting on the proceeds from house break—ins and liquor—store robberies until his aimless path took him to Kentucky?
The next message (as I arranged them) was from the neighboring state of West Virginia and described events one year later, when Lester (he used only his first name) had been welcomed by a churchgoing family whose teenage daughter he eventually victimized. It was the daughter who sent me the E—mail, revealing what she’d hidden from her parents until she was an adult. Lester had warned her that if she told anyone what he’d done, he’d come back one night and kill her. To prove his point, he’d strangled her cat in front of her. The next night, he’d robbed the house, stolen the family car, and disappeared. The police had found the fire—gutted car two hundred miles away, but although Lester was gone, it had taken the daughter a long time before she’d stopped having nightmares about him.
The third message (from Pennsylvania) described events a surprising eight years later. He’d shortened his first name to Les. His methods had changed. In his mid—twenties now, he no longer had the air of vulnerability that had made it so easy to portray himself a victim and win the compassion of a small—town congregation. Instead, he’d showed up at the church and offered to do odd jobs in exchange for meals. His amazing ability to quote any Bible passage from memory had endeared him to the congregation. This time, it was the church that he’d burned.
But it was the fourth message that disturbed me most. It was from a man who described events thirteen years after the fire in which Lester Dant’s parents had been killed. It came from a town in central Ohio. This time when Lester had disappeared, he’d taken the man’s wife. She’d never been found. But Lester hadn’t used his first name or its abbreviation, Les. He’d used an entirely different first name. It turned me cold.