When he got up to leave at the end of the session, Vivian said, “Thank you for staying, Kieran, it was extremely brave.”
“Whatever!” he said without even looking at her. But he didn’t sound angry.
Vivian was right; it was brave of him to stay, the bravest thing ever, trusting Vivian enough to sit back down. I couldn’t help feeling like I was the coward. I was the one who was too scared to face up to what was happening at home, to cope with everything changing again. I suddenly got this image of my granddad taking his umbrella out with him every day, just in case it rained.
Gemma was waiting for me right outside. “You didn’t miss much at registration,” she said. “Mrs Palmer went on about the boys’ toilets for a change, and said she needs volunteers for the summer fair. We could run a stall together if you like…”
I was only half-listening. I was still thinking about Vivian and what she said, wondering if I could be as brave as Kieran – if I could find the courage to go home after school and tell Dad I’d seen him in the cafe, however difficult it was. I didn’t want to be Maddie Mouse any more. I didn’t want to be like my granddad.
“How was the session?” said Gemma as we walked towards our lockers. “Did you tell Vivian what’s been going on?”
I shook my head. “It’s not really like that, but she did say something about me being scared and…” I stopped mid-sentence. The bird in my chest began to flap about like crazy. There was a girl standing by my locker. Long brown hair swept up in a ponytail. It was her. The girl I’d seen on Saturday. The girl from the cafe.
Chapter 18
“Hey!” I shouted, without thinking. Her head snapped up and she took off down the corridor. “Wait! Don’t go!”
I ran after her, pushing past people, desperate to keep her in my view, but she was too fast. She turned the corner at the end of the corridor and disappeared, swallowed up by a whole crowd of Year Tens coming out of registration.
I stood there, breathing hard. It was definitely her, I was sure of it. Why was she standing by my locker? Why did she take off like that? And what had she been doing in the cafe with my dad? The questions ricocheted around my head until it was impossible to think straight. I heard Gemma call out behind me but I felt dizzy and sick and I had to be alone.
I hurried down the corridor, straight past the Blue Room and round the corner, and then slipped into the nearest loo, locking myself in one of the cubicles, trying to take a proper breath, to calm myself down. I fumbled around in my bag for my ribbon. I needed to hold it, to breathe it in. My fingers were trembling as I searched every corner, unzipping all the pockets. Where was it? Where was it?
I began to feel light-headed, as if my brain needed more oxygen, as if I couldn’t take a deep-enough breath. I pulled everything out of my bag, desperate to find it. I was absolutely certain I’d put it in there this morning. It had to be here. How was I supposed to cope without it?
The door banged open suddenly making me gasp out loud.
“The bell’s rung! Come on, you’ll be late for class!”
It was one of the hall monitors. I sat rigid, praying for them to leave. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t go to class. I couldn’t carry on the day as if nothing had happened. I needed to talk to Vivian, to tell her about the girl and how panicky I was feeling, how I’d left my ribbon at home. She’d understand. She’d know what to do.
As soon as I heard the door swing shut I stuffed everything back in my bag, stumbled out of the loo and ran back towards the Blue Room. I stood outside for about five minutes working out what I should say. I had no idea if Vivian was still in school, or if she’d even agree to see me. I wiped my hands on my skirt, took a deep, shaky breath and knocked. There was the sound of a chair scraping back and then a moment later the door opened.
“Oh, hello, Maddie. Did you forget something?”
I shook my head, my heart beginning to race again. There was someone else in the room – a younger boy from Year Seven. My tummy clenched up. It never occurred to me that Vivian might see other pupils while she was here. For some reason I thought she only came to Church Vale to see me and Sally-Ann and Kieran.
“Is everything okay, Maddie? If you need to talk some more I’ll be free at lunchtime…”
I shrank back, shaking my head again. “It’s nothing,” I muttered. “I’m fine.”
Vivian had made me feel special. She’d made me feel as if my problems mattered like Nan used to, but now it was only fifteen minutes after my session and she was already listening to someone else. She was just doing her job. She didn’t really care. Not about me or Sally-Ann or Kieran.
I turned and ran down the corridor. I had to get out. It felt as if everything was closing in on me. There was no one to talk to, no one who really cared. I ran straight past the hall monitors and out of the side exit before they could say anything. I had no idea if they would follow me or alert someone. I’d never done anything like this before in my life.
I didn’t stop running until I was out of the school grounds and right at the bottom of Banner Road. When I looked back the way I’d come, the road seemed to stretch on for miles. I felt very far away suddenly, as if I was lost, even though I knew exactly where I was. I crouched down in the street, scared and shaky, wishing I’d stayed at school. I should’ve waited until the end of English, told Gemma about seeing the girl. Now I’d be in trouble for skipping school, and Mum would find out and everything would be a million times worse.
As soon as my legs felt strong enough to carry me, I trailed into the cemetery and down the path towards Nan’s grave. There were a few other people around but not many. I sat on the bench, pulling my knees up to my chest, trying to make sense of everything – wishing I had my ribbon with me, trying to remember the last time I felt truly safe.
I must’ve been sitting there for about five minutes when I sensed someone coming up the path towards me. It took a moment to realize it was Kieran. He looked furious – I could almost feel the anger coming off him. I shrank back, hugging my knees even tighter.
“What the hell are you doing here?” he snarled as he reached the bench. “You’d better not be following me!”
“F…f…following you?” I stammered. “Why would I be following you? I told you. M…m…my nan’s buried in this cemetery.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be in English right about now?”
“Aren’t you?”
I thought he was going to hit me for a minute. His fists were clenched by his side, his shoulders hunched up. I shrank even further into the bench until I could feel the wooden slats digging into my skin through my shirt. Why hadn’t I kept my mouth shut? Just because he’d opened up a bit at nurture group didn’t mean he’d suddenly morphed into a different person.
He stood there, eyes fixed on mine, as if he was working out what he was going to do to me. And then the weirdest thing happened. He smiled. I blinked a few times, convinced I was seeing things. Kieran Black was standing in front of me smiling.
“What?” I said, sick of him, sick of being scared, sick of everything. “What’s the big joke?”
“Nothing.”
“Do you think I’m funny or something?” Anger was bubbling up inside me, burning my throat.
“Calm down, I wasn’t laughing at you. I just didn’t think you were the type to skip school, that’s all.”
I shrugged. “Me neither…”
“You should go back,” he said. “You’ll get into trouble.”
“What about you? How come you never get into trouble for skipping?”
“No one cares what I do.” His voice was flat as if he didn’t care much either. I stared up at him, trying to read his face, trying to work out what I could say, but he grabbed hold of my arm suddenly, pulling me up from the bench.
“Follow me!” he hissed. “Don’t say anything and don’t look back.” He dragged me up the path and then started to walk very fast, breaking into a run.
“What’s the matter? Where are we g
oing?” I stumbled along behind him, struggling to keep up.
“Faster!” he hissed. “Hurry up!” He didn’t slow down until we were out of the cemetery and halfway up Amberly Road. “Come on. I know a place where we can hide.”
“What are you talking about?” I pulled back. “You’re scaring me, Kieran. Hide from what?”
He swung round to face me, his eyes flashing fear. “It was my dad – he was walking straight towards us and he’s been drinking. Now come on, let’s go!”
He led me down an alley between some houses. It was overgrown with blackberry bushes and nettles and I had to hold my arms up high to avoid being stung. The first alley led into another and then another, until I’d lost all sense of where I was. Kieran obviously knew exactly where he was going. He strode along in front of me until we reached an old wooden gate leading into some woods.
“I have no idea where we are,” I said, leaning against the gate, hot and clammy, my shirt sticking to my back. “I didn’t even know there were woods here.”
“It’s just another entrance to Hadley Heath. If we walk all the way through the woods and out the other side we won’t be far from school.” He climbed onto the gate and jumped over. “Come on…we’d better go. It doesn’t take long.”
I climbed over after him and we trailed through the woods side by side. It felt weird. Not like we were friends but not like we were enemies either. I was dying to ask him about his dad and why he’d reacted like that when he saw him, but I was scared he might get angry and storm off – leave me here in the middle of nowhere all by myself.
“I’ve never done anything like this before,” I said in the end, to break the silence. “It’s just that something happened at school and I sort of freaked out…”
“No, it’s not like Maddie Mouse to do something so naughty!”
“I am not a mouse,” I said. But he was smiling again, teasing me. My tummy flipped over. I couldn’t get used to this new, smiling Kieran. It was like entering a parallel universe. I felt a bit light-headed, but not like before, not in a scary way – more like if Kieran Black could joke around with me, then anything could happen.
“Sometimes I spend all day here,” said Kieran, breaking into my thoughts, “if my dad’s at home, or at the cemetery. I come here to get away from him.”
“Is he drunk all the time?”
He leaned down to pick up a stick, dragging it along the ground as we walked on. “Not all the time. He can be fine for ages and then something sets him off and he flips.”
“Are you scared of him?”
He shrugged. “Not really. I know how to handle him when he’s been drinking.”
I wondered if that was true. The fear in his eyes when he pulled me out of the cemetery seemed real enough. We followed the path until the woods thinned out and we were on the heath. It was a relief to recognize where we were, although I wasn’t in any big hurry to go back to school.
We made our way across the grass; it was dry and yellow, desperate for rain. I couldn’t believe I was on Hadley Heath with Kieran Black and it felt so normal. A few weeks ago I was frightened to be in the same room as him. The field sloped upwards, higher and higher. I followed behind him, struggling to keep up and drenched in sweat, but it was worth it when we got to the top. The view was incredible.
Kieran flopped down on the grass, and then lay back staring up at the sky. It was so hot you could almost see the heat shimmering above us.
“I used to come up here with my mum,” he said. His voice was quiet and I had to strain to hear him properly. “This was her favourite spot. She used to say it was like being right on top of the world.”
I sat down next to him, shocked that he’d said something so personal.
“Do you believe in heaven, Maddie?” he went on. “Do you think there’s some perfect place where all the dead people go?”
I pulled at the grass, worried I might say the wrong thing. It felt massive that he would even talk about his mum; the last thing I wanted to do was to make him feel worse.
“Um, I’m not sure to be honest. Sometimes I think my nan’s in heaven and it’s a really happy feeling, like eating doughnuts on a summer’s day.” I rushed on, embarrassed, “But at other times it’s just this horrible black space and everything feels empty and hopeless.”
I didn’t mention the times I’d actually seen her, or thought I’d seen her, on the rounders field and in the kitchen. I didn’t want him to think I was completely unhinged.
“I don’t believe in heaven, or in God,” he said more harshly. “I only go to the cemetery to keep her grave tidy, but I feel much more connected to my mum when I’m up here.”
I wished there was something I could do to make him feel better, some way to stop him feeling so alone. He didn’t say anything else after that; he just lay there. It was so peaceful, like someone had turned the sound off. I would’ve been happy to stay there all day, but eventually he got up and we started to make our way down the hill and towards the exit.
“I’m not going back to school,” he said when we got to the gate. “I’ll probably hang around here for a while and then head home.”
“Won’t you get into trouble?”
“Not really. I told you before, no one cares.”
He turned back the way we’d come, trailing the stick behind him. I wanted to tell him that people did care. That I cared. That he didn’t have to face everything alone.
“Hey, Kieran…”
He turned round. His eyes were cold again, his shoulders hunched up to his ears. The words sounded stupid suddenly – I couldn’t bring myself to say them.
“Nothing,” I muttered. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Chapter 19
Sneaking back into school was much harder than running out. I had to sign in for a start. I was just filling in my name and the time when Mrs Palmer came hurrying down the corridor towards me.
“There you are, Maddie! Where on earth have you been? You can’t just leave school without letting us know! Did you have an appointment or something?”
I nodded, hoping that would be enough to get rid of her, but she wanted loads more information: what time I’d left, why Mum hadn’t rung up to inform the school, and what my appointment was for. I think she knew I was lying but eventually she let me go to my next class. It was RE and Gemma had saved me a seat. Her face lit up when she saw me, as if I’d been missing for days.
“Where’ve you been?” she whispered. “You just ran off down the corridor and disappeared! What happened? Was it to do with your counselling session?”
I shook my head. “It was the girl from the cafe…”
“What do you mean? Here at Church Vale?”
“Yes, I saw her standing by my locker…” Miss Beckford the RE teacher shot us a look. “Listen, I’ll tell you later, okay?”
I had no idea what the lesson was about or what I was supposed to be doing. I stared out of the window, wondering where Kieran was. I wanted to be back on the heath with him, gazing up at the sky, as far away from my real life as I could possibly get.
The day dragged on but it must’ve felt even longer for Kieran, waiting for school to be over before he went home to his dad. Someone should be doing something to help him. It was so unfair that he had to cope with losing his mum and with his dad being drunk all the time. I wondered if anyone at school knew what he was really going through.
Mrs Palmer caught up with me just before the end of the day and asked me to stay behind for a moment. She said it wouldn’t take long, but I could tell from her face that it was serious. Gemma wanted to wait for me but I said I’d text her later.
“I had to call your mum, I’m afraid, Maddie,” Mrs Palmer said as soon as everyone else had left. “She didn’t know anything about an appointment and obviously she was very concerned that you’d left the building in the middle of the day…” She trailed off, her head on one side, expecting me to say something, to explain.
“I’m sorry,” I said, staring down a
t my hands. Mum would go mad. The last thing she needed was something else to worry about, especially today when Charlie had his appointment. “I didn’t mean to lie.”
Mrs Palmer reached out and rubbed my arm. “Look, I understand that things are difficult for you right now, but seriously, Maddie, if you’re upset or worried about anything, anything at all, you’ve got to come and talk to me, let me know how you’re feeling. You can’t just run out of school.”
“I know, and I will. I just didn’t know what else to do.”
Mrs Palmer opened the green file on her desk, the one with my name on the front, running her eyes over the first page.
“You’ve been part of Vivian’s nurture group for a few weeks now,” she said. “Do you think it’s helping? I did talk to her this afternoon and she said she felt you were gaining a lot from the sessions. I can see for myself that you’ve been finding it easier to talk…”
I nodded, desperate to get away. I needed to explain to Mum, to try and make her understand.
“Can I go now?” I whispered.
“Yes, of course. Come on, I’ll walk down with you.”
Mum was standing by the office, arms folded across her chest, her face closed up, impossible to read. Mrs Palmer hung back as I rushed towards her.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”
“Running out of school, Maddie! Honestly! I couldn’t believe it when Mrs Palmer rung me. Charlie was right in the middle of his check-up at the clinic – did you even think of that? Today of all days! Where on earth did you go?”
I shrank back. I hated it when she used that voice, looked at me like that. I wanted her to hug me, not tell me off. “J…just down to the cemetery,” I stammered, blinking back tears. “I’m really sorry, I won’t do it again.”
“I’d better have a quick word with Mrs Palmer,” she said, her voice a bit softer. “Please don’t shut me out, Maddie. We can get through this, we will get through it, but you need to talk to me. Running away isn’t going to solve anything.”