She was ashamed to admit that she had resorted to hiding food in the couch cushions and going back later to throw it away. Within a few minutes of settling in front of Sports Center, Nick was totally oblivious to everything around him. She could pop out a boob and he wouldn’t notice. As long as she stuck with food such as sandwiches, which were easily slipped under a cushion, he was none the wiser. He didn’t say anything, but she knew he was happy when he looked at her empty plate.
Part of her knew that it was wrong, but what could she do? She was eating more than she had been, so couldn’t everyone just be happy about that? The scales showed that her deception was working. Despite the meals during the day, she was still maintaining her weight. Instead of being filled with dread, she was actually looking forward to tomorrow’s doctor’s appointment. The number on the scales would be something to be proud of for once.
“Hellooo? Italian?” Nick asked again.
Oh, crap. How am I going to get around that? Even if we get takeout, it’s going to get messy hiding spaghetti or pizza in the couch. Think fast . . .
“Hey, what about the place down the street, Manzoli’s? I don’t want pasta, but they have great subs. We could get it to go. Wasn’t there a game on that you wanted to watch tonight?”
Nick beamed his approval at her. “Good idea, babe.”
I’m a rotten person. The man is looking at me like I’m a rock star while I plot to buy a sub that will fit under the cushions without causing too much mess. The acting award for the most convincing liar goes to Beth Denton!
* * *
Beth woke to a hand gently rubbing her stomach. At first, she thought that Nick was trying to wake her up in the way that they both enjoyed. She wasn’t sure why she didn’t move to let him know that she was awake, maybe curiosity. When his hand didn’t move past her stomach, she was intrigued. He caressed the slight swell of her belly softly, almost reverently. His fingertips explored every inch, as if memorizing her new shape.
Normally, this type of scrutiny would have made her uncomfortable, but something was different in his touch. There was nothing sexual, nor did she feel like he was having any negative thoughts about her changing body. The opposite seemed to be true. She lay there while he explored her for what seemed like hours, but was probably only minutes. Just when she was planning to move, signaling that she was awake, he leaned over her and softly kissed her stomach. She held her breath and tried to will away the tears that were gathering in her eyes. She was thankful when he slid out of the bed and walked to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.
What had just happened was so out of character for the Nick that she knew. His actions made it appear that he was happy about her pregnancy. But he never really mentioned it other than asking her how she was feeling, so she assumed that he was in denial. Now she had to wonder if Nick was handling her pregnancy better than she was. Did he think he would freak her out if he talked about the babies or showed excitement? Was she depriving him of her pregnancy by trying to protect him? Maybe it was time to stop acting as if it wasn’t happening and see where Nick stood.
Pregnancy was supposed to be one of the most exciting times in a couple’s life. Just because Beth and Nick weren’t married didn’t mean it couldn’t be that way for them as well. After her doctor’s appointment, she would drag him into Babies “R” Us and see how he took it. She had to smile at the image of a ladies’ man like Nick in a baby store, where he would either sink or swim.
Chapter Twenty-six
When they were settled into the waiting room at the ob-gyn’s office, Nick looked around and whispered, “These women here hate men.”
“What are you talking about?” she whispered back.
“Just look around. Most of them are giving me evil looks. Is this like when you have a baby and you start screaming obscenities at the father because you’re in pain?”
Trying to hide her smile, she said, “Yeah, maybe.” She didn’t bother to add to his inflated ego by telling him that most of the women were looking at him as if he were the last piece of cheesecake on a buffet. Let him continue to think they were staring for a different reason. He would probably send one of them into labor if he turned his sexy grin on them.
“So, how about breakfast after this? We left home before we had a chance to eat.”
Beth couldn’t contain her groan. “Could we at least get through an hour without someone mentioning food?”
Nick gave her an innocent smile that didn’t fool her for a minute.
“Beth Denton.”
They both stood as the nurse called her name. As if trained, Nick walked past the scales and to the end of the room. She almost called him back since she was pleased with what she knew the number would be, but thought better of it. If she had lost any weight, he wouldn’t be happy about it and would redouble his efforts to feed her.
The nurse frowned as she recorded the number. “You are two pounds lighter than your last appointment. Have you been experiencing morning sickness?”
With a rueful smile, Beth said, “Yes, I have.”
“Well, make sure you replenish your fluids, dear. You can talk to the doctor about taking something to lessen it.”
Beth gave Nick a bright smile as the nurse led them into a room and helped her up onto an examination table. He gave her a puzzled look, clearly expecting the same response she’d had at her last weighing in public. When the doctor came in a few moments later, she asked about her morning sickness and Nick mentioned her dizzy spell from last week.
“That can happen in pregnancy if you don’t have regular meals and snacks. You have to remember that your body is processing food faster and it’s easier to have dips in insulin levels.” Nick shot her a smug grin as she promised the doctor to eat small meals throughout the day. “Now, if you would lie back, we will listen to the babies’ heartbeats. The Doppler should pick them up now.”
Nick stepped closer as if fascinated. “You can actually hear the heartbeats through that?”
The doctor smiled, charmed as everyone seemed to be with Nick. “We sure can.” Then the doctor put the small probe against Beth’s stomach. Soon, a loud, galloping sound filled the room. The doctor smiled as Nick jerked in excitement. Beth found herself lost in the moment as well, moved to tears at the evidence of the lives she carried. The doctor frowned and continued to move the probe as if searching for something. “I can only detect one of the heartbeats, which happens. Sometimes it can be hard to get in the right position to hear them both. Just as a precaution, I’m going to send you for an ultrasound.”
Both she and Nick turned to the doctor in alarm. “Is . . . Is something wrong with the babies?” Beth asked.
“It’s just routine, Miss Denton. When you’re pregnant with twins, you’re followed more closely, plus I’m sure you would enjoy seeing your babies again.”
Nick gave her hand a reassuring squeeze as he helped her up from the table. She could feel her body trembling as she walked down the hall to the ultrasound room. Despite the doctor’s reassurance, she was terrified, and she could tell that Nick was as well, despite how much he tried to hide it from her. She hadn’t realized how much she wanted these babies until she was faced with the thought of losing them. Oh, God, please let them be okay. Please God, please.
The ultrasound technician was overly cheerful, as if trying to set their minds at ease. Nothing would do that though until she saw that both babies were fine. When the black-and-white screen came to life and the technician started looking at different angles, Beth held her breath. Nick gripped her hand tightly, as if he were on the verge of a nervous breakdown. When the technician removed the probe and stood, Beth knew something was wrong. “I’m going to get the doctor to check this, if you will excuse me for a moment.”
Beth turned to look at Nick. “Something’s wrong, isn’t it?” She could see the effort it took for him to smile as if he wasn’t worried.
“I’m sure it’s nothing, princess. Just harder to see two babies than only
one. Please relax. I will have you at a breakfast buffet before you know it.”
The doctor came in alone and took the seat that the technician had vacated. Beth asked her the question she had asked Nick. “Is something wrong?”
The doctor didn’t answer right away. Instead, she continued to look at the monitor as if searching for something. Finally, when Beth was certain she wasn’t going to answer, she removed the probe, but left the lights dimmed. “Miss Denton, the ultrasound shows only one fetus.”
“So why did you think I was carrying twins?”
“Miss Denton, you were carrying twins. I’m afraid you have experienced what we call vanishing twin syndrome.”
Nick stood up, still holding Beth’s hand. “What exactly is that?” he demanded.
“It’s when two heartbeats and fetuses are detected on your first ultrasound, indicating twins, and on your next ultrasound visit, one no longer exists. Due to doctors requesting ultrasounds earlier in pregnancies, this is detected much more than it used to be.”
Beth sat forward and, in a panic, grabbed her stomach. “But where is my baby? How could it just not be there? It’s only been a month since my last appointment.”
The doctor laid a hand on her arm, trying to calm her down. “Miss Denton—Beth—since it was so early in your pregnancy, one twin was just reabsorbed by the other one. There is little evidence when this happens that the other twin ever existed, other than the first ultrasound.”
Choking back tears she asked, “Did I do something that caused this to happen?”
The doctor looked at her in sympathy and patted her hand again. “No, Beth, there is nothing you did that caused this to happen. The usual cause is a chromosomal defect. It’s nature’s rather harsh way of handling a pregnancy that isn’t viable.”
Seeing Beth’s agitation, Nick sat back down beside her and gripped her hand. “What about the remaining baby?” he asked. “Will Beth have problems with the pregnancy?”
“Everything looks perfectly normal with the baby you are carrying. Since the loss of the twin happened in your first trimester and you had no bleeding or cramping, there is no reason to believe that your pregnancy won’t continue on normally.” The doctor rose to her feet and said quietly, “I’m going to give you some privacy. When you’re ready, the nurse will bring you to my office and I can answer any other questions you might have. Please take all the time you need.”
When the door shut behind her, Nick helped Beth off the table and pulled her into his arms. She stood stiffly, unable to feel anything other than the darkness that was descending on her. Sensing her detachment, he pulled back to study her face. “Honey, it’s going to be all right. Let’s get through this and then we’ll go home.”
Beth turned vacant eyes on him and said, “I caused this. I’ve hid, lied, and avoided eating, and I starved one of my babies to death to keep from proving my parents right. I killed our baby, Nick. What kind of person does that? I was supposed to take care of them, but all I could think about was myself. What kind of mother does that? You should hate me; I hate myself.”
She saw Nick’s face pale as he started shaking his head in denial. “Stop it. You didn’t do this. You heard what the doctor said—this happens so much it has a name. Don’t do this to yourself. Let’s go talk to the doctor and she can tell you that you didn’t cause this.”
Beth pulled her arm out of his grip and walked to the door. “I’m not going to talk to the doctor; I’m going to the car. You can go if you want to. Hurry, though. We need to eat on the way home. I’m not going to starve my last baby, like I did my other one.”
“Beth . . . princess.” Seeing that there was nothing he could say at this point that would get through to her, Nick handed her his car keys and told her he would be out after he talked with the doctor. As she walked out the door, he slumped back into the seat.
* * *
Nick dropped his head as tension raced through his body. “Fuck!” What in the hell had just happened? He had barely recovered from the shock of finding out they were no longer having twins when Beth threw him for an even bigger loop. The blank look on her face threw him more than the doctor’s words had. She truly believed that she had killed one of their babies. The look on her face went beyond grief. It was the look of someone who had become their own judge, jury, and executioner. She had found herself guilty of something so heinous that she couldn’t deal with it without shutting down.
He knew in that moment that pushing her to voice her fears to the doctor was hopeless. At this point, she wouldn’t believe a word that anyone said. He should probably be grateful that she mentioned breakfast, but somehow that only made things more eerie. Someone in a normal frame of mind would be too upset to think of food. For Beth to want to eat now, after what had just happened, gave credence to her belief that she had starved her baby to death.
Getting to his feet, he opened the door and followed the nurse to the doctor’s office. She probably assumed that Beth would be coming back to accompany him, but he didn’t see the need to explain it to her. He would tell the doctor about Beth’s eating problems and, hopefully, get some reassurances from her that it had not affected the babies. At this point, he would never admit anything otherwise to Beth. Whether the doctor knew it or not, Beth was so fragile that one more blow might break her, and that was something that he could never allow to happen, even if he had to save her from herself.
When he left the doctor’s office and settled in the car beside a still-quiet Beth, he, at least, had answers that he could share with her when she was ready to listen to them. He would give her a few days to deal with her grief. They both needed that. He was more upset than he could have imagined. Somewhere along the way, he had gotten very possessive of Beth and the babies and it was a huge blow to realize that there were no longer two babies. Yeah, he could give her a few days, but after that, she was going to listen to him. After they had a meal that he no longer had any desire for and after Beth was settled, he would call Suzy to get her support, too.
Beth would probably want to take a few days off. Everything was going to be fine. Really? Then why don’t you believe it? He only had to look at the stiff profile of the woman sitting next to him to know that, despite his pep talk to himself, it wasn’t going to be a simple matter to bring her back to herself again.
Chapter Twenty-seven
“It’s been a week, Nick. What is going on over there?” Suzy demanded.
Nick ran a hand over the back of his neck, trying to ease some of the tension gathering there. “Nothing has changed, Suzy. She eats, she drinks, she walks around the block, and then she goes back to bed. She takes care of every basic need that the pregnancy book tells her to and then she blanks out until the next meal.”
“Have you tried talking to her again?”
Releasing a pent-up breath, Nick snapped back, “Of course! I talk to her constantly. She either gives me a one-word answer or ignores me. I fix her meals, fix her snacks, trail her on her walks . . . and I might as well be invisible. If I mention anything about the doctor’s appointment and it not being her fault, she walks off. I thought she was grieving, but she never cries or shows any emotion. It’s pretty damn scary.”
“Screw this; I’m coming over. You need help.”
“No, Suzy, please don’t. The last time you were here, she locked her door for the rest of the evening, which drove me up the wall. We just need to give her some more space. She’s eating and taking care of herself so we can’t risk upsetting her right now.”
“Shit, yeah, okay. I’ll give you a few more days, but this can’t go on forever. I’m worried about her.”
“I know you are. So am I. I’m just trying to keep her calm. It hasn’t been that long since we found out, so she just needs more time.”
* * *
Beth ate on autopilot. She didn’t taste food anymore; she didn’t care what it was. The only thing that mattered was saving the baby that she still carried in her womb. If not for that, she felt sur
e she would curl into a ball and never come out again. The only emotion she felt was anger at herself. The sorrow had dimmed as the blame intensified. Had it been a boy or girl, before she ended its life?
The one thing she could remember about the doctor’s appointment now was how proud she had been of losing weight. All those weeks of denying herself had seemed worth it as the number on the scale flashed. How far would she have gone if her appointment had been a few more weeks away? Would she have starved both babies in her paranoia of gaining weight?
Nick tried to tell her that it wasn’t her fault, but surely he must blame her. He had to be lying to reassure her. A part of her knew that she was being unfair, but that fairness no longer seemed important to her. Her life now revolved solely around taking care of this pregnancy. She didn’t want to return to work, she didn’t want to talk to friends or family, and she only tolerated Nick because he took care of the things that she wasn’t willing to, like grocery shopping and anything that would require her to rejoin the outside world.
She vaguely remembered Suzy coming by. Just as Nick had, she’d tried to reassure her that she wasn’t to blame for the loss of the baby. Beth had tolerated her until her sister had finally given up and gone away. After that, Beth had locked the door, afraid of who would be visiting next. She didn’t want pity, sympathy, or understanding. No one understood what she was going through or where her head was, and it pissed her off when they acted as if they did.
When the baby was born, she would leave Myrtle Beach and relocate somewhere away from all the prying eyes. Nick could go back to his old life and she would raise the baby on her own. Who would really miss her? Suzy had her life with Gray now, and her parents certainly wouldn’t shed a tear. Just thinking about them made her body burn with rage.
If there was anyone other than herself that she blamed, it was them. They had set the wheels in motion and she, unfortunately, had followed right along behind them. She was finished with trying to win their approval. She fully planned to never see them again, and knowing their level of parental involvement, it wouldn’t be a hard plan to carry out.