Her brown knuckles paled as she gripped the blades tighter. “He’s the one who’s ridiculous,” she snapped. “He spends more time away from us than he does with us. Every time he goes out, I wonder if he’s going to come back.” Her eyes were shining. With tears. “He’d be safer if he took one of us with him!”
I stood in her doorway, staring. “You care for him,” I said quietly.
"Don’t you? And you—oh, he’ll take you out there. But he won’t take me. He avoids me, especially lately." Her lovely face contorted with what I swear was sadness. "Does he hate me?"
"Not at all." My heart was beating very fast.
"Then why won’t he speak to me or look at me, except when we’re sparring?" she asked in a choked whisper. "He hasn’t talked to me, really talked to me, in ages. So long I’ve lost track."
"And that hurts you," I said. Despite the fact that my nose was dripping blood, I was thrilled I’d been able to get to the heart of the matter. It made me a bit reckless. "Because you don’t hate him at all. You feel the opposite, in fact."
One of her blades sliced across my shoulder and hit the wall behind me. If it had been anyone else throwing, I’d have called it a miss. But since it was Ana, I knew it was a warning. She gripped the door with her free hand. “If you say one word to him about this conversation, I’ll bury the next one in your chest.”
She slammed the door in my face.
I returned to my quarters, full of new realization. Even better news: I have now managed to stop bleeding.
Day 17250
Ana and I spent the day throwing knives at one another.
"Be still," she said as she aimed. She was wound tight as a spring, and to throw her off, I delivered a bit of news.
"Takeshi said he’d come by after his patrol." I said it right as she hurled her blade, and it bounced off the ceiling and landed at my feet. It was hard not to smirk. "You told me to be still. You didn’t say you also needed complete silence."
As she stewed, I threw my own blade, and it hit the wall a few inches from her neck. She scowled and turned around, trying to yank it from the wall. I smiled as I heard Takeshi’s boots on the steps. Ana’s pulling became more frantic.
"I think my work here is done," I said as Takeshi stepped into the room, smelling of the streets. His dark gaze skimmed over me and fixed on Ana, like he’d been waiting to see her, like he couldn’t wait another minute, like he had no room in his thoughts for anyone or anything else. I saluted him and left.
My smile disappeared as I climbed the stairs. Something is going to happen between them. Soon. And I don’t know if it will be a relief or a disaster. I simply know it is inevitable.
Day 17255
I was lying on my cot when I heard it, Takeshi’s door opening and closing, voices murmuring on the other side of the wall. I recognized Ana’s voice. She was in there with him. Late at night. I stared at the ceiling as their indistinct back and forth went on, words indistinguishable but tone clear and fraught with emotion.
She was confessing. He was confessing. No more secrets and no more hiding. I was sure of it.
Then I heard something else: the sound of two people sinking onto Takeshi’s cot. Their voices, closer now. Together. The distance between me and them was only the thickness of the cinder block wall and a few layers of dingy paint.
All at once, the realization that I was eavesdropping on something intensely intimate and personal hit me like a staff to the gut. I got up and came up here, to my tower, where I can be alone and look at the sky and try not to think about how… lonely it is.
I can’t believe that’s what I’m thinking about. How pointless.
I hope that Ana and Takeshi are well. I hope that whatever is happening between them tonight is good and not destructive. I truly have no idea what will happen. All I know is that things among the three of us will never be the same.
Day 17382
We spent today scouting the dense cluster of high rise apartment buildings in this zone about five miles south of the northern wall. The recently discovered nest is located in the basement of a twenty-story tenement five blocks from the northeastern edge of the zone.
Now I have returned to an apartment of my own. Ana and Takeshi have taken one down the hall. We used to stay together, but I prefer to be as far away as possible from the two of them at night.
This nest will be tricky. Ibram has posted lookouts throughout the zone, and I fear they know we’re coming. We are awaiting the arrival of three squads of Guards to assist. Ana will be leading one, but by Takeshi’s request, she will wear a mask and hood to hide her face and hair. I can tell he wants to require her to stay behind, but I can also tell that at this point, he is terrified he would lose her if he does not allow her to do her part.
I feel for him. It is a terrible choice, and he is risking his heart either way. Their happiness is so tenuous, every day a walk on the knife’s edge. And yet they risk that terrible blackness because right now their days are bursts of color and life, things not found in this dark city. They see things I can’t; I know it by their smiles and the palpable relief that flows from them when they reach, and find, each other. I can sense it, but I will never feel it, because I am alone and will always be alone.
Sometimes I am so envious of the two of them that it burns me.
I should get some sleep. I need to be at my best as we prepare for the battle to come.
Day 17383
Nest destroyed. T badly injured, gut wound. I think some of my ribs are broken. Hard to breathe. But I can walk. Leaving soon to help carry T back to Station.
Ana is distraught. I do not want to imagine her reaction if we were to lose him now. Or ever.
Day 18190
Ana and I had quite a day. This time I was the one who acted as bait. We were in a neighborhood twenty-seven blocks due north of the Gates, a place where a few of the other Guards have been reporting sightings of Mazikin.
I pretended to be injured. It’s the only way they would dare approach me now, I think. Lately it’s been getting very difficult to catch any Mazikin because we believe they clear out when we’re in the area. But I gave myself a bit of a nick on the forehead, and it bled nicely. After that it was simply a matter of staggering down the street, my armor unfastened and flapping against my shirt.
It didn’t take them long to appear, four of them, sniffing the air and trailing me down the street. I was ready to fight them.
However, Ana made that unnecessary. It was so quick, so easy. The Mazikin never knew what was happening. She is absolutely deadly with her knives, and it is poetry to see her in action.
We will stay here tonight and hike back to the Station tomorrow. Ana is restless and wants to return to Takeshi, who stayed behind to drill the inhuman Guards. She is spending her evening watching the television, a show called The Brady Bunch. I confess that I cannot understand her absolute fascination with it. She has invited me to watch it with her, but I prefer to be up here, on the roof, in the quiet.
Day 18193
Today I found myself standing outside the Sanctum. It is so bright that you can see its glow from almost anywhere, and I think it draws the people who raise their heads long enough to notice it.
It’s been a long time since I’ve thought about it, a long time since the white light caught my attention. Even now, I didn’t realize I was so close to it until I nearly ran into a fellow joining the seemingly endless line to get inside; I had been so lost in my thoughts, in my plans for the map, in my next patrol, my next kill, and in myself.
"Thinking of going in?"
I was startled to find Raphael standing next to me. “Where did you come from?”
"My question was more interesting."
I sighed. “Should I be?”
His eyes met mine. “Only you can decide that.”
"The Judge told me not to come back until I was ready."
"Are you?"
"Will I know if I am?"
He gave me a half-smile. “I
think you will.”
I bowed my head. “Then I’m not.” I don’t know what ready feels like. I know that I still sit up at night, restless, tamping down anger that wants to take control. Loneliness that gnaws at me. Hunger that makes me ache. “Not yet.”
Day 21001
Today I sparred with Takeshi. Staffs. His specialty.
And I beat him. Knocked him to the floor twice. Stripped the staff right out of his grip once.
This has never happened before, in all the days he has been my superior officer.
He rose slowly from the floor, rubbing his arm. “That was a good strike.”
"You have easily deflected strikes just like that one. A million times."
He chuckled. “Maybe you’re getting faster.”
"Maybe you’re getting slower," I blurted out. Because I remember. I remember what Philip was like before he left us to go to the Sanctum. I remember breaking his nose during a sparring match on the same mat, and I remember him laughing it off just like Takeshi was doing. “Is it time for you to leave the city, Takeshi?”
His smile disappeared. “What a ridiculous thing to suggest.”
"Why is it ridiculous? You’ve been here for tens of thousands of days. Longer than Philip was here, even though you arrived at the same time. Maybe you’re ready to go."
He shook his head and set his staff on the rack. “Far from it. I was simply off today. Tomorrow I’ll be quicker.” He grinned, a flash of mischief. “It’s been a while since I’ve broken one of your bones.”
We laughed together and headed up to our quarters. And now I’m here, wondering. What would I prefer? That he recover his speed and destroy me on the sparring mat, that he show every sign that he still belongs here… or that he finally realizes he is reaching the end of his time in the city?
Day 21040
He seemed fine at dinner. In fact, he appeared hungrier than I’d seen him in a long time. He walked into the food room with Ana, his fingers locked with hers, and at first I thought they’d been fighting, because both of their faces were pinched with stress and Ana wouldn’t meet his eyes. But when he came to the table with his plate piled high, she relaxed.
She watched him with absolute focus as he ate. With every bite, her face brightened, as if a bit of weight was lifted from her shoulders every time he swallowed. Between every bite, he looked at her and smiled, and it was easy to read his expression. See? I’m fine. Nothing to worry about.
An hour ago, I went to take a shower, and I heard him in the toilet room, vomiting all of it up. He emerged, pale and clammy, wiping his mouth, and cursed when he saw me standing there. “Don’t tell Ana,” he said in a ragged voice.
"It won’t matter," I replied. "She’ll know."
He winced. “I know,” he whispered.
"Your time is coming." Every word made me ache, and the pain was good and bad. He will have the Countryside. After his short and painful life, after his long and brutal years of service, my Captain will have peace. Is there anything more precious than knowing someone you love will have an existence free of pain and full of happiness? But at the same time, if that existence is far from you, the happiness is bittersweet in the extreme. "You should go to the Sanctum."
"I’ll go when I’m ready." His dark eyes bored into mine. "And I’m not ready."
"What would Ana say if she knew you were staying for her? She already senses something is wrong—how will she feel if she believes it’s her fault?"
He squeezed his eyes shut. “None of this is her fault, and I won’t allow her to think that way.”
I couldn’t help my burst of laughter. “You honestly believe you can control that?”
He opened his eyes, and they were glittering with desperation. “I can’t leave her, Malachi. Not yet.”
"So instead, you will make her watch while you fall apart." I hated the harshness of my words and tone, but at the same time, my own desperation was rising up. I don’t want to watch him deteriorate when the remedy is so obvious. And I don’t think Ana would either, if she really understood what’s happening.
I reached out and put my hand on his shoulder. “I’ll take care of her. I’ll do whatever it takes until she’s ready to join you. She will not be alone.”
He swiped his sleeve over his eyes and sighed. “I’ll go soon. I promise. I just want a little more time with her. Can you understand?”
Though I wasn’t sure I did, I nodded.
"So will you let me tell her in my own time?"
I nodded again. “But don’t wait too long. If you die here—”
He held up his hands. “I know.” He squared his shoulders. “Besides, I’d love to destroy one last nest before I go.” He slapped my back as he exited the washroom, and I listened to his footsteps echo as he walked away.
Day 21092
Every muscle aches. I have been patrolling nonstop in search of the nest, which we believe is located somewhere south of downtown. I’ve tried. I’ve tried so hard that I’m bone-weary and desperate for my own cot in my own quarters, for a few days’ rest.
When I arrived back at the Station today, though, my determination to find the nest cranked up a notch. Takeshi looks worse than ever. He has lost weight, and there are shadows beneath his eyes. His cheeks are hollow. He came into my quarters looking like a ghost. “Any luck?” he asked.
I shook my head.
"It’s okay. We’ll find it."
"No."
His eyebrows rose. “No? We always do.” He smiled, and it struck me in the pit of the stomach, as if he’d jabbed me with his staff.
"You can’t stay," I said quietly. "You’ve run out of time." I’d wanted to find and destroy the nest because I thought it would give him more reason to go to the Sanctum, but now I realized he was using it was an excuse to stay. "Have you told Ana?"
He looked away. “I just need a little more time.”
"You might not have much more time!" I took a step toward the door. "Is she here? She must be worried sick, and you haven’t even bothered to let her know what’s happening?"
In my anger, I made for the door. Ana would help me. Together, we could drag Takeshi to the Sanctum whether he wanted to go or not.
His staff struck my chest before I realized he’d drawn it, and I stumbled back, the wind knocked out of me. He moved between me and the door, looking like his old self for a moment. “I’ll tell her,” he said. “I just… I’ll go on one more patrol. I need the distance from her to think it through. When I come back, I’ll tell her. And then I’ll go.” He collapsed his staff and clipped it to his belt. “I’ll leave in the morning.”
I sank onto my cot, too tired to argue. A few more days. He’ll be gone in a few more days. And I’m glad. I’m glad. The goodbye will hurt, but knowing he is at peace will be worth it. I hope Ana will feel the same.
Day 21093
I know it’s terrible, but I spent last night listening to Takeshi and Ana through the wall. Not their words; those are muffled by the layer of cinder block between us. Only the sounds of them, together. Usually I head for the tower above the Station as soon as I hear those unmistakable noises, but last night… I don’t know.
If I loved someone, truly loved her, would I tell her something that would hurt her, or would I protect her from it for as long as I could? Would I force the knowledge on her, or would I hold her in my arms and treasure her smile, her peace? What is more selfish—to keep her in the dark, or to ruin the last moments of happiness I could give her?
I lay awake and wondered. I knew it was foolish; I have no one and never will, and someday I’ll stop thinking like this.
I rose for breakfast and stood with Ana as Takeshi left for his patrol. She watched him walk away with a frown. I haven’t seen her often in the last forty days—I’ve been searching for the nest. But as I looked down at her, it was so clear that what’s happening is hurting her. I can read it in her eyes.
When he’d disappeared around a corner, Ana turned to me. “I have the worst feeling
,” she said quietly.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
She shook her head. “Will you train with me?”
We went to the training room and I let her pound on me for several hours. It felt good to me, too, because I could ignore the gnaw of uneasiness and focus on surviving Ana’s brutal strikes. It was obvious she felt the same way.
Takeshi is due back tomorrow morning, and when he returns, he will tell her he’s leaving. I don’t know what will happen after that. But I think I will feel relief that he is happy and safe in the Countryside, and it will be easier to concentrate. It is only now that I realize how exhausting the worry has been. I’m eager for it to be over.
Day 21094
Takeshi has not returned from his patrol. He was due back hours ago. Ana is frantic. She says she's going out to search for him, and I will not let her go alone.
I am as anxious for his return as she is. I can't shake the fear that something has happened to him.
Day 21095
The wound in my shoulder is healed now, so I can write again. Except… I cannot write this. I don’t want it to be real. I will write what happened. I think it is for the best.
Ana and I set out from the Station yesterday. Takeshi was hours overdue. We hiked toward downtown, the shadows of the high buildings deep and dark in the northeast. We did not speak except to argue where he might have gone on his patrol.
And then he turned a corner, a block ahead of us. His black hair was messy and his armor was crooked, but it was him, and that was all that mattered. My relief nearly leveled me. Ana made a desperate noise and ran for him, and so did I.
But then the smell hit me. My body tightened, recoiling before my brain registered the terrible reality. Two strides later, though, it did.
Too late. Quick as lightning, he drew a knife. I shoved Ana hard to the side and the blade slammed into the back of my shoulder a second later. I drew my scimitar with my good arm as Ana began to scream. My head was full of roaring noise as my Captain advanced on me. He had the strangest look on his face; eagerness and hatred twisted his mouth and narrowed his eyes.