"I'll come back," he wheezed. He never closed his eyes. Not ever. His blood gushed over my hands. It ran in rivulets from his mouth. His body shuddered. His chest heaved. But he still didn't look away, and I couldn't either. Even when he was dead. It was like the person he once had been was condemning me for destroying him. One minute was all it took to make me a killer, a few seconds between what I was then and what I have become. The unchangeable truth of it was like a blade in my own chest. I did not know how to make that feeling go away, so I did the only thing that came to me.
The words of the prayer came to me easily. I recited the whole thing. By the time I was finished, Takeshi had joined me in the alley. "It gets easier" was all he said to me before resuming his trek to the apartment. I'm not sure I believe him, but I have no choice but to find out if he's right.
Day 518
I saw a star. I am lying on the roof, right at the edge, somewhere far in the northeast quadrant, in a tall building that allows me a view all the way to the north wall miles away. I was staring at the sky, the deep black roof of the city, and I am certain: for a moment there was a dim, twinkling light above me. Now it’s all darkness again, but I’m sure it was there. Hope is very much like that, I think.
Day 547
On patrol today with Takeshi, I saw a man who used to buy shoes from my father. He was sitting alone on a stoop, staring at his hands, and I recognized a scar along his forearm, a jagged tear I recall wondering about as a boy. He used to bring his pretty daughter into the shop, and Heshel and I would act like idiots showing off to get her to smile at us. I was excited to see a familiar face and greeted him. He greeted me—I think it was a relief to him to hear a familiar language—but he did not know my name. He did not know who I was. I almost asked after his daughter, but then I realized: if he is here, it is because he lost everything, and that bright-eyed girl is most likely dead. I wonder if anyone I knew is still alive. I wonder if anything is different. It felt like the world was ending. But when I spoke these thoughts aloud to Takeshi, he only shook his head and said that all who live in the dark city, no matter what era they lived in, probably felt that way. It's part of the reason they're here. I think Takeshi does not understand what it was like before I died, and I do not have the stomach to tell him.
Day 548
I am still thinking of the man I met yesterday, of his eyes, the way he looked at me but did not see me. Takeshi says he has never once met someone he knew in life here in the dark city, but the way he said it, so easily, so casually, I have to wonder if he is lying. I asked Philip the same question, and he says he did once: a young soldier who had been under his command. Like me, he was both saddened and excited to see someone he had known before, and he rushed up to the soldier and greeted him. He ended up with the man's teeth clamped onto his arm, and only then did he realize the man had been taken by a Mazikin. It did not end well for the creature, and I think it hurt Philip to kill him, because he wore the face of a friend.
Day 564
I am recovering from a fall. Philip and I were chasing a Mazikin through a dense maze of rooms in an enormous statehouse, one that must have been abandoned by its owner since the Mazikin was able to enter. Philip directed me down one corridor and he took the other, hoping to corner the creature, an older man with yellow teeth filed to sharp points. I could hear the man laughing as I sprinted the hallway, and then, as the floor dropped out from under me, I realized why. He'd set a trap. I crashed through the rug that had been laid over the hole in the rotten floorboards and plunged to the ballroom below. My left ankle snapped and the whole world turned red with the pain of it. I don't know how long I lay there before Philip found me.
He said the Mazikin got away, and I urged him to keep searching, but he only laughed. "Takeshi would miss you if you died." And then I was laughing, too, and then I fainted with the pain. He must have carried me back to the Station slung over his shoulders like a sack of flour.
Day 591
Takeshi has been unusually quiet since returning from his two-day patrol with Philip to the Harag zone. When he returns from a multi-day absence, he usually shows up in the training room the next day to criticize my form or engage me in a sparring session, but this time, he retired to his room and did not come out for quite some time. When I asked Philip what was wrong with him, he only shook his head. Something has changed, but I'm not sure what.
Day 595
I hurt Philip badly during a sparring session. It was an accident—he's usually so fast, but today he was noticeably slower. I asked if he was ill, though I can't remember any of us actually being sick. Philip says he is quite the opposite of ill, and was in a good mood even though he was bleeding profusely from his nose. Takeshi, on the other hand, was irritable and stormed out. I caught up with him after dinner and asked why, and he said I would understand soon enough.
Day 603
Today Philip went to the Sanctum and did not return.
Day 612
Takeshi is now the Captain of the Guard. There was no ceremony, no celebration. In fact, he has barely spoken since we received word that Philip has moved on. We have trained, and we have patrolled, all in silence. I have no idea what he’s thinking, but his quick smile is gone.
Most of me is happy for Philip. He was kind. He was honorable. He’s served his time. Perhaps he will find his family again, out there in the Countryside. I hope he does.
The rest of me is sick with envy and anger.
Envy because he has what I want, what I crave, what I dream of when I dream at all. Anger because I am left with Takeshi. I am his Lieutenant now, and his are the orders I must follow. I don’t trust him. I don’t like him. We had found our way to an uneasy peace before Philip left, but that was largely due to Philip himself. Now that he’s gone, I’m not sure what will happen.
Day 627
“Do you know how long I’ve been here?” Takeshi asked me.
It was the first time he’s spoken to me—outside the barest of commands—since Philip left us. I knew he and Philip had been together a very long time, but his answer shocked me. “Philip and I arrived within days of each other,” he said. Their Captain, a Frenchman named Bastien, trained them together and taught them his language. And when he left for the Sanctum sometime later, Raphael came to Philip and Takeshi and told them to choose who would be the Captain.
“Philip had been a leader of men, and I had been a solitary warrior,” Takeshi explained. “He was the obvious choice.”
“And now you are the leader,” I said to him.
“But not by choice,” he replied. “You shouldn’t expect much from me.” He left, then, on a solitary patrol. That was two days ago.
Day 635
I am truly an idiot. When I woke up this morning, Takeshi had not yet returned, and it has been eight days since he left. The others are wondering where their Captain is. So I armed myself, packed a meal and a change of clothes, and left the Station to look for him. I headed west, because he and Philip had been searching for a nest in Harag. I walked for a very long time, until I was surrounded by buildings that reached the sky, until I could see nothing else but these buildings, for miles in all directions. And now I have no idea where I am or how to get back.
Day 637
I have been wandering for two days now and was finally too tired to go on. I had to climb high to find an empty room in this building. It is crowded here, and the residents are somewhat more aggressive than those in other parts of the city. Here, if you so much as look at their possessions, they begin to howl or cry or attack, so afraid to lose what comforts them. I don't want to be here, but I need to sleep, and I certainly couldn't do that on the street. I ate some moldy bread from the cupboard and drank some of the bitter water from the tap. Part of me wants to collapse on the cot and never get up again, but I can't do that. I am supposed to be a Guard. I am not a victim or a prisoner, and I will not allow myself to act like one. I will rest for a few hours, and then I will start walking again. Somehow, I have to
find my way back to the Station.
Day 638?
I have never been so alone. My whole life, my brother watched over me. I didn't even realize how much he protected me until now, as I grope around in the darkest part of this dark city, a place where no one speaks to me or one another, where no one looks me in the eye for more than a second. Even in the most hopeless times in my life, I was not alone—with the exception of that final day, and even then, I was carried along by the hope that I wouldn't be alone much longer.
But I am completely alone now.
I caught myself talking aloud a few minutes ago, just to hear my own voice. I wonder if anyone at the Station has noticed that I'm gone, if Takeshi has returned, and if they have all forgotten I was ever there. This maze of buildings is endless, and I cannot see the sky because they loom over the street. I swear, they know I'm here. They lean closer as I pass, as if they're hungry.
I think I might be going crazy.
Day 640?
I was so certain I had found the way out of this maze. It came upon me all at once, this kind of sureness—hope again, tripping me up. I ran so fast that I stumbled and fell onto the cobblestones. And when I raised my head, in front of me was the building I stayed in last night. I had been walking in a circle for hours. I don’t want to give up, but I can’t—
someone is calling my name.
Day 641
He did not forget me. When he returned to the Station and found out I had gone, he sent word to all the outposts. He sent platoons out to search for me. He ordered them to search until they found me. Then he came looking for me himself, and he came to downtown, and he did not stop calling my name until I answered. I asked him why. Takeshi and I have known each other for nearly two years now and I've spent most of that time wanting to kill him… and occasionally trying to.
"You're my Lieutenant," he said. "That means you can't disappear unless I tell you to." He left then, and I swear, he was smiling as he walked out the door.
Day 650
I am going to make a map. This city is impossible and ever-changing, and if I want to master it, I have to understand every street and alley and dead end. I told Takeshi my plan, and he laughed and said it could not be done—and if it were possible, another Guard would have done it by now.
Of course, that only makes me more determined to do it.
Day 678
I dream in blocks and landmarks, in gridlines and paces and arithmetic calculations. Takeshi just shakes his head, and the other Guards tease me as I sit in the food room with my notebook and sketch while I eat. I laugh with them sometimes. But when Issam tried to snatch my notebook from me, I confess I lost control. Raphael healed him, but Takeshi says I won't be allowed to eat with a fork for the foreseeable future. I was tempted to tell him I can do as much damage with a spoon, and will, if anyone else tries to take my notebook again, but I'd prefer not to have to eat with my hands.
Day 709
Tomorrow we leave for the Southern Quarter. The Guards in the outpost there report increased Mazikin activity. The creatures laid a trap in an abandoned home, much like the one I fell into [ref. Day 564]. Arif was the victim this time. Word reached us this morning, and Raphael departed immediately. Takeshi says he believes the nest might be in that area. It's a den of sorts where the Mazikin gather recruits. If we can eliminate all of them, the Mazikin will no longer have a toehold in this realm. I am eager to go, both to destroy them and to expand my map, which I have been working on each day after my patrols. I have now posted the section around the Station on the wall in my quarters. The others continue to eye me and my notebook, but they are not ridiculing me anymore.
Day 712
Two days hard walking brought us to the outpost in the Southern Quarter. Takeshi spent the time telling me everything he knows about the Mazikin, which is quite a volume of information. He bears particular animosity to one named Sil, and is determined to capture that one and take him to the dark tower, the place we take all live Mazikin to dispose of them. I asked him why not simply kill the creature, if he wants him to suffer that badly. Takeshi laughed. He said dying is not the worst suffering a being can experience, and if I haven't figured that out yet, I'm as dense as I look.
Day 715
I have been patrolling by Takeshi's side for three days without respite. We can smell Mazikin nearby, but there are countless warrens in this part of the city, mazes of mud-built catacombs where city residents burrow and cocoon themselves in sorrow. We are likely very easy to spot here, no matter that we wear cloaks and try to look like we belong. And yet, I think we are close to discovering something.
Today we heard a snatch of conversation between the creatures. They have their own language, a coughing, grunting, grating tongue that is unmistakable. When we heard it, we raced toward the source of the noise—and it was only by Takeshi's quick intervention that I did not fall right into the trap they had laid, a pit of wooden spikes dug into the mud, covered over with a cloth. I suppose the fact that I am not now lying impaled at the bottom of that pit more than makes up for the fact that I am covered head to toe in stinking black mud in an outpost where there is no running water. Takeshi said it would help me blend in, but he could barely get the words out because he was laughing so hard.
I should be angry at his enjoyment of my discomfort, but it is the first time since Philip left us that Takeshi has truly laughed long, without bitter edge, laughed with his whole belly and chest, with his eyes bright. To my surprise, I found the sound of it to be a relief.
Day 721
We have captured a live Mazikin. I am nursing a wound on my thigh because the creature was feisty and wielding a broken bottle. It was with another Mazikin who Takeshi terminated as it fled from us. But this one, who says its name is Hink, is now inhabiting a holding cell in our outpost. We will question it soon. Takeshi said he wanted to give it time to consider its options.
Day 722
"I was a soldier before," Hink said to me. "I could not bear the thoughts in my head." He was crouched in his cell, peering at me through the bars as I stood guard. "I cannot bear them now." He rubbed at his temple as if he wished to wear the images away.
The others were out on patrol, and Takeshi was resting. He had warned me not to speak to the creature, but I could not help myself. "If you're trying to gain my sympathy, you should not waste your time," I said. "You are occupying the body of a man who was once a soldier. You added to his suffering and deserve whatever pain his memories are giving you."
It shrugged, as if the man's banished soul was of little consequence. "Whatever you were before, you're a soldier now, too," Hink replied. "Can you bear the thoughts in your own head? Don't you wish your own suffering could end?"
I looked over at him. For all the world, he did look like a soldier, hollow-eyed and gaunt, still wearing a filthy uniform. "Do not try to pick at my thoughts. I know what you are."
It chuckled. "I won't tell you where the nest is. You should kill me now. Mercy is yours to offer."
"Mercy is not part of this."
It stood up abruptly and pressed its muzzled face to the bars. "We will remember all your sins," it spat. "We will remember your face. We will learn your name. We do not forget."
I did not speak to it again after that, but something about the promise in its eyes chilled me to my bones.
Day 723
We prepared Hink the Mazikin for escort to the Station. His hands are concealed in leather mittens and he is muzzled. His eyes fix on me like I'm the weak spot, the breach point, so I do not look away when he stares. We have placed a collar around his neck and attached it to the ends of our staffs, so that we can keep him a safe distance from us as we make our way to the northeast. A platoon of Guards will go with us to prevent ambush. Takeshi treats the Mazikin with calm neutrality. He's not cruel, but there is a tension in his posture that reminds me that I have never seen what happens to a Mazikin prisoner.
Day 726
Hink was right, as it turns out. I am th
e weak spot. When we got back to the Station, Takeshi had the prisoner brought to the interrogation room. He called me to him and told me I would observe him questioning the Mazikin. I agreed eagerly, which only shows how stupid I am. As soon as I saw the cold glint in Takeshi's eye, I knew he had changed, had shed anything soft or kind. Hink was screaming and bleeding and I had to leave. I had to leave right then. I did not make it to the washroom before I got sick, right there in the corridor. Lutfi came by, but he did not ridicule me as I expected. He simply took me by the arm and led me to the washroom, then told me he would clean up the mess. And so I sat, on the cold stone floor next to an enormous toilet, and listened to Hink's shriek's echoing through the halls.
Day 727
We are done with Hink, but he is not dead yet. He is feral and senseless but very much alive. He lunges for the bars every time I enter the holding cell area. It's almost as if he blames me for all of it, and I have no idea why. Takeshi looks less alive, but he says Hink gave him information that will help us find the nest. I keep expecting him to ask me why I left the interrogation room, or to make fun of me for doing so, but he's done neither. Tonight we leave for the dark tower. I've never been there, but this is where we dispose of the Mazikin, where we give them a forever-death, though I'm not yet sure how that happens. Unfortunately, the dark tower is at the center of downtown, the thought of being there again leaves me covered in a cold sweat. I'm determined not to be the weak point again, though. This time, I will remain strong, no matter what happens.
Day 728
It was easy. We traveled deep into the downtown area, but Takeshi knew exactly where he was going. Hink struggled more frantically the closer we got. I wanted to ask why he was so terrified but didn't want to give away how little I know. And then we reached a building that blocked our path. Takeshi's smile was fleeting.