As this scene with Ryan and Nicole played out, it might have looked as though their movements and facial expressions had been carefully rehearsed to suit Western culture. But these nonverbal microflirtations appear to come preprogrammed deep in the human brain. Researchers have filmed first encounters between men and women in a variety of cultures and have found that people around the world give the same flirtatious cues as Ryan and Nicole.
While Ryan continued in pursuit mode, he took a deep breath as he quickly screwed up the courage to make his next move, desperately hoping this gorgeous woman was not out of his league. Trying to sound as confident and laid-back as possible, he addressed both Nicole and Maggie: "You two look thirsty. Can I get you some drinks?"
Before Nicole could say no, Maggie accepted the offer. "Thanks! I'd like a glass of Chardonnay. I'm Maggie, by the way, and this is Nicole."
Ryan nodded as he said, "I'm Ryan." Then he turned to Nicole and asked, "And what would you like?" "Chardonnay sounds good to me too," she said, and Ryan was immediately turned on by the musical quality of her voice.
When he returned with the drinks, Nicole asked, "Are you here to watch the game?" Ryan, feeling a little more confident now, flashed his most charming smile and said, "No, I'm here to watch you." Nicole was flattered, even though she knew it was just a line. Ryan was playfully incorporating what scientists call little deceits and exaggerations into his flirtation. Researchers found that because men believe women expect flattery from them, they don't see anything
wrong with meeting those expectations . While Ryan was comfortable with a few flirtatious exaggerations, he didn't want to push his luck too far, so he casually asked, "Are you a Giants fan or an A's fan?"
"Neither," Nicole said with a grin. "I've been studying for the bar exam, and Maggie threatened to remove me from her friends list if I didn't take a break."
Before Nicole had a chance to say another word, Maggie said, "Pull up a chair, Ryan."
THE MATING SENSES
Ryan had noticed that Maggie's voice was deeper than Nicole's, and while it was pleasing, his brain instantly categorized her as a potential friend, rather than a potential mate. But Nicole's higher-pitched voice had triggered his brain to place her in the "hot and sexy" category.
In a study of an African hunter-gatherer tribe called the Hadza, men rated women with deeper voices as better foragers, but said they were more sexually attracted to the women with the highest-pitched voices. And the women in the tribe rated the men with the deepest voices as the best hunters and protectors, but were turned off by the men with squeaky or high-pitched voices. Ryan's voice sounded pleasant to Nicole even though it wasn't quite that deep male baritone that made her go weak in the knees.
Now that Ryan was sitting next to Nicole, he was close enough to take in her sweet scent, and his nose instant-messaged his subconscious brain that she not only smelled good, but was also potentially a good genetic match. Our pheromones--odorless "smells" detected by our noses--carry genetic information, according to researchers. Infants who came from the repeated intermarriages of Europe's royal families taught us that couples whose genes are too similar give birth to sickly offspring. And a study in Switzerland of sweaty T-shirts that had absorbed the pheromones of the people who wore them showed that those who were good genetic matches (that is, those who were most dissimilar) smelled best to each other. If Nicole had smelled "bad" to Ryan, he could have been turned off and not even known why. This isn't about hygiene; it's about genes.
Ryan's mating brain hormonal signals, and interested, so he tried question. "So, when is the bar exam?" was giving him encouraging
Ryan thought Nicole seemed to draw her out with another
"Next week," she said.
Maggie chimed in, "I'm giving her a bar-exam coming-out party when it's over. Wanna come?" The party was just a couple of weeks away, but to Ryan it felt like a month. He couldn't stop thinking about Nicole and found himself silently rehearsing topics he could talk to her about. As it turned out, Ryan didn't have to worry quite so much. The night of the party, the conversation between them was easy, and he felt good that he could frequently make Nicole laugh. And at the end of the party, he was thrilled that she accepted his offer to drive her home. By then, the sexual tension between them was palpable. When he walked her to the door and looked into her eyes, she didn't back away, so he leaned in and kissed her good night. He had intended just a quick kiss, but when their lips met, their tongues followed, seemingly of their own accord. The kiss was so sweet and dizzying that he couldn't break away. Fortunately for Ryan, neither could Nicole.
In the mating game, a kiss is more than a kiss--It's a taste test. Saliva contains molecules from all the glands and organs in the body, so a French kiss serves up our signature flavor. As soon as Ryan's tongue touched Nicole's, information about each other's health and genes was collected and secretly sent to their brains. If Nicole had genes that were too similar to his and the kiss tasted sour, it could have been a sexual deal-breaker. But the kiss was sweet; it led to another and then another. Scientists have learned that there is plenty of bioactive testosterone in men's saliva, enough that it may activate the sexual-arousal center in a woman's brain.
So your mother was right--French kissing can lead to sex. Ryan was hoping that tonight was the night, but Nicole gently pulled back, thanked him, and said good night without inviting him in.
SCORING AS SOON AS POSSIBLE
Once Ryan had a taste of Nicole, he was hungry for more. Although he was desperately craving her, he knew he had to wait a few days before calling her, or he'd look too eager. Showing his burning desire wouldn't do him any favors right now, particularly because Nicole was being so cautious. Researchers found that when a man is sexually attracted to a woman, he wants to have sex with her as soon as possible. For the men in the study, waiting a week or more seemed like a very long time. The women, on the other hand, wanted to wait up to three times longer. As much as Ryan was secretly hoping for sooner rather than later, he could tell that Nicole wasn't the type to rush into anything, least of all sex. While that was frustrating on one hand, it was also reassuring and made him think she might be in the long-term mating category.
In the basest way, to a man, winning the mating game means getting his DNA and genes into the next generation. Even though he isn't consciously thinking this, the instinctual part of his brain knows that the more women he has sex with, the more offspring he's likely to have. Meanwhile, the female brain is trying to discern whether a man has what it takes to be a good protector and provider. Researchers find that this holds true regardless of a woman's level of education or financial independence. When Ryan called and invited Nicole out to dinner and a movie, she suggested that they go Dutch--just to eliminate the pressure for sex she sometimes felt when she let men spend money on her. But Ryan wanted to pony up resources to demonstrate how much he valued her and was willing to invest. In studies of mating behavior in primates, biologists have discovered that females have more sex with males who bring them meat. Primatologists have dubbed this the meat-for-sex principle. The males who showed they were willing to provide food got more sexual access to the females, increasing their chances of paternity. Ryan was on the right track.
He liked treating Nicole like a queen, and he had no qualms about spending money on her. But by their fourth date he was burning with sexual desire. He thought he'd better come up with something persuasive fast, or he'd die of sexual frustration. Gifts, flowers, or the promise of a romantic getaway weekend--he was thinking of them all. As men well know, they have to develop and refine an array of smooth tactical maneuvers, because women have different mating goals than men have. The female brain wants the hope of love and commitment before having sex, but for men, sex often comes first. Not surprisingly, it was Ryan's philandering teammate Frank who came up with the winning idea. "Take her to our rugby game this weekend, dude. Let her see you in action." Researchers have shown that nothing serves as a better aphrodisiac for w
omen than a show of dominance and strength.
Nicole had never been to a rugby game and was surprised by how rough it was. She loved seeing Ryan steal the ball and take it downfield for the winning point, and Ryan loved knowing she was in the stands watching. She couldn't believe how turned on she was by his sweaty body. After the game, he glowed under the approving looks she was sending him and basked in the envy he saw on his teammates' faces. Ryan was pleased that this strategy seemed to be working.
While humans and animals have differences in their mating strategies, scientists have observed some curious similarities. One of the most colorful examples of animal tactics is provided by the side-blotched lizard (Uta stansburiana). Conveniently, the males come with three different colored throats that match their mating styles. Males with orange throats use the alpha-male harem strategy. They guard a group of females and mate with all of them. The males with yellow throats are called sneakers because they slip into the harem of the orange throat and mate with his females whenever they can get away with it. The males with brilliant blue throats--my personal favorites--use the one-and-only strategy. They mate with one female and guard her 24/7. From a biological perspective, the approaches of the orange-throated harem leader, the yellow-throated sneaker, and the blue-throated one-female type are all successful mating strategies for lizards and for human males, too. I affectionately call my husband a blue-throat.
THE HORMONE OF MONOGAMY
So, women may be anxiously asking, " How can I pick a blue-throat?" We have no surefire answer yet on what makes for a monogamous human male mate, but research on furry little mammals called voles might provide some clues. Scientists have found that male prairie voles are monogamous and share equally offspring. But their cousins--the strictly promiscuous, seek sexual variety, and specialize in one-night stands that last less than a minute. The difference between the mating strategies of these vole cousins originates in the brain. When the prairie vole finds his partner, he mates with her over and over in a twenty-four-hour sexual marathon. This sexual activity changes his brain forever. An area of his brain called the AH--the anterior hypothalamus--memorizes his partner's smell and touch, leading him to aggressively reject all other females. This blissful day in the new vole couple's relationship is not only unforgettable, but biologically necessary. Memorizing her and thus merging the so-called love and lust circuits in his brain will initiate a lifelong preference for this one female.
in parenting their
montane voles--are During sex, both prairie and montane voles release vasopressin and dopamine, but only the prairie vole has the type of vasopressin receptors in his brain needed to make him monogamous. And when scientists experimentally blocked these monogamy-inducing vasopressin receptors in the prairie voles' brains, they didn't bond with their sexual partners. The love and lust circuits in their brains couldn't merge. What makes the difference between the vasopressin receptors in the prairie vole brain and the montane vole brain is their differing genes. The monogamous vole's vasopressin receptor gene is a longer version, and the promiscuous vole's is a shorter version. When scientists inserted the long version of the gene into the promiscuous montane vole, he, too, became monogamous.
Although the brain biology in men may turn out to be more complicated than it is in voles, humans have this vasopressin receptor gene too. Some men have the long version, while others have the short one. A study in Sweden found that men with the long version of the vasopressin receptor gene were twice as likely to leave bachelorhood behind and commit to one woman for life. So when it comes to fidelity, the joke among female scientists is that "longer is better," at least when it comes to the length of the vasopressin receptor gene.
CONFIRMED BACHELORS
Ryan's friend Frank was a confirmed bachelor and a master of seduction. He had well-rehearsed lines and knew exactly what to say and do to score sexual points. Phrases like "You're so beautiful you should be a model" and "I've never met a woman like you before" may be cliches, but Frank was so gorgeous and charming that women were ready to believe his little deceits. And according to studies, Frank has plenty of company in this "no strings, no commitment" mating strategy. They showed that deception serves as an important part of men's mating strategy for short-term partners. And researchers found that three out of four men said they were willing to lie or "modify the truth" to persuade women to have sex with them. They found that the things dating men lie about are similar around the world. Men exaggerate their wealth, status, and business and social connections. Frank frequently exaggerated his income and financial prospects and rarely missed a chance at name-dropping.
Now that Nicole and Ryan were seeing each other a few times a week, she sometimes heard Frank bragging about his latest conquests. She was so put off by his maneuvering that she tried to warn his newest girlfriend, Stacey. But it was no use. Stacey's brain and body had already fallen under Frank's seductive spell. What she didn't know was that each time she and Frank had sex, she was falling a little more in love--the oxytocin released during her orgasms was binding her body and brain closer to Frank. But it was working the other way around for him. He was starting to get bored. The more Stacey tried to pin him down to future plans, the more he squirmed. He felt it was time to move on. No cage of domesticity for him.
To be sure, both men and women try to manipulate the mating game. But when it comes to using verbal deception, researchers have found that men are biologically more comfortable with it than women. They measured the vocal strain of men and women telling lies to the opposite sex and found that the men showed much less electrical strain while they lied. This allowed the men like Frank to deceive in a more convincing manner. Ryan was glad Nicole didn't meet Frank first, because he knew Frank would have made a play for her immediately. She didn't seem like the type to fall for Frank's short-term mating style, but he'd been wrong about women before.
THE MALE BRAIN IN LOVE
When Nicole finally invited Ryan to spend the night, he felt like he'd died and gone to heaven. After that, they made love every day, sometimes more than once, and he still couldn't get enough of her. Sex doesn't always lead to love, but for the male brain, it is a necessary part of getting there.
Ryan's brain on sex was producing chemicals that create a blissful euphoria, similar to being high on cocaine. He couldn't figure out why, when he was away from Nicole for more than four or five hours, he started getting a primitive biological craving. If we could travel along Ryan's brain circuits on a miniature train as he was falling in love, we'd begin in an area deep at the center of his brain called the VTA, the ventral tegmental area. We'd see the cells in this area rapidly manufacturing dopamine--the brain's feel-good neurotransmitter for motivation and reward. As the train was being filled with dopamine at this VTA station, Ryan was starting to feel a pleasant buzz.
Filled with dopamine, the train would speed along his brain circuits to the next station, the NAc, or nucleus accumbens, the area for anticipation of pleasure and reward. Because Ryan is male, we'd see the dopamine from the train being mixed with testosterone and vasopressin. If you're female, it gets mixed with estrogen and oxytocin. Mixing dopamine with these other hormones was now making an addictive, high-octane fuel, leaving Ryan exhilarated and head over heels in love. The more Ryan and Nicole made love, the more addicted their bodies and brains became.
When the lovebirds were apart, they were constantly thinking about and texting each other. The love train with its addicting fuel makes it so we can't stop thinking, fantasizing, and talking about the person we're in love with. In one study, men and women said they spent up to 85 percent of their waking moments daydreaming about their lover. Ryan felt as if he were literally incorporating Nicole's essence into the fabric of his brain circuits. And he was. As the train sped into the final station, the caudate nucleus, or CN, the area for memorizing the look and identity of whoever is giving you pleasure, we'd see all the tiniest details about Nicole being indelibly chiseled into his permanent memory. She was now
literally unforgettable. Once the love train had made these three stops at the VTA, the NAc and the CN, we'd see Ryan's lust and love circuits merge as they focused only on Nicole.
MATE-GUARDING
Ryan was starting to think of Nicole as "the one," and he was determined to hold on to her--so much so, Nicole told me, that when other guys were around, Ryan was sure to take her hand or possessively put his arm tightly around her.
When she came in for her appointment, she said, "I like it that he's so protective, but it seems a little hypocritical. I mean, just a couple weeks ago I caught him checking out a girl with big boobs at the car wash."
She told me that Ryan had been putting the quarters in the coin slot when a minimally dressed twenty-something walked by. "You should have seen the look he gave her. I know guys look at other women, but I can't believe he did it right in front of me. Maybe he's more like Frank than I thought."
I told Nicole that the lust center in the male brain automatically directs men to notice and visually take in the details of attractive females. When they see one that lights up their sexual circuit board, their brain instantly produces a quick sexual thought, but then it's usually over. To Ryan's mating brain, the buxom woman was like a bright, colorful hummingbird. She flew into his line of vision, caught his attention for a few seconds, and then flew off and out of his mind. For many men, this can happen several times a day. Ryan couldn't have stopped his eyes from looking at her breasts even if he'd tried. But he could learn to be more discreet. Because this is an autopilot behavior for the male brain, men don't think it's a big deal, and they can't understand why women find it so threatening. Until the tables are turned.