Dads employ teasing with sons and daughters, but their daughters usually don't like it as much as their sons. Daughters will soon try to divert Dad and assign him a part in the role-playing games girls prefer. (And most dads are usually willing to go along with whatever roles their little girls give them.) Boys, on the other hand, love the teasing games and will actively egg Dad on, trying almost anything to get his goat. Researchers have found that this kind of father-child play improves children's ability to guess what's on another person's mind and to recognize mental tricks and deceits. And for sons, this playful teasing with Dad establishes the foundation for building close connections with other males later in life. By the time Blake was six, he and Tim could banter mock insults for longer than Michelle could stand to listen.
HARSH TALK PREPARES CHILDREN FOR THE REAL WORLD
The next time I saw Michelle, she was annoyed with Tim. "Sometimes he barks orders at Blake like he's a drill sergeant," she said. "He'll practically bellow, 'Sit down, don't move, be quiet.' Even though Blake doesn't seem to mind, I think Tim is being insensitive and rude." I had heard this many times before. To mothers, fathers can sound too harsh, and to fathers, mothers can sound too soft.
Researchers have indeed found that fathers give their children more direct orders than mothers do. And mothers stay emotionally in tune with their children more, so they don't need to give as many direct orders. Mothers use shorter sentences and match their children's tone of voice more than fathers do. Michelle was right--Tim's style was rougher than hers, but not better or worse. Researchers believe that daddy talk provides an important bridge to communicating in the real world, where children will soon find that others can't read their minds or anticipate every need the way Mom does.
DADS AND DISCIPLINE
Discipline was another area where Tim and Michelle differed in style. Tim thought it was his duty to guide Blake's development by using firm rules and strict corrections. And he was not alone.
Researchers have found that fathers in cultures around the world believe it's their job to make their children, especially sons, toe the line. Of course, fathers must walk a fine line between overly harsh punishment--which creates fear, distrust, and a desire for revenge--and "just right" discipline. And even though some modern parenting styles endorse the laid-back father as more likely to be a good dad than the high-testosterone macho man, biological research suggests that the opposite may be true.
Male parents across the animal kingdom are typically more strict than female parents and more aggressive in handling their offspring. Although we don't think of aggressive males as being better dads, for some fathers, like rodents, being a good dad requires being rough-and-ready. A rodent dad must be aggressive and forcefully grab and retrieve runaway pups, or they will die. As with human dads, the rodent dad's paternal brain circuits are fueled by the hormones testosterone and vasopressin. The researchers discovered that the most aggressive rodent dads had the highest levels of these hormones. And interestingly, they also found that the most aggressive male pups grew up not only to have the highest testosterone but also to be better, more protective dads.
Good dads can be both aggressively playful and aggressively protective. Tim smiled as he remembered his dad's overly aggressive protection at one of his peewee football games. "I got fouled by this huge kid, and Dad went after the kid's dad and wanted to take his head off. The coaches had a hard time calming them both down," he said, laughing.
And according to researchers in Sweden, active discipline from fathers can be a key factor in children's success. In the study, children of dads who were active disciplinarians (meaning that they were strict, not that they beat their children) achieved better grades and went further in school than children of dads who were not disciplinarians. The sons of dads who were disciplinarians had fewer behavioral problems, and their daughters had fewer emotional problems.
DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL STEALS HIS HEART
Research also shows that when a little girl has a close relationship with her dad, it sets the stage for getting along better with men later in life. When Tim visited his friend Zack and saw him softly stroking his four-and-a-half-year-old daughter Kelsey's hair, he was amazed by how gentle he'd become. Zack, the same guy who had pummeled countless grown men on the college football field, was now sitting down to have tea parties. Tim watched in wonder as Zack played the roles Kelsey assigned him, including being her horsey and letting her ride on his back while he crawled around on all fours.
Daughters are notorious for wrapping daddies around their little fingers, and Tim witnessed an example of this later that day when Kelsey scolded Zack for setting the tea party table incorrectly: "The spoons go on this side of the plates, Daddy. The cups go on the saucers, not on the tablecloth. And you're supposed to put your napkin on your lap. Now let's start over."
Zack did as he was told, and Tim couldn't help but laugh. He asked Kelsey, "Why do you like to have tea parties with your daddy when he does everything wrong?"
"Because he does what I tell him to do," she answered matter-of-factly. When Kelsey played with Mommy or other girls, there was always more negotiating and compromising.
When she accidentally broke one of the cups and burst into tears, Zack came to the rescue with the Super Glue and made everything okay again. A study in Wisconsin reported that fathers feel closest to their daughters when they are doing something to help them. This holds true whether the daughter is four or forty-four. Dads bond with their daughters by helping to solve their problems and fixing things that are broken, whether it's their dollies or their financial portfolios. Fathers also bond with their sons by helping them, but research shows that this "help" often centers on making the boys stronger and tougher. Studies show that dads feel it's their responsibility to toughen their sons up to be able to survive as a man in the real world. This sometimes leads them to inhibit displays of affection in favor of rougher handling. Even so, researchers find that not only do fathers identify with their sons, but sons look up to their dads as role models of what they're supposed to act like when they grow up.
LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON
Like Tim, fathers know it is their job to initiate their sons into the perilous world where boys become men. Tim's father was a hands-off kind of dad, and this was a role model Tim had decided not to follow. Although the traditional emotional structuring of the father-son relationship hinges on the authority of the father, Tim was determined to make his relationship with Blake about more than discipline. So far, he was succeeding. He played with Blake every day, gave him lots of hugs, and praised his accomplishments.
On the other hand, Tim knew that coddling his son would work to Blake's disadvantage, so he helped him to make right choices and made him do as much for himself as possible. When Tim took Blake hiking, Blake carried his own backpack and water just like Dad. Tim was proud that Blake wanted to imitate him, and he was determined to set a good example in every possible way. When Tim and Blake played follow-the-leader, Tim took turns leading and following so Blake could learn both roles well. And when he and Blake wrestled, he let Blake pin him at least once in every three matches. He also let Blake win other contests, like their father-son races and video games. Studies have shown that insecure fathers are unable to let their sons beat them at any game even when their sons are very young.
Tim was what researchers call a high-nurturing parent, and studies show that this type of parenting style is healthier for kids throughout life. The brain effects of high-nurturing and low-nurturing parents on college-age kids' brains showed that those who'd had low parental care in childhood ended up with hyperactive brain responses to stress, according to researchers. And these young adults released more of the stress hormone cortisol than peers who'd had high parental care in childhood.
And it's not just kids' brains that benefit from close physical contact. According to a study of fathers, close physical contact releases oxytocin and pleasure hormones in dads, too, bonding parent to child. One of Tim's favorite times with B
lake was at the end of the day, after bath time, when he'd read story after story next to him in his little bed. Tim told me he especially loved it when Blake snuggled against him as he fell asleep. The more a man holds and cares for his child, the more connections his brain makes for paternal behavior. Tim's male brain had entered a new emotional reality. And oxytocin had helped his softer side to blossom, as it would throughout his manhood. The more both women and men know about how the daddy brain is formed, the more hope we have of turning our parenting partnerships into satisfying and supportive relationships and families. And this is just what the daddy brain needs to be at its best.
SIX
Manhood: The Emotional Lives of Men
WHEN I SAW Neil's name on my appointment calendar, I knew something was wrong. A forty-eight-year-old partner at a prestigious architecture firm, he and his wife, Danielle, had come to see me a few years earlier to discuss their teenage daughter. Neil was usually so levelheaded that his wife only half-jokingly accused him of being an emotionless android. But when I called him to find out what was up, his voice was cracking with emotion.
"Danielle slept in the guest room last night," he said. "Ever since she got promoted to manager, she comes home upset every day. I try to help her, but she gets mad at me and says I'm not being supportive enough and that I don't understand how she feels. I love her, but I can't handle all this emotional drama."
It is the classic complaint: Men accuse women of being too emotional and women accuse men of not being emotional enough. I hear it all the time in my office, and each thinks the other could just decide to be different--if he or she really wanted to. What they don't know is that the brain circuitry for emotional processing is different in men and women.
When Neil and Danielle arrived in my office, he was clenching his jaw, and she was dabbing her eyes with a tissue. "I've never been under so much stress in my life," she said as she dropped into the chair. "If my department doesn't get this season's inventory done on time, we'll lose thousands of dollars, and we're already in the red. I just want Neil to listen, give me a hug, and tell me how he knows I feel. But he goes into robot mode and starts telling me what I should do."
Neil shook his head and said, "That's not how I see it. I already told her I feel bad about all the pressure she's under. She wants me to listen to her and be sympathetic, but then she won't listen to my suggestions."
Neil had always been his firm's go-to guy for creative problem solving, so when Danielle wouldn't let him offer solutions, it was baffling to him. Anxiously pulling at his manicured beard, he said, "Seeing her cry and not being allowed to help her is torture to me."
The look on Danielle's tearstained face suggested that she thought Neil was exaggerating, but when women cry, it truly may evoke brain pain in men.
TWO EMOTIONAL SYSTEMS
Until recently, differences in how men and women feel and express emotions were thought to be due to upbringing alone. And to be sure, how our parents raise us can reinforce or suppress parts of our basic biology. But we now know that the emotional processing in the male and female brain is different. Research has suggested that our brains have two emotional systems that work simultaneously: the mirror-neuron system, or MNS, and the temporal-parietal junction system, or TPJ. Males seem to use one system more, and females seem to use the other system more.
If we could scan Neil's brain as Danielle complained about her problem and started to cry, we'd see both of his systems for reading emotions switching on. First, his MNS would activate. The mirror neurons that make up his MNS would allow him to briefly feel the same emotional pain he was seeing on Danielle's face. This is called emotional empathy. Next, we'd see his brain's analyze-and-fix-it circuits being activated by the TPJ as it searched his entire brain for solutions. This is called cognitive empathy. The male brain is able to use the TPJ starting in late childhood, but after puberty a male's reproductive hormones may cement a preference for it. Researchers have found that the TPJ keeps a firm boundary between emotions of the "self" and the "other." This prevents men's thought processes from being infected by other people's emotions, which strengthens their ability to cognitively and analytically find a solution.
As we watched Neil's brain formulating a solution, we'd see his cortex activate as he matter-of-factly asked Danielle, "How many people will it take to get it done on time?" Bristling, she'd shot him a hurt, resentful look and said, "What difference does that make? I have to figure out how to do it with the twelve people I have. You don't understand." Neil's brain would entirely miss the desperate tone of her voice, since his TPJ would be busy working out the solution and his MNS would no longer be activating. Thus he'd be unable to notice the hurt expression in her voice and on her face. Next, we'd see his TPJ and cortex flashing with excitement as he found the solution: "Hire temps. It'll cost less than the money you'll lose if you miss the deadline," he proudly declared. Then we'd see Neil's brain circuits for victory light up as feel-good hormones were released in response to finding an answer. But those lights would quickly dim as he saw Danielle burst into tears.
She was convinced that Neil's analytical response meant that he didn't understand how she felt and didn't care. But he did care. He was simply trapped in his male brain circuit loops. And she was trapped in her female brain circuit loops. His male brain was using the TPJ for cognitively processing emotions and getting to a "fix it fast" solution. Her female brain's MNS was misinterpreting his blank facial expression. The female brain uses the MNS to stay in sync with other people's feelings, so women are often put off by a blank face. Male or female, when we see an emotion on someone else's face, our MNS activates. The difference--for reasons scientists don't understand--is that the female brain stays in the MNS longer, while the male brain quickly switches over to the TPJ.
When Danielle told Neil her problem, for just a few milliseconds his face mirrored her expression, and in that fleeting instant, he did feel her distress. But his male brain isn't designed to wallow in anguish, so once it identifies an emotion, it quickly taps into the TPJ to complete the cognitive emotional processing. The male brain is like an express train: It doesn't stop until it reaches its final destination.
And if Danielle told her problem to her sister or one of her girlfriends, they would probably stay in their MNS's emotional empathy system and share her emotions. Although she had interpreted Neil's fast exit from the MNS as uncaring, he was actually trying to solve her problem and alleviate her emotional suffering. I could relate from similar experiences with my husband. He usually launches into his helpful solution without saying, "Honey, I know how you feel."
I turned to Danielle and said, "Neil uses the TPJ more than the MNS because the male brain is structured to seek solutions rather than continue to empathize. But that doesn't mean he doesn't care. Solving your problems is the way he tries to show his love and concern." Neil smiled with recognition, but Danielle didn't look convinced. She said, "Well, but you'd never know he cares by the look on his face."
A GUY FACE
From childhood on, males learn that acting cool and hiding their fears are the unwritten laws of masculinity. And especially since his testosterone surge at age thirteen, Neil had been practicing his guy face to be sure he kept his emotions to himself. For a man to physically strike a pose of self-confidence and strength, he must train his facial muscles to mask his fear.
Because facial muscles are controlled by the brain's emotional circuits, scientists have been able to learn about emotions by measuring these muscles. Researchers in one study placed electrodes on men's and women's smiling muscle--the zygomaticus--and on the anger/ scowling muscle--the corrugator. They recorded the muscles' electrical activity as the men and women viewed emotionally provocative photos. Much to the scientists' surprise, the men, after seeing an emotional face for just one fifth of a second--so briefly that it was still unconscious--were more emotionally reactive than the women. But it's what happened to the men's facial muscles next that helped me explain Neil's guy
face to Danielle.
As the experiment proceeded, at 2.5 seconds, well into the range of conscious processing, the men's facial muscles became less emotionally responsive than the women's. The researchers concluded that the men consciously--or at least semiconsciously--suppressed showing their emotions on their faces. Meanwhile, the women's facial muscles became responsive after 2.5 seconds. researchers, this suggests that themselves, perhaps since childhood, to automatically turn off or disguise facial emotions. The females' expressions not only continued to mirror the emotion they were seeing on the face in the photo, but they automatically exaggerated it, from a grin to a big smile or from a subtle frown to a pout. They, too, had been practicing this since childhood.
more emotionally
According to the men have trained Men's poker faces are one reason women tend to think they are "emotionally challenged." But as this study showed, it becomes automatic for men to keep their feelings to themselves.
THE HORMONES OF EMOTION
Because men use their TPJ more, they can't fathom why women want to spend so much time talking about their emotions and often getting more and more upset. I told Neil and Danielle that I once asked my scientist husband, "Why do men respond to emotional issues with logic instead of feelings?" He laughed and said, "The real question is why women don't."
Neil laughed too and said, "Now all I need to know is how to get Danielle to use her TPJ more."
What Neil and Danielle didn't know was that through hundreds of thousands of years, our male and female brain circuits have been fine-tuned to run on different hormones. In fact, our sex hormones might be partially responsible for our different emotional styles. Male circuits use more testosterone and vasopressin; female circuits use more estrogen and oxytocin. These hormones run certain brain areas--like the amygdala, hypothalamus, and even perhaps the MNS and TPJ--differently in men and women.