Namrata’s words rang clear in my head. It had to happen some day. It had to happen some day. It had to happen someday. It had to happen some day. You were kissing him all the time. It had to happen some day. It had to happen some day. You were kissing him all the time. It had to happen some day.
I didn’t fight back. He held my hand and we walked to the canteen together, hand in hand, like lovers. He smiled at his friends and they smiled back at him and at me. I felt the sickness take over my entire body. I was afraid, but most of all I felt alone.
People looked at us in the canteen with envy. We were the IT couple, the couple other couples would choose to emulate, we were in love, we had had sex, we were happy and smiling, but I was so alone, so fucking alone.
As I sat in the canteen, I decided I was done trying to find the woman I wanted to be. It was all a lie. All that Danish told me about experiences, about learning through mistakes, about forgiveness, about truth, about being your own person, about trusting people, everything we read together in the books, everything we talked about in those countless counselling sessions was a big fat lie to make me feel better about myself. Women can’t make mistakes. One false step and you’re done. No second chances. I had made my chance when I decide to drink at that party and now everything is ruined.
I was raped and it was my fault. I was raped and it was my fault. I was raped and it was my fault. I was raped and it was my fault. I was raped and it was my fault. I was raped and it was my fault.
I had no reason to cry foul. It was my mistake.
34
Danish Roy
That’s why the Internet is a good place, a safe place, and no one’s disappointed or rejected on the Internet if you just manage to lie right.
Right now, Mohini, a girl I found on Tinder was sitting next to me after she sat through a boring movie with one expression, and told me categorically that she thought video games were for children. She was training to be a doctor, and had had five boyfriends (though none for the past one year), read a lot of books, so she wasn’t to blame for why we got bored that day. It was probably me. It was mostly. Fine. It was me.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘This date isn’t what you expected, is it?’
‘You come to expect these things when you go out with faces and not people,’ she said, referring to Tinder.
‘Do you do this a lot? Try to find love like this?’
‘It’s pathetic and desperate, isn’t it?’
We kind of felt bad for ourselves, and then giggled and then laughed. This was the first moment of our date which wasn’t excruciating, and things turned for the better after that. Suddenly, nothing was at stake. We didn’t try to impress each other by being funny, or knowledgeable, or ambitious, or fun any more. We admitted being different and that’s when we could finally talk and get to know each other better. She told me how much of an asshole her ex-boyfriend was, and I told her about Aisha.
‘So you really love her?’
‘I think it’s the closest I will ever get to love,’ I said.
‘Are you crying?’
‘Me? No. Maybe a little bit. On the inside.’
‘That’s sweet.’
‘I miss her so much, like there is an empty cavity inside my ribs, funny as it may sound, it is painful and it’s embarrassing.’
‘She must be perfect,’ the girl said, her eyes lighting up.
‘She is full of beautiful little flaws. And she gets excited whenever she discovers one. It’s so cute and noble and amazing.’
‘Not flirting because that hasn’t clearly worked for our date today, but you look amazeballs when you talk about her,’ she said.
‘Well, she’s someone else’s now,’ I said and shook my head.
‘Never mind, at least you felt love and that’s a rare thing,’ she said and held my hand.
‘Have you felt love?’
‘Maybe, maybe not. I’m not sure. I will keep you posted though.’
We laughed. The rest of the date wasn’t half as bad. We talked about her college, her proud parents, her nosey relatives, and I told her about my brilliant brother, my sceptical parents, and we had a nice time. She dropped me home and we promised to keep in touch.
The next day at school, I heard rumours floating around in the school like harmless dandelions. I walked slowly through the corridors, spent more time at the urinals eavesdropping on students talking about her.
‘Such a slut.’
‘She begged him to let her give him a blowjob.’
‘Did you see the pictures? She would have fucked an electric pole.’
‘She hit on me as well.’
‘She’s an actual whore.’
‘She’s fucking lying. She must have slept with someone else as well.’
‘She’s not hot enough to be . . . you know what.’
‘How’s that even possible? She must have been turned on for him to push it inside.’
‘She deserves it. Look how drunk and slutty she got.’
After a point, I knew I had to stop or someone would have had their skull crushed. I decided to get to the bottom of this. I looked around for Aisha but she hadn’t come to school that day. Neither had Namrata. I got hold of Norbu who was nestled in the far corner of the library.
‘What the hell is going on? What are these rumours about? And where’s Aisha?’
He looked up. His left eye was bruised and his lower lip was cut and crusted with blood. The top three buttons of his shirt were ripped and the shirt pocket with the logo had been torn off. He started to cry a little.
‘Come outside,’ I said, held his hand and led him outside. He sat on the stairs and adjusted his shirt. ‘What happened to your eye?’
‘I didn’t mean to—’
He broke down in little sobs.
‘Who hit you?’
‘I can’t tell you.’
‘You will. Or I will find out.’
‘The guys in the football team.’
‘Why?’
‘For what I said about Aisha and Vibhor.’
‘Please tell me you had nothing to do with all the nonsense that I have been hearing about Aisha.’
He stared at his shoes.
‘Norbu? What did you do?’ I banged my fist on the table. He cowered. I counted till ten and calmed myself down. ‘Fine, tell me and we will fix it.’
‘I told someone what Namrata told me,’ he said.
‘What did she tell you?’
‘Aisha claims she had been raped that night, that she was—’
‘Wait? What? What are you saying?’
‘I’m just telling you what Namrata told me!’ he said, covering his face with both his hands. Norbu told me that Aisha had lost (what Aisha would call ‘shared’) her virginity in her sleep and hadn’t consented to it. She had no memory of it.
‘Are you sure that’s what she told Namrata? That she was raped?’ I asked.
She had no reason to lie. Namrata was her friend, her only friend, and she would never lie to her.
‘I’m sorry,’ said Norbu.
‘You did no wrong. You can leave now.’
‘But sir—’
‘JUST. FUCKING. LEAVE.’
‘They . . . they will hit me again,’ said Norbu, clutching to his seat. ‘Please don’t tell anyone.’
‘I’m sorry for shouting. I won’t tell anyone. Where is Namrata?’
‘She’s not talking to me since I—’
‘It’s fine,’ I said. ‘I will talk to her. No one’s going to hit you again. I will make sure of that. Does anyone else know? Has she told her parents yet?’
‘No.’
I wrote Norbu a sick note and he was allowed to go home early that day. I felt sick myself and threw up thrice. How the fuck did it happen? Why didn’t she tell me anything?
I called Aisha but her phone was switched off. Sarthak was visiting his father and was unreachable. I saw Vibhor later in the school and he seemed normal, even happy, so I asked the peon to get hi
m to my room.
‘Sit, Vibhor,’ I said to him when he appeared at my door. He sat and leaned back on his chair. ‘Is there something you want to tell me?’ God knows what it took for me to restrain myself.
‘What?’
‘The rumours. Is there any truth in them?’
He laughed uncouthly. ‘Of course not, sir. I expected better out of you. She’s just acting out. You know she’s a little crazy, right? Things are fine between us.’
‘She hasn’t come to school for a couple of days.’
‘I know. But that’s because Sarthak is out of town and her mother’s not well.’
‘Are you sure there isn’t anything else? Because if there is—’
‘Of course, I’m sure. Can I go now? Because the more time I spend inside this room the more people will think I’m a nut job. No offence.’
‘Okay, leave.’
He got up to leave. ‘And sir, it’s a personal skirmish between her and me. It’s better if you don’t make it into a big thing.’
‘Listen, you asshole. If I find even a sliver of truth in this, I will thrust my hand into your mouth and rip you in half.’
‘Whoa. Sir. Chill. Nothing happened.’
‘For your best interest, I hope so.’
He smiled like he didn’t give a fuck, and left whistling.
35
Aisha Paul
I ran a fever for three days. I had switched off my phone. Sarthak wasn’t around so I curled up in bed with my mother’s arms around me and cried all day. I felt guilty. What would my mother think when I tell her this? My father? They would die knowing I exposed myself to such a risk. They had placed their trust in me and I had betrayed it by getting drunk and allowing this to happen. It was a lesson, and I deserved it.
The bell rang. ‘Let me get that,’ my mother said. I clutched her tighter. ‘I have to, baba.’
She tucked me in and kissed me and left to get the door. Minutes later, I heard a few voices from the living room and then the shuffling of feet.
‘Look who’s here!’ exclaimed my mother, her arm interlocked around Vibhor’s. He was smiling, and in my house, in my room with my mother by his side.
‘Beta, she’s been sick for three days. Sit, sit, I will get something for you to eat.’ My mother left me with him in the room.
He came and sat next to me and he wasn’t smiling any more. I pulled the blanket over myself. He held my hand softly, like the nice boyfriend he was, and kissed it softly. I jerked my hand back and it was wet with his saliva. I rubbed it on my bedsheet and tucked my hands beneath my thighs.
‘I missed you so much,’ he said. ‘A strange thing happened today in school.’
‘What?’
‘Norbu told a few people that you were sleeping when we had sex,’ he said as a matter of fact. ‘Why would you say that to him?’
‘I didn’t—’
‘Of course, you didn’t,’ his voice down to a murmur. ‘He told me you said that to Namrata.’
‘I was just—’
‘We had a little fight, Norbu and me. I know you said it because he took the beating.’
I gasped.
‘All I want to understand is why you said it.’ His eyebrows burrowed. He got up and paced around, scratching his forehead.
I stared at the wall behind him.
‘TELL ME.’
‘I was sleeping . . . I didn’t know you—’
‘SO WHAT?’ he shouted and punched the wall. ‘You wanted it as well. You know that!’
‘Vibhor, I’m sorry.’
‘You are sorry? YOU FUCKING GOT DRUNK THAT DAY! IT WAS YOUR IDEA TO STAY OUT! YOU KISSED ME AT MY PLACE! And you accuse me of rape—’ he yelled. ‘Are you out of your fucking mind? Do you know what people would think of me? That fucking teacher of yours called me into his room like I was a goddamn mental person. He fucking threatened me.’
‘I’m sorry, Vibhor. I just told her I was sleeping.’
‘THEN WHY IS THE WORD RAPE HANGING IN THE FUCKING AIR. What do think others will think about me, huh?’
‘I just—’
‘You didn’t say anything the next morning. You sat at the dining table with my mother and you were smiling. You were smiling and holding my hand, damn it.’
‘But you didn’t ask me before—’
‘Ask you? You were piss drunk, Aisha.’ He unbuttoned his first button. ‘This! You gave me this before you passed out!’ He pointed to a love bite a little below his collar bone. I was crying now. And so was he.
‘Vibhor?’
He spoke again, his face was flushed red, ‘I should have known better. I should have listened to the others. Everyone called you a slut and yet I dated you. It was a damn MISTAKE!’
‘I’m sorry,’ I mumbled.
‘Sorry? You’re sorry?’ he said and came close to me. ‘I’m sorry to have not known that you’re a bitch! Not that anyone would ever believe you, but I can’t have people looking at me strangely.’
He held my hand and squeezed it till it hurt. ‘You’re going to come to school and tell everyone it’s a sick joke, okay? Or I’m going to the principal tomorrow!’
‘But—’
‘Tomorrow! And I will show all the pictures to him of me and you and all your friends drinking! They will all tell the principal you were drunk out of your mind and were all over me,’ he said, angry and teared up.
‘But—’
‘TOMORROW!’ he shouted.
My mother walked in with a tray with two glasses of Coke and steaming pakodas and placed it on the bedside table.
‘Thank you, Aunty, but I need to go,’ he said. He bent and touched my mother’s feet, waved at me and left the room. My mother left after him to close the door, asking him to stay a little longer.
‘But I was sleeping and you didn’t ask. That’s rape,’ I finally mumbled as I heard the door slam close. It sounded ridiculous. Obviously, he was right. I was asking for it. How would he know I didn’t?
I didn’t even say no.
I had to go to school the next day and apologize for the ugly rumour I had spread. It was all my fault. I called Namrata that night and told her about the lie, and she screamed at me because it was my fault Norbu got beaten up and called me the worst friend ever. She cut the line. But she texted me seconds later.
NAMRATA: I’m sorry. You’re lying now. I just thought about Norbu and acted out.
AISHA: Let’s not talk about it. I will clear it out tomorrow morning.
NAMRATA: Are you sure?
AISHA: Yes.
NAMRATA: I’m sorry.
AISHA: It’s not your fault. I would have said the same things. Goodnight.
NAMRATA: Goodnight.
NAMRATA: ?
NAMRATA: ?
NAMRATA: Are you there?
NAMRATA: Pick up my calls?
NAMRATA: Aisha, call?
NAMRATA: Don’t scare me? Are you there?
NAMRATA: ?????????????????????????????????????????????
NAMRATA: ?????????????????????????????????????????????
NAMRATA: ?????????????????????????????????????????????
AISHA: I’m okay. Night.
36
Danish Roy
I saw her the next day in school, smiling. She was right there, with Vibhor and his friends who talked like she was trash yesterday, and she was giggling at their jokes like they were Russell Peter’s spawn.
I literally saw her cut my call from fifteen feet away. I dropped in a text for her to see me at my office post lunch. Having read all about how to deal with rape survivors, I knew I would never make it in front of her without breaking down but I had to try. It was eating me up inside to think what she must have gone through. It was seventeen hours since I’d slept a wink. How many hours would it have been for her?
Later that day, she walked into my office with Namrata in tow, the same smile pasted on her face.
‘Oh, it was just a joke,’ she said after the pleasantries were exchanged and I told
her why I had called her. ‘I told Namrata that it felt like rape because he was that good!’
She seemed extra happy telling me this.
‘That’s nothing to joke about. It’s insensitive and crude. I thought you were better than that,’ I said.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said and laughed inappropriately.
Namrata laughed, too.
‘Are you sure there’s nothing to worry about?’ I asked.
‘Unless great sex is a cause for concern!’
‘And you will tell me if anything’s wrong?’
‘You’re overreacting, Danish. Can I go now?’
‘Yes.’
She didn’t feel like the person I knew and was in love with when she laughed almost caricature-ishly. She left the room without a worry in the world. I felt pathetic to have killed myself over someone who was really happy without me.
*
‘I checked your search history, Danish,’ said Ankit, half-drunk, with Smriti almost dozing off on his shoulder. ‘You’re in love with her!’
How is he so productive when he’s always drunk or with women?
‘No, I’m not,’ I said. ‘I’m just concerned about her.’
‘Is that why you keep opening up her pictures? Over and over again? Every day?’
‘That’s a dick move, Ankit,’ I said. ‘Let this be the last time you touch my computer.’
He winked and dismissed my anger.
‘You can join me as soon as possible if you want to get away from her. It will be a change,’ he said, suddenly sober.
‘I don’t need to get away from her.’
‘Can I at least meet her? I need to see the girl who has you wrapped around her little finger.’
‘No, you don’t.’
‘Of course I do. I’m a little jealous I’m not the person you love the most any more.’
‘Shut up, man. Don’t you have a million to make?’
‘Already done that for the day. I had this deal—’
‘I wasn’t serious.’
‘Oh. Is it your sense of humour that drew her towards you?’