“Knew in the Biblical sense?”
He laughed at that, which made me feel better.
“Yes,” he said after a second, meeting my eyes.
“Oh.” Even I heard the disappointment in my voice.
“Does that surprise you?”
I smiled at him, going for reassuring. “No, I guess not. I mean, I saw you together. It was pretty obvious that you were together in one way or another.”
The girl behind the counter brought us our lunch and made extra sure West was comfortable, that he didn’t need napkins or extra sauce or anything. I didn’t care that she ignored me, because as soon as I saw the fries, I stuffed a steaming hot, salty potato in my mouth and moaned.
“Damn, that’s good.” I ate another one and took a drink of my water. “Listen, I’m really sorry about last night. That was totally inappropriate and uncalled for.”
He snorted. “Yeah, it was.”
“I don’t know what got into me. I think I was a little hurt.”
West’s brow dropped as he unwrapped his burrito. “But why?”
“Well, I’ll be honest.” I watched him until he met my gaze “After our talk about Blane the other night, I was surprised to hear you were seeing someone.”
He shook his head like I was being silly. “I wasn’t really seeing her, though. If she’d been important to me, I would have told you about her and brought her around. I would have taken her on a date if I really cared about her.” He shifted his burrito, trying to figure out where to start before taking a colossal bite.
“Ha, ha.” The thought that he really didn’t want her like that comforted me. “Well, I’d hope you would have told me if you felt something for her. I care about you, and I want to know what’s going on with you. I really did walk into that bar prepared to like her, for your sake. Your happiness is important to me, so if she was what you wanted, then I’d have found a way to get on board. Even if she wasn’t good enough for you.” I smiled and took a rude bite myself.
He nodded as he swallowed and touched his napkin to his lips. There was some guacamole in his beard, and I laughed.
I pointed at my chin. “Missed a spot, buddy.”
West pawed at his beard with the napkin, smiling. “So you met Chris for a grand total of five minutes and that gave you a good understanding of whether or not she was good enough for me?”
“Yeah, sound familiar, judgypants?” He laughed, and I shrugged. “It was just a gut feeling. I could see that you were uncomfortable, so obviously something was missing. What was the deal?” I took another bite.
He looked away, seeming to try to compose his thoughts. “She just didn’t move me in any way, do you know what I mean? Like, it was fine, to be with her. That was the most feeling I could muster about it. Sort of apathetic. But I’ve kind of always been like that. Whomever I end up with should make me feel. But then part of me wonders if I’m not equipped to feel more than that apathy. That’s my fear, I guess.”
I swallowed. “Okay, first, no one says ‘whomever’ in conversation. I feel like you should have a top hat and monocle on for that to make sense.”
He smiled crooked. “Sorry, didn’t mean to let my Lit show.”
I chuckled. “Secondly, I don’t think you have a problem feeling. Think about how you get about your friends. About Maggie. You’re passionate about literature and learning. And you have to admit that you get a little ragey when it comes to people you care about.”
“Maybe.”
“I don’t know, West. I think you feel very deeply.” I took a bite.
He seemed frustrated. “Then why haven’t I found that feeling with a woman? I mean, I was with Shannon for years and never felt really connected to her.” He shook his head. “I’m better at friends. Although …”
“Mmhmm?” I said around a mouthful of dry spinach and feta, eyeing the sauce with longing. Oh, the things I sacrificed for fries.
“Well, there was a girl in high school that I had a huge crush on. She was one of the popular kids, while I usually had my nose in a book and hung out with the band geeks. I used to watch her in the lunchroom with her friends and daydream about what it would be like to be part of something like that.”
“Sounds creepy.”
“It probably was. But I used to think about her all the time, daydream about what it would be like. I wished for her.”
“I get that.”
“I know you do. I think what it boiled down to was that I was in love with the idea of her, not her as she existed, if that makes sense.”
“I think I might know exactly what you mean.” I took a long drink of water to wash away the lump in my throat.
He eyed me as he pulled down the foil on his burrito. “Speaking of crushes, how’d things go with Blane today?” He took a bite.
I sighed. “I haven’t seen him much, and it’s been a relief. I’m just not sure if I’m ready to deal. He’s been texting me, brought me flowers last night … I mean, he’s trying, you know? So what else can I do but ride it out?”
He made a face.
“You still think I should dump him.”
West swallowed and set his burrito down, leaning back in his seat. “Look, I’m not gonna tell you what to do. I just think that if you find someone you’re meant to be with, there’s no question. There’s no maybe. You just want them. You need them.”
I wished it were true, hoped it could be, but I just wasn’t sure. “How do you know if you’ve never felt it? Your experience so far in life says it doesn’t exist.”
When he looked me in the eye, I saw his hope. “Because I have to believe that love isn’t always a choice. That there’s something about a love that deep that’s chemical, molecular. That’s the thing I’m waiting for.”
His eyes were so deep, I had to look away. I pulled the foil back on my burrito to keep my hands busy. “So you’re saying you don’t think people fall in love? You don’t think they just date and get to know each other? That it can be a gradual thing?”
West shrugged and picked up his lunch again. “Sure it can. But I don’t think you should start a relationship with a foot out the door.”
“Interesting,” I said half to myself.
His eyebrow jacked. “What, you don’t agree?”
“No,” I conceded wholeheartedly. “I don’t disagree. I just hadn’t thought about it like that, that’s all.”
He took a bite, and we ate in silence for a moment while I digested my burrito and his words.
West broke the silence. “So, is Blane still coming with us tomorrow night?”
“As far as I know, yeah. I think it’ll be the last chance, for him and me, you know? Like, I have to see how it goes when we’re on a date—”
“Still not a date.”
I huffed. “Well, it’s almost a date. I’m counting it. If things don’t fall into place, I’m calling it off. You’re right. I shouldn’t be so on the fence.”
“Say that again.”
My brow quirked. “Uh, I shouldn’t be on the fence?”
“No, the other part where I was right.”
“Ha, ha.” I threw a napkin at him.
He laughed, the sound deep and comforting as he grabbed the napkin mid-air and threw it back in my face.
“Dammit, West!”
His blue eyes twinkled at me. “You’re gonna be okay, Lily. I believe that.”
I smiled back. “Then I believe you.”
Lily
By the end of rehearsals that day, I felt loads better, and not just because of the carbs. Lunch with West has done a lot to set my world to rights, knowing he wasn’t upset with me, knowing he broke it off with Christine for good. It was a relief to know he hadn’t even really liked her to start, not in the real, relationship way. She wasn’t right for him — they even looked wrong standing next to each other. Equal levels of hot, but it just all felt off. I was glad to know I was right about them after all.
The lilting piano music played as we made our last pass acro
ss the studio, an all-female group working on several parts of Serenade. I was grateful Blane was in a different studio so I could concentrate. I needed every brain cell I could muster after slaughtering so many the night before.
The rehearsal ended, and I hurried to my bag with excitement flitting through me at the thought of the opera in a few hours. It was early enough that I still had time to get ready at home before West picked me up, and I had important primping to do. So I changed and blew out of the studio, waving at the girls over my shoulder.
Blane was waiting for me in the hallway, leaning against a crate labeled WIGS 197 with his hands in the pockets of his jersey pants. He gave me that sparkling Blane Baker smile, and I melted a little. “Hey, Lilypad.”
Oh, god. Please, don’t let that nickname happen for real. “Hey, Blane.”
He pushed away from the wall, and we walked toward the elevator together. “How was rehearsal?”
“Good. Group practices are so much more fun than solo. I sort of miss being in the corps, is that weird?”
Blane shook his head. “I think about that all the time. The whole time you’re in it, you’re waiting to get out. But the minute you’re promoted, you realize just what you had. I missed the crazy schedule and camaraderie within a month. Dancing solos and principal roles isn’t nearly as fun. Too much pressure.”
“God, it’s so true.”
We walked for a bit in silence until we approached the elevator. He pushed the call button. “I wanted to swing by and say hi.”
My heart flipped.
“Are you busy tonight? I thought we could hang out.”
Then my heart fell flat on its face. I wasn’t quite sure if he meant to hang out or hang out, which bugged me. The elevators doors opened, and we stepped inside. “I’m going to the opera tonight with a friend. But I’ll definitely see you tomorrow for Noir, if you’re still in?”
The door closed behind us, and he smiled, stepping toward me until my body was flush against the wall of the elevator and his lips hovered over mine. “Oh, I’m definitely in.”
He kissed me, a hard, demanding kiss, and I was elated, heart racing as I wound myself around him. He took my submission as permission, deepening the kiss, one hand in my hair.
For one, long moment, it was glorious.
His free hand slipped into the back of my pants and between my legs. As good as it felt to be touched and as neglected as I’d been, I was instantly turned off. I turned my head, breaking the connection.
“Blane …”
He backed away, jaw a hard line, eyes almost accusing. “Yeah, sorry.”
I reached for him. “Blane, I—”
The elevator door opened, and he walked backward for a few steps. “It’s okay. I get it. Have fun at the opera, all right? I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I tossed my hand in a wave and exited the elevator as he turned and walked away. My throat was tight, my chest full of regret, then anger that he could make me feel regret for not letting him finger bang me in an elevator. To catch glimpses of what he could be, what I imagined him to be, then to have it ruined by what he actually was was maddening.
But I tried to shake it off. Tomorrow night, we were going out. It would be the final testament to our pseudo-relationship.
And tonight? Tonight, I’d go to the opera with my best friend. That thought alone helped me shed the rest of the day’s bullshit like an empty shell.
13
BUTTERFLY
West
I RAN MY HAND THROUGH my hair again that night, inspecting my reflection. It wasn’t the first time Lily and I had been to the opera together — in fact, it was a pretty regular affair. But this time, I was actually dressed for the occasion.
I adjusted the knot of my narrow tie, smoothing a hand down the buttons of my navy vest. I’d had the suit made for my application interview with the help of Cooper’s eye and direction. I’d never understood the sentiment of having a good suit until I put it on for the first time. There’s absolutely nothing like it, the feeling of quiet confidence and power. Like I could take over the universe, if I set my mind to it. Or the doctoral program at Columbia. Either, or.
I opened the medicine cabinet and picked up my beard oil, pouring a little into my hand before working it in. Don’t make fun of me — I thought it was excessive too. Maggie gave me some for Christmas a few years ago, and when I finally caved and used it out of curiosity, it was a game changer.
I didn’t choose the hipster life — the hipster life chose me.
The familiar smell of cloves and oranges filled my nose, and I turned my head to check myself out once more, feeling a little vain while somehow fighting the urge to do more. I sighed. For once, I hoped I’d look like I was meant to be standing next to Lily, who always looked incredible, especially when we went to the opera.
I left my reflection behind and made my way through the apartment and into the kitchen. Patrick smirked at me from where he lay stretched out on the couch with a sketchbook.
“Looking fancy, man.”
I held out my hands and spun around on my heel like Sinatra, tucking a hand in my coat pocket when I came full circle, ending in a snap.
Patrick laughed. “Save some suave for tomorrow night.”
I frowned as I grabbed my keys and wallet. “I’m only going so I can make sure nobody messes with Maggie.”
“Oh. So it’s got nothing to do with Blane and Lily, right?”
My frown deepened. “Why would it?”
He shifted to sit up a little straighter, amused. “What, you’re not even a little curious?”
“Of course I’m curious.”
Patrick watched me for a second. “But you don’t want to meet him?”
I eyed him. “What’s your angle, Tricky?”
“I just want you to admit that you want to go tomorrow and meet Blaney in person.”
“All right, fine. I want to meet him so I can kick him in the kneecaps.”
Patrick smiled and closed his sketchbook. “I don’t like it either, but you don’t have a lot of room to judge, man. As much as he sounds like a dog, I get why Lily’s into him. They have the same goals, same rules, same fucked-up schedule. I’m sure it’s convenient. Sound familiar?”
Agitation bubbled under my skin. “Chris and I were different.”
He shrugged. “You keep saying that. Maybe you were, maybe you weren’t. I’m just saying.”
I squared my shoulders to face him. “Listen, I’m just not convinced that he’s good enough for her, that’s all.”
“To be fair, you don’t think anyone’s good enough for her.”
“No, I don’t,” I shot. “Certainly not some dick who hasn’t even taken her to dinner and bangs her in secret.” The thought of him touching her made my stomach turn.
“You never took Chris on a date.”
“But that’s my fucking point, Tricky. I didn’t care about her, so no, I didn’t take her on a date. If Blane really cared about Lily, he’d fucking act like it.”
Patrick looked at me like he knew something. “So they’re just hooking up. Why does that piss you off?”
“I’m not pissed off,” I snapped.
He laughed, and it fueled my aggravation. “My bad. You’re Blaingry.”
I fumed. “Let’s just see how this asshole does tomorrow night. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he’ll be a fucking saint, and I’ll eat a fat piece of humble pie.”
“You’ll feel even worse if you’re right.”
“Maybe so.” I turned for the door. “I’m gonna be late.”
“Should I wait up?”
I flipped him off over my shoulder and left, closing the door harder than I meant to. My brain was scrambled eggs as I walked the hall to Lily’s door, pausing on her doormat, hesitating for a long moment before I knocked.
I heard her heels as she approached and unlocked the bolt, pulling the door open with a whoosh that stole the air from my lungs.
Lily stood in the doorway, tall and lithe, blo
nd hair twisted up, skin like porcelain against the inky black of her dress. The bodice was fitted, covered in sheer lace that stretched across her shoulders, and I followed the line of her ribs down to her tiny waist, then the bell of her skirt to the hem that hit in the middle of her long thigh. But that wasn’t what stopped my heart.
It was her eyes, bright and blue behind thick, black lashes as she looked up at me, some emotion behind them that I couldn’t place. Something in the pink of her cheeks that whispered a secret that I couldn’t quite hear.
I don’t think I could have told you my name in that moment, if you’d asked me.
Maggie cleared her throat from behind Lily, and I looked over at her with a smile, not sure how long I’d been staring. I felt like my world had been flipped, and it took every bit of energy I had to try to set it to rights. “Hey, Mags.”
She came in for a side hug. “Don’t you look handsome. That suit!”
“What, this old thing?”
Maggie laughed. Lily still hadn’t moved — just stood in the entry way staring at me, stunned. I glanced over at her with my ears hot. “You ready, Lil?”
She blinked and nodded, snapping back into awareness. Her smile was soft and lovely as she picked up her clutch, and when I offered her my arm, she slipped her hand in the crook of my elbow. I tucked it into my side, a familiar feeling, something we’d done a hundred times. But this time was different, a change that was so slight, I couldn’t put my finger on it. I only knew I didn’t want to let her go.
Confusion and elation twisted through me, but I winked at Maggie, playing the charm to hide the free fall. “Don’t get into any trouble, now.”
Maggie laughed, hanging on the door. “Oh, no. I’m saving that for tomorrow night.”
I made a face at her and shook my head as we walked out of the apartment.
“Have fun, you two!” she called after us, looking at us like … well, I don’t know like what. Like she was proud. Nostalgic. Sad and happy, all at the same time.
Lily and I walked in silence for a moment, and my brain kicked into overdrive. I was so overwhelmed by her, I couldn’t concentrate — every place where she touched me, just the presence of her body next to mine as we walked down the stairs was too much.