My hand rested on the top of my belly—her foot pressed against my palm as if in answer.
“I know, baby. We’re ready, too,” I said softly, rubbing the point of connection.
With a sigh, I turned and shuffled over to Lily’s, opening the door without knocking.
A giggling screech tore through the air, and out came Hazel, running across the length of the apartment with her face bright with joy and eyes wide with excitement as she ran from West, whose arms were in the air, fingers clawed like a bear. He growled, chasing her.
“Stoppa, Daddy!” she squealed over her shoulder through her laughter.
When she looked back to where she was going, she nearly ran into me, but I was ready, bent—crouched? I had no waist to bend—arms out to catch her.
“Wosie!” Hazel said breathlessly as she careened into me. But when she saw West was still advancing, she screamed again and buried her face in my ample bosom.
“Leave my baby alone!” I cried dramatically, twisting her away from him.
“But the bear’s huuuuuungry.” He caged her ribs in his massive hands and wiggled his fingers.
She squirmed, a peal of giggling spilling out of her.
“Come ’ere.” He grabbed her like she weighed nothing and rolled her up in his arms, burying his hairy face in her neck to tickle her with his whiskers.
But within a second, her laughter turned frantic.
“Stoooooop!” she whined, still laughing on instinct, but her face edged hysteria as she pushed against him as hard as she could.
He leaned back. “Ah, I’m sorry, baby. Too much?”
Her tiny chest heaved. “Too much.” She popped her thumb in her mouth and tucked into the curve of his neck, her little arm winding around his neck.
He smiled at me, leaning in to kiss my cheek. “Heya, Rosie. How’re you feelin’?”
A dry laugh burst out of me. “Like a big, fat, sacrificial cow.”
“Well, you look good,” he said with a smirk, turning for the living room.
Lily stepped out of her bedroom with Jackson on her hip. His hair, which was fluffy and strawberry-blond, stood out from his head like down.
“Hey,” she said, smiling. “It’s about damn time. I’m going to mess up everybody’s naps if we don’t get going on this walk. And God knows if Hazel doesn’t get a snow cone, we’re all going to pay for it.”
“Snow cone!” she cheered. “Mama, is snow cone time?”
“As soon as Aunt Rosie’s ready.”
She wiggled in West’s arms to get down, and he obliged. When she ran over and tugged at my hand, I felt even worse about making her wait than I did about the fact that I was just about to walk around.
“Come, Wosie. Is snow cone time!”
I laughed. “Okay, but can I sit down for a second first?”
She nodded, and we moved for the couch, settling in together. She nestled into my side and sat patiently, the weight of her comfortable and right against me.
Lily’s brow rose. “You do the deed?”
I rolled my eyes. “Yes, nosy.”
“You feed Jack?” West asked Lily as he approached her, taking the wide-eyed baby from her.
“Yup, was just going to change him for the walk.”
“I’ll do it.” He turned to the baby. “Come on, Jack-Jack. Let’s go put you in some overalls.”
“Ugh, don’t you put those stupid overalls on him, Weston! He looks like Chucky.”
“Some nice red overalls,” he continued, ignoring her. “Corduroy ones. Or denim. We can leave one strap unhooked like a hillbilly.”
Lily made a face at him but flattened her lips, rolling her eyes when he winked at her and left the room. She sat on the coffee table across from me.
“I will never get over the sight of you in a dress.”
I scoffed. “It’s not like I own anything else that fits. At least this way, I can just let it all hang out.”
She offered a sympathetic smile. “How are you feeling?”
“Well, I’m fat and tired and hungry all the time, but I can’t eat more than a handful before I’m full. I have to pee constantly, and the bones in my feet have disappeared. Look!” I extended my inflated foot, which she inspected dutifully. “My shoes don’t fit and my back hurts and my boobs hurt and everything hurts and this baby is already a week late and you know what? I give up,” I said, my nose burning. “I just give up. I guess I’ll just be pregnant forever and—”
A rippling, warm contraction climbed up the span of my belly, and from somewhere inside me, it felt like someone had pulled a string. A pop flickered in the depths of my cavernous stomach, followed by a hot rush between my thighs.
I wiggled, rocking myself and flailing my arms to try to get up. “Shit, Lily. Shit! I think my—oh my God!”
She grabbed my arms and pulled me to standing, and I met her eyes, clamping my legs shut in an effort to stop the rush.
“I think my water just broke.”
Her face broke open with excitement. “Oh my God. Oh my God! West!”
He popped out of their room with Jackson under his arm like a football, his eyes scanning for an emergency. “What? What’s the matter?”
“Her water broke!” she cheered.
His eyes dropped to the Persian rug. “There’s amniotic fluid on my rug?”
“West!”
“I mean, congratulations.”
My heart hammered with excitement and shock. And only one thought pierced the haze in my mind. “Patrick.”
11
Rush
Patrick
The machine buzzed in my hand, up my arm, to my shoulder. The flesh under my hand vibrated when I pressed the needle to skin.
“Doing okay?” I asked the guy.
We’d been at it over two hours, and he was starting to look peaked.
“Yeah, I’m okay. Think you could … I don’t know … talk or something?”
I frowned a little. “Yeah, sure. What do you want to know?”
“I dunno. Anything. Got a girlfriend?”
My frown relaxed and drew itself up. “Rose.”
“How long have you been together?”
“Years. Feels like my whole life.”
A pause. “Man, you’re shit at this.”
I laughed. “You’re not the first to say so.” For a beat, I considered what to say. “I thought I’d lost her once. I was scared and ran. Brought another girl to the bar where she worked while she was bartending.”
He sucked in a breath through his teeth. “Fuck, that’s savage.”
“I’d convinced myself she was fine, that we were friends. I think I was trying to prove us both wrong.” He chuckled, and I kept talking, “Getting her back wasn’t easy. She’d sworn me off for good, and once Rosie decides something…” I shrugged. “Well, that’s usually that. That was years ago though. She’s actually pregnant now, due a week ago.”
“Bet she’s a real peach right now.”
I shot him a look that was only eighty percent teasing. “Far as you’re concerned, she’s always a peach.” I dipped the needle in the ink cup and got back to work. “But we’re ready. She’s definitely ready to evict.”
“It’s got to be any day. My wife went late every time. Drove her nuts. But she was never past a week. I’m sure it’ll be any minute.”
“So long as she waits until I’m back on the Upper West, any minute’s fine by me.”
My phone rang from the table behind me, chirping Rose’s ringtone. I rolled over, pulling off my glove on the way.
“Hey,” I answered. “You okay?”
She was panting, and in the background, I heard Lily speaking over a shuffling. “Nope, my water broke.”
A zing shot up my spine and down my arms, lifting every hair on the way. “Just now?”
“All over Lily’s rug. We’re going to the hospital.”
I was already standing, setting my gun down on the tray and ripping my other glove off. “I’m on my way. Lily??
?s going with you?”
“Uh-huh.” She took a trembling breath, and when she spoke again, her voice was tight with wonder and emotion. “It’s time.”
A smile brushed my lips, my heart expanding in my chest, brushing against my ribs with every painful beat. “It’s time. I love you.”
“I love you, too. Hurry.”
“I will.”
We disconnected, and the guy on my table shifted to sit.
I whirled around my station, packing up my things. “I’m sorry, man. That was—”
“Yeah, I figured. Honestly, I didn’t know how much longer I could have gone without puking.”
I smirked. “I’ll hook you up. Just call Tonic. They’ll know how to get ahold of me.”
“No problem, Tricky.” He extended his hand, and I clasped his with a sweaty palm. “Get ready to get knocked on your ass. There’s no greater job in the whole world. As soon as you hold that baby in your arms, you’ll know.”
“Thanks,” I said gratefully, swiping my bag and trotting out. I jerked a chin at Pauly, the owner. “We’re having a baby!”
“Go get ’em, tiger. I’ve got your station cleanup.”
I gave him a two-fingered salute before running out the door.
It was Friday afternoon, and traffic was already thickening with early travelers looking to get home or get away for the weekend. I was almost an hour away from the hospital with no traffic. I just hoped she could hang on until I got there.
Baby.
My heart skipped a beat, squeezed, and jolted into rhythm again. I thought of all the little clothes we’d washed, all the breast pump parts we’d sanitized, the car seat in the baby’s room. I wondered what she’d look like, if she’d be different somehow from West and Lily’s kids or Maggie and Cooper’s boy. If she would somehow feel less scary. If I’d somehow know instinctively that she was mine.
Holding their babies had made me anxious. I’d turned down every offer. A couple of times, I couldn’t get out of it, and I’d found myself sitting on a couch with a warm little thing in my arms. Their eyes were almost always closed when they were that small, but I remembered holding Hazel once. She had been so tiny, her hands impossibly small with nail beds as delicate as rice paper. But she’d blinked her eyes open and looked up at me, her pink little mouth stretching in an O, and I’d gotten it. For that brief moment, I’d understood something elemental, something I’d never considered, and something I hadn’t grasped since.
My biggest fear, I thought as I trotted down the steps of the High Street station, was that I’d drop our baby. Nightmares had plagued me wherein I dropped her in the tub. On the subway. In the park. In the kitchen. I’d been sure I had her, protectively cradling her to me, and the next thing I knew, she was slipping from my fingers.
West, Cooper, and I had actually gone to the park one afternoon that spring with a five-pound bag of flour to practice. Which meant I’d had to try to walk around with the flour in a football hold while they tried to knock it out of my arms. Cooper had ended up with a busted lip, and I’d given West a black eye, but I had not dropped the flour baby.
Baby, baby, baby.
I hurried through the turnstile and down the tunnel, spotting the train. It was packed so tight, there was no room. But I’d make room.
“Scuse me.” I pushed my way in, garnering a few looks, some murmuring dissent, and a solid shove in the shoulder. “Listen, my girlfriend’s having a baby. I’ve gotta get on this train.”
The air immediately changed as they made way, and those angry faces lit with smiles. Congratulations and pats on the back followed, but I found myself hanging on to the bar inside the doors with ten other people in the stifling train, phone in my hand and mind on her.
Fifteen stops. Is she okay?
Fourteen. Is the baby all right?
I counted them down, willing them to come faster.
I wonder if they made it yet.
We were just outside the Washington Square stop when the train ground to a halt. A tinny voice came over the speaker, cutting in and out. All I caught were the words delay and shut down and further notice.
The crowd issued a collective groan, and my panic rose.
All I needed now was to get off the train.
It was fifteen minutes before the train actually began to move. Fifteen minutes of no cell service, a hundred ripe summer bodies, and a lack of any air circulation.
By the time we pulled into the station, the commuters were a mob, pressing and rushing for fresh air and to be moving. And I led the charge, bolting out of the tunnel and up the stairs until the cool air hit my face.
My phone vibrated in my hand, and when I looked, a stack of messages from Lily piled up on my screen, the topmost setting me running for the curb on Sixth with one hand in the air and the other between my lips.
The whistle from my lips chirped, and I yelled, “Taxi!”
Lily: You’d better hurry.
12
Anywhere But Here
Rose
My lips were a tight circle, the air a concentrated stream as I breathed through another contraction. The cab bounced up Broadway toward Mount Sinai, jostling me through the start and stop of traffic, the folded towel under my ass cushioning me only marginally.
My belly was hard as stone, the muscles burning as the pain climbed all the way to the point where they connected with the rest of me. For thirty seconds that felt more like ten minutes, I bore down, breathing noisily in an effort to survive the pain.
Lily watched me with a crease between her brows that concerned me. When the tension finally receded, I panted, slumping into the seat with my head against the back.
“Why does this hurt so bad so soon?” I moaned, on the edge of tears. “What the fuck was in Tricky’s sperm? What did he do to me?”
The cabbie watched us in the rearview with an even deeper crease between his brows than Lily. “You sure you shouldn’t have called an ambulance?”
Lily shot him a look. “Her water just broke. There’s time.” She turned to me, her face smooth and reassuring. Her hand rested on mine where it was splayed absently on my stomach. “There’s time,” she insisted. “Don’t worry.”
“My first baby came on like a thunderstorm,” he said, his eyes soft with the memory. “She was in labor for three hours, pushed four times—the last two were all baby. By the sixth kid, all she had to do was flinch and, wham, there she was.”
My eyes went wide with terror, widening a millimeter more when another contraction started. The tingling low in my pelvis began to burn, the jumping nerves as the burn seared white-hot in a bath spanning up the broad curve.
“Oh God. Oh God, here it comes again.”
The cabbie chuckled. “Yeah, she’s havin’ that baby, like, now.”
I thought Lily might reach through the tiny window and throttle him. “Then hurry up!”
“Don’t worry,” he said lightly. “Cab’s largely waterproof. I don’t mind the mess.”
“Well, I fucking do! Oooooh,” I screeched, then groaned, my face pinched so tight, it hurt.
The pain was blinding, blocking out everything. The jostling cab. Lily and the cabbie. Her hand on mine. The city outside. Our destination. My universe shrank to the muscles in my abdomen and the pressure—so much pressure.
It’s her head, I realized.
Her head was pressing against my cervix as my muscles squeezed to push her down.
Out.
The sounds that left me were somewhere between grunting and sobbing. When the pain began to mercifully ebb, I fell back on the seat again and closed my eyes. This time, I couldn’t stop the tears from spilling down my dewy face, slicked with sweat.
“Hurry. We have to hurry,” I mumbled, miserably shaking my head. “Where’s Patrick?” The question was heavy with desperate hope.
He was the only person I wanted to see. He’d make everything better.
He always did.
The emptiness I felt at his absence was total.
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“Tell me he’s gonna be there, Lily,” I sobbed. “I need him to be there.”
“He’s coming, Rosie,” she said gently, smoothing my hair and using another towel to mop off my face. “He’s coming as fast as he can.”
The cabbie zoomed, cutting around traffic, honking his horn. At one point, he hopped up onto an empty curb to cut a corner, hanging half out the window, shouting, “Lady with a baby! I got a lady with a baby!”
Time became a rubber band, stretching and loosening at intervals marked by contractions. Closer and closer together they came. After one particularly brutal, lung-emptying contraction, the look on Lily’s face made my heart lurch.
“What’s the matter?” I didn’t recognize my voice, already hoarse and tinged with hysteria.
“They’re a minute apart and thirty seconds long.”
“Is that bad?”
“Well, it sucks for you, that’s one thing. And the other is that … I think you’re close.”
I groaned. “Fuck. Fuck! How long have we been in this fucking cab?”
“Half an hour.”
I sobbed openly and without care. The towel under me was soaked, the muscles in my stomach sore and aching, even when they weren’t flexed and on fire.
“I’m gonna have my baby in a taxi,” I said between hiccuping.
“No, you aren’t,” Lily said with authority I had no choice but to believe. “Are we?” she asked the driver.
“Nope!” he chirped, zipping around cars, still laying on his horn. He turned a left so hard, we almost toppled over in the backseat, then a right sent us sliding in the other direction as he zoomed into the emergency driveway.