I couldn't sleep. Instead, I paced, watching the clock, feeling everything around me shift, change, and crumble. I packed the few things I owned. I watched some coverage of the upcoming launch event. . . . The reporters, at least, weren't sleeping any more than I was. I got surprised by an interview with my father, who popped up out of nowhere; I shut it off rather than hear him say my name.
As the few hours passed, things compressed into flashes. Flash, and I was eating breakfast from a fancy tray while Marko updated me on what would happen today. Flash, and I was in an e-car with Marko, Mom, and Kiz, heading for the launch site.
Flash, and I stood in the early morning light, surrounded by paparazzi, while my mother held me tight and whispered, "Love you, Zara. You're gonna do great things."
Kiz got in on the hug. "Don't screw it up."
I took pleasure in knowing that my old man wasn't sharing this public family farewell. Like he did me, I wrote him out, now that I had the power.
Time stopped moving so quickly then, as if my brain had decided to take it all in. In a few moments, I'd be leaving Earth. Leaving everything I'd ever known. Amid a flurry of photo ops and terse mini-interviews, I finally boarded the shuttle. I'm about to meet an alien. Not a metal ship. A living creature that traveled in space, taking me along for the ride. That scared the hell out of me, now that it was more than just some holo, some abstract concept.
Valenzuela's warning echoed in my head. Don't go. Maybe this was a bad idea, worse than staying to face off with Deluca. My stomach knotted.
Somehow I lifted a hand to wave to Mom and Kiz. Mom put her hand to her heart, and I did the same. Then I was inside the shuttle.
Marko made sure I was strapped in and settled beside me. Across the aisle, a dark-haired girl that I vaguely recalled as Beatriz, the other new recruit, was breathing hard and blinking back tears while Zhang Chao-Xing--imposing and very stiff in the flesh--ignored her distress.
"It's okay," I said to the other girl, but really to myself.
The engines engaged and started to spin up, and the strangest thing happened: a wave surged inside me, almost new to me. Anticipation. This felt like running, all right, running away from my past and everything in it. Racing full speed toward the unknown.
I was good at running.
When the shuttle shot up, the roar blanked everything else as we left the Earth and flung ourselves out toward the stars.
Interlude: Nadim
Below, the planet spins. It is a beautiful world, lush in hues and energy, filled to bursting with life in fascinating shapes. I wish I could visit it, but skimming the thick atmosphere is as close as I dare. I am with the others, my year-mates, and we circle the globe in a weightless flock.
We are all empty.
It is a strange thing to feel the hollow spaces and the silence again. Peaceful, but sad. I miss Marko's calm, whispering presence. I wonder what new humans will bring me. Chao-Xing taught me a chill kind of patience. Marko taught me to listen. Each of them teaches, each of them learns. This is the way.
Elder Typhon hovers higher, hidden in starshadow, adrift on dark currents. His sails are furled as he waits. I can feel his eagerness to be done and traveling again, but I don't know what drives him on. I feel no such need, at least at the moment; the song of stars whispers far, far away. I could stay caught in the glow of these humans for ages and feel content. This is what drew us to them, this energy. Many forms of life exist in the vast, black ocean between suns, but few burn so brightly. Sing so clearly.
My new crew is coming. I feel the hot pulse of the shuttles--poor, inert things, driven by machines and not life--bringing them up from their drowning-heavy ground to the cool surface where I drift. Fifty vessels, each bearing guests. As mine nears, it gives me golden, sweet joy to feel Marko on board, less to feel Chao-Xing, but she is familiar all the same.
The other two are different, as different to each other as to me. One burns with a nervous, brittle brown chatter of fear; the other has a red edge of something else. Harder, but . . . sweeter too. Something I have never known.
Something new.
PART II
CHAPTER SIX
Breaking Through
THE UPWARD RUSH felt like the purest freedom I'd ever known.
Though I'd hated almost everything that led up to this moment, exaltation shot through my veins. I watched the Earth fall away, along with all constraints and restrictions. Whoever I'd been dirtside, this was a fresh start. This was a new me, this uniform, this slick haircut, this possibility.
Inside, though. Inside, I was the same old Zara. I didn't know if that would ever change.
I'd never flown on a plane, let alone a shuttle. For a small craft, this thing had a lot of thrust. We rocketed up, and a final boost pushed us, shuddering, past the atmosphere, and the revelation hit me hard, watching that shifting sky. The universe opened up like a darkly blooming flower to reveal a black sea full of Leviathan.
My breath caught.
Even at this distance, they still looked big, so they must be enormous up close. I'd seen the holo at orientation, of course, but nothing could do justice to the silvery, flickering sheen of them, contrasted against surrounding darkness. Their hulls gleamed with a sort of incandescent starlight, and I thought of the silver moonfish I'd once seen in an aquarium. I wondered how their skin felt to touch. Awe crept over me when I processed the fact that I was looking at a living creature with such magnificent lines. The nearest Leviathan was broadest across the center, with graceful curves from head to tail. The tail stretched out into a tapered point, and solar sails stretched out like fans, iridescent as butterfly wings.
Holy shit. I'll be living inside someone.
That was a bizarre thought, kind of reminiscent of Jonah and the whale. That wilderness Bible camp had made sure I knew lots of pointless stories. I leaned forward, straining my harness for a better glimpse. The shuttle nosed close, and the creature . . . opened.
Staring into the maw of our new reality, the other girl had a panic attack. Her big brown eyes went wide, her breath starting to shorten and grow harsh. I'd seen it before on the streets. Sometimes, if people had asthma, we had to find a med bot and get them on a breather. But she didn't seem asthmatic. Just scared to death.
"You're Beatriz, right?" I'd met her during training week, but we hadn't spent much time together. She didn't answer. The shuttle lurched to a stop, and a strange, syrupy gravity drew us back down into our chairs. Chao-Xing ignored Beatriz's distress. She was entirely occupied with her personal H2. Reading her own coverage, I guessed.
"Hey!" I said sharply, leaning forward. "Ms. Zhang. Give her a hand or something."
"Excuse me?" she said without looking up.
"You. Isn't she kind of your responsibility?"
"Not anymore. We've docked."
"Chao-Xing," Marko said, in a patient, resigned tone, like he'd developed it over a thousand uses. "Come on. Give her a relaxer. She needs it."
The woman looked irritated as hell, but she dug around in a bag by her seat, broke open a medkit, and snapped a vial under Beatriz's nose. The girl's breathing evened out, and her eyelids fluttered, like she might pass out. "There," Chao-Xing said. "Happy?"
"Delighted," Marko said in a voice that was anything but. Wow. These two . . . didn't really get along.
I didn't wait for an invitation and unfastened my straps. Once Beatriz calmed a bit, Marko disengaged the doors, and we stepped out into what seemed like a kind of docking bay. But the floor felt strange and spongy beneath my feet. I bounced a little. The ship carried a faint smell that the others didn't seem to notice, but it swirled around me like a smoky, caramelized sweetness. I drew it in deeply as I spun in a circle, trying to wrap my head around the fact that I was inside a living creature. Though I didn't like anyone bossing me around, I waited for Marko, because he had the scoop on what our next move should be.
"I'll give them the tour," he said to Chao-Xing.
It didn't seem like she intende
d to even leave the shuttle. "Make it quick. We're expected soon."
Marko stepped out with a smile that wasn't directed at either of us. "Nadim, these are your new partners, Beatriz Teixeira and Zara Cole."
I was trying to figure out how to greet a ship when I heard a sweet, low voice, somehow both in my head and outside of it, vocalized in subharmonics that vibrated pleasantly down my spine. "I'm so happy you're here."
The classes had spelled out that the Leviathan would communicate with us directly by voice, but this felt like the ship was talking to me--and only to me. The sincerity rolled over me so hard, it made the top of my head tingle. For a few seconds, I stood speechless, and I felt squirmy, for no logical reason. I got my breathing under control and shifted, feeling the give beneath my feet.
"Uh . . . hi," I mumbled. My cheeks felt hot. No. I did not blush. I hadn't blushed since I was eight.
Beatriz let out a squeak and grabbed my arm; Nadim's greeting hadn't made her feel any better, clearly. Marko led us through the docking bay and deeper into the Leviathan. Into Nadim, I corrected mentally. It always used to piss me off when people dismissed me, so I couldn't deny this ship's personhood, which sounded weird even in my head. We passed a kind of membrane that drifted over my skin--not unpleasant, just strange--but Beatriz was shivering by the time we stepped into a corridor that might have been a nerve pathway. The walls this deep shone an ivory pink, and on instinct, I reached out, then remembered how much I hated people touching me without permission.
"Go ahead," Nadim said. "It's all right."
That startled me, but I put my hand on the wall. Carefully.
Marko smiled. "Warmer than you expected?"
Definitely. Warm and silky too. "It doesn't hurt when I touch him?" I asked.
Nadim answered, not Marko. "It feels nice."
Carefully I drew my hand away and followed Marko into what I recognized from the orientation classes as our common room. The furnishings were lush and human-made, and I wondered if all this human-added stuff felt uncomfortable for the ship, like a human wearing braces on his teeth.
There was also a familiar data console--again, like the one I'd used in orientation week classes, with all its inputs. Marko recapped how to use it while I stared up at the curves and hollows of the ceiling; it reminded me first of a church, and then of the top of a human mouth. It was impossible not to feel a little overwhelmed by the collision of the familiar and the strange.
"Zara? Are you listening?" Marko sounded just a touch impatient. I quickly pulled my attention back to him.
"Sure," I lied, and I could see he knew it.
"For the first day, you'll be free to relax a bit. Then Nadim will take you on a short trip. By which I mean, within the Sol system. After that, the second phase of your training begins. The console has all the information regarding your schedule and the goals you must achieve."
"Question," I said. "What if we don't? Achieve. Do you bring us back to Earth?" Not that I was intending to fail, but better to be prepared. Next to me, Beatriz still seemed blurry from the relaxers. I couldn't tell if she was going to be able to handle this.
Nadim answered me. "I'm certain you will do fine," he offered, "and I will be of assistance in any way I can. The projects you will be working on are of benefit to both of our species. If you fail, then I fail too."
He absolutely had a mind of his own, though I should ask about pronouns. Regardless, it sounded like he intended to be a partner. In a way, that was great because there were three of us here, not just two. But it also meant that if Nadim had his own goals, and his own agendas . . . then we could be at odds.
That put me on edge, again. Because as soon as we left orbit, there would be nowhere left to run. My breath went in a sudden rush. Maybe space wasn't freedom after all. What if it was a wasteland, and I was in a lifeboat that could turn on me at any time? Something clearly went wrong for Gregory Valenzuela. Maybe that was just his own latent problems that bubbled up, or maybe it was something more. Stay alert.
Marko wasn't paying attention to me; he was talking to Beatriz, who'd finally focused enough to ask some questions. I stood there frozen, heart pounding, wondering if I could make a break for the shuttle. Go home.
Home to what? Derry sold you out. Deluca will be waiting.
I closed my eyes, and I was surprised to hear Nadim say, very quietly, "Are you all right, Zara Cole?"
I looked at Beatriz and Marko, who stood a short distance away; neither of them acted like they'd heard a thing. It was incredible that a ship could manage the equivalent of a whisper. It was in my head, but it sounded like someone standing a respectful distance away, speaking quietly.
It was in my head. That should have felt weird, but . . . it didn't. Sounds, after all, were just vibrations that got interpreted in the brain; he was just cutting out the step and tapping directly in. It didn't feel strange at all.
Which was strange, in itself.
"I'm only speaking to you," he said helpfully. "How may I help you feel more at home? The first day, I know, can be difficult."
I turned my back on the others and walked a little distance off, so they couldn't overhear. I lowered my voice to a whisper. "Look, I don't know--I thought this was a good idea, but now . . ."
I felt . . . something. Not my own emotion. It was like a shadow had brushed over me, but a shadow on my soul, not on my skin. Took me a second to identify what it was, but I recognized the feeling instinctively: Nadim. And Nadim was sad. There had been some talk of possibly perceiving a ship's emotions in training, but damned Deluca had kept me from absorbing as much as I should during my Earthside sessions.
It felt weird. And at the same time, it felt like something I'd always, unconsciously, needed--sound, where there'd only been silence. Presence, where there'd been loneliness. I didn't know why. In the training they'd talked about it as some kind of thing to be avoided. Why would anyone avoid this? Was it dangerous?
"I would be unhappy to lose you so quickly," he told me. "You are . . ." He hesitated, as if he didn't quite know how to put it. "Bright."
"Bottom of my class," I muttered. "Sure. I'm bright."
"That is not what I--"
Nadim's voice got cut off midsentence as Marko turned toward me and said, "Zara? Beatriz and I were discussing meals. Nadim has more than enough food stores, so you can eat well during your Tour. They're prepack, vacuum-seal meals, but . . ." Marko lifted his hands. "You get used to it. The WHSC tried to stock things you like."
A shiver of amusement ran down my back. Nadim's feeling, not mine. I was going to have to figure out how to push that away, if I wanted to keep my distance. "Hey!" I said, and turned around, not sure where to face him. "Food's important to us. What do you eat?"
"Starlight," he said, in that calm, warm voice. "Your sun is quite young and has a spice to it. Very strong."
"That's not weird at all," I said.
"I find your ways strange sometimes too. But interesting."
"This way," Marko said, and led us on. "Let me show you the library and the entertainment room."
We were midway through the tour when his comm buzzed. "Are you almost done? We're already forty minutes behind schedule." Chao-Xing. The tone was just short of rude.
He sighed. "Give me five minutes. I'll be there soon." Turning to us, he added, "That's just her nature. Okay, we'd better wrap this up. Remember: relax today. Tomorrow, start focusing on your goals."
That wasn't nearly enough information. "But why do we have to--"
"Understand this, Zara. I can't address your curiosity right now. One day, you'll see. But please accept for now that there are reasons for everything we do in the program."
"There's usually a shitty reason for secrecy," I said, and was a little surprised when Beatriz nodded. "It just seems strange that we're being dumped so fast, okay? I haven't forgotten what that dude said at the hotel. Or how you brushed it off."
Marko hesitated as his H2 flashed. "I told you, he had problems. They sho
uld have been caught earlier, but that's why you're going through this shakedown period," he said. "Candidates need to be quick to learn, quick to adapt, from the jump. There won't be anyone to hold your hand later, so if you can't handle it, we need to know that fast, before we leave the Sol system. We'll check on you at the end of the week."
Damn. I was probably safe from Deluca, but all kinds of things could likely go wrong out here. Maybe this week was a kind of extreme personality test; they needed pioneer or hermit types, who wouldn't crack halfway through the Tour.
Unlike Gregory Valenzuela. I instinctively liked Marko, but I wasn't sure I could trust him; still, my options on Earth weren't better. Assuming he was on the level, it wasn't like I had a lot to give up. Now that Derry had sold me out, I only gave a damn about Mom and Kiz. They were fine on Mars--out of my old man's reach--and Derry had gotten the last favor he could expect from me. I was less sure of what Deluca could do to my mom and sister, but they would be semi-celebrities for a while. That would help protect them.
Besides, I liked a challenge.
"All right, we got the gist," I muttered. "Take off, then."
"You'll do fine," Marko said. "Nadim can answer any other questions you have. Good luck, you two."
Beatriz tightened her grip on my arm as Marko strode away and vanished down the corridor. I didn't move for a while, not sure what to do.
"Did they leave?" Beatriz asked.
"Not yet." There was a pause of about a minute . . . and then a little shiver in the thick, strange gravity that I felt through the soles of my boots. Beatriz squeaked, closed her eyes, and clung tighter. "Now they have gone. Do you want to see their departure?"
"Sure," I said, before Beatriz could say she didn't, and a broad patch of skin in Nadim's wall just . . . disappeared. "Holy shit!" I couldn't hold that back, and I felt a rush of two things at once: disorientation and exhilaration. Like falling toward infinity. It was so beautiful. Velvet black, shot with colors that I'd never imagined, and below, the bright spinning ball of home. The silvery flash of Leviathan.