“Probably. Dad, you should go out there too,” Julie said.
Howard curled his lip. “Why would I do that? I got enough of Penelope’s boyfriend for one night.”
“Howard!” Lenore sent him a stony glare, but he was too drunk to heed the warning on his wife’s face.
“What? She quits her job and shacks up with this creature. She’s an embarrassment to this family to come here with that at her side. This whole thing began when he came into the picture. Am I the only one who can see the connection?”
“Maybe it’s hard to see clearly from the bottom of a tumbler of whiskey. I quit my job because I wanted to do something with my place at Colman and you didn’t want to even listen to my ideas. Asa had nothing to do with that. Also, I live in my own apartment, so we’re not shacking up. But even if I was living with him he still wouldn’t have been connected to why I left Colman.”
“You keep telling yourself that, Penelope. You don’t seem to mind failing at things.”
Everything just sort of froze for long moments as the pain of that sliced through her, tearing at her heart.
Her mother’s face darkened with anger and Julie’s eyes widened.
It was by will alone that she was able to stand without shaking on her wobbly knees. PJ grabbed her purse, pulling money from her wallet and tossing it at her father. “That covers our meal and the wine and tip. And on that loving, positive note, I’m going to leave.”
“Penelope, wait.” Her mother headed after her, along with Julie.
PJ paused at the front doors because she didn’t want to carry all the drama out to Asa, but she did not want to have this scene in a restaurant waiting area either. She shook her head at her mother. “No. I’ve had enough for one night. I’m not going to stay to be insulted and listen to all that stuff about Asa.”
“He’s drunk. He doesn’t know how to deal with you growing up and doing things on your own. You used to seek his approval; he misses that.”
“And yet he continues to toss away any opportunity to give me even the smallest bit of his approval. This isn’t about me growing up and him being a daddy who can’t let go of his princess. Remember his comments about how I love failure? He ought to know. I’ve wasted years of my life begging for his approval. I’ve now accepted that will never happen. I’m done.” It hurt for PJ to say those things, but she meant them, and once they’d been spoken, she had no choice but to hear.
“He doesn’t know what he’s saying.”
“Mom, no. I love you, but please stop. I appreciate that you wanted to meet Asa, but please don’t ask me to pretend I believe that.” PJ hugged her mother. “He knows what he was saying. For a long time I thought it was my imagination that he felt that way. But he’s been up-front about it all my life, so that’s on me.”
Her mother shook her head. “No. Penelope, he loves you.”
“I don’t need that kind of love.” She hugged her mom once more and then her sister.
Julie kissed her cheek. “Call me tomorrow. I mean it.”
“Okay. Drive safe. Love you both.”
When she walked out, she nearly bumped into Asa, who was walking back across the street with Jay and Shawn.
He totally had been showing off his car. That made her feel a little better.
“What’s going on?” Jay stopped her.
“I’m going now.” She hugged Jay and thanked him quietly for being so welcoming to Asa and for the way he’d gone to ask the bartender to water down their father’s drinks earlier.
“What happened in there?” Shawn asked.
“Too much scotch and ego.” She hugged Shawn, relieved Asa hadn’t asked anything yet. “I’m sure Julie can give you the rundown.”
Asa said his good-byes to her brothers and put an arm around her shoulders as they went to the car.
CHAPTER
Twenty-one
Once he’d gotten back on the freeway she exhaled hard. “Oh my god. I’m so sorry. I can’t believe that just happened in front of you.”
“PJ, stop.” Asa kept his gaze on the road, so she was free to stare her fill at his profile.
“That shitshow in there was so rude. Honestly, I’m horrified.” That her father hadn’t even made the smallest effort, that instead he’d gotten drunk and belligerent, had been a blow she still reeled from.
“Your dad was having a rough day by the looks of it. But that wasn’t your fault, and the rest of your family was nice. Even Jay. He bragged about you, you know.”
“Jay?”
He laughed. “Yes. He’s proud of you. They all are, even your dad, I wager. You’re different, but your siblings seem just fine with that.”
“My whole life it’s been ‘Penelope Jean, don’t be common. You’re meant for better things, you won’t achieve that if you color your hair wildly or pierce more than one hole in your ear.’ ”
“I’m glad you’re not common, darlin’. I get what you mean, but you are singular. There’s no one like you in all the world. I’m sorry your dad is having such a rough time with that.”
“The summer I was fourteen I saw a sidewalk chalk artist at work and my mother got me these chalks to use so I could try it myself. I’d go out there at the top of our driveway every day and work, hosing if off and redoing it. One day I remember trying something to give it a three-dimensional quality. Have you seen what some of those street artists can do? Like huge chalk murals that look like people fishing in lakes or crevasses down to dark depths. That sort of thing. Anyway. My dad came out and made me hose it all off and throw the chalk into the trash. He said I could have fine art lessons if I wanted, but I couldn’t deface the driveway with scribbles.”
“Christ.” He blew out a breath. “I’m sorry.”
“When he gave me permission to paint the Colman logos on our cars it was one of the best days of my life. I felt like he finally understood that just because I was different it didn’t mean I was worse. Or wrong. It was like he was all right with my being creative.” It had felt like a respite from being a failure in his eyes all the time. “And we know how that ended up.”
In the end he’d rather have her walk away because being different wasn’t treasured in her life growing up, it was suspect. It made him wary of her because she didn’t conform.
Even when she’d tried to conform she’d fucked it up.
And it didn’t seem to matter either way, because her father still didn’t want to talk to her, even at a dinner with her sitting right across from him.
“Are you ready to tell me what happened in there?” Asa asked quietly several minutes later.
Was she?
“Obviously whatever it was has something to do with me. At least partially. I want you to unburden yourself, and you can’t if you worry how I’m going to feel. This isn’t about how I feel, it’s about how you feel.”
Tenderness flooded her to near bursting. How did she get so lucky that she found this? She never expected that love would be something so utterly certain. Asa had called to her from the start and now he fit in her life in a way that lightened her heart and made her feel grounded all at once.
“I’m in love with you, Asa. You know that, right?”
Wow, had she just said that out loud? After that freak show of an evening? After he’d lied to her and she’d caught him?
“Ack! Pretend I didn’t say that.”
He reached out to take her hand, squeezing it. “No way. I heard it and I’m holding you to it. You scare me. I’m scared I can’t possibly measure up. You were meant for more than me.”
“Shut up. This again?”
He barked a startled laugh. “And then you remind me you’re perfectly capable of your own choices and decisions, so I’m not going to argue the point because as it happens I’m in love with you too. But I still want to hear about what happened in the restaurant.”
Those words made it easier for her to tell Asa. “He thinks I’m a failure.”
Asa’s voice was quiet, but she heard the anger
in it. “What? Honey, he’s drunk and he clearly doesn’t like me much. He’s just being defensive. He doesn’t mean it.”
“No. No, I think he does. All these people who claim being drunk made them say offensive or hurtful things. Bull. Alcohol exposes your true feelings. The ones normal filters usually keep you from saying out loud. And it’s not really about you, because he’s made me feel like a failure my whole life.”
Asa blew out a hard breath. “I don’t get him at all. He’s got four really great kids. You’re all at the family business. Were, anyway. You all seem to understand and value what that means. What Colman Enterprises means. He’s mad because you quit. But he pushed you there. Your quitting doesn’t make you a failure. That’s his failure—that he couldn’t see such amazing talent. You chose an alternate path to succeed. It’s petty and abusive to hang it on you like that.”
It did feel abusive, but having him say it, having someone not in her family say it, meant a lot. It meant she hadn’t been oversensitive or imagining it outright. It was so damned nice that he saw it. To be believed.
“When I quit, it was liberating and nauseating all at the same time. I knew even as I was saying the words that it was the right thing to do. It was the right choice. I don’t need him to ask me back, or even to admit he was wrong. For me, that’s past, and if he’d just made the smallest effort I’d have been happy to move on. I would have forgiven just about anything. But there have to be some limits. You just don’t say things like that. Even if you think them.”
She blew out a breath, trying not to cry as the memory of that moment washed over her again. The shame. The sense of betrayal. He’d hurt her so carelessly but with so much vitriol she knew it was exactly how he felt.
PJ pressed the heel of her hand over her heart. It seemed odd that such a wonderful thing—the first time you tell someone you love them—could happen on a day when such a horrible thing had also happened.
“He said things to me. In public. In front of other people. Stuff that got to me because it’s a lifetime worth of conditioning. Anything outside the plan as laid out by Howard Jr. is a failure. And then I’m horrified because I’m a twenty-five-year-old woman who wants her dad to be proud of her.”
He growled and then sighed. “You’re supposed to want your parents to be proud of you. I’m thirty-seven and I want my mother to be proud of me still. More than that, parents should be thrilled their kids still want it.”
Asa hadn’t been this angry at a person whose ass he couldn’t beat in years. Rage simmered in his belly at how upset Howard Colman had made his daughter.
Failure? Was he kidding?
He’d enjoyed her sister and brother Shawn as well as her mother, and even Jay was all right. They all seemed to have a great deal of affection for PJ.
Her father had power over her, which normally, if your dad was cool, was a good thing. But the guy seemed to prefer to manipulate and shame his incredibly talented youngest child, and based on the few stories she’d told Asa, her father had been picking at her the whole of her life.
“You turned out pretty well. Thank goodness for it.”
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Not tonight. Thank you for coming with me,” PJ said, her voice tired.
“Nope.”
“What? Nope what?” At least now the sadness was tinged with annoyance and a little curiosity.
“I’m not having any attempts on your part to pretend this all away. Your father shredded your heart tonight, Penelope Jean. You told me you loved me, which means your heart is mine. I don’t take kindly to things that are mine being misused. You’re mine. I warned you I didn’t play, and I don’t. I’m deadly serious about loving you.”
She tried to take her hand back but he wasn’t having that either. Fuck Howard Jr. and his bullshit. He had no right to make any of his children feel this way.
“I need my hands!”
“Why?”
“Why?” An edge of irritation had pushed all the sorrow from her tone.
Asa smiled. “Yes. Why?”
“Because you’re going to make me cry and I want to cover my face. But now I’m just annoyed, which is probably what you planned to start with.”
He snorted. “You’re super smart.”
“Oh my god! You do a PJ impression?” She grinned and it was like winning the lottery. That was far better than seeing her on the verge of tears because someone valued her enough to want to protect her. He didn’t want her tears. He wanted her joy. That’s what love was, and he wished her father understood that.
“Duke says he’d give it a seven and a half. We had a competition. I won fifty bucks.” They’d both laughed their asses off. Duke had adopted PJ as the little sister he never had, and he seemed to have subtly campaigned on her behalf with their circle and in the industry enough to have really mattered. People respected Duke, so if he liked someone, it was taken as a good sign.
It also meant Duke teased her just like he did Asa. Well, not exactly the same, but the tone and affection were.
“Oh my god. I’m going to blush so hard the next time I see him,” she said through laughter.
“I have others. Most of them I don’t share because they’re usually sounds you make when I do something you like,” Asa said. “You know how much I love your noises.”
“I can demonstrate for you and we can do a comparison.”
“Yes.”
“Right on.” She’d done a perfect impression of Duke’s signature expression.
“Holy shit! How long have you been sandbagging that?”
“When I first met Duke it was at the track, like a year or so before I met you. I think you all had just decided to do some sponsorship of a local driver and he was up checking things out. Anyway, he just cracked me up with that beard of his. He had these purple boots,” PJ said.
“Jesus, the Godzilla boots? He got those in Turkey off a street vendor. I’ve tried to kill them but they always make their way back to him, like Christine.”
“Wow, so I already think you’re the hottest man alive and you bust out a Stephen King reference. How can you continue to be so fucking sexy?”
No one gave compliments like PJ did. She had this way of seeing people always at an angle that surprised him and frequently touched him deeply. Each one was a little gift made just for him and no one else in the world.
It made him feel lucky.
At first it had been a struggle to allow himself to want her. But there had been no way around it because they had amazing chemistry. And then she’d been there in his life. Working at the shop, and then once he’d kissed her it had been a hard road to allow himself to need her. To accept that he needed her.
She was inside the walls he’d built as a kid to protect his heart, and she never did any damage. Even when he fucked up she let him work his way back to her. He did the work, even if he sometimes just didn’t know what the hell he was doing.
Penelope Jean was worth the struggle. Worth the time to open up to. Because she understood him. She saw all of him and accepted it.
And because she had a magnificently sexy temper.
As he drove, Asa let it wash over him.
He knew what it was to be in love. Like full-tilt, how the hell could I have thought anything else before this was love–type stuff.
He’d never thought he’d have that tenderness as well as the heat and excitement. It was something he hadn’t even imagined, much less known to want. But now that it was in his life he’d protect it.
“We should read The Stand and then watch all the versions of it on DVD. That would be awesome.”
“We can do that in Vancouver. Read before we go up and then watch all the miniseries while we’re there.”
“All right. I’m totally up for that.”
Asa spoke again. “You were talking about the Godzilla boots.”
“Purple boots at a reception full of guys like Jay.” She snorted. “Duke’s at the bar, in line next to me. The dude in front of us turns
around, sees me, and starts coming on to me. He’s drunk and I’m ignoring him. And then. He gives me the finger guns. Pew. Pew. Finger. Guns. I die that he did this in a non-ironic fashion. He’s clearly not going to go away so I say, ‘Really, finger guns? Does that ever work for you?’ ”
Asa burst out laughing, so glad she was cheering up.
“This awesome dude who’d been next to me in purple boots with green lizards on them tips his chin my way, wearing a smartass grin. And he goes, ‘Right on.’ ” Again, she said it exactly like his friend did. “It still makes me laugh, probably because he was already so tipsy and he’s naturally surfer-dude laid-back, which I didn’t know at the time. But I love it when he says that. If you can do me, I can do Duke. Wait. That sounded wrong.”
He tried not to speed too much but it still felt like forever to get from the restaurant to his place.
Once he got off the freeway she made an exasperated sound and pulled her chirping phone from her bag. “It’s Julie,” PJ said to Asa before she answered. “Hey. Mom okay?”
Of course she worried about her mother when it should have been the other way around. He found it hard to imagine his mother ever tolerating someone saying such a thing to any of her kids without drawing blood. He didn’t much like PJ’s family right then. From where he stood, it sure seemed like most of them hadn’t backed her up much in the past when it came to this shit from Howard. Aside from having an actual job and not being in prison, he parented a hell of a lot like Asa’s father.
He was old enough to know that made him biased going in, so he tried to give them all the benefit of the doubt. How they reacted from this point on would cement his dislike or redeem them. All of them except Howard. That piece of shit was, as his sister Courtney liked to say, dead to him.
He tried to pretend he wasn’t listening but gave up because she wasn’t dumb. They pulled down his street and she turned to him as she hung up.
“Everything okay? Sounded like she was trying to reassure you.”
“Jay and my dad had an argument. Jay had gone into the bar to ask them to water the drinks after the third one and somehow our dad figured it out, and you can only imagine what that looked like. Shawn called a cab and waited for it to take my dad home, and Julie dropped Mom off and settled her in with some tea.”