A tear dripped down her cheek. “I made a mistake, Daddy. But it was my accident. I can’t go through the rest of my life punishing myself for it or carrying around anger toward some guy when neither of us meant for this to happen. I just want to move on the best I can.”
When he looked at her again, his blue gaze trembled, the whites of his eyes shot with pink. “Are you sure this is what you want? I know… the church has strong opinions about such things, but…you’re my little girl and I’ll support you no matter what you choose. I’ll always be there for you, baby.”
Her chest quavered as she lost the battle against her tears and choked on a sob. “Thank you, Daddy.” She bit down on her lip as her throat clogged with emotion. “I know what my choices are and I’ve already made up my mind. I want to keep the baby.”
His chair scraped along the wooden floor as he rose. She wiped her eyes, but there was no containing her tears. When he pulled her into his strong arms, arms that had always protected her, she clung to him. His strength was beyond measure. Flashes from her childhood leapt to mind as he hugged her tight. Climbing onto his shoulders as she and her brothers played king of the mountain. Having him guide her hands the first time she drew back a bow. His clumsy fingers holding the daintiest teacup as he sat in her grandmother’s pearls and sipped the best air.
“I love you, Daddy.”
“I love you too, Katie girl.” He cleared his throat and kissed her hair, releasing her. His broad back filled her view, but she saw him wipe his tears on the heel of his palm. “I need a drink.”
She laughed. “Me too.”
He mockingly glanced over his shoulder.
She sat at the table, feeling as if she could finally breathe for the first time in weeks. Her father found her mother’s whiskey stash under the sink and grabbed two mugs and a gallon of milk. Sitting across from her, he filled one mug, almost to the brim with whiskey and the other with cold milk. He slid her the milk and she clinked her mug to his. They both hummed at the same time and laughed.
“So…” he said, his thumb rolling over the handle of his mug. “If Ant’s not the father…”
“Dad.”
“You know I expect a name.”
“Why, so you can drive him to the woods and threaten him with power tools?”
“There are other reasons.”
“You want to pressure me to marry him? That isn’t happening. It’s the nineties.”
“This guy’s absence tells me more about his character than his presence ever could, Katherine. That being said, even if he wanted to marry you, I’d say no. That could change, but right now I’m bettin’ he’s not the sort of man I’d respect.”
He was right about that. “You know, I never thought I’d be in this position,” she confessed. “I wasn’t prepared to make such big decisions. It’s a little unfair to the men in these situations, when they want to choose something else and the girl’s the one who has the final say. I won’t force him to be a part of this.”
“Women take the brunt of the responsibility, honey. I love all of you kids, but there hasn’t been a day yet that I’ve outshined your mother. She does everything for you kids and she’s had her fair share of loss too. Loss has a way of keeping with females when we men somehow bury the hurt until it can’t touch us anymore.”
Her parents had been together since they were young and she supposed they had their own story to tell. She had no doubt they both dealt with heartache and she was grateful her father at least assured her that pain faded in time. She needed to know that.
“I don’t think I’m strong enough to handle what giving the baby up might do to me—even if it went to a good home. It’s part of me.”
“Then I think you’re making the right choice, but it is your choice and I’ll support you no matter what.”
“The guy…he wanted me to…”
Her father’s hand slid across the table and gripped hers. “He’s not here.”
She smiled at him and squeezed his calloused fingers. No matter how hard she squeezed, she knew he could take it. “Will you teach the baby things I can’t?”
“Like what? You’re as fierce as any one of your brothers.”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. If it’s a boy, teach him how to pitch overhand. And if it’s a girl, be her hero in any way she needs.”
His smile turned soft. “We’ll leave the lessons on swearing and farting up to your mother.” They both laughed.
They talked until sometime after midnight, discussing everything, but he never brought up the baby’s father again. It was sometime in the wee hours of the night, as she lay in bed, playing back all the things he’d said, that she decided the baby’s name. If she had a girl, she’d call her Frances. And if it was a boy, she’d spell it with an I, but he’d go by Frank for short.
Everything seemed to come together in the following weeks. Though Kate’s social life had taken a pathetic turn, she didn’t mind spending her evenings yelling at the contestants of Wheel of Fortune with her parents or helping her mother in the kitchen. Ant often came by and, once her father apologized, he seemed to make amends with the other man in her life.
She told Finn, Luke, and Braydon about the baby first, but soon enough Kelly and Sheilagh found out. While the younger ones didn’t seem overly concerned that the baby was without a father, Finn and Luke were quite bothered by the fact. Colin kept his word and avoided rooms whenever the conversation came up, but as the weeks passed and no name was delivered, they all seemed to drop it.
The aunts were over the moon at the idea of a new baby to love, which removed the fear of any shame Kate thought might come. At her second doctor’s appointment she noticed three other girls in the waiting room that looked about her age. She no longer understood why she was so worried she’d feel like a pariah when young moms were popping up all over the place.
They were in the grocery store, at the library, and even at church. She suspected there were even a few she couldn’t tell because they weren’t showing yet. And though times had changed, she was no younger than her mother was when she had her.
She’d worried about church, because her family was the loud, obnoxious family at every mass, but even that turned out okay. She went to confession, said a few rosaries, and the following Sunday during mass the priest made the sign of the cross over her belly during communion.
It all seemed too easy. And sometimes, when her family encircled her and their love and support surrounded her without question, her emotions gained on her and she had to work to keep herself together. She was truly blessed to have such an incredible family and though they were all a little insane, she wouldn’t trade them for the world.
The only problem she really had, as graduation approached, was finding pants that didn’t cut into her stomach and finding quiet places she and Anthony could make out without being interrupted by her younger siblings. She’d heard women talk about all sorts of cravings, pickles with peanut butter, smoked herring, mustard on everything. But the only thing she truly craved was Anthony.
She craved his kisses, his glances, his laughter, his smiles, and most of all, his hugs. How she ever thought to deny her feelings for him made her just as crazy as every other McCullough. Sometimes, when they were together, she missed him, because even having him right there wasn’t always enough. She was addicted to him and couldn’t get enough regardless of how frequently he stopped by, which was almost every day.
He was extremely affectionate, always holding her hand and touching her hair, but he never let things go farther than a few kisses. And whenever things seemed like they might move to the next stage, he pulled back. She didn’t know if it was the baby that made him uncomfortable or the fact that her father had gone hillbilly on his ass. But it was starting to piss her off that he wouldn’t touch her boobs.
One night, as they fooled around in his car, she pulled his hand to her bra. Ant immediately pulled away and she huffed. “What’s the matter, Anthony? They’re not going to shoot mi
lk at you.”
“I know that.” He faced the wheel, his cheeks flushed. “Jesus, Katie, your parents could come out at any second.”
“Anthony, I think they know I’ve had sex.”
He glared at her, unimpressed. “That’s not funny.”
“Ant, we’ve been dating for over a month. I think it’s okay if we do more than kiss.” It wasn’t like she could get any more pregnant.
“Please fix your shirt.”
She gaped at him, his rejection triggering some unwelcome emotions. “Fine.” Sitting back in her seat, she righted her shirt and crossed her arms. “If me being pregnant bothers you, then say so.”
“It’s not that.”
“Then what is it?”
“I…” He huffed out a frustrated breath. “I’ve never done this before.”
Her eyes went wide and she blinked then laughed nervously. “You’re not a virgin.”
She really had no way of knowing if he was or wasn’t, but he couldn’t be. He was nineteen—and hot. She wasn’t the only person having sex at their age. Everyone was doing it, which was why she’d given in when Nick wanted to. It seemed the only way girls could keep a boyfriend—though that didn’t really pan out either.
He scoffed. “How would you know?”
“I just…assumed.” Wow, maybe she had everything wrong. If she’d known there were guys out there actually capable of waiting she might have been picking out colleges classes instead of strollers. “I’m an idiot. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize.” He still sounded irritated.
“Is this, like, a thing? Are you…waiting?”
“I’m not waiting for marriage or anything like that. I just think it should be special. I think people should…be in love.”
Her heart pinched as she stared at him. He was a really good guy and sometimes it hurt to know some other girl would end up with him. She took his hand and whispered, “I think that too.” She just wished she had thought of it sooner.
From that night on she became obsessed with the phenomenon of love. She wasn’t sure how people knew when love was love and not just lust. She never believed she loved Nick or any of her boyfriends before him, but Ant was different. She figured she’d know when he loved her because he’d do more, but maybe he was waiting for her to actually say the words. They were really big words.
As the weeks went on her perspective on men and romance shifted. If not for the thought of him leaving, she never would have rushed things. Ant never made her feel pressured and sometimes kissing was all she really needed. She decided to not think too far into the future and simply trust that the end would eventually come and she’d handle her emotions then. That worked for a while, but not as long as she would have liked.
The morning of graduation she sat on her bed, staring at the floor, wondering why she felt so empty when she’d expected this moment to be the most fulfilling milestone of her life so far. Everyone was so excited to get flung out into the adult world and had so many great prospects ahead of them that she felt apart from her peers. No matter what, she couldn’t shake the hollow ache inside of her.
As she donned her gown and pinned her cap in place her mother knocked on her door. “Mum, is this straight?”
“Oh, don’t you look lovely.” She adjusted her cap and pinched her chin. “I still remember the day I graduated, but mostly I remember looking for your father in the crowd.”
Kate sat on the bed and her mother followed. “Did you love him then?”
“Perhaps. Sometimes I think I loved him the first time I set eyes on him. Oh, he had such an arrogant swagger about him. Took my breath away.”
Kate smiled, appreciating the special sort of relationship her parents had, and a bit envious, because she might never know the same. “When were you sure you loved him?”
Her mother’s head tilted, as she considered the question. “Do you ever get pissed off at someone and your anger crashes over you like a storm?”
Kate thought of Cheryl. “Yes.”
“Well, I think loves a bit more subtle. It’s like a summer rain that comes and mists everything around you until the world changes colors. Everything’s heavier and brighter and a bit messy, but the change is so faint and feels so natural, you hardly realize anything’s different at all, but you know you’re not the same person you were before that love was born.”
“That’s really pretty, Mum.”
“It’s the best I can explain it.”
The ache widened like a chasm in her chest, stretching her heart thin. “Do you think I’ll ever be in love like you and Daddy?”
“Oh, sweetheart.” She clutched her hands, squeezed them affectionately and laughed. “I think you’ll know a love a hundred times greater than ours.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re having a baby, dearie. There’s nothing as strong as a mother’s love for her child.”
And she was glad for that, but it didn’t quite replace the ache inside of her to know the love of a partner. “You’re right. I don’t know why I’m worrying about this now.”
“Is this about Anthony?”
“I don’t know. He’s leaving in a month and a half and I don’t want to make things harder than they already are. I should just be happy that he’s been this patient with me so far.”
When her mother was quiet, she knew she was holding something back. But she didn’t know what it was so she had no way of guessing. “Never mind.” Kate stood and checked her reflection one more time.
Her mother stood behind her and rested her hands on her shoulders, her gaze meeting Kate’s in the mirror. “You listen to me, Katherine, because no one can make the tough decisions for you. I remember what it was to be your age and to have people tellin’ me what could and couldn’t be. I didn’t always listen, but I did prove to anyone who doubted me that love could overcome extraordinary things. If you love that boy, you love him with all of your heart. And if he loves you, truly loves you, it won’t matter what came before or what comes next. Love might be subtle, but true love is fierce and not something you’ll be wantin’ to go up against.”
Her heart pinched as she rested her fingers over her mother’s. “Thank you—for everything. You and Daddy have been so good about all of this. I could never do it without you.”
She kissed her cheek and smiled. “You’re our baby girl.”
Her mother left her alone and Kate glanced down at her hand. She thought of Anthony and her stomach fluttered with excitement. Pulling off her ring, she turned it and slipped it back onto her finger, crown facing out. Looking at her refection, she smiled and whispered, “Love is subtle.”
When they reached the school she proceeded to her place in line and filed through the procession to her future. Kate listened to every word spoken. She hung on the hopes of her class that this did not mark an ending, but the start of a new beginning. As she scanned the faces in the crowd, she mentally ticked off those she knew she’d never see again and made amends with those she no longer needed in her life. Of all her classmates, there was only one she wasn’t ready to say goodbye to, and as their row stood, McCulloughs to Marcellis, she looked back at him and smiled.
Anthony gave her wink and she took the first step toward her future. Terrified, but also excited for whatever prospects it held.
When she crossed the stage, the principal shook her hand, congratulated her and passed her a diploma. It was all so monumental, but somehow she knew she’d forget this momentary transaction yet always remember the way Anthony smiled and winked at her, giving her the confidence to take that first step.
She watched him accept his diploma, heard his family shout from the bleachers, and smiled as he held it up proudly. He was so charismatic in everything he did, he’d be impossible to ever forget. This was the first of many graduations in his future and he’d worked very hard to earn this moment. They all had.
Once they were back in their row, they waited out the last half of the alphabet unti
l the moment of truth finally came. As one, they lifted their tassels and turned to the next chapter of their lives.
The student body was free and as the audience cheered, Kate searched the crowd and spotted her family already working their way down the bleachers like a stampede of wild caribou. They had a bit to travel, so she searched for Anthony, but his seat was empty much like the rest.
In a sea of blue and white, she tried to find him, but everyone looked the same. For some reason, it became imperative that she see him one last time before he left with his family to go celebrate.
“Katie!”
She turned and searched for him, grinning as he stood on a folding chair waving his cap in the air. She rushed though the students filtering toward the bleachers, apologizing as she shoved her way against the current back into the crowd. He jumped off the chair and she lost sight of him.
“Anthony!”
“Katie!” he yelled back.
Shit. She couldn’t find him. The music was so loud and everyone was pushing to go in the opposite direction toward his or her family. “Anthony, where are you?”
A hand closed around her arm and pulled her through the crowd, his voice full of laughter as he whispered in her ear, “I’m right beside you.”
She smiled into his dark eyes, the brief rightness of those words becoming something she wished would always be. “We did it.”
He pulled her closer, his smile priceless as he cupped her cheeks. “Yeah, we did.” His lips pressed to hers as he held her protectively, their bodies, in the rush of caps and gowns, stood as still as a jetty somehow suspended in time.
She hugged him tight as he broke the kiss. His face pressed into her hair and he whispered, “I love you.”
A chill stole over her body and then she heard his mother’s voice. “Anthony! Where’s my boy?”
The crowd was in gridlock, but his mother wedged herself between the bodies to get to her son. Anthony released Kate as his mother barreled toward him, pinching his cheeks hard enough to make Kate wince.