I shot him a look that said, You really don’t want to know, pal.
“Snappy, come on. Just tell me.”
“Fine. You want to know so badly? First: my name is not ‘Snappy’, so please stop calling me that. Second: the narcissistic personality, the annoying remarks, the arrogance, the patronizing things you do which you think are so damned amusing. There.” I took a breath. “Happy?”
Then I mentally slapped myself, because all chances of working with The Accidentals were now as dead as could be. Seth was going to kick my ass. I could almost hear him crying.
Caleb looked at me with raised eyebrows. “Wow. That was a lot. Thanks for the vicious bluntness.”
I buried my face in my hands and sighed. “I’m sorry.” I really was. “But you asked for it.” He really had.
Caleb just chuckled at me. “That’s cool, Snappy. I’m glad you got it off your chest.” He seemed completely unfazed by everything I had just thrown in his face. “I guess you have the right to think anything you want of me,” he said, shrugging. “But just so you know, you’re wrong, Miss Gray. You don’t know me at all.”
“I just call it as I see it,” I retorted. “That’s how you portray yourself.”
“I guess that’s fair to say. I’ve been in this business for a long time now; it’s what happens: you start building masks to keep people from seeing the real you. But I’m not like that at all.”
I stared at him, but couldn’t see what he was feeling. I kept forgetting I had lost my sight ability and couldn’t read anyone any more.
“Listen, how about you tell me what really happened back there and I’ll try to help you?” he offered with an earnest smile.
I tensed up, fearing that if I started talking about it, my mental stability would shatter into tiny, deadly pieces. “I’m sorry,” I whispered quietly.
“About what?”
“About everything I just said to you. I hardly know you and you don’t deserve to be treated like that. Sorry … In my defense, I’m really messed up in the head right now … and this day has been really hard for me.”
“Aw, now you just lost a lot of points, Snappy. I was really impressed with your speech. Nobody has ever talked to me like that before. And now you’ve just ruined it by apologizing. No fair,” he joked playfully.
After a few minutes’ appeasing silence he spoke again. “Seriously, Joey. You can talk to me if you want.”
I played with my bracelets and looked down at the floor. “How did you know … about me and Tristan being together?”
He smiled, happy that I was finally letting him in. “You got me curious that day at the awards, so afterwards I looked up your band on the internet. I searched for videos and stuff about you guys and noticed how close you are to the boys,” he said, looking at me with an intense stare. “You are always hugging and kissing them, like they are all your boyfriends,” he continued. “Except for Tristan.
“I mean, with Tristan, you are always restrained, careful with your moves. Why do you only act like that with him? I had to watch what you were not doing in order to see what you were trying to hide,” he explained. “And also, there’s the way he looks at you. That’s a dead giveaway. Seriously. He’s not very subtle.”
“But how did you know about … the reason we’re fighting now?” I asked.
“That scene downstairs had relationship crisis written all over it. Best logical guess, I suppose. I’m sorry. I know how it sucks.”
I laughed bitterly. “Yeah, right. You? I don’t think so.” He was, after all, the one famous for always doing the cheating, not the other way around.
“Yeah. Me. I’ve been cheated on. Is that so hard to believe?” he asked with a shy laugh.
“Well, yeah, sorta.”
Caleb definitely fell into the same Greek Pantheon of Gods category to which Tristan belonged. And he knew how to take advantage of it. No wonder he’d been called the sexiest rock star of all time.
“Trust me, Joey. I know how you feel,” he stated seriously.
“Yeah, well. He could at least have had the decency to pick someone better to cheat on me with. I mean, Jessica is beyond bad taste,” I said, disgusted.
“You mean Jessica Mirtles? ‘Red Jessica’?” he asked, and then explained, “It’s my nickname for her.”
“Shut up! Mine too!”
He chuckled. “But you know, I think I have to play devil’s advocate now,” Caleb said, shifting a little on the floor. “If you know Jessica already, I’m sure you also know how … determined she can be.”
I snorted loudly. Yeah, a ‘sexual-harassment-lawsuit’ kind of determined.
“Hell, my first time with Jessica, she practically raped me,” he confessed. “You have to cut your man some slack here. Jessica can be crazily aggressive when she’s after a dude. I hear she’s been after Tristan Halloway for quite some time now.”
My head felt heavy and my chest tight.
“Go home. Talk to him. Let him explain,” Caleb said quietly. His soft, calm tone felt like a soothing balm to my jittery nerves.
But I still had a lot to think about before talking to Tristan.
Maybe I’d overreacted. I didn’t have my empathy-sight any more so I couldn’t tell what Tristan had really been feeling. Maybe his lips had been parted because he was trying to say something, not trying to kiss her? But maybe this was his way of telling me he was not happy with things. After all our fights about Vigil … I had no way of knowing for sure.
“How long do you think we’ll be stuck in here?” I asked, changing the subject.
Caleb smiled softly at me. “I dunno, maybe a few days, a week? You look skinny, so you’ll probably die first. I’m letting you know I don’t have any problems with cannibalism in order to survive. Your thighs look delicious,” he teased.
I gave him a dirty look but he just sat there laughing his ass off.
Then someone rapped on the outside of the metal door and I scrambled up quick as lightning, shouting to get attention. “Hey! We’re in here! We’re stuck! Get us outta here!” I yelled, banging at the door.
Half an hour later, we were finally freed from the elevator.
I had to admit, my opinion of Caleb changed dramatically following the time we’d spent in there. He really did have a way with words and had known exactly what needed to be said to calm me down. If it hadn’t been for his intervening in the hotel bar, his quick rescue of me, something really bad could have happened. Without even realising it, he had prevented a major catastrophe from happening today.
It was dark already when we walked out of the hotel. Caleb stood with me while I waited for the taxi he’d called. I’d resisted at first, but I did need some time to think, so a cab seemed like a better plan than phoning someone to come and pick me up. As we waited, Caleb took out a bit of notepaper from his pocket and quickly scribbled something on it.
“Here’s my contact number. If you need to talk, call me. Any time.”
I took the note and folded it into my pocket. “Thanks, Caleb.”
He flashed a shy smile, tucking his hands back inside his jeans. He stood awkwardly, a little embarrassed at being caught in an honest, heartfelt moment. It didn’t do any good for his bad-boy persona. I smiled as he swiftly tried to cover it up.
“Definitely call me if things don’t work out with the boyfriend. I’ll take you on the most amazing date you’ll ever have!” He gave me a wolfy grin, back to the normal jokey Caleb.
The taxi arrived and I got in, Caleb closing the door behind me and then stepping back to bang his hand on the hood of the car, signaling for the driver to move on.
“Where to, miss?” the taxi driver asked.
“Home,” I said with a heavy heart.
Chapter Nineteen
Without a Word
The journey home was quick and quiet. I buzzed down the window and stared out at the dark, empty streets and my heart tightened in my chest. There was a knot inside me that wouldn’t go away. It felt stuck in my throat, making it ha
rd to swallow.
I closed my eyes and focused on the feel of the wind rushing past my face. The streetlights flashed their yellow glow while the cab sped past. The only sounds I could hear were the humming of the engine and the low buzz of the radio. Thankfully the cab driver was one of those rare ones that didn’t like engaging in mindless conversation to pass the time.
I sighed and rested my head on the back seat, trying to gather my thoughts, bracing myself for what I needed to face. I knew Tristan would be waiting for me at home. This was going to be a hard conversation, but it needed to be had. I was going to trust my guts and do the best thing for us. Which also happened to be the hardest thing, but wasn’t the right thing always the hardest? I needed to be brave enough for the both of us.
I visualized Vigil’s lessons to better control my feelings and breathed deeply, counting my heartbeats, feeling the wind cool my skin. My agitation subsided and I felt myself slowly relaxing.
After the cab stopped in front of our house, I paid the man and walked up to the front door, accidentally stomping on something on the ground by the doorstep. It was a white lily with a black ribbon and a little note. I just kicked the flower out of my way and entered the house; there were more important things needing my attention.
There was no one in sight, so I headed straight for Tristan’s room. I had a feeling he would already be there, waiting for me.
I felt so tired and, suddenly, so very old, like I had the weight of everything laid on my shoulders, and it was with leaden steps that I walked inside, with numbness swelling and pouring out of me.
Tristan was indeed sitting on his bed, his head bent low as he stared fixedly at the floor, his hands digging through his dark hair. As soon as I stepped into the room, he turned his head in my direction, the yellow glow of the lamp at his back softly bathing the side of his anguished face. He tensed and rose from the bed, leaving his hair a disheveled mess.
“Joey,” his hushed voice called out to me in a strained whisper. “Please, you didn’t give me a chance to explain,” he began hesitantly. “I-I know this sounds like a cliché, but it really wasn’t what you’re thinking.”
I crossed the room quietly and sat down on the bed. Tristan sank down next to me, looking at me with pleading eyes. I sighed. I felt so weary.
“Really, Tris? You know what I am thinking?” I asked, and found it so strange how distant and detached my voice sounded. It was like the numbness I was feeling inside was spreading through my vocal cords, too. He looked hesitant for a second; his lips parted slightly but no words were able to come out.
“Joey, please …” he managed quietly at last.
“Let me tell you what I think happened, Tristan,” I said, calmly crossing my hands over my lap. “I think the bar was too loud, too crowded. You hate that; it makes you feel suffocated. So you sneaked through that door because you thought you’d get to a quiet space where you could be left in peace for a while. Jessica, of course, had her eyes on you the whole time and followed you there. You tried to turn her down politely, but she came on to you like a randy tigress. I bet she had something like a ‘it’s now or never’ deal in her head. You didn’t have anyone to get you out of that tight spot. That’s when I came by and caught you two,” I finished evenly, while he just watched me in surprise. “So, tell me, what really happened?”
“Hmm, no, that’s … pretty much dead on what happened,” he acknowledged in surprise. Then he knelt down in front of me and looked me straight in the eyes. “So … everything is fine, right, Joey? Because you looked so mad. I was scared you wouldn’t believe me.”
“I also believe that a very small part of you really did want to kiss her, though.”
He flinched a little. “Joey. I didn’t … I don’t …”
“It’s a very small part, really, in the back of your mind. But it was there, wasn’t it?” I leaned closer, looking him deeply in the eyes. The amazing thing about human behavior is that you can always count on people falling into old steps, through force of habit. Tristan had conditioned himself to avoid eye contact whenever he wanted me out of his private feelings, because he knew that as soon as I glanced into his bright gray eyes I could see them as clear as daylight. And that was what he instinctively did. He glanced down instead of looking me in the eyes.
“You don’t need to answer me. You just did, without saying the words,” I said coolly. “I might be temporarily blind right now, but I can still get my answers from you.”
He looked upset. “Joey, this isn’t fair. That may even be true – this small part of me might exist – but it’s way too small. It’s not important. And it’s not like I’m lying; I just don’t want you to notice and misunderstand it, because it really doesn’t matter to me. You are the only thing that matters to me,” he said, exasperated.
“But I’ve seen this in your eyes before. When you go out alone with the boys, the curiosity is there. I pretend not to see it, but it’s there.”
“I’ll never act on it, you know that, Joe.” Then he stopped and passed his hand roughly through his hair. “I’m sure Seth has it as well, and Sammy. I’m sure you have it, too. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a silly fleeting second of curiosity. It’s mindless and unimportant. If it wasn’t for your sight, you wouldn’t even know,” he pleaded.
“I’m sorry, Tris. I know it’s not fair to you. Everybody should be able to keep their private thoughts to themselves, without feeling guilty for hiding them.”
He let out a deep breath. “That’s not what I meant, Joey. I wasn’t trying to blame it on you. I told you once, a long time ago, this is a gift and a special part of you. I’m only trying to explain to you that it is human to wonder about those things, but in the end, what really matters is the choices we make,” he said, taking hold of my hand. “And you are my choice. Always.”
I shook my head. “I think you have the right to be curious, Tristan. I’m not mad, honestly, I’m not. We have been together for so long.” I tried to explain. “We met when we were, what? Seventeen? We were so young and you’ve only been with me all this time. It’s normal to want to try something new.
“I can see your excitement when you go out with the guys, the thrill you can almost taste of being single and free. I know how much you are pestered out there. It must be tempting to reach out and just … take it.”
He huffed loudly, frustration seeping through his breath. “I don’t … Joey, come on! That’s not what I want. You can’t be serious.”
“A part of you wants it,” I said, and then paused a little, to gather my thoughts. “We keep having this fight all the time, this jealousy consuming us both. All these insecurities: it’s Vigil, it’s Jessica … Maybe we just need to take a break from each other, live a little outside of this relationship.”
He stood up and started pacing back and forth, like a caged animal. “What are you trying to say, Joey? What are you trying to get at? Are you seriously trying to tell me that I need to just go out there, have a blast, and just fucking leave you?” he spat out.
“Yes,” I finally let out on a regretful sigh.
The blunt force of such a small word halted him in shock.
“No.” He turned to stare at me with crazed, despairing eyes. “How does leaving you make any sense? I’m not going to. I don’t care about anyone else but you. I’m not leaving.”
“Tris … please try to understand. We have to.”
“No. Why? Why do we have to? You’re not making any sense. Just because this stupid Jessic—”
“This isn’t about her,” I said, interrupting him. “It’s not her fault, or yours … or anyone’s fault, for that matter. There is no one to blame here, Tristan.”
He walked back to me and knelt in front of me again. He was about to protest, beg me to listen, when I cut in. “This is about us. I think we need to do this. Please, try to understand that I’m not trying to punish you. I’m not trying to make you suffer. I’m doing this for us,” I said, taking his hands in mine.
/> I blocked the grief that threatened to surface and forced the numbness to fill me completely. “You know why I almost lost it when I saw you and Jessica like that? It wasn’t because I thought you were cheating on me. It was because, for a split second, I thought about what it meant to not have you in my life any more, to lose you again.” I sighed. I remembered when I’d lost him the first time, in the first year he was alive. I remembered what it felt like. It was the most intense and unbearable pain I had ever felt in my life. I remembered how I drifted through life like a ghost myself. In pain, and hollow, living without a heart, like a crippled soul.
“And when I realized, Tristan, how much this single frail thought could destroy me, I ran. I couldn’t face it. It was … too much for me. That’s when I also realized how weak I am.” I shook my head when I saw he was about to protest. He used to say all the time that I was the bravest person he’d ever known.
I was the biggest fraud.
“No, Tris. It’s the truth. Just the mere idea of living without you terrifies me to death. And that is just so wrong. Can’t you see?” I asked, slipping down from the bed and kneeling in front of Tristan, facing him, on the floor, my hands never leaving his. “I know it terrifies you too. We are so mashed up together, mixed in to one another, that we can’t tell where one ends and the other begins any more. We’ve stopped existing as individuals, that’s why the thought of losing each other is so damned scary. We have crippled ourselves. And we can’t keep doing this. That is why we need to leave each other for now. Do you understand?”
Do you? I silently asked. Do you understand, my love?
I put my hands over his heart, begging for him to understand. He shook his head, refusing to let go. His cheeks were wet with salty tears and he pulled me close and hugged me tight, his face buried in my neck.
“Don’t leave me, Joey,” he begged, his voice a frail whisper.
“Please, my love, don’t cry,” I whispered in his ear, cradling him in my arms. He pulled me closer to him so my legs were wrapped around his side, and we rocked silently in sorrow.