He forced a laugh. “I totally believe you when you say things in that voice …”
“You better believe it, Harry. I’m being absolutely serious.”
He nodded and stared at the floor. He didn’t look as tired as he had a moment ago. It seemed like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.
“Thank you for talking to me; you’ve really helped, Joey. You’re the best.” He gave me another hug. Then he stood up, grabbed my hands and pulled me up too. I pushed myself up at the same time and ended up stumbling forward, landing against his chest. He laughed at me and my clumsiness, his face really close to mine.
“You’re always doing this,” he mused. “I pull and you push at the same time. Do you remember that first party at Sagan? On my secret terrace? You did the exact same thing!” His face broke into a smile. He was still holding me tightly against him.
“I thought you were making a move on me that night,” I said, chuckling.
“I wasn’t. I was trying to move your chubby ass off the floor! But when you crashed into me like that … I did really want to kiss you,” he confessed.
My brows arched, surprised. “Why didn’t you?”
He chuckled, but still didn’t let go. “You looked so guilty, like you’d been caught cheating. I thought it was because you already had a boyfriend. I didn’t know you and Tristan had a thing back then …” he said, and smiled, like he had just heard an old familiar joke. He spun me around and tilted me backwards, with his arm cradled under my back for support. “It would have been an awesome kiss, though.” He smirked and tilted me some more, teasingly, making me hold on to him firmly so I wouldn’t fall back onto the floor. His face was really close. I closed the remaining inches and gave him a quick peck on the lips. When I pulled away, he was smiling softly at me.
“See? There you have it. It’s just a kiss. Nothing much,” I said, chuckling.
“Yeah. I guess so.” He gave me a sideways smile.
We locked eyes then, and this eerie silence surrounded us, as if the world was watching for some really important moment to happen. This time he was the one who leaned in, deliberately slowly so I would have time to pull away if I wanted to.
My eyes were lost deep inside the emerald pools of his eyes. His lips brushed softly over mine, delicate and sweet.
And then he kissed me.
But it was nothing like the brotherly peck of a second ago. This was not a kiss of a brother. It stirred things I had buried deep down and forgotten about. Little jolts of electricity ran through me, making my pulse quicken. His tongue found mine and his taste was so sweet yet tinged with sadness. I wondered if he could taste my fear.
Fear that this could destroy us, destroy what we’d had for such a long time, break our friendship into pieces. Fear that I had nothing to offer him, because my heart belonged to someone else.
He deserved so much more. He deserved someone who could give him everything. He deserved a full heart of his own. But all I could give him was my friendship, my everlasting, undying friendship. That was all I could offer him. Nothing more.
I wondered if he could taste my sorrow.
Because I could taste his: bittersweet.
I could feel the truth. He tasted cool and dark, burning and bright. Cold and heat wavering in a passionate dance, forever moving, recoiling and striking, so much beauty in every movement. He kissed me without holding back. We had crossed the line we had previously been so careful not to tread. We’d never dared to give in to that dangerous first step, because we both knew how much pain that path could bring us.
His lips were demanding mine, claiming what his heart truly desired.
Harry stopped kissing me and leaned back a fraction of an inch, ragged breaths escaping from his lips. He remained so close that our noses still touched.
He gazed at me in silence, his eyes carrying so much longing that they threatened to shatter through the force of it.
Suddenly, realization dawning, his expression shifted to a serious frown and he tilted me back upright and finally let me go. “Sorry. Shouldn’t have done that. That was wrong of me.” He stepped away from me quickly and stumbled back to his bed. His hands were closed in fists as he stared hard at the floor. I stood in the middle of the room, still trying to recover.
“Joey … can … can you please … just … forget about what happened?” he pleaded. We had broken the unspoken rule; we had gone beyond the line and he was regretting it now. He looked even more dejected than before.
I moved to his side and sat down, taking his hand into mine, opening his fist and interlacing our fingers. He relaxed considerably at this small gesture, understanding what I meant by it.
“Sure, Harry. I’ll do whatever you want,” I said softly.
He gave me a sad smile. “You belong with Tristan. Anyone can see that – except you two numbnuts.” He squeezed my hand. “Things seem a little out of control right now, but you will always find each other. When all this is over, you’ll be together again. You are meant to be. I don’t want to be the one standing in the way.
“And I will always have your love as a friend and you will have mine. What more can I ask for? I’m happy being your friend. I don’t want anything more. Do you understand, Joey?”
He knew the battle would be a lost one. My heart was in Tristan’s hands, and there was nothing any of us could ever do to change that.
“Yeah, I do,” I said, resting my head on his shoulder.
He wrapped an arm around me. “I don’t know what I would do without you in my life.”
“Hey, you’re my best friend.” I nudged him in the ribs. “I would never leave you.”
“Never, huh?” he asked incredulously.
I cupped my hands around his jaw and made him turn to face me. “Harry Ledger, you listen to me now. I would never leave you, not even if you turn bald, fat, ugly … Not if the band breaks up and everybody goes their different ways. I wouldn’t leave if you screwed up, again and again. Even when you find an amazing girl that makes you truly happy, I still won’t leave you and I will never stop loving you. You are my best friend for ever. I swear to you, on my heart,” I said, staring steadily at him.
His eyes filled with tears and he buried his face in my neck, trying to hide it. “God, Joey! Could you please stop making me cry? It’s like you’re doing it on purpose! Soon I’ll be menstruating, growing boobs and reading chick lit, and I swear to God, if I’m Team Edward, I’m going to kill myself.”
I laughed out loud and rubbed his back, trying to comfort him. “Okay, Harry. I seriously doubt you could ever be Team Edward. You look more like Team Jacob to me.” We both laughed and joked for a while, the tension and heartache melting away with the ring of Harry’s happy laughter echoing in the room.
I left him soon afterwards and went to find some fresh clothes to change into.
“Oh. Dear. God.” I gasped in shock as I opened my bedroom door and looked inside.
On top of my bed was something that looked like it had once been a bouquet of lilies, but was now shredded into many, many, pieces, the flowers rotten and torn apart. I stared in horror. There was a black lacy ribbon on top of the mess, and a note, with the same handwriting as before. Someone had been inside the house.
Inside. My. Room.
I opened the note with shaky hands.
My cold-hearted Gray,
This is what you are doing to my heart,
Trampling and stomping all over it and tossing it away
To dry and rot inside my chest.
You tear me up and leave me in pieces.
Can’t you see what you’re doing to me?
Because I don’t know how much longer I can take this.
But I will make you see your wrong ways
So we can be together for ever.
Yours always,
Secret Admirer.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Slow Dancing
“Joey, calm down now!” Seth ordered, but I paid him no attention.
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Everybody was talking at the same time. I wasn’t listening. I was too mad. Someone had broken into my house. Into my room. I paced up and down the small space like a caged lion. Who could have gotten inside the house? Who had access? My mind couldn’t stop throwing out these questions.
You should rip their head off when you find them, the alien voice whispered in my head. No one should threaten you. Chains rattled inside. All you have to do is let it out, and this person will learn to never cross your path again.
“Joe?” Vigil’s hand brushed softly over my arm. “Calm yourself,” he warned me, eyeing the rattling window panes with worried eyes beneath furrowed brows.
“Yeah. Okay. I’m calming down. Don’t worry,” I said in a strained voice. “Who’s been in the house over the past couple days?”
“Uh … just us. Oh, and Becca. She was here yesterday.”
“Who else?” I asked, nervously scratching at the inside of my arms.
“No one else,” Seth replied.
The memory of Jamie popped into my head. Jamie had access to the house. All he had to do was slip into my room when the boys weren’t looking. “What about Jamie?”
“Oh, yeah. Jamie was here too. He wanted to drop off some edited footage of our last show.” Seth frowned. “Come on, guys, it’s only Jamie. He’s harmless!”
Hmm. Jamie with his blank stare. I never could tell what was really going on inside that boy’s head. Jamie’s mind was always a mystery … Could it be him doing all this, leaving me creepy flowers and notes?
I didn’t think I would ever look at lilies the same way again after today. They would always freak me out.
Great. This had totally ruined my favorite flowers for ever.
“Should we call the cops?” Harry asked, his body tensing as if ready for action.
“I’ve known Jamie since school; I can’t believe he’d do anything like this,” Josh protested with a frown.
“There was that loopy kid at the bookstore, too,” Sam reminded us.
I buried my head in my hands while the boys argued about the best course of action. We’d never had a crazy stalker before and had no clue how to proceed.
I couldn’t believe my bad luck. First an evil cat from another dimension; then the power switch; then the weird voices inside my head threatening to blow everything up all the frigging time; then Tristan leaving; and now a stalker. Seriously, I was really starting to lose it.
“Look, I called Tristan and told him about what happened. He’s coming over; we just need to wait for him to get here. He’ll know what to do.” Seth’s voice rose above everyone else’s.
“Wait, Seth, what did you just say?” I jumped up, startled.
“Huh … Tristan is coming over …?” Seth repeated hesitantly.
“Seth, NO! Why did you do that?” The only reason I hadn’t freaked out more about Tristan leaving in the first place was because I knew he would be safer away from here. But now he was coming back. The sun had already set and it was pitch black outside. It was too dangerous for him. “It’s not safe outside the house. Nick threatened to get one of you, and now Tristan is coming back,” I explained, agitated.
“I-I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking about Nick when I called …” Seth apologized. “I’ll go give Tristan a call, see if I can stop him from coming.”
“Come on, switch all the outdoor lights on. I’ll wait for him outside. You all stay in the house. As long as you stay inside, you’ll be safe,” I ordered and hurried outside.
I shifted my feet nervously on the doorstep, waiting for the one person I missed the most to arrive.
“Sorry, Joe, he’s not picking up,” Seth told me, following me outside.
“Don’t worry, he’ll be here soon,” Vigil said reassuringly.
“It’s getting late … why is he taking so long? Why isn’t he picking up our calls?”
All my mind had the capacity to do at that moment was focus on the driveway as I waited.
Tristan was in so much danger, increasingly more as the evening slowly advanced.
If he ever gets here, I’m going to kill him for making me worry this much, I thought to myself. God, why was he taking so long?
Then his car appeared down the street and parked in front of the house. He walked out as if he were taking a stroll in the park.
“Hey, guys. Why’s everybody outside?” he asked, frowning when I stormed over to him.
“Why? Why? What the hell is wrong with you? Why did you take so long to get here? It’s night already, can’t you see that? We were worried sick about you. You weren’t picking up your calls, either!” I yelled, slapping his arms non-stop. I was completely losing it.
“Ouch! Wait.” He flinched. “My battery’s dead and I came as fast as I could.”
Seth let out a big sigh of relief. “We were all really worried, man,” he told him, giving me another apologetic, weak smile as we walked back inside the house.
“Why everybody is freaking out so much about me?” Tristan asked.
“It’s dangerous to be outside after dark,” Celeste explained. “Nick made another appearance tonight, and threatened Joey, saying he was coming after you boys.”
“Oh … I didn’t know,” Tristan mumbled.
I hunched in my seat and just glared grumpily at him, sniffing loudly from time to time. Everybody settled back on the couch and Tristan kept his distance, probably waiting until I’d cooled down a little.
I still wanted to punch him for making me worry this much, but everybody else had moved on from it and eventually I let go of my anger, listening to their chatter. But I could still feel the tension in my body. I was worried that something bad was going to happen. But it wasn’t just the “Nick situation” that was making me rattled. I was also antsy about Tristan being in the same room as me. I couldn’t help but feel nervous every time he glanced my way. Sometimes our eyes would meet for a second, leaving me a mess of conflicting emotions and wanting to call off this break we’d started. I wanted him back with me. I faltered whenever he smiled at me, his silver eyes glinting.
I could feel the pent-up energy crackling inside, making me edgy, and with Vigil’s constant, ever-worried stare looming over me I was getting even more nervous. I tried to steady myself, taking deep, long breaths, and when that didn’t work, I went to splash some cold water on my face to calm my nerves.
When I walked out of the restroom, I noticed that the sliding glass door to the backyard was open. I immediately froze, terror filling me with each pump of my heart. Was someone outside?
I ran through the open doorway and looked frantically around, panic starting to rise. But there was no one out there. It must have been me who had left the doors open earlier, in my haste to get everyone back inside.
“Is everything all right?” Tristan asked, appearing at my side and looking curiously around the garden.
“Yeah, yeah. I was just being paranoid and checking to see if there was someone out here,” I muttered, embarrassed.
Tristan reached out and clicked the switch on the wall, turning on all the lights above us. “Don’t worry, everybody is safe inside,” he said calmly.
“I know but … I still worry,” I mumbled, shifting a little on the spot, even more nervous as he got closer to me. Each step he took in my direction made my heart speed up a little.
“Are you all right, Joe?” he said quietly as he stopped in front of me.
“Y-yeah. I’m fine.” If by fine you mean a fine nervous wreck.
“You sound … odd,” he said, choosing his words carefully. “Like you’re not yourself. I’m worried about you …”
“Don’t worry, I’m fine, Tristan.”
“Okay, if you say so.” He shifted his eyes from me to the ground. “I’ve spent the whole day today trying to think of a way to fix things between us. I couldn’t get you off my mind, not even for a second.”
I savored every moment of hearing his voice, feeling the ring it had in my soul.
There wa
s a long pause and we both just stood there in silence, listening to each other’s breathing.
“Have you … have you been thinking of me?” he whispered, his voice sounding a little choked up. “I really miss you, Joey.”
How could I tell him I missed him so much that it was hard to keep going? That it felt like I was having a drug withdrawal, that the mere mention of his name, or the fleeting memory of his face, made me feel sick with longing? This need for him gnawed deep into my guts, making it almost impossible to breathe …
“I miss you too, Tris. Every second of the day. I miss you even now,” I told him. It was the truth. He was constantly in my thoughts, too.
He took my hands in his and pulled me closer.
“I was so worried, before you arrived …” I said, staring down at our hands.
“You didn’t have to. I can handle ‘Nick’ just fine,” he said, slipping his fingers between mine and wrapping one arm around my waist. “Dance with me?” he asked, smiling, his eyes twinkling, close to tears, as we started to slow-dance in the silence.
Everywhere he touched left my skin burning. I had forgotten what his touch could do to me. It could obliterate all my senses. I smiled back, my eyes also filling up with emotions – too many to count.
I leaned my head against his chest and closed my eyes, breathing him in and listening to the strong beat of his heart. It was thumping fast, just like my own. His scent enveloped me, drowning any feeble thoughts of being apart from him. There was nowhere else in the world that I wanted to be right now other than here, in his arms.
“I love you,” he whispered, making goosebumps rise on my skin. I shivered at the nearness of him, the blasting heat emanating from his body, the jolts of electricity that his raspy voice fired within me.
I wanted to tell him I loved him too, but I was tongue-tied. I held on to him tighter, for fear of crumbling down if he let go of me. I wished we could keep dancing like this for ever, all our problems forgotten, all worries and concerns lost while he held me in his arms.