“Emerald—oh never mind.” He suddenly slumped. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me,” I said softly. “Talk to me like a human being for once and maybe I’d surprise you. Surprise me, Roy. Be a man instead of a spoiled brat who throws a temper tantrum when he can’t get his own way.”
And to my shock, he took me up on the dare. He slid down to the floor, hands clasped between his knees as he stared at the floor. “What can I say? What do you want me to say? You want me to be happy for you? Well, I am. So there. All better now?”
I decided to take a chance and sat on the floor next to him. “No, not all better. Yes, I want you to be happy for me, just like I’d like to think you’re moving on with your life and not holding the kids’ feelings hostage. Why are you so mad at me? I’m not the one who—”
“Who cheated. I know—you never let me forget. Will I ever be forgiven for that slip?”
I stared at him, aghast. “Slip? You call it a slip? Roy, think for a moment. Put yourself in my place. Your slip ended our marriage and you traumatized Randa. Why the hell did you decide to fuck Tyra in our daughter’s bed? I’ve never understood. The day I burned that bed on the front lawn, along with your suits and everything else I could find of yours, I burned up any chance of forgiving you. You don’t deserve it.”
Roy blinked—one long, slow blink that drew me in. A whirl of sorrow, a vortex of tangled feelings slid over me and I realized that he would never have an answer. That he didn’t even know why he’d done what he did.
“You have no idea why, do you?” I asked.
He slowly shook his head. “No, I’ve never been able to figure out why I acted like such an idiot. You think I wanted to hurt you? To hurt Randa? I didn’t.” A pause. “Maybe I did, but I don’t know why. There’s something you don’t know about that time. I never told you because I knew you’d use it in court.”
My stomach lurched. Had he hurt one of our children? Surely he wouldn’t admit it to me now if he had. “What? What were you doing?”
“At that time . . .” He paused, and for the first time since I’d known him, I saw fear on his face. “Emerald, I was strung out. I was hooked on cocaine. That’s where the money was going that you thought I spent on Tyra.” He wouldn’t—or couldn’t—look me in the eye.
I turned away, staring at the bed, at the dresser, at anything but him. So, that’s what had been going on. “And when you hit me that night? The last time?”
“Higher than a kite. I never said I was sorry. I know it won’t do any good, but I want to say it now. I’m sorry, Emerald. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I hurt the kids. I know I can’t ever make up for it.”
He caught my gaze and held it. I blinked and looked away, a flurry of confusion raced through me. I’d spent so many years hating him, hating what he’d done to us, that I didn’t know how to handle his confession, nor his apology.
“Roy, I don’t know what to say,” I stammered out.
“I didn’t expect you to say much of anything, actually. In fact, I thought you’d laugh in my face.” He bit his lip and I saw a few drops of blood dribble down the corner of his mouth.
“Are you clean now? You know I can’t let you see the kids if you’re still using.” I focused on practicalities, trying to navigate the mine-filled territory into which I’d just been thrust.
He rubbed his chin, a stubble of growth caught my notice. “Yeah, I’ve been going to NA for two years, though I still have a hard time with alcohol when I get upset. I backslide a lot with booze. Tyra said she would leave me unless I joined NA, so I gave it a shot.”
And then it dawned on me—why we were having this conversation. Why he was here. “You’re going through the steps aren’t you? You came here to apologize?”
He shrugged. “Maybe. I don’t know. All I know is that when Kip told me you were getting married again, that you were marrying a man ten years younger than you and that you were happy . . . something cracked. After Tyra left, all I could think about was how bad I blew it. Both times.” He hesitantly held out his hand. “I don’t know what happened. But I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of being enemies. I’m tired of blaming you for my own screwups.”
It was what I’d waited years to hear, what I’d hoped for. So, why did I feel so cold? So aloof and alienated? I stared at his hand, at the fingers that had once caressed me, then bruised and blackened my skin. And I knew deep in my core that I’d never be able to believe Roy about anything. He’d broken my trust so painfully that I couldn’t take the chance.
I swallowed the lump that had risen in my throat. “I don’t want to fight, either. The kids need you in their lives, and I want them to find this part of you—the part of you that won’t rag on Kip and deride Randa. Do you understand? They’re the ones you need to focus on. Not the broken remains of our marriage.”
Roy dropped his hand. For a second, I saw a look I knew only too well flash in his eyes and then he let out a rough laugh. “I should be grateful you’re even still speaking to me. Okay, I’ll try to be a better father to the kids, and I promise I won’t turn them against this guy you’re marrying.” He gave me a long once-over. “Joe’s a lucky man. I know I’ve said a lot of rotten things to you, but you’ve still got it going on.”
I didn’t want Roy looking at me that way ever again. “Joe loves me, and he loves the kids. So, you’d better not do anything to destroy the rapport they’ve built up. But you’ll always be their father, Roy, and even though I’ve wished you’d burn in hell, I’ve never done anything to make them hate you.”
I unfolded my legs and pushed myself to my feet. After dusting off my jeans, I added, “However, and you had better listen to me—if Kip or Miranda ever come back from a visit and tell me you were drunk, or acting weird, that’s it. I’ll take you to court for full custody. Got it?”
He stood up and stretched. “Got it.”
As I headed for the door, I stopped and turned. “Answer me one thing, Roy. And look me in the eye when you speak.”
He tilted his head, waiting.
“Did you try to shoot Joe? And did you ransack Murray’s house?”
Without missing a beat, he shook his head. “No, I don’t even own a gun. I’m bad, but not that bad and you know it. And as for Murray—no, not interested in anything to do with her.”
I knew he meant it. I opened the door, pausing. “Roy,” I said, not looking at him. “Thank you for apologizing.”
His voice echoed over my shoulder. “Yeah, well, I guess it was time.” As I left, I wondered just how long it was going to be before he was back to his old antics. But for a moment at least, I’d seen a glimmer of the old Roy and hoped with all my heart that he’d be able to retain a hold on the man who had at one time made me the happiest girl in the world.
ON MY WAY home, I stopped at the station to talk to Murray. Chiqetaw’s police department was small, but this wasn’t Mayberry, and Tad Bonner didn’t allow any Barney Fifes on the force. Oh, some of the guys were pretty stuffy, but for the most part, the cops in Chiqetaw deserved the respect they commanded.
A clerk I didn’t recognize sat behind the counter. I smiled at her and gave her my name. “You new here?”
She nodded. “My name’s Tansy. Detective Murray will see you now. You know the way?”
I nodded and headed back to Mur’s office. She was sitting behind a large stainless-steel desk, staring at the pile of folders in front of her. They looked in danger of toppling over and burying her. Had Chiqetaw been besieged by a crime wave in the past few days?
“Good God, what is this? Cops Gone Wild?”
She set down her pen and closed the file she was perusing. “You’d think so, huh? Maybe I should flash my boobs and they’ll go away?”
I slid into the chair across from her desk and let out a little snort. “Just make sure there aren’t any hidden cameras in your office. What’s all this?”
“We’re going through some cold cases, seeing if there’s anything that’s b
egging to be reexamined.”
“I see you have a new clerk out front.”
Mur nodded, frowning. “We finally hired someone to replace Rusty—remember that creep?” The last clerk had tried to sabotage Murray’s job when she didn’t respond to him the way he thought she should have.
A lightbulb popped on in my head. “Mur, you don’t think he could be your stalker, do you? He had a thing for you, if I remember.”
“No,” she said, moving a stack of files to the other side of her desk. “At least, I doubt it. From what I heard through the grapevine, he moved to Seattle. And I haven’t heard a word from him since he left his job. Good idea, though, but I think it’s probably somebody I busted, trying to get back at me. Now, why are you here? I know it’s not for the ambiance. What’s up?”
I told her about my morning with Roy. “I had no idea he was addicted to cocaine when we were together. No wonder he had such erratic mood swings. Now I’m a little afraid to let him near the kids. I know he says he’s quit, but he’s obviously still boozing it up. What do you think I should do?”
Murray frowned. “Em, I hate to tell you, but chances are he’s not going to stay clean until he gets clean all the way. I’d insist on supervised visitations. He may hate you for it, but you owe it to the kids. Tell him you want to be there when he’s got them, or you’ll go to court to demand he be supervised.”
I groaned. “But I don’t want to be there. I don’t want to be anywhere around him. Honestly, it was almost creepier with him apologizing than when he yells.” I sighed. “But you’re right. I’ll talk to him after the wedding. Maybe, if he’s sincere about changing, he’ll understand.”
“And if not, you’ll know you’d better get the law on your side. Coke, huh? That’s an expensive trip.”
“No wonder we were short every month. At first I thought he might have a gambling problem, but after I found out about Tyra, I thought it was all going to her. Anyway, I no longer believe Roy had anything to do with shooting Joe. That much I’m sure of.” And, when I searched the depths of my heart, I knew it was true. For all of his faults, he wasn’t a murderer.
Mur shrugged. “I might as well tell him he can leave. There’s no evidence pointing to him other than the fight, and that’s certainly not enough to take someone to court on.” She held up one finger before I could respond and punched a button on her phone. “Deacon, head over to Roy O’Brien’s room at the hotel, tell him he can go home. Strongly suggest that it would be best if he did so today.” She grinned at me and I snickered.
“So, any leads on who trashed your place? White Deer have anything to say about it?”
Murray’s smile disappeared. “No and yes. And worse. To say that White Deer was upset is an understatement. She refuses to stay at my house until I do a thorough cleansing. Em, she did a little scrying and she got sick afterward. Sick as in throwing-up sick. Said she felt like she’d just eaten snails. Whatever energy this perv is running has an oily feel to it. I tossed every stitch of underwear I had and tomorrow we’re going shopping in Bellingham for new clothes.”
White Deer knew her way around a crystal ball, that was for sure. “Sounds like she’s picking up on the same thing I was. If it’s strong enough to make her lose her lunch, then you’d better pay attention. I don’t like it.” I tossed a few thoughts around. “Have you warded your place lately?” I thought of Nanna’s trunk at home. “I could come over and help you later on today.”
Mur contemplated the offer. “Thanks. Normally I’d say no, considering how frantic you must be with wedding plans, but my aunt scared the hell out of me. She’s gone out to Miner’s Lake to gather some willow branches from the shore. I think she’s planning on making me some sort of protection charm.”
“Willow’s good. And we can plunder the oak in my backyard. So, you said no, yes, and worse. What’s the ‘worse’? Or do I want to know?” Ten to one she was under-exaggerating.
She reached in her desk and pulled out a sheet of paper, pushing it across the desk to me. I unfolded it, glancing at the writing. Printed in big bold letters, obviously via computer or typewriter, were the words I’M WAITING FOR YOU. As I held the paper, a spark raced through my fingers and I dropped it on the floor, my fingers tingling. I tried to wipe the feeling off on my pants.
“Shit!” I said as she reached down to pick it up. “The damned thing shocked me! Where’d you get this?”
“I found it in my in-box this morning. No return address, but it was mailed from the post office, looks like. I had the boys run it through dusting, but no prints. I’m scared, Em. First my house, then the ring, now this? I think I’ve got a stalker.” She stared at her hands helplessly.
“I think you’re right. Did you tell Deacon about the ring?”
“I told my boss. Tad’s going to have all my mail that’s delivered here at the office diverted to fingerprinting, before I even get hold of it. I’ve given him permission.” She tried to sound nonchalant, but I could tell she was freaked out. The nervousness was rippling off her like honey down a bee-tree.
“Good, but you need to think further than that. Remember what you told me when I got the security system for my house? That I had to think of the kids? Well, what about your animals? And Jimbo? Mur, you need to have an alarm installed at home, like I’ve got. I hated it at first, but now it gives me peace of mind. And I wasn’t worried about someone stalking me, just stealing my stuff.”
The brief thought of “why all of this right before my wedding” raced through my mind, but I booted it out the door. Murray was my best friend, and if she needed me, I’d be there, wedding or not.
“I’ll call Marvin Eyrland after we finish talking and then I’ll call the home security company,” she said and I knew that she was spooked. She wouldn’t have given in so easily otherwise.
“Did you tell Jimbo about the ring and this note yet?”
She shook her head. “No, and he’s going to hit the roof. I think I’ll wait, though, if you’re coming over today. I’m beat and the last thing I need is to get into it with him tonight. He won’t let this rest, not if he thinks I’m in danger. Providing I call the security company before I tell him about the letter and the ring and card, then he can’t say I’m not doing anything about it.”
“Yeah, I guess.” I had the burning desire to grab the phone and spill everything to Jimbo. I wanted him to protect her, and he couldn’t do that if he remained blissfully ignorant. At least he’d be staying in town for a while. There would be somebody with her at night. I glanced at the clock on the wall. Almost four-thirty. “I’d better get on home and see how Joe’s doing. I’ll be over at your place around eight. That okay?”
“That’s great. Jimmy has a meeting out at the enclave until nine.” She waved as I headed out the door.
As I swept my hair back, my fingers brushed against my bare neck. Shoot—I meant to put on the crystal necklace Rose had bought me. Oh hell! At the thought of my sister, I suddenly remembered that my family was coming over to dinner. Now what? No way would I go back on my promise to Murray. She needed me. I sighed. Well, they’d just have to settle for takeout. We’d eat early and then Joe could entertain them while I was out. Not for the first time, I wished that we’d eloped. Sometimes, the whole damned process of getting married seemed more trouble than it was worth.
Six
AS I STARTED to fasten my necklace before dinner, my fingers began to tingle. I paused as once again a wave of dizziness threatened to sweep over me. Could I be pregnant? We’d been so careful. More children just weren’t in the equation right now, if ever. But if not that, then what was throwing me off balance? I didn’t feel sick.
I turned the necklace over in my hand, trying to sense anything that might be coming off of it. There it was. An energy hovering just below the shining and brilliantly faceted crystals. I tried to zero in on its nature but whatever it was darted like fish in a mountain stream. The moment I caught a glimpse of the energy, it disappeared again.
If
there was truly danger around, surely I’d know. Or would I? The past couple of weeks had left me scattered and frantic. Unsure of what to do, I dropped the necklace into a velvet bag and put it in my purse. Maybe Murray or White Deer would have an idea.
A glance at the clock told me that my family should be here any minute. Resigned to a strained meal fending off Grandma M.’s nosy questions and my sister’s worry, I swept my hair into place and headed downstairs.
AFTER SPENDING A stressful hour trying to reassure everybody that Joe and I were fine and that we didn’t need to move back to Seattle, I left for Murray’s house, over a multitude of protests. I felt bad for putting Joe in this situation, but inwardly, couldn’t resist a sigh of relief. As much as I loved my family, a few days of being around them—especially Grandma M.—was almost more than I could bear. Now, if it had been Nanna, I would have invited her to move in.
I turned onto Sunrise Avenue and pulled into Murray’s driveway. She waved at me from the porch as I dashed up the steps. “Hey, Em, you bring your magic bag of tricks?”
Holding up the travel bag in which I kept a few choice items like sage smudge sticks, Florida water, a couple of quartz crystals, and other assorted goodies, I nodded. “Right here. I left Joe in charge of my family, by the way. I can’t stay too long. He’s too sweet to leave because of the machinations of Grandma M.”
White Deer was waiting for us in the living room. A striking woman, she was more beautiful every time I saw her. Not cover-model beauty, but the same regalness that I saw blossoming in Murray as she came into her own. White Deer was dressed in a pair of dark jeans and a plain black tank top, and her salt-and-pepper hair was held back in a single braid that touched her butt, but she might as well have been wearing a purple cloak and crown, for the strength that radiated out from her.
The scattered mess of clutter and debris had been cleared away, although gaping spaces on all of the shelves stood as a silent reminder that somebody had plundered Murray’s home. The sofa had been carted away, as well as several other pieces of furniture. She’d managed to get Eyrland out on an emergency call—the glass covering the snake cages against the wall had already been replaced, and the wooden frames surrounding it looked all but untouched from their original state.