Then he realised what the problem was. The snails probably weren’t cooked enough. Mum and Dad liked their chops and fish fingers very well done.
‘You’ll like this tripe sausage,’ said Thomas, holding out another plate. ‘It’s cooked a lot. They have to because of the germs.’
He could have kicked himself. Why had he said that?
Mum and Dad nibbled a slice each.
‘Mmmm,’ said Mum, struggling to sound happy.
‘Mmmm,’ said Dad, struggling even harder.
Thomas’s nipples were going off like fire alarms.
‘Try the cheese,’ said Holly.
Thomas hastily unwrapped the small round cheese that the man in the deli had promised was another of the most popular delicacies in France. The smell was a bit of a worry, but Thomas had consulted his nipples in the shop and they’d said the deli man was telling the truth.
‘It’s goats’ cheese,’ said Holly.
‘Yuk,’ said Kevin.
Now the wrapper was off, Thomas saw why Kevin was looking disgusted and why Mum and Dad were too.
The small disc of cheese was covered with white and grey furry stuff.
Mould.
Thomas felt his own internal organs go sausage-shaped.
It wasn’t working. The picnic wasn’t working. And his head was almost exploding.
‘This is a lovely thought, love,’ Mum was saying as she peered nervously at the duck-fat sandwich-spread and the blood sausage and the pigs’ feet in jelly. ‘But I must still be a bit jetlagged because I don’t actually feel very hungry.’
‘Me neither,’ said Dad. ‘I had steak and eggs for breakfast.’
‘No you didn’t,’ said Kevin. ‘You had muesli with the rest of us.’
‘I had it in my room,’ said Dad. ‘Before I came down to breakfast. That’s why you didn’t see me eating it.’
A big drop of wind-blown water smacked onto Thomas’s head and dribbled down the front of his shirt onto his nipples. It wasn’t enough to stop them going triple feather duster, but it helped remind Thomas what he had to do.
He took a deep breath.
His head was roaring inside and he was feeling weaker and dizzier by the second.
He felt Holly’s hand on his, squeezing, giving him strength.
‘Do you know what I’d really like to do?’ said Mum suddenly. ‘We’ve been in Paris nearly a whole day and we haven’t given a thought to Kevin’s nan. We should do something in her memory. Why don’t we buy some flowers and have a little memorial ceremony? We could do it down by the river.’
‘Good idea,’ said Dad.
Mum and Dad stood up.
Thomas stared at them in panic.
He had to make them stay, to hear what he had to tell them, but his head was throbbing so much he wasn’t sure if he could even stand up.
‘What do you think, Kevin?’ said Mum.
Thomas stared at Kevin, silently pleading with him to say he hated the idea. He could see Holly was doing the same.
Kevin looked at Thomas for a moment, then stood up.
‘That’s a really nice idea,’ he said to Mum and Dad. ‘But my nan’s not dead. She lives in Grafton.’
Thomas didn’t need his nipples to know that Kevin was telling the truth.
Mum and Dad stared at Kevin, stunned.
‘You lied?’ said Dad.
Kevin nodded.
‘But why…?’ said Mum.
‘He did it for me,’ said Thomas.
Mum and Dad were looking at him now.
Thomas struggled to stay sitting upright.
‘I was the one who needed to come to Paris,’ said Thomas. ‘Because the lies in our family are making me ill.’
‘Ill?’ said Mum, alarmed.
‘Lies?’ said Dad, looking alarmed too and also nervous. ‘What lies.’
Thomas thought about Holly and Kevin and how much they’d helped him since he’d told them about his nipples. It could be the same for Mum and Dad. They could help each other with their secrets.
‘Your job,’ said Thomas to Dad.
Dad opened his mouth.
‘The job you’ve been pretending you’ve still got,’ said Thomas, before Dad could tell another lie.
Mum looked at Dad, horrified.
‘You’ve lost your job?’ she said.
‘Oh Jeez,’ said Dad.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ said Mum.
Dad didn’t say anything, but Thomas could see the energy seeping out of Dad’s face until it looked like a blood sausage without the blood.
‘And Mum,’ said Thomas. ‘Why didn’t you tell Dad the beauty salon’s going broke?’
Dad’s eyes went wide.
‘Going broke?’ he said. ‘We put our life savings into that business.’
Mum turned away. Her shoulders slowly sagged until she looked like a snail without its shell.
‘The salon’s not going broke,’ she said quietly.
‘It’s… it’s already gone broke. I closed it down last week.’
Thomas saw the misery on Mum’s face and the fear and panic on Dad’s.
Oh no, he thought. What have I done?
He knew the answer. There was no point lying to himself. He hadn’t made things better, he’d made them worse.
The noise in his head was like a plane crashing. Above him the huge tower seemed to be wobbling and twisting like it was made of jelly snakes.
He saw Mum and Dad and Holly and Kevin all looking at him. Their faces were wobbling and twisting as well, with alarm.
Thomas struggled to speak. He had to explain to Mum and Dad. He had to tell them what he should have told them ages ago.
‘I’ve been lying too,’ he tried to say.
He tried to get Vera Poulet’s cardboard folder from the picnic basket, but he couldn’t reach it.
The sky was going dark.
People were saying his name but he couldn’t see them any more.
The tower came crashing down onto him and he felt himself dying young.
20
Thomas opened his eyes.
For a moment he couldn’t remember where he was.
Then he did.
‘Bonjour.’
Arlette the nurse was standing by his bed grinning.
‘Welcome to another day in the oldest hospital of Paris,’ she said. ‘In 1813, some of Napoleon’s troops have been treated here for battle wands.’
‘Wounds,’ said Thomas. ‘Battle wounds.’
Arlette grinned again.
‘Wounds,’ she said. ‘Bien. Thank you.’
‘In Australia,’ said Thomas, ‘we treat our battle wounds with jam.’
Arlette frowned.
‘Jam,’ she said slowly.
Thomas gave her a thumbs up.
‘Thank you,’ said Arlette with another grin.
‘Thank you,’ said Thomas as she bustled out of the room.
Fantastic.
Only a tiny twinge from his chest.
I’m so lucky to have a nurse like Arlette, thought Thomas. I bet not many nurses would let a patient tell them lies just so they can test their English and the patient can test his nipples.
Thomas sipped his breakfast orange juice and wondered if any other doubters had ever been in this hospital. And whether, when their sickness got on top of them, they’d ever fainted and thought they were dying but woke up here instead, almost cured.
‘G’day.’
Thomas looked up and grinned.
‘How’s it going?’ said Holly, sitting on the edge of his bed and handing him a bunch of grapes.
‘You look cured,’ said Kevin, tossing him a bag of jelly snakes.
‘I am,’ said Thomas. ‘Almost.’
Holly and Kevin glanced at each other, then both looked closely at Thomas.
‘Chickens don’t lay eggs,’ said Kevin. ‘They lay sausages.’
The three of them waited.
Thomas concentrated on his nipples.
‘Just a tiny
tickle in the left one,’ he said. ‘Hardly anything in the right one.’
‘Brilliant,’ said Holly.
‘Test me again,’ said Thomas. ‘A harder test.’
Holly thought for a moment.
‘Kevin’s brought a teddy bear with him on this trip,’ she said.
‘Hey,’ protested Kevin. ‘We said we wouldn’t use that one.’
Thomas concentrated.
‘Same as before,’ he said after a while. ‘Just tiny tickles.’
‘Brilliant,’ said Holly.
‘That’s because it’s not a bear,’ said Kevin. ‘It’s a rabbit.’
Thomas gave Holly and Kevin a grateful smile. At this rate, by tomorrow he’d be completely cured.
He opened the jelly snakes to celebrate.
‘G’day, love.’
Mum and Dad came into the room.
They both kissed Thomas. He hugged them back.
‘Good news,’ said Mum. ‘The doctors say you can leave hospital today.’
‘All your medical tests are clear,’ said Dad. ‘Your immune system’s taken a bit of a bashing, but the doctors reckon it’s already starting to fix itself.’
‘We showed them the stuff from Vera Poulet,’ said Mum. ‘But they didn’t really take it very seriously.’
‘Immuno-epidemiologists,’ said Kevin. ‘What would they know?’
‘The important thing,’ said Dad to Thomas, ‘is that you’re on the mend. Whatever the virus or infection was that was making your thinking go a bit wonky, the doctors reckon you’ve given it the flick.’
Thomas didn’t say anything.
It was a lot for Mum and Dad to get used to, this whole doubter thing. They were still digesting Nan’s great-uncle Aaron and his itchy teeth.
Give them time.
‘That’s really good news about the tests, Mr and Mrs Gulliver,’ Holly was saying.
She turned to Thomas and gave him the best smile he’d ever seen. Even her hair looked delighted.
Mum and Dad pulled up a couple of chairs and sat down close to the bed.
‘Love,’ said Mum to Thomas. ‘Now you’re better, there’s something me and Dad want to say to you.’
For a fleeting moment, Thomas wondered if they were going to tell him off for not letting them know earlier about his lie-detector nipples.
‘We’ve had a long talk,’ said Mum, ‘and we want to thank you.’
‘You did a wonderful thing,’ said Dad. ‘Clearing the air like that. Bringing everything out in the open. Thank you son. We’re proud of you.’
Thomas was feeling a bit dizzy again, but in a good way.
‘You’ve taught us a really important lesson, Thomas,’ said Mum. ‘People in families should tell each other the truth. Right, Brian?’
Dad nodded.
‘What about people in beauty salons?’ said Kevin. ‘Should they tell each other the truth too?’
Even though he was a bit light-headed, Thomas felt a strong urge to stuff a hospital mattress into Kevin’s mouth.
But Mum just laughed.
‘You’re right, Kevin,’ she said. ‘People in beauty salons should tell the truth too. And if I ever have another one, I will only ever tell the truth there. In fact let’s all agree that from now on, we’re all going to tell the truth.’
They all shook hands.
Thomas flopped back onto his pillows, grinning happily.
‘Oh,’ said Mum. ‘There is one other thing. We’ve had a call from the TV company in London that makes the English version of Liar Liar. They want to send somebody over to Paris to do a bit of publicity with us all. But we said only if you feel up to it, Thomas.’
‘No problem,’ said Thomas. ‘Sounds like fun.’
Then he saw that Holly was looking uncertain.
He was about to ask her why, when Dad leaned forward.
‘Champ,’ he said quietly. ‘Best not say anything to the English TV people about your nipples. If they believe all that doubter stuff, they might think you cheated when you were on the show and tell the producers back home.’
Thomas stared at Dad, a horrible feeling curdling inside him.
‘It’s not lying,’ said Mum. ‘It’s just not saying anything.’
Thomas felt dizzy.
Not in a good way.
But the worst thing wasn’t the dizziness or the sick feeling inside him, it was that his nipples felt like they were being attacked by large mosquitoes with very tickly leg hairs.
21
The hotel bed was even more comfortable than the hospital one, but Thomas couldn’t relax.
He knew it wasn’t the mattress.
It was the really difficult choice he had to make.
Jail or death.
Either confess to the English TV people in the morning and get dragged off to a juvenile correction facility, or keep quiet and wait for the sickness to kill him.
‘There’s only one way I’ll get cured,’ said Thomas turning to Holly and Kevin. ‘Vera Poulet said the lies have to stop. All of them. That means I have to confess.’
‘No,’ said Holly. ‘There’s got to be another way.’ She sat up in her bed and clicked her lamp on. ‘Maybe you’ll be cured if you just pay the money back.’
Thomas smiled sadly.
‘Remember what the Liar Liar compere announced when I won the big prize?’ he said. ‘About this trip being worth fifty thousand dollars. Where am I going to get fifty thousand dollars?’
He could see from Holly’s face that if she had it, she’d give it to him.
‘I know where you can get fifty thousand dollars,’ said Kevin, sitting up in his bed. ‘Listen to this.’
He grabbed one of Vera Poulet’s photocopied research pages.
‘It says here that in 1592 a Dutch girl saved her country with her eyebrows. The king of Belgium said he wasn’t going to invade but when the girl’s eyebrows went twitchy she knew he was lying and warned everyone.’
‘Your point being?’ said Holly.
‘I’ve been thinking,’ said Kevin. ‘Maybe Thomas should be using his powers a bit more while he’s still got them. Warn a few countries about invasions and stuff. They’d probably pay us big bucks. Fifty thousand at least.’
Holly sighed.
‘It was just an idea,’ said Kevin.
Thomas sighed too.
‘No,’ he said. ‘I’ve got to confess.’
‘You can’t,’ said Holly. ‘The TV people will make an example of you. They’ll have to. There are versions of Liar Liar produced in fourteen different countries. All those producers will want you punished really badly to make their shows look honest. You can’t tell the TV people the truth.’
Thomas couldn’t help smiling.
Look who was saying this. Holly Maxwell, the person who told Miss Pearson the truth about the project she’d forgotten to set. The person who told the ladies in the salon the truth about her back pimples.
‘It not just you who’ll get into trouble,’ said Holly. ‘Your mum and dad could be arrested too.’
‘I’ll sign a legal document,’ said Thomas. ‘I’ll swear they had nothing to do with it.’
Holly slumped back onto her bed.
Then she sat up again.
‘Maybe it doesn’t have to be every single lie,’ she said. ‘Maybe if you confess all your other lies, you can get away with this one.’
Thomas frowned.
‘What other lies?’ he said.
He couldn’t think of any.
Holly flicked her eyes towards Kevin, who was still reading.
‘Parents,’ she mouthed.
Thomas stared at her. Then he realised what she meant. She was talking about the time Kevin’s mum forgot Kevin’s version of Stairway To Heaven and then lied about being as proud of Kevin as all their other kids. Thomas and Holly had talked about it afterwards and decided not to say anything to Kevin.
That was a sort of lie.
Thomas didn’t want to say anything now.
&
nbsp; He wanted to get cured, but not if it was going to make a friend feel really bad.
‘My parents?’ said Kevin, sitting up. ‘What about my parents?’
‘Nothing,’ said Thomas.
He flinched as his nipples went itchy.
‘Oh, you mean the phone call,’ said Kevin.
‘What phone call?’ said Thomas.
‘I was going to tell you,’ said Kevin. ‘While you were in hospital my mum and dad rang me from Australia, even though it was the middle of the night there, because they were missing me so much.’
Thomas waited for his nipples to go itchy again.
He hoped they wouldn’t.
They didn’t.
‘It was great,’ said Kevin. ‘They didn’t care how much it cost. We talked for more than an hour.’
Thomas’s nipples stayed itch-free.
He smiled.
‘That must have been really good,’ he said to Kevin.
‘Yeah,’ said Kevin. ‘Next trip I probably won’t need a teddy. I mean rabbit.’
Thomas saw that Holly was smiling too. Then her eyes went sad and concerned. Her hair looked sad and concerned too.
‘So you’re going to do it?’ she said quietly to Thomas. ‘Confess to the TV people?’
Thomas nodded and flopped back onto his pillow.
‘It’s really late,’ he said. ‘We’d better go to sleep.’
But he couldn’t, not for a long time. He lay staring into the darkness, listening to Holly softly breathing and Kevin snuffling.
He felt scared, but he knew now that only the truth could save him.
The lies in his family were all out in the open, and all forgiven.
All except one.
22
Gerard the English TV publicity executive was very enthusiastic.
‘Magnifique,’ he kept saying.
He said it a lot during the happy-family pillow fight in Mum and Dad’s hotel room. Six times he got them to have the pillow fight so the camera crew could film the excitement from different angles and show the world what a fun prize a Liar Liar trip was.
‘Magnifique,’ he shouted, even when Dad got carried away and knocked Kevin off the bed and into a suitcase.
Thomas didn’t think it was very magnifique. Each time he plucked up the courage and was about to confess to being a liar and a cheat and a criminal, he got whacked round the head with a pillow.