Thomas and Holly looked at each other.
‘When criminals capture you,’ Kevin went on, ‘this is what they do to you. Make you stand like this for hours till all the blood runs into your feet and your ankles swell and you confess everything. They got the idea from the war on terror.’
Thomas couldn’t resist glancing at Kevin’s ankles.
They looked as skinny as ever.
‘Have you come to say sorry?’ said Kevin. ‘For lying to me. You sucked me in big time with all that lie-detector nipple stuff. But it’s OK, I forgive you.’
Thomas looked at Holly again.
This was going to be the tricky bit.
‘I am sorry I lied to you,’ Thomas said to Kevin.
‘But, um, the nipple stuff is true.’
‘It is,’ said Holly. ‘Thomas is one of a small group of kids throughout history with lie-detector body parts and we’re trying to urgently contact a woman in Paris who can save him from dying soon.’
Kevin slowly pulled the bag off his head.
He stood blinking at Thomas and Holly in angry disbelief.
‘Rocco Fusilli put you up to this, didn’t he?’ said Kevin. ‘Are you recording this? Well you’re in big trouble if you are because recording people for the purposes of bullying is against the law. If I tell my mum and dad about this they’ll have both of you watched by satellites.’
Thomas felt his nipples go itchy.
He also felt awful.
‘Calm down, Kevin,’ said Holly. ‘We’re not here to bully you.’
‘We’re not,’ said Thomas.
‘You mean it’s all true?’ said Kevin. ‘You dying and everything?’
‘We need your dad’s help,’ said Thomas. ‘To contact the woman in Paris. We only know she works in a pet-grooming parlour and we thought your dad could help, what with him being involved with law enforcement and stuff.’
Kevin stared at them.
He started fiddling nervously with the green supermarket bag and then seemed to spot something on the garage floor that needed him to stare down at it for a long time.
A horrible feeling started to curdle again in Thomas’s guts.
‘Kevin,’ said Thomas. ‘Your dad is involved with law enforcement?’
‘Sort of,’ said Kevin in a small voice.
Thomas felt his nipples go triple mozzie bite. He also felt his future go bleak. He looked at Holly and saw she was already realising the awful truth.
‘Kevin,’ said Holly. ‘What does your father do?’
Kevin slumped onto an old lounge, not looking at Thomas or Holly.
‘Car park manager,’ said Kevin. ‘But he enforces lots of laws. People who park across two parking bays can be prosecuted big time. And there was a blue Toyota on level three last year that was reversing way over the speed limit.’
Holly gave a sigh.
‘Sorry we wasted your time, Kevin,’ she said.
‘Bye, Kevin,’ said Thomas.
He felt sorry for Kevin. But he couldn’t think of anything else to say. Not when he had so much maths to do. Trying to work out how many months he might have left to live.
‘Wait,’ said Kevin, jumping up.
Thomas and Holly stopped by the door.
‘This woman in France,’ said Kevin. ‘The one who can save your life. Why don’t you go to Paris and find the pet-grooming parlour and see her in person?’
‘Brilliant,’ said Holly.
Thomas could feel Holly bristling. He’d never actually seen her do anything violent, but suddenly he had the feeling she could.
‘Kevin,’ said Thomas. ‘I’ve got about eleven dollars. And my parents have got even bigger financial problems. How can I get to Paris?’
‘Your nipples will take you there,’ said Kevin.
Thomas saw that Kevin’s eyes were shining with excitement. A bit like they had, Thomas remembered, when Kevin had first seen his nipples in action.
‘How?’ said Thomas.
Despite himself, he felt a small bubble of hope rising inside him.
‘I know exactly how,’ said Kevin, coming over and putting one arm round Thomas and one round Holly. ‘Trust me.’
13
Thomas had never auditioned for a TV show before, and it was a bit scary.
For a start, the crowd was huge.
Thomas peered anxiously around the vast hotel ballroom.
‘Relax,’ whispered Kevin, massaging Thomas’s shoulders. ‘Just think of the prize. Not the car, the other one, the overseas trip.’
Thomas tried to relax, but it wasn’t easy. A couple of nights ago when he watched Liar Liar with Kevin there were three contestants. He hadn’t dreamed there’d be this many people wanting to get on the show.
And they were all adults.
Thomas glanced at Holly. She wasn’t looking relaxed either.
‘Are you sure you want to do this?’ she said to Thomas. ‘I can ask my parents to lend you the money to get to Paris. They might not, but I can ask.’
‘Thanks,’ said Thomas. ‘But it’s too risky. What if they tell my parents?’
Holly chewed her lip and nodded and Thomas could see she understood.
‘Attention everybody.’
A TV producer with a leather jacket and a clipboard walked onto the stage.
The ballroom started to go quiet.
Thomas knew this was the moment.
‘Good luck,’ Kevin whispered loudly to him. ‘Remember, you’ve got the nipples.’
Several people standing nearby gave Thomas strange looks. Thomas pretended not to notice. He plunged forward towards the stage.
‘Sorry,’ he said as he squeezed and wriggled between the groups of people. ‘I’m looking for my parents.’
Lying was surprisingly easy once you put your mind to it. Once you had a really important reason for doing it. Once it was your only choice.
Thomas wished his nipples felt that way.
He got to the front of the crowd just as the TV producer was starting his speech.
‘Welcome to Liar Liar,’ said the producer. ‘Wonderful to see so many of you here. I hope lots of you can be contestants on our show. And I’m not lying about that.’
The crowd laughed.
Thomas didn’t because he had to concentrate on what he was going to do next.
‘As we told you when you phoned in,’ said the producer, ‘we’ll be auditioning you in groups. But first, just in case any of you are confused and think you’re here to audition for Big Brother, we’re going to start by demonstrating how our show Liar Liar works. I’m looking for a volun–’
Before the producer finished saying the word, Thomas scrambled up onto the stage.
A bloke with a walkie-talkie on his belt lunged towards him.
Please, Thomas silently begged the TV producer, please notice I’m a kid.
‘Wait,’ said the producer to the walkie-talkie bloke.
Thomas tried to look at least a year younger than he actually was. He smiled at the producer with what he hoped was a childish smile. And he saw exactly the look on the producer’s face that he’d hoped to see.
Here’s a bit of fun, the look said. Some kid thinks he can be a contestant. This’ll give us all a laugh. Relax the real contestants. The adult ones.
‘What’s your name, son?’ said the producer.
‘Thomas.’
Thomas was tempted to lisp but decided at the last moment that might be overdoing it. Plus he didn’t want to risk triggering a nipple attack by faking anything.
‘Good on you, Tommo,’ said the producer. ‘And do you know how our show works?’
Thomas nodded, trying hard not to give the producer a look which said anything remotely like of course I do you idiot that’s why I’m here.
‘Good boy,’ said the producer. ‘Do you want to have a go?’
Thomas nodded again.
The producer started clapping and showed the crowd by raising his hands that he wanted them to clap as well. Mos
t of them did, though Thomas could see that some of them would rather be strangling the pushy kid on stage.
‘And now,’ said the producer, ‘to put Tommo to the test, let’s welcome our first Liar Liar.’
More applause.
A bloke about Dad’s age came out and stood in the middle of the stage. He was dressed in a parking inspector’s uniform.
‘I’m a butcher,’ announced the man.
Thomas’s nipples went itchy and told him exactly what to say.
‘Liar,’ said Thomas.
Everyone laughed.
Thomas wasn’t exactly sure why they were laughing, but it didn’t matter. The producer was holding his thumbs up. This was a bit different to the huge flashing electronic wall on the actual show, but it meant the same thing.
Correct answer.
‘Last month,’ said the man, who Thomas had a feeling was a real parking inspector, ‘I went on holiday to Jakarta.’
Thomas frowned. He wanted to look as if he didn’t even know where Jakarta was, which he didn’t. He also wanted to look as if he was guessing the answer, rather than being told by body parts that had temporarily stopped itching.
‘True,’ said Thomas.
The producer glanced at his clipboard and put his thumbs up again.
‘In Jakarta I stayed near the beach,’ said the parking inspector.
‘True,’ said Thomas.
Thumbs up.
‘In a caravan that was double parked,’ said the parking inspector.
Everyone laughed. Except Thomas who itched.
‘Liar,’ he said.
Thumbs up.
‘My favourite Indonesian food is gado gado,’ said the parking inspector.
‘Liar,’ said Thomas.
Thumbs up.
‘I can drink four bottles of Indonesian beer before I need to pee,’ said the parking inspector.
‘True,’ said Thomas.
Thumbs up.
Thomas took some deep breaths to try and calm down.
They won’t pick you for the show, he told himself, if you faint with excitement.
Then he saw that the TV producer was giving him a strange look. And up the back of the ballroom, Kevin was waving to him frantically with lots of throat-cutting gestures.
Thomas felt a jolt of alarm.
In all the excitement he’d forgotten what he’d agreed with Kevin. About not getting a perfect score and making people suspicious.
‘On my holiday,’ said the parking inspector, ‘I met some Indonesian parking inspectors.’
Thomas felt his nipples go itchy. He ignored them.
‘True,’ he said.
The producer put his thumbs down. The crowd groaned. The producer, Thomas was pleased to see, looked almost relieved.
Then a worrying thing happened. Thomas’s nipples went even itchier.
Oh no, thought Thomas. Of course. I just told a lie and my nipples know it.
This was getting complicated.
Please, Thomas silently begged his nipples. Don’t confuse me now.
Thomas held up his hands as if he was feeling a bit shaky and anxious and needed a moment to calm down.
Which was true, for him and his nipples.
‘Take a deep breath, Tommo,’ said the producer. ‘You’re doing well.’
‘Thanks,’ said Thomas.
The parking inspector said thirteen more things about his holiday, including claims that he’d eaten barbecued snake, met Natalie Imbruglia in a shopping centre, had three suits made and given a parking ticket to an illegally-parked lobster.
Thomas made sure he gave wrong answers to another three of them. Four mistakes out of twenty seemed about right. Not too suspiciously clever-clogs, but good enough to be picked for the show.
While the crowd was applauding at the end of Thomas’s audition, Thomas glanced at the TV producer.
There was a very different look on the producer’s face now.
I’m a very happy TV producer, the look said. We haven’t had a kid contestant before. This is going to make our show even more popular with young viewers than Who Wants To Be A Millionaire or America’s Next Top Model.
Thomas peered out across the crowd and saw Kevin and Holly. Kevin was grinning and applauding harder than anyone. Holly was looking even unhappier than before.
Suddenly Thomas knew why.
He felt a stab of guilt.
Stop it, Thomas said to himself. It’s not cheating when you’re doing it to save your own life.
It’s not.
14
‘It’s not cheating,’ said Kevin indignantly. ‘No way.’
Thomas gave Kevin a look, begging him to be quiet.
The Liar Liar hospitality room at the TV studio was crowded with contestants and their families, all trying to calm their nerves before the taping of the show. Most of them were trying to do it by eating noisily at the buffet. But the slurping and chattering wasn’t loud enough to drown out Kevin when he was being indignant.
Thomas tried to steer Holly and Kevin away from the crowd.
‘No way is it cheating,’ Kevin said to Holly, his eyes bulging with indignation and his cheeks bulging with turkey-and-prawn sandwiches. ‘It’s just Thomas using his talent.’
Although Thomas was grateful for Kevin’s support, he was tempted to pop another couple of sandwiches into Kevin’s mouth to shut him up.
‘I never said it was cheating,’ muttered Holly.
‘That’s right,’ whispered Thomas. ‘She didn’t.’
Since the audition she’d been thinking it, Thomas could tell. But she hadn’t said anything, not once. A couple of days ago he’d thanked her for not going on about it.
‘You’re my friend,’ she’d said quietly, her dark eyes meeting his. ‘I don’t want you to die.’
Thomas hadn’t needed his nipples to know she was telling the truth.
‘If it’s cheating,’ said Kevin loudly, reaching for more sandwiches, ‘then the Socceroos are cheating when they do good kicks.’
A couple of people turned and looked at Kevin.
Thomas wondered if it would be cruel to stuff celery sticks up Kevin’s nostrils so he suffocated.
Holly saved him the trouble.
‘Kevin,’ she said, holding a small grey object in front of his face. ‘If you mention cheating one more time I’ll make you eat this oyster.’
Kevin closed his mouth.
Mum and Dad and Alisha came over.
‘We think you’re very brave,’ said Mum, patting Thomas’s arm. ‘We’ve been having a little talk, and we think we know why you want to do this.’
‘So I can win,’ said Thomas.
Sometimes parents, even highly skilled and creative ones, could be a bit slow.
‘There are some really good prizes,’ added Thomas, to make it crystal clear.
Not too crystal clear, though. Best not break it to Mum and Dad that they were all going to France until he’d actually won.
‘You’re right, there are some great prizes,’ said Dad. ‘But son, the important thing is to do your best. That’s much more important than prizes.’
‘What he’s really saying,’ said Alisha, ‘is if you don’t win the car you’re dead.’
‘Fingers on buzzers…’
The show started with what the compere called a quick fingers round. There were three contestants, and the purpose of this round was to see who would get first choice of the Liar Liars.
Thomas took a deep breath and concentrated on losing.
‘My hair…’ said the compere, and the studio audience exploded with laughter. The compere was famous for his hair transplant. Thomas looked at the famous hair gleaming in the lights and was glad he hadn’t had a nipple transplant. He’d hate to have nipples that shiny.
‘My hair,’ said the compere, ‘used to belong to Bert Newton.’
The audience laughed again, and the contestants lunged for their buzzers.
Thomas paused. While the others both buzzed Li
ar, he ignored his itchy chest, then buzzed True.
‘Oh, Tommy, you kind boy,’ said the compere with a theatrical sigh. ‘If only you were right. I’d give anything for talented hair. Thank you for your faith in me, but I’m afraid you were slow and wrong and so you go last.’
The audience gave a sympathetic groan.
Thomas managed not to smile.
Perfect.
Now he would know exactly what score he needed to win, and he wouldn’t have to get too many right and risk making the producer suspicious.
The contest started.
Thomas won it easily with sixteen out of twenty.
‘Congratulations to our youngest ever winner,’ said the compere, putting a shiny-jacketed arm around Thomas’s shoulders. ‘You’ve won a fully-weatherproof set of garden furniture, plus barbeque. You can either take the prize or come back tomorrow night and compete again.’
‘I’ll come back tomorrow night,’ said Thomas.
He squinted into the lights, trying to see Mum and Dad and Alisha and Holly and Kevin in the audience.
At first he couldn’t. The lights were too bright. Then he saw them, over to one side. They were all applauding.
Mum and Dad seemed particularly pleased that tomorrow night he’d be trying for a bigger prize.
Tomorrow night turned out to be later that morning.
‘We tape a whole week’s episodes in one day,’ said a production assistant while Thomas and the two new contestants were having a cup of tea. ‘Don’t worry, you’ll probably be finished by lunchtime.’
Not if I can help it, thought Thomas.
He won the second night with seventeen out of twenty.
‘Incredible,’ said the compere. ‘And I’m not lying. Young man, you’ve won a holiday for your whole family to the Great Barrier Reef, staying at–’
‘I’ll come back tomorrow night,’ said Thomas.
He won the third night with eighteen out of twenty.
‘A champion,’ yelled the host. ‘A true champion. Thomas Gulliver, you have won…’
Thomas didn’t even listen.
He could see Mum and Dad on their feet. Mum seemed to want him to take this prize, whatever it was.
Sorry Mum, thought Thomas. You’d understand if you knew.
He waited for the compere to stop talking, then said he’d come back the next night.