“I read,” I said. “I read books and papers.”
“About what Chris? About people dying and coming back to life, about jaguars. All are things that have to do with what happened to you. You’re obsessed. Can’t you see that? You need to move on. It’ll drive you crazy if you don’t. You don’t even play your guitar anymore. Something has to be done. You have to snap out of this somehow.”
I exhaled. Maybe she had a point. I had been isolating myself completely. And not playing my guitar was a sure sign that I wasn’t being myself. “So what’s your plan? Where are you taking me?” I asked Jim.
He passed me a big brown rifle. I took it in my hands. I had just gotten rid of the bandages earlier that same day so I still had trouble moving my fingers and felt a slight pain as I did. The rifle was a lot heavier than it looked. “Why do I need this?” I asked.
“Because we are going back to the swamps to kill your beast. You need to get this out of your system. You need some sort of closure.”
“My beast? My jaguar?”
“Yes,” Jim said with a grin. “Heather and I figured that if you got to shoot the bastard then you might be able to move on somehow. If not, then at least we got you out of the house. Come on. The others are already on their way up there.”
Walking through the swamps with a weapon between my hands made me feel alive again. Jim and Heather had been right. I needed to get out of the house to get away from those books and all my thoughts and obsessions. It wasn’t good for me. It was about to drive me crazy, I realized.
As we entered the swamps again my thoughts seemed to clear up. It was like I woke up from a heavy dream. I decided to put all my research and obsession away. For the first time in a long while I felt like I took matters into my own hands. I was finally doing something and the very thought of possibly getting to see my jaguar again and maybe look into its eyes thrilled me. I didn’t know if I was capable of shooting it if I saw it, though. I had never killed anything in my life or even fired a shot with a gun, but I wanted to wait till that moment came until I decided whether to kill it or not. I wanted to look into its eyes and realize that it was nothing but an animal. That it hadn’t saved my life because it understood I was in danger, that it hadn’t spared my life but merely gotten scared away at the right time. That there was nothing behind those eyes but a simple savage beast. I needed to know that my survival wasn’t a supernatural thing, it was a mere coincidence. That would mean closure to me. Then I would be able to put this thing behind me and move on for good.
But what if it doesn’t bring you closure? A small voice inside of me said. What if what you saw in those eyes is still there? What do you do then? Do you shoot? Do you kill the animal that saved your life?
Jim grabbed my arm. “Stay here with me, Chris,” he whispered in the darkness. “Don’t let your thoughts drift off like that. You have to focus. You have to concentrate.”
I realized that I had been walking for a long time without noticing where we were. Jim was right I needed to stay focused. If I was to see anything between those bushes and in that black swamp water I had to be alert. I had to be on top of my game.
“I will,” I whispered back.
“What we are looking for are tracks on the ground or dead animals lying around. It comes here to eat, so there has to be leftovers,” Jim continued while we came closer to the area where we had been that night.
I swallowed hard as we neared the river’s shore and then I stopped. Flashes of pictures from the night ran before my eyes. My heart was racing as I fought hard to not relive it all again. I was sweating like an animal. The palm of my hands had become slippery and it was hard to hold onto the riffle. It was one of those really warm, humid Florida nights that I later came to love so dearly. Not a wind in the air. Everything in the swamps stood still except for the mosquitoes that made us slap ourselves constantly on our necks and on our bare arms. I heard wings flap and saw a big bird take off.
“Probably a blue heron,” Jim whispered. “You’ll see a lot of those around here.”
We kept walking on a small trail along the riverbank. It was Jim’s theory that the jaguar came to the river to hunt every night for fish and turtles and other animals like deer that it would attack as it came to drink of the water. It would ambush it like it had done to the alligators. But the river was long and went all the way through the swamps so the beast probably had multiple hunting spots along it. With diligence he would at some point get to find it. It was only a matter of time and patience.
A deer jumped from a bush and ran with majestic speed and grace causing us both to jump. My heart wouldn’t stop beating afterwards.
“Reminds you of that night, huh?” Jim said. “I have been suffering from that, as well. Jumping from every little sudden sound. I think we all have. Especially Heather.”
I looked at him. I had been so caught up in my own little world that I hadn’t even thought about the others. Of course they had been scared to death. Of course they had to fight some of the same stuff as I had. They had also been there and had maybe even been more afraid than I. They saw it all happen and were paralyzed. They couldn’t do anything to help me. Jim had been the only one to run for help. He had actually saved my life.
“Thanks, man,” I said. “Thanks for running for help and saving my life.”
Jim nodded. “No problem. I’m just glad I reacted. I was certain that you would be dead when I came back. Surviving an encounter with two alligators. There was no way you could do that, I thought. But I ran as fast as I could anyway. I am sure glad that I did.”
“Me, too.”
“Who would have thought a jaguar would pull you out of the water. That is crazy, man.”
“I know.” I paused for a second as we crossed a tree with roots so big and out of the ground that it blocked the trail so we had to get in the water to get to the trail on the other side.
“It’s okay,” Jim said and lifted his rifle. “We are armed this time.”
I stepped carefully out in the water following closely in the footsteps of Jim. It felt nice to be cooled down a little but the feeling that something might be in the water waiting to grab my leg made me hurry up and climb back on the other side of the tree. Jim reached out and pulled me up by the hand.
“There you go,” he said. “Now you’ve been in the water again without being attacked.”
That did make me feel nice and comforted. I realized now for the first time how important it was for me to not be afraid of the world. I had been just that. I had isolated myself because I had a fear of what would happen to me if I went outside. It wasn’t like a paralyzing fear and it hadn’t taken me over yet, but one thing I knew about fear was that if you fed it, it would grow stronger and eventually take over your life. I was glad Jim showed me this. I hadn’t realized how bad it had become.
“So why are you so interested in killing this jaguar?” I asked as we started walking again. “You’ve been out here trying to find it several times a week since it happened, haven’t you?”
Jim nodded. “I have. And I have found nothing yet. But I know I will. I am the best hunter this area has seen in many years. So was my father. ”
“But you don’t need the reward money, why are you so devoted to this?”
Jim stopped and turned. The moon was waning but would still cast a bright light at us when it momentarily was freed of the moving clouds.
“My father was crippled by a cougar when I was a child. He was on one of his hunting trips up north when they came too close to a female and her cubs. He came back in a wheelchair after months in a hospital where I wasn’t allowed to visit him. He didn’t want me to see him like that and the last many years he has been living in his office where he doesn’t want to see any of us. Only his nurses are allowed in. He tried at one point to divorce my mother but she wouldn’t have it. He used to be a powerful and strong man. He was influential and a big man to this community. Now, he can barely speak or eat and has to have help to go to the bath
room. The cougar bit him and dragged him eight hundred yards over rocks and cliffs before they finally shot it. Luckily my dad was still alive, but only barely. He broke his spinal cord. Since then I never let a wild cat go free. With my brothers on my side I hunt it until it is dead.”
A cicada sang in the darkness and was soon accompanied by several others. I was speechless as we started walking again. Part of me was starting to like Jim now that I knew more of his story. He hadn’t had an easy life as I had first assumed when I met him. I had met two of his brothers when we arrived outside the swamps. They were searching the northeastern parts of the area while we took the southern parts where Jim had been searching since the accident. At first I thought he just did it for the fun of killing the animal. But now I knew the real reason why he was so eager to hunt this beast down.
Jim stopped in front of me and put a finger to his mouth, signaling that I should keep quiet. Then he pointed at the ground where a visible set of paws were planted in the muddy soil—paws that could only belong to a big animal. Paws that looked very much like they were made by a huge cat.
Chapter 11
I saw Jim staring glaze-eyed at the paw prints in the moist soil by the river. I could sense how much he wanted this. I felt his desire to kill this animal. He wanted that creature, that huge hulking animal that was so similar to what had paralyzed his dad and left him in a life where he might as well be dead, where death might even have been a better solution for everybody. This was Jim’s way of getting his revenge on his father’s behalf, and somehow this hunt had suddenly become more about him than it was about me. I found that very satisfying. Maybe killing this beast could be a way for me to pay him back for saving my life. I enjoyed the thought.
We didn’t need to speak. We both knew the prints were fresh and whatever had made them couldn’t be far away.
“Keep the rifle ready to shoot at all times,” Jim whispered as we started to follow the tracks slowly while being careful not to make a sound.
The scent of a kill that was ahead of us was pulling us forward. The anxiety, the expectation, the adrenalin rushing through our veins drove us to move ahead. I had never understood what hunting was all about, what about it could be so fun it drove full-grown men into the forests in strange outfits just to hunt and kill some animal. To a lover of peace like me it had always seemed barbaric and only for upper-class cavemen with anger issues and power trips. But now I had to admit I did understand it. At least some of it. I would never learn to love playing war or killing anything, but now I understood the thrill part of it. I felt it in every cell of my body as I walked behind Jim. I would have been shivering with excitement if it wasn’t for my concentration and focus that kept it all steady. Even my hands were completely steady on this big unwieldy weapon Jim had given me. As we sensed how we drew nearer to the cat we walked slower, constantly watching over our shoulders, constantly expecting to find it around every bush.
If it was the jaguar that found us because it caught our scent or us that found it, we didn’t know. But suddenly it was there in front of us as we turned a corner. It was snarling while crouching low like it was cornered and ready to jump with the full power of its hind legs. I had read about jaguars in my books and knew exactly how it would act and how it would devour every part of us after killing us with its fierce bite. I had spent hour after hour researching it and imagining the things it could have done to me that night if it had wanted to. If it hadn’t backed out for whatever reason it did.
Startled by its sudden appearance Jim pointed his rifle in its direction, but he made the mistake not to shoot right away. He froze, maybe from the shock of finally standing face to face with the animal he had looked for for so long, maybe because he got scared.
Once again I was facing the fear of being killed by this beast. It was powerful, this wild creature, and its splendor completely paralyzed me. It was perhaps a hundred and twenty pounds on long and slim but forcefully muscular legs. It let out a huge roar maybe to give us a warning or maybe just because it was afraid of us. It didn’t look scared though. It seemed fiercely ready to fight for its life. All three of us knew that it had only one way of surviving this encounter and that was to attack.
So it did.
It leaped into the air and jumped Jim in one quick movement leaving us no chance to react and causing him to fall to the ground while the rifle went off into the air and was then thrown out of Jim’s hands. Never had I seen a creature this powerful, this big, this filled with the enormous will to survive. It made a frenzy of snarling sounds as it stood over Jim. He shouted and screamed at me in a voice filled with fear. The deepest fear of them all, the fear for his life.
“Shoot! God damn it. Shoot. Kill it!”
The rifle was shaking in my hands. I couldn’t keep it still no matter how hard I tried. I couldn’t aim properly like Jim had shown me in the parking lot just before we went into the swamp. What if I missed? I risked killing Jim.
Jim was fighting the animal with all his strength but was no match for the wild beast. His shoulders were pressed against the ground with its forceful paws as he was scrambling on the ground, struggling to get it off, trying to push it away. Again and again the animal growled and snarled as if threatening to hurt him.
“Shoot it, Chris!” Jim screamed at me.
But I couldn’t. Lord knows I tried all I could. My finger was shaking, hesitating to do the pull. The jaguar was no longer looking at Jim struggling beneath it. It was staring at me. Staring me right into my eyes. And there it was again. This time even stronger than the first time. The feeling that this creature, this predator understood my every thoughts and emotions. That we were somehow connected. I recognized it and knew it was the same animal that had saved me on that night of the attacks. There was no doubt in my mind. And there was no doubt it had saved me on purpose, either. I could tell by looking into its eyes again. There was something there that told me this was no ordinary animal. This creature had known exactly what it did when it attacked those alligators in the water. I thought for a second I was crazy but I felt like it recognized me. Like it knew who I was and remembered having saved me.
In that second I just knew that it wasn’t going to harm Jim either. Not as long as he wouldn’t try and kill it. It was only acting in self-defense. Slowly and careful not to scare it I lowered the rifle and heard Jim yell at me as I did.
“What are you doing, you moron? Kill it before it kills me!” He was overtaken with fear and anger, I could tell, and I couldn't blame him, but I didn’t care. I put down the rifle slowly to the ground and kneeled on the moist soil to show myself humbled and inferior to the animal. I was trying to speak its language and show it that it had nothing to fear from me.
To the very day today Jim will still claim that he was the one who scared it away, that it had nothing to do with my gesture, but I know better. It didn’t take many seconds before it climbed down from Jim who was panting and moaning with fear. It backed slowly up still while staring into my eyes with its yellow glowing glance that had completely disempowered me and left me breathless. I owed that cat everything. I owed it my life. And there was now a connection between the two of us that I could never get any human being to understand. I didn’t even understand it myself. All I knew was I had to spare this creatures life as it had spared mine.
As it backed up Jim tried to crawl for his rifle and as soon as the jaguar saw that it turned around and ran like the wind. Less than a second later it was gone.
“What the hell were you doing?” Jim panted as he got back on his legs. “It could have killed me. Why didn’t you shoot?”
“I am so sorry, Jim. I just couldn’t. I guess I froze.”
Jim picked up his rifle from the ground with a snort. Then he grabbed my rifle and took it out of my hands while mumbling, “It’s no use in your hands anyway.”
“I really am sorry, I repeated. “At least nothing happened.” But Jim wasn’t listening to my excuses. All he saw was a hunting buddy who didn’t
live up to his responsibilities. He saw a boy who wasn’t man enough to shoot when it was required.
“I knew I shouldn’t have brought a pretty city boy out here. What a wimp,” he growled as we started to walk back towards the car. Jim had hurt his leg in the fall and was limping slightly. As we left the riverbank I turned and took another glimpse in the direction where I had seen the jaguar disappear. I knew then that I wanted desperately to see it again. This time for a completely different reason. I felt a deep and strange feeling of delirium, and a sort of love for this creature settled over me as we drove back towards St. Augustine under the starry night that had driven the clouds away and let the moon take over. A flame had been lit inside of me, a flame that is still burning in my inner soul even today.
Chapter 12
I went back to look for the jaguar the following night. Of course I did. This time I went on my own. And this time I wasn’t armed with a rifle but brought raw meat stolen from the Kirk’s freezer. I searched for the jaguar all night avoiding the hunters that did the same, but just like them I found nothing. Not a trace, not even a dead animal that the creature could have feasted upon.
When the sun started rising like an orange ball in the horizon I had to give up and go back to the house. I was disappointed, naturally. I had hoped to see this magnificent animal once again and this time maybe even get to study it up close. But the jaguar apparently had different plans. The swamps did cover a huge area. As I looked at the map of it when I got back and lay in my bed, I decided the jaguar naturally had other hunting areas in there that needed to be explored. But I had to be very careful. The hunters were also out there during the night. I had become anxious about them, afraid they would kill the jaguar. Then again, I thought, it had survived for so long while they had been looking for it, maybe it was smarter than I had given it credit for? Maybe it was smarter than them? I could only hope. I wanted to face it again. I wanted desperately to see it and this time without any weapons between us. Don’t ask me why I was so drawn to it. I like to think that it was because it saved my life. I know it is a cliché, but I felt somehow that our lives were connected after that night it pulled me out of the water. That since our paths had crossed in this very special way, our destinies had to be somehow tied to one another. I had no idea how to protect it from the huntsmen chasing it relentlessly, but I was going to try.