“What’s wrong?” he asked, leaning in and clenching the arm of her chair as soon she sat down.
Regina shook her head, and Brandon stared at her for a moment then looked up at Janecia. “Did something happen?”
Clay’s concerned expression went hard as he too noticed the change in the girls’ demeanor. Janecia quickly took Clay’s hand with both of hers. “Nothing happened, but Regina . . .” She gave Clay a strange look Brandon didn’t understand. “She’s not feeling too hot all of a sudden.”
Brandon turned back to Regina, feeling more than alarmed and rubbed her back. “What is it, babe?”
All Regina would do was shake her head, until she finally admitted it might have been something she’d eaten. “Maybe we should just call it a night?”
Her words were barely audible, spiking Brandon’s concern into overdrive.
“Yeah,” he said, immediately holding his hand up to the passing waitress. “Whatever you want.” Both he and Clay pulled out their wallets, but Brandon told Clay he had it then turned back to Regina. “Should we go to urgent care?”
She assured him she just needed to get home and lie down. They paid and said their good-byes to Clay and Janecia. Brandon didn’t miss how Janecia’s and Regina’s words to one another seemed strained.
By the time they reached his Jeep, Regina was in tears. Brandon held her against the door, his heart speeding up as he searched her eyes. “What is it, baby? Something hurt? Are you sure we shouldn’t stop at the ER?”
She shook her head again. This time she seemed angry. “Let’s just get out of here, please. Take me home.”
Things only got worse on the ride home. Brandon couldn’t get a thing out of her, but by the time they made it back to his place, she was really crying. He started to pull out of the driveway. “We’re going to the hospital,” he said as he turned to look back.
“No!” she finally said, reaching out for his arm and holding it. “I don’t need to go the hospital. I just need to get inside, please?”
She looked so broken up it he could hardly stand it. Parking the Jeep again, he jumped out and practically sprinted around to help her out. He had no idea if whatever she was feeling might have her lightheaded, and he didn’t want to chance her falling.
Holding her close, he walked her into his apartment’s front room. As soon as she sat on his sofa, she buried her face in her hands and sobbed. Feeling completely helpless, Brandon sat down next to her and held her. She continued to sob against his shirt. He racked his brain, wondering what could have her so upset as he smoothed her hair and kissed her head. A couple things came to him: the strange look he’d seen Janecia give Clay that calmed him immediately and Regina and Janecia’s strained good-bye.
“Did . . .” He stopped to kiss her head again as she struggled to catch her breath between sobs. “Did something happen between you and Janecia? You two argue?”
To his enormous relief, she nodded against his chest but clenched her hands on his shirt a little tighter. Whatever they argued about was obviously upsetting, but at least she wasn’t sick.
He pulled away from her, gently wiping a few of her tears as they continued to flow without slowing. He kissed her wet cheek then got up. “I’ll be right back.”
Rushing into his bedroom, he grabbed the box of tissues and brought it out to her, taking a seat next to her again and wrapping his arm around her. He couldn’t imagine what she could be so upset about. Whatever it was, it wasn’t something she’d be getting over anytime soon. Kissing the top of her head as he continued to run his hand up and down her back, he whispered, “You wanna talk about it?”
“She promised me!” Regina said, startling him as she pulled away to look at him. “She promised me she’d never get on Clay’s motorcycle, and now she’s gonna do a run to Puerto Nuevo with him.” She sobbed. “A whole weekend to and from Puerto Nuevo on that death trap!”
Brandon stared at her, not sure how to respond to this. He knew Regina’s late husband had been killed on a motorcycle, but they’d yet to discuss the details.
“Babe,” he said cautiously as he rubbed her thigh gently. “Not everyone who gets on a bike gets hurt.”
She stood suddenly. “Yes, they do!” It took him a moment to recover from her sudden jump, but he was up with her now too. “When I was in grade school, my friend’s dad was killed on one. In middle school, my little league softball coach was killed on the way to one of my games. Then in high school, two different boys I knew were in accidents on them. One was killed instantly. The other one was a vegetable for years before he died. Everyone I’ve ever known who’d come in contact with one of those things has died or has been very seriously injured.” She looked around desperately. “I have to call her!”
She grabbed her purse and started rummaging through it. Brandon took her by her hands and realized she was trembling. “Calm down, Regina,” he urged as she fought with him to grab her phone.
“Let go of me! I have to call her and beg her not to.” She was beyond crying now. She was hysterical, but most alarming was how her eyes bugged out and her hands flayed and trembled uncontrollably.
Brandon had no choice but the bear hug her and bring her down to the sofa over him, risking a knee to the groin if she didn’t calm down. “Regina,” he said loudly and firmly as she squirmed to get loose. “Stop this and look at me, baby.”
Breathing very heavily, she stopped for a second to look at him then collapsed against him, crying again. “I can’t let her go, Brandon. She’s gonna die. I know she is.”
“Sweetheart,” he said a lot gentler this time. “When you hurt your ankle, you told the guy at the ER you were on anxiety pills before but didn’t take them anymore.”
Regina pulled away from him and looked at him wide-eyed. Like all the other times he’d sprung something on her, she’d obviously expected him to have forgotten, and he’d stunned her again. “I don’t need them anymore.”
Brandon remembered the other time he’d seen her hand tremble out of control: the day she’d been upset and confronted him about the girl she’d seen him with at Gaslamp. He’d let it go then without mentioning it, but there was no way he was letting it go this time. “I think you do.”
She continued to shake her head. “No.”
“Yes, baby.” Sitting up, they both straightened out, and he took her trembling hand in his, showing her how it shook. “Look at you.”
Pulling her hand away, she continued to disagree. “That’s not why I was on them.”
“Then why were you?”
She still sniffled, but at least she wasn’t hysterical anymore. His bringing up her anxiety pills seemed to have done the trick. He’d stunned her into calming.
“It was for something much worse,” she whispered then looked up at him with those big beautiful but worried eyes. “But I’m better now. I don’t need to be on those pills anymore.”
“Okay,” he said simply with a reassuring smile. “Maybe not the pills you were on but,” he touched her still trembling hands, “maybe a lower dose?”
She stared at her hand for a moment without saying anything, and he hoped to God she wasn’t going to get upset again. Then she took a very deep breath. “I’m a fraud, Brandon.”
“What?”
She nodded, continuing to stare at her hand. “My family all thinks I’m the headstrong, independent, always happy one of all of us. My parents and siblings are in awe of my strength,” she said sarcastically. “But look at me. I’m a mess. None of them know the real truth. They don’t even know I had to be on medication.” She looked up at him a bit hesitantly then continued. “Chris, my friend from New York? She’s actually my ex-therapist. Nobody except Janecia knows I was even in therapy or that I needed to be on anxiety pills for as long as I was.”
“That doesn’t make you a fraud.”
“Yes, it does. I lost it.” She stopped and seemed to think over what she was going to say next. “I held it together after Ryan’s death. My family came out to
the services, and my mom even stayed with me for a week. I assured them I was fine but then weeks later I completely lost it.”
Brandon had no idea what she meant by lost it, but if it was much worse than tonight, he was almost afraid to ask. So he offered something else. “You lost your husband suddenly and very tragically. Maybe it took some time to sink in, but it’s normal to grieve and feel inconsolable over something like that.” She shook her head. “It is, babe, and if—”
“I bought a gun, Brandon. At first, I was just really lonely and depressed and missed him terribly. Then I found out I was pregnant.”
The pregnancy she mentioned in the ER was another thing he hadn’t forgotten, but he’d had no intention of asking her about it. It was just another thing he wasn’t sure he could stomach hearing about.
“The baby gave me hope that at least I’d have a part of Ryan with me for the rest of my life. It was bittersweet, but I was happy, and then I miscarried. I hadn’t even had a chance to tell my family about it. I was waiting for the perfect moment.” Brandon wrapped his arms around her as the tears began to slide down her face again. He was determined to not let her lose it again. “As sad as I was, I was also angry. I hated him for having gotten on that motorcycle when he’d promised me he never would. He did it behind my back. He used to ride back home before moving out to New York, and he’d told me about it when we first started dating, but I told him I didn’t date guys who rode motorcycles, so he assured me he never would.” She stopped suddenly and looked at Brandon wide-eyed. “You don’t ever ride motorcycles, do you?”
Brandon had, but he’d never had any desire to own one. At this point, if he planned on keeping Regina in his life, and he had every intention to, he certainly wasn’t going to ride one now. “No,” he said, wiping away a tear from her cheek. “I don’t. And I won’t ever. I promise.”
Her eyes searched his trying to find any trace of dishonesty. Brandon felt for her since obviously both Ryan and Janecia had made the same promise and broken it. He kissed her on the forehead. “I’m into Jeeps and off-roading. I’ve never even been into dirt bikes. I swear to you I’ll never ride a motorcycle.”
That seemed to calm her worried eyes a bit, and she went on. “The day I miscarried I drank an entire bottle of wine, and I trashed my apartment.” They were both silent as she stared at her still-trembling hands, and Brandon held his breath. “I had every intention of taking my life. I even bought the gun off the street because I didn’t want to go through the waiting period and all the red tape of getting it registered. I was too much of a coward to take pills and try to overdose.” She looked up at him her, pained eyes once again swimming in tears. “I have the worst luck in the world, and I figured I may as well do it the sure way. Knowing me, I’d make it through an overdose and would have to face my family, who would then know what I coward and a fraud I really am. I bought the biggest gun I could find to make sure it did the job.”
“Why does that make you a coward or even a fraud, Regina? You had two terrible losses back to back, and you snapped. It’s not unheard of.”
“I’m not the first person to lose someone,” she said, raising her voice. “People lose loved ones all the time, and they get through it. I never even got rid of the gun” She frowned, motioning to the wooden chest.” It’s buried in there somewhere. I made the mental argument with myself that I should keep it since I was a single woman living alone, but deep inside, I knew it was really for fear that I might need it again someday.” She pointed at him with that feral look in her eyes she had earlier when she’d told him about Janecia, so Brandon held her tight. “You lost both your parents, one of them just as suddenly and tragically as I lost Ryan, and I bet you never considered taking your life.” Shaking her head, she stared out at nothing in particular. “I can’t even imagine,” she whispered. “You’re so much stronger than I am. I’m so weak. After everything you’ve been through and all by yourself, you didn’t fall apart like I did. I had my entire family and friends, and still, if it hadn’t been for my neighbors, I wouldn’t be here right now.”
Brandon lowered his face to try to get her attention. He waited until he had it and she was looking right at him. “People handle things differently, and everybody grieves differently, okay? No, I never considered taking my life, but think about it. What did I do? I did the very same thing you almost did. Maybe not literally but I made the decision to stop living. I went through the motions of waking and working and continuing with my life, but I wasn’t living. I didn’t even realize it until you came along. This is living.” He kissed her softly because he’d just had a huge revelation. “What I was doing before you . . . Baby, I may as well have been dead. My life now with you compared to what it was then . . . I was dead.”
The corner of her lip lifted, and her eyes were flooded once again, but this time there was a smile behind them, and she wrapped her arms around him tightly.
“I was so afraid to tell you about what I’d done,” she said against his neck. “The only people who know are my therapist and the neighbors who broke down my apartment door after hearing me trash the place and screaming like a crazy person. Janecia doesn’t even know. All she knows is I had a breakdown and had to start seeing a therapist. I was afraid you’d see me differently—lose respect for me—but as usual, you’re amazing, Brandon.” She pulled away and their eyes locked. That gentle innocence he’d been drawn to way back when, reflected in the way she looked into his eyes now. “I love you,” she whispered.
For a moment, he froze. Aside from his mother, no one else had ever said these words to him, and it nearly suffocated him. It was subtle, but there was no hiding the disappointment in her eyes when he didn’t immediately respond.
“You do?”
She nodded nervously. “I do.”
This was the last thing he expected to hear tonight, especially after everything they’d just discussed. As terrified as he was to admit it—say it out loud—he had to.
“I love you too.”
He got that look from her, that same one she’d given him when he promised he’d never ride a motorcycle. It was suspicious, and he knew why. “I do.” He laughed, hugging her tightly then kissing the top of her head. “You just caught me off guard, but I do.” He leaned his forehead against hers. “I love you, Ms. Brady.”
She laughed, and it was a beautiful sound—beautiful and satisfying—considering she’d been so miserable just minutes ago.
“Make love to me, Sergeant Billings,” she whispered against his lips.
“Yes, ma’am,” he said with a growl as he stood up and lifted her in his arms. “Your wish is my command, princess.”
Feeling like the luckiest man in the world, he rushed off with her.
Chapter Eighteen
The following Friday Regina walked out of his bedroom after changing into nothing more than Brandon’s Padres T-shirt and panties as she often did after work during the week. She informed Brandon they wouldn’t be meeting Janecia and Clay for appetizers and drinks like they had the past few Friday nights.
Brandon chose his words carefully because he didn’t want to ignite anything, but he had a feeling she’d be regretting this later. “Babe, you can’t just stop talking to your best friend over this. I know how strongly you feel about it, but do you really want such a long friendship with someone you care so much about to end like this?”
Regina opened up the box of pizza she’d ordered in lieu of their date night out. “It’s not ending,” she said, pulling a slice out of the box and setting it onto a paper plate but didn’t look at him. “They left this morning for Puerto Nuevo.”
“Oh,” Brandon said, feeling like a complete ass now.
The last thing he wanted was to have her thinking about this all night. Mercifully, before he could come up with a way to change the subject, her phone rang. She walked away from the pizza on the table and into the kitchen where she’d left her phone.
Brandon walked over to the pizza box and opened it, examinin
g the gourmet pizza she’d ordered from her favorite place. Unlike the pizzas he was used to with lots of red sauce, she’d mentioned this was made with white garlic sauce, so the whole thing was mostly white, but it at least it had sausage.
He’d just taken a bite of the pizza and the flavors had exploded in his mouth when he heard the tail end of Regina’s conversation and froze.
“She’s dating my Ricardo? Are you sure it’s the same one?”
Chewing slowly, he waited as Regina paused and he heard the refrigerator door open. “Get out!” she said, suddenly sounding a little too giddy for someone who’d just walked away in such a somber mood. “She’s bringing him Sunday? Does she know he’s my ex?”
She paused again while Brandon swallowed down his pizza. It went down a little harder than he’d expected.
“Oh, wow. Did she say if he’s still surfing? I wonder if he still looks the same.”
After hearing that, Brandon started toward the kitchen. He didn’t want to be petty, but Regina’s interest in her Ricardo was irritating as shit, so he figured he may as well get close enough to hear every word. It wasn’t like she’d hushed her voice or was trying to keep this conversation private, so he leaned against the kitchen entryway and took another bite, looking straight at her. Suddenly, she seemed uncomfortable. It was almost as if it’d just hit her that Brandon could hear what she’d been talking about.
Clearing her throat, she turned away and reached into the fridge. “No, don’t be silly.” Now she lowered her voice, making Brandon chew slower in an effort to remain calm. “I know she’s annoying, but I’m seeing someone now, remember? Besides, I wouldn’t play those immature games. Listen,” she said, abruptly turning back to Brandon with a smile. “We were about to eat. I’ll call you later. Let me know if there is anything you need me to bring.”
She hung up and put the phone down on the counter. “You want a soda?” she asked, reaching back for the refrigerator handle.
Brandon shook his head, staring at her as he stuck the last piece of pizza in his mouth and continued to chew.