‘Scary, huh?’ Jean-Luc put his hand on my knee. ‘Did you see it in the cinema?’
I shook my head. ‘I don’t watch that kind of movie.’ There’s too much horror lurking in my imagination already.
‘They make big box office,’ Jean-Luc reminded me. ‘In the end it’s the cunning coyote who jumps down Ahriman’s throat on an island in the middle of the lake. He kills him by sawing up his heart with a flint. He’s the hero.’
‘Happy ending,’ I joked feebly. The water and the fresh air were helping me to get my head back together. ‘I’m OK now, honestly.’
‘Good. I came to tell you Holly is ready to leave. Can you walk down to the social area, or shall I ask her to drive your car up to Trail’s End?’
‘I can walk.’ Standing up, I let Jean-Luc take my arm and lead me down the wooden step.
‘You’re a guest – Antony shouldn’t have left you alone. He has terrible manners,’ he apologized. ‘Did he say why he had to leave?’
‘No. I think it was something on the Black Crow video – a problem about some guys breaking the rules.’
‘Ah!’ Jean-Luc nodded. ‘He found out about Jarrold and Kaylee. I was hoping to keep that information from him.’
‘It’s on film,’ I pointed out. ‘Wasn’t he bound to find out?’
‘No. Antony doesn’t always watch the videos – he’s not into details, more the broad sweep of what goes on here. Kaylee told me all about it as soon as the Black Crows got back to base and we formed a plan to edit out the sections on her and Jarrold. But Conner … other stuff got in the way and my stepfather jumped the gun by showing you the footage, I guess.’
‘So what will he do now?’ Walking down the hill with Jean-Luc, I spotted the social centre by the lake and several figures sitting on a bench by the main door, among them Holly, Aurelie and Richard Ziegler.
‘He’ll be angry, you bet. He’ll see it as a huge betrayal on Jarrold’s part.’
‘So Jarrold could stay isolated for longer?’
‘Yeah – all next week for sure. But don’t worry, it’s not your problem.’ Everything about Jean-Luc was reassuring – the polite arm through mine, the considerate, slow pace, the openness of his responses – so by the time we reached the social area I’d pretty much put to one side the blacking-out episode at Trails’ End.
‘Hey,Tania!’ Holly called when she spotted the two of us walking arm in arm. ‘I’m so excited. Richard and Aurelie have been telling me more about what to expect when I join the band – what clothes to pack, plus survival items like flashlight et cetera. No cell phones, obviously.’
‘Cool,’ I murmured. I smiled at Jean-Luc, who unlinked his arm from mine, nodded at Ziegler and took Aurelie inside the ranch house, presumably to talk through developments in the Kaylee–Jarrold situation.
Holly’s tone was hyper as always and right now it jarred with me. ‘Have you thought what you’re going to say to Aaron?’ I asked her as we walked on towards the parking lot.
‘Hey, is that snow?’ Ignoring my question, Holly tilted her head back and felt the first white flakes settle and melt on her cheeks. ‘Yeah, it is! Cool, Tania!’
‘You want it to snow?’ I asked, getting into my car.
‘Yeah, I want it to snow,’ she laughed. ‘Walking in peace in the wilderness, being a Friend of the Hawk Above Our Heads band, surviving a winter storm – how cool is that!’
7
Grace’s house is in the centre of town, next door to a grand, colonial-style bank building. When I called by to see her early next morning, she was out on the drive, clearing ten centimetres of snow.
‘Winter began early,’ she sighed, leaning her snow shovel against the wall. ‘What’s it like up on Becker Hill?’
‘We got twelve, maybe thirteen centimetres.’ It had been a silent, gentle fall – no wind, just soft, floating flakes all night long. I woke up to a new white world.
Grace invited me into the house for hot chocolate then got straight on to the reason why she’d asked me to drop by. ‘You and Orlando,’ she began. ‘What’s going on?’
‘Nothing. What do you mean?’ I was snappy and mean, immediately regretted it. ‘Sorry.’
‘Listen, I pick up the vibes. You haven’t spoken his name since he left for Dallas. So what’s gone wrong?’
‘Honestly? I don’t know.’ We still hadn’t spoken. It was thirty-six hours since he’d walked out of his room and we were engaged in a battle of wills. For the first twenty-four I was dead set on him making the first move to call me. I kept calm by telling myself he was busy moving house, that he’d call as soon as he found time. For the last twelve, including a night tossing and turning under my dreamcatcher, I’d felt my stomach tie up in knots. Finally, I knew with a sinking heart that I would be the one to weaken and pick up the phone.
‘He flew home to be with you last Saturday,’ Grace pointed out, sitting me down at her breakfast bar and giving me my chocolate. ‘When your mom went to the hospital, he was there for you.’
‘I know it.’
‘So he loves you.’
I nodded then sighed. Love – deeper than anything I’d ever felt, out of control. I loved Orlando and longed for him. I never stopped fantasizing about him and his fantastic body, his beautiful mind, or fearing that I would lose him. I freely admit it. But sometimes the love game, the battle was just too confusing.
‘So?’ Grace broke through my sighs.
‘He wants me to go to Dallas.’
‘And?’ When she wants to make her point, which isn’t often, she refuses to back off. Which is why I was taking her seriously this Friday morning.
‘Dallas.’ I spread my hands, palms upwards. ‘What is there for me in Dallas?’
‘Orlando.’ Unblinking, Grace pointed out the obvious.
‘So I give up everything and go there to be with him?’ I let go of my own life, my ambitions? ‘What are we saying here, that we live back in the nineteenth century?’ Wear a corset and a bonnet, look pretty, stand by your man.
‘I guess not. And I’m not saying that’s what I would do. Not necessarily. But did he ask you to go?’
‘Yeah, point blank. I said I’d think about it, then I told him no and he stormed out.’ I stared miserably at the creamy froth on top of my chocolate. ‘I do love the guy, Grace.’
‘I know it. But when did you last tell him?’
‘Not since Wednesday.’
‘So call him. Talk. Don’t let this grow into some huge thing between you.’
‘I will,’ I promised. ‘I’ll call him this afternoon, after I’ve visited Mom.’
Satisfied, Grace sat opposite me, her face still glowing from the snow-clearing exercise on her driveway. ‘Poor Tania – your life is going great then suddenly everything gets so tough to deal with all over again.’
So I fell further into confessional mode and told her about Mom’s dyspraxia and her programme of physical therapy, and how Dad spent a lot of time in the garden, feeding Zenaida and keeping his thoughts to himself.
‘I spoke to Holly.’ Grace steered me away from problems I couldn’t solve. ‘Suddenly she’s a Pioneer!’
I smiled. ‘They call them Explorers, remember. And Holly’s a Friend. Upper-case “F”. Her bag is packed. She’s ready to leave.’
‘Go, girl!’ Grace said with a shudder. ‘All that frustrated surge power is going to be put into practice.’
‘Where are you at with the volunteering?’ I asked. ‘Will you do it?’
‘I don’t know any more. At first I liked the idea, to build up my résumé for college.’
‘But now?’
‘Now I’m not sure. I’d like to know more about their reintegration programme. I mean, how is it a good thing to draw in everyday, regular kids from Bitterroot? Not everyone volunteers with a good motive – right?’
‘You mean, we know some people who might do it just to snoop and dig dirt?’ I totally got what she was saying.
‘Yeah. And some who might
get a buzz out of associating with kids from the wrong side of the tracks – drop outs, drug addicts and the rest.’
‘I can think of a few,’ I agreed. ‘Besides, even I’m shallow enough to think that some of those New Dawn guys are totally hot and that’s as good a reason as any to volunteer.’
‘Tania, you’re not serious!’ Grace pretended to be shocked. Then she laughed. ‘OK, they’re hot,’ she agreed. ‘So will you?’
‘What?’
‘Do it – volunteer?’
Getting up from the counter, I wandered to the window to see that the sun had warmed up and the snow was starting to melt. Drops of water dripped from the gutter on to the drive. ‘Orlando doesn’t want me to.’
‘But you haven’t decided?’ Grace worked on intuition, which hardly ever let her down.
‘Now I’m here in Bitterroot for longer than I thought,’ I admitted. ‘I have a couple of extra weeks just hanging around, visiting the hospital. And I don’t know what it is, but there’s something that makes me want to find out more about New Dawn – and not just the hot guys!’ I added quickly.
‘I didn’t figure it was,’ she said quietly. ‘Seriously though, Tania – I have a lot of questions about the place.’
‘Me too.’ And though I didn’t mean to, I shared with Grace some of the doubts floating in my head. ‘For a start, even Antony Amos’s stepson questions the methods. I found out that the kids who live there are not allowed to form any close relationships. And did you know they isolate you if you break the rules? They stick a label on you, call you an Outsider. You can’t talk or interact until they’re ready to let you back in.’
‘Plus I heard they cut off all contact with your family.’
‘This thing about not building relationships – that’s so tough.’
‘And they send you out without a cell phone or a two-way radio, right?’ Grace helped me build up the case against New Dawn. ‘So why are we even thinking about getting involved?’
‘Because it works?’ I suggested. ‘It really does help people find out who they are. Or, maybe it does – who knows?’
‘And we do want to find out. But I think you – we should look at all the angles.’
There it was – the tiny suggestion that I was the one with a particular problem. Grace had quickly corrected herself, glossed over my psychic weirdness, tried to move on. ‘Hey,’ I protested wryly. ‘I thought you were my friend.’
‘I am. And I’m worried.’
‘Me too,’ I admitted, turning towards her, spilling out the details about yesterday’s blackout experience in Amos’s cinema room, sparing her the vision of the wolf man and the snake-headed, winged monster rising from the lake. Instead, I kept it general. ‘Since Conner Steben drowned, I’ve developed this water fixation – nightmares about drowning, about bodies trapped in West Point, the town they flooded to make the lake.’
Grace gathered her long fair hair and pinned it to the nape of her neck in a rough twist. ‘You and your nightmares,’ she breathed. ‘Last time it was fire.’
‘You know how powerful water is? Tsunamis, tidal waves that wreck bridges and roads, smash houses to a pulp. A wall of water is unstoppable. You can’t fight water, you can’t run – it just gets you.’ Ask the spirits drifting in the currents of Turner Lake. Ask Conner Steben.
Now that we were being totally honest, Grace didn’t duck the issue. ‘And is it the same for you as before. Is there a dark angel?’
In our minds we went back together to the Heavenly Bodies fancy dress party – Grace in her Botticelli angel dress, me as a bird of paradise. We saw ourselves at the glitzy gathering, mesmerized by the strutting figure onstage – rock star Zoran Brancusi with his glittering black wings.
‘Yeah, he’s back,’ I shuddered.
‘And how about the good angel? Is she around to help?’
‘Not so far.’
‘Is it Antony Amos? Is he the one?’ Grace asked.
A skull speaks from the depths. ‘Death, darkness, suffering.’
‘Who is my enemy?’ I ask. ‘Where is he?’
There is no answer.
‘Help me.’
There is silence.
‘No, it’s not Amos,’ I said quietly. Still it didn’t feel right, so I said it louder. ‘No.’
‘Then who?’
‘Grace, I have no idea. And that’s what terrifies me this time around. The first time I knew Zoran was my guy, right from the start. When I understood what was happening with the warring spirits, good versus evil and all that, it was mind-blowingly obvious that he was my dark angel. Now, all I’m really sure of is that he will be back. In fact, he never really left.’
‘What is he doing? What does he want?’ She was so scared that she was gripping my arm harder than she realized. She relived her time on Black Rock – the mind-control games, her falling under Ezra’s spell, being led to the yawning gates of Hell.
‘He’s twisted and bitter and he wants revenge,’ I explained. I didn’t need any good angel to explain his desire to get back at me, the one person who had defied and defeated him. ‘He won’t rest until he gets it.’
‘So you’re running away?’ Grace asked. ‘When you’re in Europe, you’re escaping?’
My lips trembled. Running, always running. Even in London, in Rome, in Paris, I never stopped.
A dark monster rises from the lake, mixture of serpent and lion with snake fangs and glittering claws. The wolf man lurks on the shore. The sky is black. The water rises.
Angel of death, who are you? Are you travelling through time, from star to glittering star? What nightmare do you have in store?
‘There’s nowhere to hide,’ I whispered. ‘When he wants me, he’ll come for me.’
‘Tania, don’t say that!’
‘It’s true.’ I was never more certain. ‘He’ll be there and I won’t even recognize him. He’ll be a new shape – nothing like he was before. That’s how he is – he’ll catch me off guard.’
‘Tell someone, Tania. Find help.’
I stared at Grace. ‘I’m telling you,’ I whispered.
Because I knew she’d been there herself with Ezra, and because sharing might help me bear the burden. Only, it sounded so crazy that even Grace might not understand.
‘What can I do?’ she asked, taking both my hands.
‘Believe what I say,’ I told her. ‘My dark angel is close, getting closer. He’ll shape-shift and deceive me, he’ll travel through time, make fire and flood, create monsters to drive me crazy, there’s no limit to what he can do.’
‘Then keep safe,’ Grace begged. ‘Go to Dallas. Be with Orlando.’
I let out a long, despairing breath. ‘Then what?’
She knew what I meant. There was no point running – the dark angel would follow me wherever I went. ‘So?’ she whispered.
‘So I have to be ready,’ I told her, grasping at the only answer there was. ‘I have to be strong. In the end, there’s no escape. I have to stand and fight.’
Grab my devil by the throat.
I went from Grace’s house to the hospital and was back home again when Orlando called on my cell phone.
He called me!
‘Hey.’
‘Hey.’ I was trembling so hard I had to sit on the bench under the aspens and take deep breaths before I could say any more. The sun was shining, melting the snow.
‘How are you doing?’
‘Good. I went to see Mom.’
‘How is she?’
‘Good. The therapist started her on a programme to get back the use of her left hand. They scanned her brain again to make sure all the blood clots dispersed.’
She’d been quieter than normal, said she was determined to follow the recovery programme and be the ideal patient.
‘It’s tough for her, lying in bed all day,’ I told Orlando.
She’d quizzed me – was I taking care of Dad, was I eating right, when was I going back to Europe? Was I following my star?
 
; Yes, I’d said to the first question. Yes/ don’t know/ hope so to questions two, three and four. I told her Dad was now the world expert on rock pigeons and Eurasian collared doves. He could even tell the difference between the common ground dove and the band-tailed pigeon.
This had made her laugh and say, ‘I love that man!’ But why only ‘hope so’ on following my star?
I’d told her about the Dallas versus Europe dilemma. We’d talked it through.
‘Dad says Orlando wants me there for the right reason, because he loves me.’
‘So love is a prison?’ Mom had turned down the corners of her mouth. ‘ “Love me. Stay in your cage.” ’
‘It sounds bad when you say it like that, doesn’t it? I’m sure that’s not the way Orlando sees it. More like, “I miss you, I need you, I want you.” ’
Mom had sat up in her hospital bed, had stroked my cheek with her good right hand. ‘You can love someone without being tied,’ she’d insisted. ‘Love doesn’t depend on being there twenty-four/seven.’
‘Don’t worry, she’ll be back to normal before you know it,’ Orlando told me now, caring and sympathetic as if we’d never had a fight and he hadn’t stormed out. ‘And listen, Tania – what you decided about not coming to Dallas—’
‘I don’t want talk about it.’ I cut him off. Please don’t give me a hard time, not right now.
‘I’m sorry I walked out on you the other day. I was out of line.’
I pictured him in his new room, still surrounded by boxes, not bothering to unpack. ‘No, I didn’t tell you in a good way. It was my fault.’
‘I understand why it was hard for you, especially with your mom being ill. I shouldn’t have pressured you. I know you have to get Europe out of your system.’
‘I love you,’ I said over him. My cage door was open, I was taking flight. ‘Orlando, I love you so much it hurts.’
Which is when Holly walked in on me. She came through the gate that divides her back garden from mine.
‘I need batteries,’ she said, wielding her flashlight, trying to ignore the ring tone on her cell phone. ‘No time to go down to the store. Do you have any the right size?’