The Cherokees have busted their asses for YEARS
to make white people like them
they have taken up farming
slave-owning
speaking English
wearing stupid bow ties
all the hallmarks of true civilization
and they rightly expect that as a result of this
they will be treated by the Europeans
the same way the Europeans treat each other.
The problem here
is that the Cherokees do not know European history.
All this assimilation means
that when the order comes down to vacate
the Cherokees are in a prime position to argue.
They know the law
plus they have their own politicians.
One of them is named John Ross
he’s the son of a Scotsman and a Cherokee
which makes him automatically respectable.
The other guy is named John Ridge
and is closer to full-blooded Cherokee
but he went to college and his name is John
so that at least counts for something.
So pretty early on, John Ross gets elected chief
and the first thing he does
is he draws up a constitution
and does everything he can to be like “Hey
the Cherokee Nation
IS ACTUALLY A FUCKING NATION”
but Andrew Jackson is still like “Naw”
so John Ross TAKES HIS ASS TO COURT.
And he wins!
The Supreme Court is like “Actually, Mr. President
it turns out you can’t just issue a proclamation
declaring that other people’s land is now yours
it turns out that that’s called stealing.”
So the Cherokees are like “Ha HA!”
And Andrew Jackson is like “Well
if the Supreme Court hates stealing so much
let them enforce that law.”
BECAUSE YEAH, ANDREW JACKSON
THAT’S SO WHAT THE JUDICIARY IS FOR.
Then he turns around and tells Georgia
(which really wants the Cherokees’ land)
to just go nuts and start killing whoever.
THIS DUDE GETS TO BE ON THE TWENTY
ALEXANDER HAMILTON IS ON THE TEN
AND HE INVENTED THE NATIONAL BANK.
WHAT
THE
HELL.
But John Ross (and most of his tribe)
are still like “Hell no, we won’t go”
which is upsetting to John Ridge
because John Ridge’s dad is pretty rich
from owning slaves and a cotton plantation
and doesn’t want to get into a fight with the U.S.
So Ridge tries to get elected chief
but John Ross is just like “WHOOPS
looks like I accidentally suspended elections
it’s an emergency, bitch, step the fuck back.”
So John Ridge is like “Okay, fine”
and then he just goes to the U.S. government himself
and signs a treaty
that he has NO AUTHORITY TO SIGN
giving up the rights to all that tasty land.
So all the Cherokees are like “WTF, JOHN?”
and John Ross is like “Don’t worry, guys
I may have the same first name as that douche
but I am going to fix this.”
So he goes the way of the impotent Internet denizen
and starts a petition
he gets fifteen thousand signatures
which accomplishes jack shit
because on the day congress is supposed to read it
two senators get into a duel
and one dies
and government is canceled for a week.
This . . .
this is civilization.
A few months later, Georgia is like “TIME’S UP”
and they show up with a big ol’ army
drag everyone out of their houses
and force march them eight hundred and fifty miles
in the dead of winter
with basically no preparation
to a shittier spot across the Mississippi
which they will kick them out of forty years later.
Naturally, a whole bunch of people die
and the rest of them are irreparably scarred
but luckily John Ross manages to cheer them up
by actually establishing a government for a bit
and that goes super duper well
until after the Civil War
when the Americans are done killing each other
and decide they need someone else to fuck with.
So the moral of the story
is never get between a white man
and an ocean.
I AM TOO DRUNK TO REMEMBER THE ALAMO
Okay, so the Alamo happens
and a bunch of famous dudes die, the end.
Oh, what, you want more details?
Are you trying to tell me
YOU DON’T REMEMBER THE ALAMO???
Wow, guys
I knew when I was writing this book
that I would have to educate y’all a LITTLE
but your ignorance is staggering me right now.
Okay, fine, let’s do this.
So Mexico owns Texas
and Texas is full of Americans
but it’s okay
because up to this point, Mexico has been pretty chill
what with having a federal government and all
but then Mexico’s like “Wait a second . . .
you know what’s better than a federal government?
A TOTALITARIAN DICTATORSHIP.
WOOOOO.”
And Texas is like “Oh no you di-int.”
To be fair, Texas isn’t alone in this.
Most people in Mexico are pretty pissed
and a lot of them fight wars about it
but of all the provinces that rebel against Mexico
Texas is by far the loudest about it
and has continued to be the loudest about it
all the way to the present day
so we’re going to focus on Texas in this story
because if there’s one thing history is short on
it’s stories about white dudes shooting things.
So Texas has an army
and Mexican dictator/general Santa Anna isn’t pleased
so he gets himself a bigger army
and stomps into Texas to kill everybody.
He is headed straight for this town called Bexar
which is guarded by this fort called the Alamo
which used to be a mission
and a hospital
but is now just a place to shoot guns out of.
Now, there’s a guy at the Alamo
named William Travis
and he doesn’t wanna die
so he starts calling up any dude he can find
who might possibly be the general of the Texan army
(fun fact:
most kinds of mud
are better organized than the Texan army at this time)
and he’s like “Could you help a brother out?”
and finally he gets in touch with Sam Houston
who he should have tried first
since he has a city in Texas named after him
and Sam is like “Nah, I think you’re screwed.
Actually I’m just
gonna send one of my guys
to take all your cannons so the Mexicans can’t.”
And Travis is like “Whoa, harsh.”
But Houston makes a critical mistake:
as his cannon-taking emissary
he selects none other
than Jim “I got a knife named after me” Bowie
possibly the least responsible person in the West.
Bowie shows up at the Alamo
sees that the odds are impossible
and goes “Yup.
Looks like I’m staying here
along with the soldiers Sam sent with me.
Hope you guys like dying, because that’s the plan.”
So the soldiers at the fort elect him commander
OBVIOUSLY
and Bowie is like “WOOOO!”
and goes into town and gets shitfaced
and then comes back in the morning
like “It’s okay, Travis
you can be co-commander.”
and the whole time Travis is like “What.”
Then more dudes show up
the most important being Davy Crockett
the former U.S. senator/bear-puncher
who famously claimed he could
“swallow a Mexican whole without choking
if you butter his head and pin his ears back.”
Which is either a threat or a sex thing or both.
Either way
Travis quickly realizes shit is getting out of hand
so he keeps sending out notes like “Please, anyone
I am going to die in a church full of psychopaths
send food or something, come on.”
But all of a sudden Santa Anna is here
and he has made a new rule
which is that all Texan rebels now count as pirates.
He does this to allow himself to auto-execute them
instead of taking prisoners
but the actual effect of this declaration
is to make it so that instead of fighting just cowboys
he is now fighting COWBOY PIRATES.
This is a DANGEROUS MOVE.
Santa Anna hangs out by the Alamo for two weeks
firing cannonballs into the fort
which the defenders scoop up and fire back at him
until finally he’s like “Screw this” and just attacks.
He has way more guys than the Texans do
like, ten to one
plus the Texans are mostly out of ammo and food.
So what do they do?
Do they run away like intelligent humans?
NO.
They stand their ground
and club their enemies with their empty rifles
like HEROES.
Even Jim Bowie
who is sick in bed
(probably from drinking too hard)
manages to get in on the action
by just waiting in his room
and shooting or stabbing every fool who busts in
until he runs out of bullets/knife
and they kill him with bayonets.
I feel like Bowie’s death is a rare example
of someone who died sick in bed
of multiple fresh stab wounds.
Anyway, yeah, all the Texans die.
What did you think was gonna happen?
I mean, they kill a lot of Mexicans
so that’s cool, I guess
as cool as killing a lot of people can ever be
and the Mexicans end up so confused and angry
that they keep firing at the dead bodies
and at each other, sometimes
for like fifteen minutes
until Santa Anna finally has to be like “Uh, hey
we won!
Retreat, guys!
Those dead bodies aren’t getting up!”
Then he executes all his prisoners.
So what was the point of all this?
The Alamo got sacked
and Santa Anna kept marching
but
and this is crucial
he came out of it looking like a total dick
for murdering all those starving outnumbered Texans
and killing the prisoners
and I’m sure he felt sort of bad about himself
at least for a little while.
This highlights the true importance of the Alamo
as possibly the first recorded instance
of aggressive passive aggression.
BRE’R RABBIT IS THE BUGS BUNNY OF FOLK HEROES
So one thing that happens
when you get kidnapped from your homeland
and forced to work for free in a foreign country
is that you tend to bring your stories with you
because you need something to entertain you
while you hate your life.
The other thing that happens, though
is that your stories start to get seriously mixed up
with all the stories in the foreign country you’re in
so for example
all over Africa, back in the day
ladies and dudes were telling stories about tricksters.
Some of these tricksters were spiders
some were rabbits
but all of them were HUGE assholes
and when these huge imaginary assholes
found their way to the land of opportunity
they got mashed together with some Cherokee tales
and some down-home country agriculture
and suddenly they were all about a dude
named Bre’r Rabbit.
Now, Bre’r Rabbit
(Brer Rabbit for short)
is the quintessential motherfucker
he likes to swagger around
stealing shit and laughing about it.
And Bre’r Fox
(Brer Fox for short)
is essentially the Wile E. Coyote
to Brer Rabbit’s Road Runner
and together
these two wacky animals
have a wild and wonderful history
of getting co-opted by white writers
who then make a ton of money off of them.
So, uh . . . allow me.
One day Brer Fox wakes up like
“Damn, I really wanna kill Brer Rabbit
before he steals any more of my stuff.
Oh man, I have the ultimate plan:
I’m gonna make a baby
OUT OF TAR.”
So Brer Fox buys some tar from ACME
and mixes it up real good
and then makes a baby out of it
and puts a big wide-brimmed hat on the baby
you know
like babies tend to wear
and he places it right in the center of the road.
The myth says that this was like the cutest baby ever
but I don’t know how cute a baby can be
when it is made out of DEADLY TAR.
ANYWAY
Brer Fox goes over and hides in the bushes
so excited about his incredibly stupid plan
and Brer Rabbit comes whistling along
and he sees this baby
and he is like “Whoa
what is this fine baby doing in the road?
Hey, baby, how you doin’?”
and the baby is like
“. . .”
so then Brer Rabbit gets kind of mad
because he likes it when people talk to him
so he can mock
whatever they’re saying
and he is like “Now, baby
if you do not immediately start talking to me
I AM GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.”
Not even stopping to consider that maybe
JUST MAYBE
the tar baby is too young to talk
or you know
that it is MADE OF TAR
No, he just shouts at that inanimate baby
until finally he gets so mad
he really does smack it upside the head
and what do you think happens?
HIS PAW GETS STUCK.
So what do you think he does?
he says, “BABY
MAKE YOUR FACE LET GO OF MY PAW
OR I WILL SMACK YOUR FACE AGAIN
WITH MY OTHER PAW.”
And the baby does no such thing
so true to his word
Brer Rabbit hits the baby again
and his OTHER paw gets stuck
and he is like “RRR I’M SO MAD
MAYBE KICKING YOU WILL HELP???”
but it predictably does not
in fact it just makes things much much worse
so then I guess Brer Rabbit is just like “Welp
I’ve already fucked up almost as hard as possible.
Might as well hit this baby with my face too.”
so he does
and it is in this undignified state
that Brer Fox finds him:
covered in tar with his fists inside a baby.
So Brer Fox is of course extremely pleased by this
and is like “Ohhhhh Brer Rabbit
I have wanted to kill you for SOOOOO LONG.
I don’t even want to eat you
just kill you.
Hmm . . . how should I kill you, Brer Rabbit?
Should I roast you?
Nah, too much effort.
Maybe I should set you on fire?
No, too similar to roasting.
What do you think, Brer Rabbit?
How should I kill you?”
And Brer Rabbit thinks fast
and he says
“PLEASE BRER FOX
ROAST ME
FLAMBEE ME
I DON’T CARE
JUST WHATEVER YOU DO
PLEEEEEEEASE
DON’T THROW ME INTO THAT BRIAR PATCH
THE ONE RIGHT OVER THERE.”
Now if I was gonna kill a rabbit
and a rabbit said that to me
first of all I’d be like holy shit a talking rabbit
and maybe question my sanity a little
but after we’d sorted everything out
I’d probably just say okay
and throw him in a fire
because I am a merciful person
who still really likes killing rabbits.