I hiked for five hours. Even though I know I’m in the best shape of my life, every muscle is aching when I arrive home. I know I overexerted myself. I needed to. I wanted to wear myself out so that sleep comes easily–and hopefully deep sleep, free from dreams of a girl whose words just don’t coincide with recent actions. I wish I could trust her. If I could trust her again, I would probably love her again.
No, I would probably commit to her again. I can’t love her again, because I haven’t stopped loving her yet.
When I finally lie down for the night, I glance at my desk. Livvy’s letter is out next to my phone, which suddenly lights up with a picture of Audrey.
I pick up the phone, my thumb primed to swipe the screen and answer the call, but I decline it instead. I set my alarm for 5AM and take off my glasses, physically exhausted. It doesn’t help me sleep, though. My mind is still racing, wondering what the rest of the letter says. Maybe it’s the last one I’ll get. Should I hold on to it; savor it?
I’ll never sleep if I don’t find out what she’s written. I skim through what I’ve already read and continue on.
In the light of the moon, wrapped up in a blanket and the warmth of your arms, I said goodbye to my childhood on June 13th in a hotel room on the most beautiful island in the universe.
You’d left yours behind long ago, and showed no fear or regrets. I never doubted the decision to take that step with you.
Even when I fantasized about how it should happen, I never envisioned how perfect it all was. And the best part of it was that nothing was planned. What made it so perfect? You.
I realize now that where or when didn’t matter–but the where didn’t hurt. Better than the scenery or the cool breeze was the fact that we were alone. Self-sufficient. Reliant only on each other. It was an incredible feeling.
I smile, remembering that I felt the exact same way that night. We took a car to a beachside restaurant. No one knew where we were, exactly. We stayed out late, strolling in the surf without checking in with anyone. I think she was stalling because she was nervous; I was taking my time, committing every second to memory. No one in Mykonos knew us. No one cared what we were up to. No one cared about us, and yet, I knew there would never be another woman in the world that I would care about as much as I cared about Olivia Holland.
I’d wondered if I would have to coax her or convince her, because I wanted to take advantage of this once in a lifetime opportunity with her. I didn’t, though. Once we got back to the room, no words were needed to tell each other we were both ready. Desire radiated from her body. Love streamed from her eyes. She was timid and nervous, but still carried herself with the self-confidence only Livvy could pull off. She knew she was beautiful. She knew she was talented. She knew she was smart, and clever, and funny, and the desire of all men.
But I was the only man that mattered to her. Her shyness came only from the unfamiliarity of the situation. It had nothing to do with me. I loved her for who she was. She knew that, too. I assured her I always would.
I’m afraid I always will. I shake off the notion. Time heals all wounds, right?
Making love to her was like nothing I’d ever experienced. Sex with love is completely different from sex absent of love. I remember thinking that was just something cliché people said, but no. It was absolutely true… which was a relief to me. I wanted us to share something special. Only in that moment did I regret not waiting for her, but the regret was short-lived, because that night was not like those other nights, with those other girls.
I thought nothing of them while we were in Mykonos, and really hadn’t given either of them much thought since then. I gave Livvy everything I had. In fact, I felt like a virgin myself that night. The strange excitement deep in my gut was the same feeling I felt the first time I kissed her. I imagine it’s the same feeling you get when you step off a cliff into an unknown abyss. I had no idea what would come from that first kiss. I had no idea how our first night as lovers would change us. That was the great unknown.
I’m still not sure how it changed us, because what happened the next morning would change her in other ways.
I don’t want to think about that right now. I want to return to that night, when the only certainty we needed was the constant love for each other.
The beach near the villas was quieter than I thought we’d find on an island known for its tourism. There were only a few restaurants and bars, spaced out, leaving a lot of sand and rocks for us to explore.
“What time is our flight back tomorrow?”
“Two o’clock,” she said softly as she curled her toes in the sand, letting the clear water wash up on her bare feet. She looked across the expanse of the ocean at the white orb in the night sky. I kicked off my shoes, rolled up my slacks, and stood behind her. Wrapping my arms around her loosely, I kissed her cheek, then her neck, and she held my hands in hers.
“I can’t wait to see this water in daylight. We could go for a swim in the morning.”
“Maybe,” she said. “If that’s what you really want to do.”
“You may be sick of me,” I told her.
“Never.”
“Maybe we should swim tonight, before we settle in,” I’d suggested.
“You’re crazy, right?”
“Some of us have never been in water like this,” I reminded her. “This is nothing like the Atlantic.”
“Jon, we can barely see what’s in the water!”
“What water?” I asked, picking her up swiftly in my arms and wading further into the surf, toward the moon.
“Jon!” she shrieked. “You have no idea how deep it is!”
“Well, I know you can swim, so…” I kept walking, my pants now soaked to the knee. There were other swimmers wading nearby, so I didn’t think we’d be in danger of finding ourselves in deep water. She put her arms around my neck and held on tight. I stopped walking to kiss her.
“There could be sharks,” she whispered, her eyes sparkling in the light.
“Sharks here are harmless,” I assured her. I took a few more steps, stopping just before she’d have any chance of getting water on her clothes.
“You’re crazy. Definitely,” she said.
“So no swimming tonight?”
“No,” she laughed. “Even though you’re halfway there.”
“It’s pretty cold. But that’s the only reason I’m not dropping you in the ocean and stripping down to my boxers.”
“Take me back to land, please. And remind me what the signs of hypothermia are… slurred speech, right? Poor decision making? See you’ve already got it,” she teased me.
“Lethargy is a symptom,” I told her, propping her up and turning back around. “And I am as alive and awake as I’ve ever been right now. I feel like I could swim out to the horizon and back.”
“The horizon never ends, you know…” I stopped walking again and kissed her once more. Her kisses were slow and deep.
“I do know. I am so excited about tonight, Olivia… a shark attack couldn’t stop me.”
“Good, because there’s a fin in the water.”
I jerked, pretending like I was going to drop her as I took quick steps toward the shore, playing along. She screamed before laughing wildly, finally squirming out of my tight grasp when the water was at my ankles.
The flowing skirt she had worn skimmed the surf. I wrapped my arms around her as our lips met again. Her fingernails dug into my back through my shirts before she untucked them both and her palms met my skin. She massaged deeply. It felt so good. I caressed her face in my hands, holding her to me and kissing her until she needed a breath. We gasped for the same salty air, and as she tilted her head back, I kissed her neck again, then the top of her breast next to the necklace I’d given her. My final destination–at the time, there in the water, under the stars–was her ear. As soon as my tongue began to fondle her lobe in between kisses, she sighed my name, her hands moving to my hair.
“I love you.” We’d said it at the same
exact time. We both pulled away, smiling at each other.
“I’m wet,” she said to me softly, blinking slowly, not taking her gaze from mine.
There was no mistaking what my interpretation of her statement was. Even though her dress had been dampened by the ocean water, I heard something else.
She knew what I was thinking. She didn’t correct me. Instead, she took my hand and led me out of the ocean to our shoes.
We returned to the restaurant to call a car, and didn’t have to wait long for our ride. I was not ashamed that foreplay started in the backseat of that car. She didn’t stop me from putting my hand up her shirt, beneath her bra. I made sure my body was positioned between her and the rearview mirror, ensuring that her passion and beauty was visible to and adored by me and me alone. She couldn’t contain audible sighs as we touched and kissed, though. I was jealous the driver could hear the sweet sounds she made. Wanting her to myself, I backed off and reduced our actions to kissing only. She followed my lead. She let me lead the rest of the night, and I never took that responsibility for granted.
When she came to bed with me, I was as turned on as I’d ever been. I kept hearing her tell me she was wet. I’d seen her body fully exposed in front of me, and had in fact touched and kissed her for longer than any guy could be expected to maintain sanity within the small confines of the steamy shower in which we bathed… especially with her touching me, too.
I get up and lock my door, permitting myself to get carried away in the memory.
In that bed in Mykonos, regardless of the images that were then permanently seared on my retinas (and I know I’ll never forget for the rest of my life), I put on a perfectly patient facade. Rushing her wasn’t an option, nor was it what I wanted. I felt pretty certain that night was going to be the highlight of my life. I wanted to make it last.
I’d nearly forgotten that her uncle had stopped by while Olivia was drying off and getting dressed.
“Can I give you a tip?” he’d said quietly from the hallway. I was only wearing a towel, and my hair was still dripping moisture down my chest, so I only cracked the door for him.
“I’m not sure… can you?” I’d joked with him. He smiled briefly, but then became very somber.
“Don’t do anything you’ll regret. Don’t try to talk her into anything. If you have to convince her to do something, then it started out as a no… and you should take it as that.”
It was good advice, but unnecessary to me. While I had never been so eloquent about it, that was how I’d always treated her.
I thanked her before we started, but it wasn’t a conscious thought. I was that grateful. It’s one thing for any girl to choose a guy as her first; it’s another thing for that girl to be Olivia Holland, the crowned jewel of New York City, the most talented artist I’d ever met, the luckiest girl alive–chosen in so many ways–and the most beautiful sight my eyes had ever beheld.
I actually thought for a split second that it felt too good to be true. Was it?
The pacing of our night’s events was perfect… it was constant, always moving toward the goal of making love, using just the right amount of restraint, and teasing just enough to make her plead with me, to ask for more. I loved hearing the need in her voice, and every time she requested more, I knew it was what she wanted. I never had to ask if things were okay–although I did a few times when I was certain she was experiencing something wholly new. She couldn’t hide the tiny flashes of hesitancy from me. I knew and loved all of her expressions.
I kissed her everywhere, not ignoring any skin except the bottoms of her feet and the backs of her knees. Just dragging my fingers along either nearly got me a bloody nose. I had no idea she was so ticklish. She apologized profusely both times, and we both laughed about it.
Although my hands skimmed the edges of her panties, they didn’t venture beneath the garment until she pulled one of my hands with hers. It was the signal I’d been waiting for. It wasn’t the first time I’d touched her like that, but in all the past times, there were hard limits; we knew we weren’t going all the way then. I was only trying to pleasure her those other times, and while that was also my intent in Mykonos, I knew I also needed to prepare her for what was to come.
I suggested a way for her to communicate with me if she needed me to slow down. She only used the hand gesture a few times, and it was mainly in this area of foreplay. I learned what she could tolerate, what she liked, and she also introduced me to a few more expressions. I felt like I had found a key to another world. Those moments were precious and surprising.
After bringing her to orgasm slowly, I removed her panties and slipped on a condom. She was still exhaling euphoric breaths with her eyes closed, but I felt it was the moment. I climbed onto her slackened body, careful to keep most of my weight off her. As I took her hand in mine, she opened her eyes. I watched her as I kissed her, maintaining eye contact as I slid into her in one quick but gentle thrust. Her grip on my hand only pulsed for a second, although her eyes closed tightly for a few seconds longer.
“Oh wow,” she finally breathed. “That’s… whoa.” She shook her head.
“No?” I asked quickly for clarification.
“No, yes!” she corrected. “Just…” She looked perplexed.
“What does it feel like?” We carried on the soft conversation as I slowly moved out, then in, then out again.
“There are no words. How do you describe a color you’ve never seen before?”
“Leave it to you to bring art into this. And I describe a new color by comparing it to others.”
“It feels very different than your finger, then,” she said. I laughed, grateful. I’d be afraid if it felt the same. “It’s… tight.”
“Damn right it is,” I agreed. I kissed her sweetly.
“It’s… tension,” she said, still trying to describe it. When she said it, her muscles tensed down there, and I almost lost it. I thrust a little harder than I’d intended, but stopped myself, breathing out quickly. “It kind of hurts?”
“Yeah?” I asked, easing up.
“But it’s pain like I’ve never felt either… so don’t stop. I don’t feel like you’re hurting me.”
“Okay, good.”
“It… fits,” she said. The way she had said it was cute, like she was surprised by that. She pulled my head to hers to kiss me again. It started slow, but as her kisses became more needy, so did my desire for her. Things sped up naturally. When I would open my eyes, hers were still squeezed shut. I knew the first time may not be pleasurable for her… I just didn’t want to hurt her. I wanted to make sure we had a second time, third, hundredth… but deep down I was hopeful she’d be moaning in ecstasy. I accepted that wasn’t happening this time. When Livvy finally released my hand, I felt her right leg wrap around my back first, followed quickly by her left one. She was limber, and she held me tightly against her. We had a rhythm then, and I pressed my torso to hers. I put my arms beneath her shoulders and gripped the bedsheets as she hugged me into her with her arms.
As my muscles tensed and the stirring deep within me began, I shifted slightly, and as if she knew what I needed, she slid her hands down my back and further, pulling me into her. That was it. Restraint was no longer an option.
I continued until orgasm. I held my breath, extending the feeling, letting it fill every part of me. I was on fire. She scraped her nails up my back, adding kindling to the flame. It felt like an explosion. I was sure that the atoms that made up my body were scattered throughout the room. It took a few seconds for my eyes to see; for my ears to hear.
“Fuck,” I grunted, breathing heavily. “Oh, god… fuck.”
“What’s wrong?” she said loudly. At least it seemed loud, but it was more likely that my ears were just insanely sensitive to sound. Everything was sensitive.
“No, nothing’s wrong, baby,” I said between breaths. “Was so good,” I sighed. Exhausted, the remaining tensed muscles let go, and I hoped my weight wasn’t too much for her. My lips
next to her neck already, I placed gentle kisses where they could reach with little other exertion. I needed a minute to regroup. “I love you, Olivia.”
She squirmed beneath me, faintly, but I stilled her with what little strength I had left. Not wanting to leave the comforting warmth of her body, I lifted my torso just slightly to give her some breathing room.
“Just a minute.” I leaned down on one arm and moved the other hand to her thigh, holding her next to me. “You okay?”
“I’m fine,” she said.
“This is where I belong, Liv.”
She smiled, proud. I pulled out as I went in for more kisses. After a minute or two, I rolled over on my back, pulling her on top of me. She kissed my chest while I lay nearly comatose. It took an inordinate amount of energy to put my hands on her hips, squeezing just enough to get her attention.
She looked up at me, her hair obscuring one eye from me. She looked so sexy, climbing up to kiss my lips.
“Hey,” I whispered. “I need to go take care of something… but when I come back, I want you, just like this.” I nodded my head, making sure she was on board.
“I’ll be waiting.”
I open my eyes to find myself alone in a twin bed. Mykonos is a memory that’s not as distant as it should be because I keep allowing myself to revisit that night… but Utah is where I find myself.
As in my memory, I make my way to the bathroom to clean up, happy to find the house dark and all bedroom doors closed.
Back in my room, I pick up her letter from the floor.
I regret nothing, Jon. A child flew into Mykonos, but a woman left there the next morning. I felt cherished and loved and… sexy… desired. I had no problem saying goodbye to that girl.
I felt honored to share that perfect night with you.
Never tell me you regret that. Even if you do, and that’s the one thing you want to say to me, please never do.
Don’t ruin my perfect night. I’m afraid I’ll never have another, and I need to own that; to keep that.