I don’t want to talk to her now, but I do want to know if she truly is okay, or if she’s just saying that to mask her true desperation. I peek out of my bedroom and look into my aunt’s, seeing her cell phone on her dresser. Sneaking into her room, I pick it up and dial Livvy’s number. As soon as it starts to ring, I panic, trying to figure out what I’ll do when she picks up.
“Hello?” A sense of relief comes over me at the gentle lilt in her voice.
“Uhhh,” I disguise myself poorly, struggling to think of a person I should ask for. “Cameron?” It’s the name of a new guy on the site who I’m responsible for training.
“There’s no one here by that name.”
“Who are they asking for?” I hear someone else say in the background.
“Shhh, Finn!” she says quietly, urgently.
“Sorry, wrong number,” I say quickly, hanging up before I hear any more.
PRIDE
The shopping mall parking lot is packed when we pull in. This is the first time in my life that I can remember my mom having health insurance for us. I was covered under my dad’s while he was alive, but my brothers have never been covered, and I can remember very few doctors’ visits while they were growing up. When they absolutely had to go, we would eat light for awhile, and sometimes I knew Mom had to borrow money from neighbors or friends.
Max and Will have never had their eyes checked, and its been years since I’ve been. I’ve agreed to come now because Max was scared he’d have to get glasses and wanted me, of all people, to help him pick frames that didn’t make him “look like a nerd.” I told him I wasn’t really a good choice for that. “I’m a nerd, and I rather like it,” I had told him.
“You don’t look like one, though,” he’d assured me. It makes me wonder what he thinks a nerd looks like, and why he’s afraid of glasses.
While Max is in with the doctor, Will tries on pair after pair of sunglasses with the assistance of a girl who’s probably still in high school, working a summer job. If he’s trying to flirt, he needs a lot more practice at it. It’s painful watching him, so I stop.
“I’m going to walk around the mall,” my mother tells me, “and see if there are any good sales on shoes.”
“You just bought them shoes,” I remind her.
“For me,” she says. “The women at work say I’ll get more tips if I wear heels.”
I glare at her, shaking my head. I hate to think that’s true. Things like that make me despise our society. Tips should be given on service that exceeds expectations, not on the look of the waitress who serves. After many years of alcohol abuse and lack of attention to herself, my mom has lost the beauty of her younger years.
“I’ll be back in an hour or so,” she says. “If you’re finished before then, go take them to get some ice cream next door. Do you need some money?”
“I’ve got it, Mom.”
“Okay, Jonny.”
Once she’s gone, I open up my messenger bag, reaching for the laptop Livvy’s parents had given me a year and a half ago. I’d stopped feeling guilty about it some time ago, but every time I see it, I’m reminded of the Holland’s and their generosity. Instead of taking out my computer, I reach for the three letters I’d brought with me.
After hearing Finn’s voice, I wasn’t really in any mood to hear what Livvy had to say to me. When the first letter arrived, I debated throwing it in the trash before I’d even opened it. Eventually, I’d decided against it. When the other two followed, I just filed them away in the drawer with the rest of them.
Bored and curious, I compare the postmarks looking for the earliest one. Two of them were sent on consecutive days. The third was postmarked five days later. I tuck the latter two in my lap and open the first one.
I love you, Jon.
My right thumb feels the texture of the paint in the corner. The feel of it is strangely comforting to me. The word pride is etched into the bright green pigment. I don’t like the word very much, because my own pride created dissidence between us on more than one occasion. I’d even fought with her father over it, and almost requested we take a break after that incident. It wasn’t my proudest moment, ironically.
When I left my house for the banquet at Nate’s Art Room, having not seen you in a month, I was beaming with pride. I had made it weeks on my own, without you, and I had created paintings that had been highly praised by everyone who saw them. I couldn’t wait for my students and their parents to see my newest creations, and when I found out you were going to be there, I knew that you were the only audience that mattered. I didn’t paint them for you. I painted them for me, but it was the love you’d shown me that allowed me to do so.
Seeing you admiring them from across the room, I wished I had somehow implanted cameras into the canvases so I could see your expression. What if they disappointed you? What if you weren’t impressed, like everyone else was? The fear of a negative reaction from you made me feel weak, but then you turned around, and I saw something in your eyes that put me immediately at ease.
You were proud of me.
I was incredibly proud of her, and even more so when I saw her. I wasn’t surprised when I turned around, though. Her final painting told me I would see a more confident young woman than the one I’d left the month before. It didn’t lie. Although meek and somewhat afraid to approach me, she carried her head higher.
I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed her, but seeing her reminded me of all the reasons I’d loved her in the first place. I wonder what it would do to me now. I wonder, if she walked into this eyeglasses shop right now, if I would remember why I loved her, or why I left her.
Something happened, though, after the banquet began. I honestly didn’t think I could feel higher than I did when I walked into the Art Room that night, but then my dad started talking about you.
Jack’s introduction of me was incredible. If ever I thought the man really didn’t understand me, I couldn’t deny in that moment that he had me figured out. He somehow found a way to separate the Jon Scott that wanted to steal his daughter from the Jon Scott who wanted to change the world someday. I was embarrassed by the amount of compliments bestowed upon me that night, but I, too, had some pride in myself when my award was given to me.
I’d told you before that my world revolved around you, and I truly believed it had. But at that very second, I saw myself as you had seen me a month earlier. The world did revolve around Livvy Holland, and that was the only world I’d ever lived in.
I wanted to leave that world that night, and I think I did.
I never really knew what it meant to feel such pride for someone else, but I was absolutely moved by what you’d done, and how far you’d gone to get there. I wanted to be by your side from then on, cheering you on and doing whatever I had to do in order to support your dreams. I think I became a little less selfish that night. I know I’m not selfless. Someday maybe I’ll find enough humility to be that, but I know I’m still not selfless. I think you are, though.
We aren’t finished.
Pride
I’d never thought of myself that way because most of the things I do have been self-serving. I want to elevate myself and my family. I don’t want to be victims of a society that doesn’t care for those less fortunate, so I’ve never let myself feel that way. Isn’t doing things for my family still selfish? I’m not sure. All I know is that most of the things I’ve accomplished were done because I wanted to be a better person.
I guess if other people profited from that, it’s not as selfish as it once seemed to me.
“You’re reading again?” Will asks as he browses the selection of sunglasses on the counter next to me. What he’s really saying is, “you’re reading her letters again?”
“Just one,” I admit, looking up. The salesgirl smiles at me with a quick flush of her cheeks. “Hi.”
“Hi,” she says back. “Is this your brother?”
“He is. Is he bothering you?”
“Oh, no!” she exclaims
. Will kicks my shin. “You both have the same eyes, that’s all.”
We don’t, but I don’t think she’s really had a chance to study mine yet.
“Did you pick those out?” I ask her, pointing to the shades my brother wears.
“No,” she laughs. “I picked these over here.”
She nods her head, requesting me to follow her. I stand abruptly, dropping all three of Livvy’s letters to the floor. I hurry to gather them up and stuff them back in my bag, carrying it with me to another case.
“I’m Audrey,” she says once we’re across the store.
“Jon.” I hold out my hand and shake hers. She’s wearing simple pink nail polish. “Speaking of eyes, yours are beautiful.” I’ve never seen irises like that. The outer two-thirds are variations of dark and light turquoise, but the inner circle surrounding her pupil is brown. “I’m not coming on to you, I swear,” I say with a laugh. “It’s just a fact.”
“Thank you.” She hands me a pair of RayBans, showing me what she’d selected for my brother.
“You’re giving Will way too much credit. He’s not cool enough for these.”
“Are you?”
“Absolutely not,” I laugh harder. “And I don’t think I’ll be getting sunglasses today. I’m fairly certain I’m in for a rude awakening. I’m not seeing details of things far away anymore,” I admit. “Leaves, grass… those types of things.”
“I think glasses would look good on you,” she tells me.
“Yeah?” I ask. “What would you recommend?” I hoist my bag up on my shoulder and follow her to another display. She stands opposite me, putting her hand on my chin and angling my face to hers. She squints, carefully studying my face.
“I’ve got it,” she says as she quickly walks away and takes a pair of glasses out of a different case. We both start laughing when I see them.
“Alright, alright.” I put the frames on, knowing she’s kidding. “What do you think?”
“Close,” she giggles. “Let me find some other ones.”
We go through about ten pairs of insanely horrible glasses that make me wonder who’s designing them before actually settling on a simple pair.
“Those look really nice,” Audrey says. “It’s like you were always meant to wear them.”
“You think?”
She shrugs her shoulders, hesitates, but then says something that catches me off guard. “I’d date you.”
My jaw hangs open slightly for a few seconds as I think of a way to thank her. “Would you? Next Saturday, maybe?” My heart is racing all of a sudden.
She bites her lip as a grin spreads across her mouth. One of her teeth is slightly off-kilter, but it’s cute. “Yeah,” she agrees with a nod.
“Great.”
“Great!” she says, scrawling down her phone number in neat penmanship on the back of some receipt paper.
“Jon?” Max calls to me from behind, sounding sad.
“What is it, buddy?” I turn around, still wearing the frames.
“I have to wear glasses to read,” he says with a frown.
“That’s not a bad thing, right Audrey?” I ask my new friend.
“Who’s this?” she asks.
“This is my other brother, Max.”
“Well, Max,” she begins, “don’t you want to look as handsome as your big brother? I mean, look at him. He’s had these on for three minutes, and already he has a date.”
“What about Livvy?” he asks.
This might be the most awkward silence of my life.
I look at Audrey tentatively. “It’s my ex-girlfriend,” I tell her quietly. “She’s back in New York. We don’t talk anymore, but my brother hasn’t really figured that out yet.”
“You’re from New York?”
“Couldn’t you tell?” I ask, a little relieved that she’s shifted the topic away from Livvy.
“You don’t hide your accent well,” she says.
“I don’t try.”
“It’s cool,” she says. “And I think it’s your turn to see the doctor, Jon.”
“Will, can you watch Max while I get my eyes checked?”
“Yeah,” he says reluctantly, giving me a dirty look when I walk past him. He holds on to my arm for a second, and waits for the sales girl to walk a few more steps away from us. “I was gonna ask her out.”
“Will, come on,” I plead with him. “She’s too old for you.”
“Says who?”
I roll my eyes and follow Audrey into the small room as she instructs me to take a seat.
After settling in, she leans in front of me, looking me in the eyes. “Can I have the frames back?” she says with a slight giggle.
“Oh, oh!” I laugh. “Is that what you want from me?”
“Yeah,” she says, taking them off of me and smiling. “I’ll keep them up front. I’ll give you this, though.” She hands me the small slip of paper with her number on it.
“Thank you. I’ll use it.”
“The doctor will be in shortly. I’ll keep an eye on your brothers.”
“Thanks, Audrey.”
As I wait for the optician, I take out the next letter. After going over one sentence three times and not getting its meaning, I put the note away. My mind’s not on Livvy anymore. Not right now, anyway, and I don’t want to send it back there when I can focus on better things, future things that I’m looking forward to.
I hear Audrey’s voice echoing in my head. She said she’d keep an eye on my brothers, and all of a sudden, I panic. Will’s pissed that I asked her out, for sure. I wonder what he’ll tell her about Livvy.
Where is the doctor?!
After the exam confirms that I need glasses, I return to the sales floor, dreading what awaits me. One angry brother, one that was on the verge of tears when I left him, and a girl who was going to go out with me until she had a few minutes alone with Max and Will.
Please, Will. Don’t mess this up.
“So,” I say, returning to Audrey.
“So,” she counters. “Livvy?” she asks.
“My brother is an idiot,” I tell her quickly. “I’m sorry, but I’m not seeing her anymore and I would really like to take you out on a nice date to thank you for helping me out today. Please don’t let anything Will said change your mind.”
“It was Max,” she whispers. “Will isn’t speaking to me anymore.”
“Oh,” I say, cringing. “Sorry about that.”
“It’s okay. But really? You were dating Livvy Holland?”
“I was, yes,” I admit. “She’s just a girl. Just a girl I was dating, but I’m not anymore.”
Audrey nods her head.
“You’ll still go out with me?” I ask.
“It’s a little intimidating,” she says, “but yes.”
“Don’t be intimidated. Seriously.”
“Okay,” she agrees, settling into a rolling chair. “Now sit down so I can take your measurements.”
“Gotcha.” After I take a seat opposite her, we decide on a burger place that her brother-in-law owns. Before I could even voice my apprehension about meeting anyone in her family on our first date, she tells me he doesn’t actually work there anymore. I like the idea of the casual joint, and really look forward to getting to know her better.
“So. I work until six on Saturday. You can pick up your glasses first, and then take me out. How does that sound?”
“Perfect,” I tell her, genuinely looking forward to next weekend.
It’s not for an hour after we all get home that I realize I haven’t finished Livvy’s other two letters from the past week. They don’t seem as urgent to me right now.
PRINCESS
As my family settles in to a night in front of the television, I glance around the room and smile. Sometimes it feels like I’m stuck inside some 1950’s family sitcom. I’m not used to life without dysfunction. I don’t miss it, but I do like a little excitement. A little unpredictability. A little edge on things. I need it to remind myself tha
t this may all be temporary. I don’t expect my mother to stay sober. It’s sad, but true.
“What are you reading, Jonny?” she asks. I glance down at the letter tucked inside a text I’d bought at the bookstore at the mall.
“The Pluto Files,” I lie. I look over at Will who’s next to me on the couch, and fully expect him to rat me out and confess that I’m reading her letters. He hadn’t spoken to me since we left the eyeglasses shop. I assume he’s still bitter about my interaction with Audrey. I never thought I’d be competing with my brother for a girl–not because he’s not a worthy opponent. I never thought I’d be approaching any girl other than Livvy Holland… and while he had met her multiple times–even though she’d been to our apartment–he still sees her as some sort of celebrity, clearly out of his realm.
“Is it something I’d like?” Mom asks.
“It’s about the celestial body Pluto, and how it got demoted to a dwarf planet.”
“So, no, then?”
I grin at her. “Probably not.”
“Can I read it when I’m finished with this?” Will asks, his finger holding his page in the large Douglas Adams book. He’s more than halfway through the five-book set, and that makes me proud.
“Sure thing,” I tell him. “The book, I mean,” I say softly just to him, just in case he happened to be referring to the letter from Livvy that I know he’s seen.
“I know,” he whispers, opening his book back up and putting on some headphones to block out the noise of the show Max had wanted to watch. Not having the luxury of headphones for most of my youth, I learned how to tune out my surroundings, no extra tools needed.
I love you, Jon.
I’ve always been my dad’s little princess. His Contessa. From the first time I met him until the night of your prom.
I distinctly remember that you chose to remain his princess that night as well, Liv.