I hurried back to the hospital, only to find that nothing had changed. Well, nothing that could be seen. The doctors told us that the swelling in Otter’s brain had gone down significantly, and that the plan was to send him through some diagnostic tests later that afternoon. They might have a better idea of any potential brain injury then, that the decrease in swelling was a good sign, that we should be excited at such a prospect. I couldn’t get excited. Not yet. Not until he opened his eyes. But I smiled with the rest of them, because I was the strong one. I told them all what great news that was, how relieved I felt. I hugged them in celebration. The rest came over from Mrs. Paquinn’s room and joined in the quiet victory.
I told them to go take a break. The Kid was at school, and I knew that he’d want to know, so I planned on calling the front office to see if they could pull him from class so I could talk to him for a moment, if he’d even take my call, given how angry he was that I’d made him go to class. Dominic had been invaluable in helping me with the Kid, and eventually he’d gone, grumbling, Anderson Cooper smiling off his backpack. I told him I would let him know once I knew anything further. He’d just scowled and walked away.
The others left, each of them touching Otter in some way, each of them touching me in some way. Alice was the last, and she leaned over and kissed her son on the forehead, and for some reason, this got to me like nothing I’d gone through in the past couple of days, and I had to fight to remember that I was the strong one, that I was the one in control. I smiled weakly at her when she kissed me in the same place, and when she walked out, I allowed a single tear to roll down my cheek. Any more and I would have broken.
I stayed strong.
It was only minutes later that my resolve was tested. I was in the middle of telling Otter that I’d decided he, the Kid, and I would take a trip once he got out of here, that maybe we could go to the mountains and get a cabin, or go to where the sea was warm and go snorkeling. Maybe skiing and sledding. Or to Disneyland. Or Disneyworld. Or someplace that he would be walking and talking around me, someplace where’d he’d say my name and make it sound like it meant something. I didn’t care where that would be, just as long as it happened.
A nurse walked in and changed everything. “Derrick?” she said quietly. “There’s a woman here to see you.”
I wondered briefly who it was, thinking maybe it was a representative from the auto insurance company, here to find out what was going on with Otter as I’d been ignoring their phone calls. “Who is it?” I asked, my voice rough as I started to rise.
“She says she’s… your mother? Julie McKenna?” I could understand reluctance, her hesitation. She’d heard part of our story, knew that the Kid was mine. This probably confused the hell out of her.
I sat back down. Hard. Unexpected, I thought.
Indeed, it replied, speaking for the first time in days. Do you remember what happened the last time she dropped by unannounced? You almost lost everything you had. Tell them to send her away. Tell them that you don’t have time to see her right now. You can’t be the strong Bear. Not all the time. Not now. You can’t handle this now. Tell them to make her leave, and we’ll worry about this another day.
I am strong.
I stood up. “Where is she?” I asked.
“In the waiting room,” she said, suddenly nervous.
“What?”
“Are… are you okay, Bear?” the nurse asked me, taking a step back. “You look… angry.”
I was surprised to find I was. I was the angriest I’d ever been. I realized that a red sheen had fallen over my vision and that my jaw was clenched, my hands in fists at my sides. If she’d come here to fuck with me, with us, if she’d come here to let me know she was going to fight the petition of custody, that she was going to tell me to end things with Otter because it was against her beliefs, that it was against God… well, she was going to find a whole different kind of animal in me. I didn’t give a shit about God. I didn’t give a flying fuck about her beliefs. I sure as hell didn’t care about her. As a matter of fact, I fucking hated her. I hated her with everything I could, a black and oily thing that curdled in my stomach and made it harder to walk out of the room.
I gripped Otter’s hand and leaned down and kissed him on the corner of his mouth, such a gentle kiss that it seemed to negate how my insides felt. “I’m strong,” I whispered to him, my lips still against his. “I’m strong and I will handle this. You… you need to wake up, Otter. Enough is enough, okay? It’s time for you to wake up. Come back.”
I was following the nurse before I could think further.
Well, at least she’s in the hospital already, it sighed. At least they’ll be able to treat her if you do what you plan on doing. Best place to attempt to commit matricide, I guess.
I ignored it because I was gone, at least for a moment, just enough time for me to remember when—
I REMEMBERED the last time I saw her before she left for good. I was seventeen—
almost eighteen birthday graduation oh my god it’s starting
—and I’d been getting ready for work. I’d been smiling more lately, catching my reflection in a mirror or window, seeing that smile, that grin, that knowing I had. I was about to be free. I was about to start my own life. I was about to go off and do whatever it was I’d always wanted to do. I worked my ass off to get to this point. I relied on no one but myself. I was going—
to leave the kid behind otter behind
—to finally be on my own, and I was excited and breathless. Scared out of my fucking mind, but nothing was going to stop me. Nothing was going to get in my way. Not Anna, who would watch me with those sad eyes of hers, telling me she’d hoped I never forget her, even though we were planning on staying together, both of us knowing somehow that those things don’t last. Not the Kid, who didn’t understand why he just couldn’t go with me. Not Creed, who was leaving anyways. Not Otter who….
Not Otter. It was easier to just think “not Otter.”
And most certainly not my mother. My mother, who scoffed at my plans, who told me she’d reserve judgment until I’d actually done something, until I actually followed through with my plans. “A writer?” she laughed. “No one makes any money being a writer, Bear. Jesus Christ, open your eyes. Not gonna happen.” I’d show her. I’d become what I wanted to be, become who I was, and she’d change her goddamn mind. She’d see I didn’t need her, that I never did. Once I graduated I was going to walk away and never look back. It was going to be all about me.
My birthday was the next day, and I graduated three days after that. I caught myself grinning again as I dressed for work. Only two more months, I told myself. Two more months, and you can even kiss the shitty job good-bye. Fuck the stupid grocery store, hello real world!
I walked into the kitchen, hearing the TV blare some documentary that the Kid had started getting into lately. I didn’t know why. He was just weird like that. I grabbed juice out of the fridge and was slightly startled when Mom walked in, fully dressed. It was eight in the morning. She was never up that early. And even stranger, she looked… aware. Like she knew what she was doing. Like she knew who she was. Like her brain wasn’t rattled in her head.
I felt brief unease.
“What are you doing up?” I asked her, not really caring for an answer.
“Why not?” she asked. Then she smiled. She never smiled.
“Right,” I said, wondering to myself if I’d have enough time to stop and get something to eat as there was nothing in the fridge. I reminded myself to bring something home for the Kid. He’d probably be starving by tonight.
“Have to do some grocery shopping today,” she said, chuckling as she watched me. “I’ll make sure it gets done. Is the PIN number the same on the debit card?”
I rolled my eyes. “You know I haven’t changed it. Well, you’d know if you actually went grocery shopping.”
I expected a cold rebuttal, but she just laughed again, her eyes dancing. The unease I felt tried to
morph into something more, but I shoved it away. I didn’t have time to deal with whatever she was on, which had to be the only explanation. “I gotta go to work,” I muttered at her, putting my cup in the sink. “Later.”
“Bear,” she said as I was about to walk out of the kitchen.
I stopped, but didn’t look back. “What?”
“I think things are going to get better from here on out. Just wait. You’ll see. I promise that things will be better.”
I fought the urge to turn and snap at her. I almost lost. But then I remembered that I was almost out of here, that what she thought wouldn’t matter to me anymore, that she could never hold me back again. “Whatever,” I said and walked out of the kitchen without looking back. “Later, Kid,” I said as I stopped near the living room. “Careful, Mom’s off her meds today.”
“Hurray,” he grumbled, his eyes never leaving the TV.
“I’ll be home tonight and we’ll hang out, okay?”
“Promise?”
“Yeah, Kid. Promise.”
“Okay. Bye.”
And I left.
I came home that night and found two letters, one to myself, one to Tyson. She’d left $137.50 in an envelope.
After that… well. You know what happened after that.
JULIE MCKENNA sat in a plastic chair in the waiting room, her eyes darting around nervously, her hands in her lap on top of a brown file folder. I felt a stutter in my step when I first saw her, and even though nothing much had changed about her appearance in the past few months, everything had changed about how I looked at her. Hurt and betrayal had been replaced by hatred and rage, and I did nothing to keep it from my eyes. My body was tense and tight, my hands in fists at my sides. I wondered briefly what would happen if I just punched her in the face. I’m sure I would have felt better, at least for a moment.
She finally saw me walking toward her, and I watched as she flinched away, almost cowering in her seat. She looked around as she licked her lips, as if making sure there’d be witnesses in case I did anything. She didn’t know that I was beyond caring. Let the people watch. Let them try and stop me. A person could do so much damage in the space of a few seconds if he was properly motivated.
The nurse hesitated for a moment before she turned and left us alone. My mother looked up at me nervously, and I knew she was waiting for me to take a seat. I didn’t sit. I glared at her.
Finally, she could no longer take the silence. “I know I’m probably the last person you want to see right now,” she said, her voice wavering.
“That doesn’t even begin to cover it,” I said coldly. “It’s taking all I have to not reach over and put my hands around your neck and squeeze the ever-fucking life out of you.”
Her eyes bulged. She looked around again. “Derrick—”
I leaned forward. “No one’s here to help you. Stop looking like you’re going to get rescued. If I wanted to do it, it would only take me a few seconds. Not enough time for anyone to stop me. Remember that. What the fuck do you want?”
Her voice is ragged. “I heard about Oliver and….”
“Really? And how did you hear that? How the fuck could you know anything about our lives?”
She wrung her hands in her lap. “If you could just understand—”
I shook my head once. “The time to understand is done. I no longer want to understand anything about you. The only thing I want in this world from you is for you to get up, walk away, and never look back. When you’re gone, you stay gone. You never contact me, you sure as shit never attempt to contact Tyson. I swear on all that I have if you’re here to tell me you’re fighting me for custody, I will make sure it’s brought out exactly what kind of mother you are. See how long you hold on to your daughter when I’m done with you.”
She looked terrified. “You wouldn’t,” she whispered. “I know you. You’re my son. You wouldn’t do something like that.”
I narrowed my eyes and sneered at her. “I would. If you try and take from me, I will take everything from you. You’re done trying to fuck with my family. The man I love is in there fighting for his life, and I’m no longer playing nice. I’m the strong one now. I am not your son. Tyson is not your son. You are nothing to us.” My voice wanted to break on this last, but I didn’t allow it.
“How is Oliver?” she asked, averting her eyes.
“None of your business. What do you want?”
“Bear, I—”
“Unless you answer the question, this is over. Last chance. I have better things to be doing than talking to a cunt like you. What do you want?”
Her hands trembled as she reached for the folder in her lap. She picked it up and handed it over to me. Her fingers touched mine as I took it from her, and she gasped quietly at the contact, but I ignored it. It didn’t matter. There was a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach, one that I knew would explode once I opened the folder. Everything was already collapsing around me. What was one more aftershock?
I opened the folder and didn’t understand.
“What is this?” I snapped at her, my eyes unable to translate the legalese in front of me. I wanted to go back to Otter and curl up next to him and forget about everything while I waited for him to wake up.
“I’m relinquishing custody of Tyson,” she said quietly. “I’m giving up my rights.”
I was sure I’d misheard her. I was sure that it couldn’t be true. She’d come back again and that only meant one thing: that she would try and take from me, that she would try and break me down. My hatred warred with rationality, and I couldn’t believe either side. I couldn’t make sense of which was right. I tried to read over the words in front of me, but I couldn’t string them together coherently. It can’t be this easy, I thought. It can’t. She’s made my life miserable anyway she can. It can’t be this easy.
Careful, Bear, it whispered. Even if it’s true, you don’t know what the cost will be.
“What do you want from me?” I asked harshly, not sure I was still in control. I’m the strong one. I have to be the strong one.
She shook her head. “Nothing. I don’t want anything from you.”
“Then that’s it? This… you just give up? I don’t fucking buy it. What do you get out of this?”
“Nothing,” she breathed. “I get nothing. I lose almost everything I love. I lose my sons. I lose you.”
“You lost us years ago. You lost us when you walked away. And now you have a daughter. A family. You have something that you had already given up. But you know what? So do we. We have a family. We have people that love us, that would die for us. We may be broken, we may be hurting, but you will never destroy us.” My eyes started to burn and my voice was like gravel, but I didn’t care. I knew, in my heart, that this would be the last time I would see my mother. That if what she’d given me was correct, that if she had signed over custody, then I would watch her walk away, and that would be it. It would be the end. And I still had questions.
“I know that,” she said, tears in her eyes. And wonder of all wonders, she looked like she meant it.
“If this is real, if you’re giving me Tyson, then you know you can never have contact with him again. If you do this, I will not allow you to see him again.” It almost sounded like I was giving her a way out, and while part of me was screaming for me to shut my mouth (why did I never shut my mouth?), the other, more feral part was gauging her sincerity, to make sure what she told me was truth.
She closed her eyes. “I know that too.”
“How?” I asked before I could stop myself. “How did you know about me and Otter? How did you know about San Diego? How did you know we were here?
“Bear, just let it go.” She was resigned, because she knew I wouldn’t.
“Tell me!”
“What would it change?”
The anger came flooding back. “Tell. Me.”
She glanced down the hallway as if gauging how far she’d make it toward the doors before I tackled her. She wouldn’t mak
e if far. I’d tear her apart piece by piece. Even though she said she was giving Ty to me, I didn’t trust her at all. I wouldn’t believe it to be true until I knew that no one could take the Kid away from me again. But then she said the one name I didn’t expect to hear, the one name I would never have guessed in a million years, and when I heard it, it became so furiously obvious that at first I thought it a joke.
She wasn’t joking. “Jonah Echols,” she said.
Jonah fucking Echols.
Ooooh, twist! it laughed. Didn’t see that coming, did you? Jesus, Bear, it’s so fucking obvious, and you’re just now figuring it out? Sometimes I wonder how you have such a narrow view of things. Christ, what else have you missed?
“Jonah?” I said incredulously. “Otter’s ex?”
A tremulous “Yes.”
“Bullshit.”
A firm “No.” A sigh. “He had a detective friend of his track me down.”
“Bullshit.”
“He found Frank first. He spoke with Frank and told him he would pay for our help. That he was pissed and wanted Oliver back and that he would pay if we could help him. He saw you, you know. One time. He said he came up here to speak with Otter, not long after Oliver left. He came to the Thompsons’ house and saw you two. Saw Tyson with you. Saw the way Oliver looked at you. He said he knew. He said he knew that the only way he could ever hope to get him back is if you two ended things.”
I was seething. “Bullshit,” I snarled. “Nobody’s that fucked up. Nobody’s that fucking melodramatic to think that they could pay someone off to break people up. That’s ridiculous. Tell me the truth.”
Her eyes flashed, almost in anger. “Frank thought it would be a good way to get some money,” she snapped at me. “The hospital bills from Isabelle were expensive, because there were complications from the birth. We were in debt, and Frank saw it as a way out. He said it was a good idea. And when Frank says to do something, I do it.”