It happens fast, but
My camera takes eight pictures a second.
In one nanosecond,
I see the beauty of being nine years old,
Without social pressures,
Worries, or
Problems, and
I can only hope my camera captures it.
“Liv-vy,” she whines.
“I wasn’t ready.”
“Done,” I announce,
Already removing the lens so
I can store it in my pack.
“I LOVE HER,”
I whisper to myself as I edit the
Photo of Rose.
Her fingers are still lingering
On her belt.
Her face is open,
Unsmiling, but
Absolutely pure.
Her hair is windblown and
Wispy—one hundred percent
Rose.
This is how I see my sister when
She knocks on my bedroom door and
Wants to read to me.
Or when she asks Dad if
She can swing in the backyard, or
When she runs to Gramma-Linda
For a hug.
I lean away from my computer,
Well-aware of
How much I love my little sister—
How I will always love her.
Maybe Gramma-Linda is right, I think.
Maybe Mom could love me.
“STUPID PHONE,”
I mutter.
I haven’t gotten a text from anyone in a couple of days,
Not even Jacey.
My phone’s on and
Working, but
There’s no new messages.
I consider texting Jacey
Just to see if she’s still alive after her midterms, or
Trevor
Just to see…something.
I tap on the phone’s camera and
Set it so I can see myself,
Trevor’s words echoing in my mind.
It’s been over a week since he said them, but
I can’t get them out of my head.
I study myself for a long moment before
Slamming the phone on my desk.
I want to text Trevor and
Tell him he had no right to lecture me about
Who I am or
What I want.
But that might be something Mom would do, and
I don’t want to be like her,
Don’t want to ruin one of the only good things in my life.
So I mute the notification sound on my phone and
Settle onto my bed with an old journal.
“LIVVY?”
Dad’s voice comes through my closed door
Later that night.
“Yeah,” I answer,
My fingers still flying through keyboard shortcuts
To erase Gramma-Linda’s few errant hairs,
To make the leaves less sharp,
To add clouds to the sky.
The door opens, and
He comes in.
“Have you got a minute?”
I pull my attention away from the photo
To focus on my father.
“Sure, what’s up?”
Dad fiddles with something in his pocket,
His eyes trained on the floor.
I snatch my camera from the desk and
Fire off several shots before he looks up.
Click, click, click.
His apprehension is as noticeable as
A scent on the air.
I set my camera on the desk
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, nothing.”
He smoothes his hair down with his hand, like
He can just as easily wipe away what he really wants to say.
“You’ve just been up here all day, and
Rose wants to watch a movie.”
“SIX PICTURES.”
I can’t believe my portfolio already has
Six pictures in it.
Three are of Trevor:
Resting on my couch,
Fishing off the dock, and
Leaning against that old kitchen table.
I’ve added The Innocence of Rose, and
The Elderly Watching Wind, and
A Concerned Father
To the mix.
They seem to fit together, but
Only to me.
The important people in my life,
I think, and
Immediately startle at the realization.
Trevor is important to me.
I close the folder housing the photos and
Reach for my cell phone.
He’s left me alone for long enough.
ARE YOU IGNORING ME?
I text him, then
Send the same message to Jacey.
I know they’re at Copper Hills while
I’m here, alone, and
Who knows what schemes they’ve been planning.
Neither of them responds immediately, which
Normally wouldn’t be suspicious.
But when I get nearly identical texts from them,
I suspect they’ve collaborated before answering.
Trevor: Of course not.
Should I be?
Jacey: No.
Why would I be?
I tap my phone against my palm,
Trying to figure out how to respond.
Me to Trevor: I haven’t heard from you
In a while.
Me to Jacey: I don’t know.
When will midterms be over?
Trevor: Are you saying you
Miss me?
Me: Yes. Wanna shoot this week?
I’m rewarded with a phone call.
“AM I HALLUCINATING?”
Trevor doesn’t even say hello, just
Launches right into his questions.
“Did you just admit to missing me?”
I can’t tell if he sounds hopeful, or
Not.
“You…might be hallucinating,”
I tell him.
“But I need more pictures for my portfolio.
I don’t have all year to finish this, you know.”
“Tell me when and where, and
I’ll be there.”
I know that’s not true.
He has football practice and
Weight-lifting
He can’t miss.
“Tomorrow?”
I bite my lip,
Surprised at how excited I am to see him.
My phone cuts out,
The indication that I’ve gotten a text.
I’m sure it’s from Jacey.
“Tomorrow, when
Tomorrow?”
Trevor asks.
“You tell me,” I say,
“I don’t know your schedule.”
“Yes, you do, Wings,” he says,
Real low, and
If I didn’t know better, I’d say
Flirty.
Maybe he is flirting with you.
My heart beat spikes, and
My chest feels cold inside.
“Six-thirty,” I say into Trevor’s waiting silence.
“I know you’ll be done with training by then, and
You’ll have time to shower.”
“It’ll be dark by then,” he says.
“Don’t you have a golden hour?”
“We can do some cool flash techniques
In the dark.”
“Sounds fascinating,” he says, and
I can’t quite tell if he’s being sarcastic or
Not.
“See you tomorrow at six-thirty.”
MIDTERMS ARE OVER TOMORROW,
Jacey has texted.
Come get me after school and
Let’s go get a caramel apple at
The mall.
Me: Can I take your picture?
Her: Um…why?
&n
bsp; I thought you were shooting Trevor
For the portfolio.
Me: I’m branching out.
I want you in the portfolio.
I need a good picture of her—
Not the lame one I took a couple of weeks ago—
So my portfolio will include everyone I care about.
It might not win, but
I don’t care about that
Anymore.
I want to create something beautiful, and
Meaningful
To me.
Jacey: He told me he asked you out.
Me:
Jacey: He said you said no.
He won’t give up, though.
I’ve tried to talk sense into him.
A little shiver runs up my neck because
Of her words.
Her: Liv?
Me: I’m here.
I take a deep breath,
My thumbs flying.
Me: Tell me what to do about Trevor.
“MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO OUT WITH HIM.”
That’s what Jacey said
When I called her.
“I can’t believe you just said that.”
“Well, what could it hurt?” she asks.
“It could…I don’t know.”
I moan and
Start plucking at my eyelashes.
I used to do that all the time when
I was nervous.
Seventh and eighth grade were the worst when
I was trying to fit in,
Trying to find the right friends.
Before I told anyone about
Mom and Darren Youngblood,
I was practically lashless.
It was Trevor who first noticed.
“Why do you do that?”
He’d asked me without
Any condescension in his voice.
When my mom caught me doing it,
She lectured me about maintaining my looks.
Trevor simply wanted to know.
I’d told him it was a bad habit,
Something I did when I was nervous.
He’d taken my hand in his and
Stroked his thumb over my wrist.
“What are you worried about, Wings?”
I shook my head, and
Lied. “Nothing.”
“Good,” he said.
“When you’re with me,
You don’t have to worry.”
Then he’d kissed me, and
I really did feel safe.
“OKAY,”
I say,
Forcing my hands away from my eyelashes.
“Say I go out with him.
Then what?”
“Then maybe you like it,” Jacey says,
“And maybe you guys get back together.
What’s the worst thing that could happen?”
WHAT’S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Runs through my head.
I hadn’t been able to answer Jacey, so
I told her I’d pick her up the next afternoon and
Hung up.
It’s the next afternoon, and
Her words haven’t left my brain.
I’m a few minutes late, and
Jacey’s waiting on the bench when
I pull into the pickup lane.
“Hey,” she says as she slides in.
She sighs and leans her head against
The back of the seat.
“I’m so glad midterms are over.
You’re so lucky you don’t have to deal with them.”
I think of Gramma-Linda and
How she showed up this morning
Thirty minutes early so
“We could make up for our lost day on Friday.”
That revelation had earned me a glare from Dad, and
Incessant begging from Rose to be homeschooled too.
“Yeah, lucky,” I say to Jacey.
We go to the outdoor mall,
Buy caramel apples, and
Find a shady spot under a tree so
I can make Jacey pose with her treat.
She has that same happy-go-lucky nature today that
She did at the Ferris wheel.
I realize now that Jacey
Is exactly as I’ve captured her.
Carefree,
Optimistic, and
Happy.
A thread of jealousy snakes through me.
I think of how I looked at myself
In the camera on my phone and
Couldn’t force myself to smile.
“So…Trevor,” Jacey finally says when
Her apple is almost gone.
“I’m shooting him tonight.”
I look into the horizon,
Not to see something awesome, but
To avoid looking at Jacey.
“What do you see when you shoot him?”
She asks.
I shrug. “Lots of things.”
“Like?”
“He’s funny,” I say, feeling a wave of adjectives come.
“Serious.
Smart.
Athletic.
Kind.”
I exhale, and it sounds like a wistful sigh.
“You know, he’s perfect.”
Which makes me wonder why
He wants to be with me.
Jacey’s eyes have gone wide.
“What do you feel when you’re with him?”
“Lots of…things.”
I pin her with a look that means
Don’t make me list them all.
She remains quiet for a moment, then
She says, “My best advice is to be spontaneous.
Don’t think, just react.”
HE’S PERFECT
Echoes through my head,
In my own voice.
I can’t figure out why he likes me.
I’m not very nice to him;
I’ve told him flat-out there will never be an us, and
Yet, he still calls,
Texts, and
Asks me out.
Why? I ask myself.
What does he see in me that I can’t see in myself?
“I KNOW I’M NOT EASY TO LOVE.”
My mother’s words.
She said them when she finally told the truth,
When Dad finally found out about her affair with Darren Youngblood,
When I finally told her I’d seen them at the dock.
She said those words to me.
Rose got, “I will always love you,” and
I got, “I know I’m not easy to love.”
Because I see so much of myself in her,
Those words transferred to me.
I suddenly felt like I wasn’t easy to love,
That maybe Mom felt that way about me, and
That’s why she needed more than the family she already had.
I haven’t told anyone this, but
I look at Jacey.
“Do you think I’m hard to love?”
I don’t look at her,
Can’t witness her reaction.
“Is that why you won’t go out with Trevor?”
She wipes her hands on her shorts.
“Because you think he can’t like you?
The guys gets a million texts a day from
A hundred different girls.
He ignores them all.
The only person he can think about is
You.”
Jacey’s words thaw a cold spot in my heart,
The one I’ve kept frozen for so long,
The piece of myself I’d given to Trevor a long time ago.
“If he wanted a girlfriend,
He could have one,” Jacey continues.
“I’ve seen the guy when he looks at you,
When he talks about you.
Trust me when I say he likes you.”
“But am I likeable?”
I meet her eye,
Feeling naked,
Exposed,
Without a lens to hide behind.
Jacey draws me into a hug.
“Of course you are, Livvy.”
“Then why did my mom leave?”
Jacey releases me,
Her eyes filled with compassion.
“Because she’s selfish, which
Has nothing to do with you.
Remember how you brought me my homework when
I had pneumonia?
Or when you made breakfast in bed for Rose when
She turned nine?
Or that you used to decorate Trevor’s locker on
Game days?”
She glances away,
Focuses on something else in the outdoor mall.
“You’ve just…lost your way.
It’s okay;
You’ve had a rough year.”
She pins me with a look.
“We’re just waiting for you to come back.
We know you will,
Eventually.”
I nod,
The only thing I’m able to do unless
I want to start crying right here in the mall.
Jacey stands up, like
It’s time to leave—
This conversation or
The mall,
I’m not sure which.
“Just because you can’t trust your mom
Doesn’t mean you can’t trust Trevor.”
I’M SORRY,
I text Trevor when I get home from the mall
Him: Why?
Me: You know, for being lost.
Him: We're still on for tonight, right?
I love that he doesn’t make me explain more,
That he doesn’t need further explanation.
Me: Yeah, if you still want to.
Him: Planning on it.
Him, a few minutes later: I am looking for you.
“DAD, I’M GOING OUT WITH TREVOR.”
I stop short when I realize what I’ve said.
Dad’s eyebrows go up.
“Wow, that didn’t come out right,” I say.
“I’m shooting him.”
I close my eyes and