Carl and Zane had argued again. Whether Carl’s move or the disagreement had anything to do with Zane’s trip, she didn’t know. She’d sensed from the first that Zane was keeping something from her. Something vital.
“I have to leave soon,” Zane whispered.
Lesley rolled onto her back. Zane had propped himself up on one elbow and was gazing down on her.
“I know.” Her heart ached, hearing the words.
“I’ll be back in a week,” he promised hoarsely. She snuggled in the warm shelter of his arms. He held her for so long, she feared he’d miss his flight. Then he kissed her tenderly, slipped out of bed and was gone.
The first day following his departure was the longest. Lesley ate dinner alone and then wandered outside, drawn to the viewpoint she loved so well. This was the very spot where they’d stood only weeks earlier and exchanged their vows.
Her misery had more to do with the secrets Zane refused to tell her. She felt at a loss as to how to read Zane. Although he’d never spoken the words, she knew he loved her. Her distress wasn’t entirely emotional. From the moment Zane had left, her body had ached with symptoms that resembled the flu. She couldn’t get enough sleep and yet no matter how many hours she spent in bed, she didn’t feel rested.
Mrs. Applegate noticed on the third day Zane was gone. “My goodness, look at you. I swear you’re as pale as mashed potatoes.”
Lesley managed a smile.
“What can I bring you for breakfast?”
Lesley shook her head. She had no appetite. “Not a thing. I think I’ll just have coffee and be on my way.”
“I won’t hear of it. Mr. Zane personally asked me to look after you. Now, I want you to make an appointment with your doctor and I want you to do it today.”
Lesley agreed, simply because it was less trouble to give in than to argue. By the time she arrived at her Chicago office, she felt even worse. The glass of orange juice Mrs. Applegate insisted she drink hadn’t sat well.
Her secretary, Alice Unger, followed her to her desk. “Are you feeling all right, Lesley?”
“I don’t know. My stomach seems to be a little queasy this morning. Would you see if you could get me an appointment with Dr. Wilson this afternoon?”
“Sure thing.”
A half hour later, her secretary informed her that there was an opening with the physician for three that same afternoon.
“I just don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she mumbled when Alice delivered a fax later that morning.
At three-fifteen that same afternoon, Dr. Wilson told her. “You’re pregnant.”
“Pregnant,” she repeated as if the prospect were highly unlikely.
“You were recently married.”
“Yes, but…”
“As I recall, you didn’t want any form of birth control.”
How a highly intelligent woman could overlook what must have been obvious was beyond Lesley. “I’m pregnant,” she repeated, her happiness spilling over. “You’re certain, aren’t you? There’s no mistake?”
“Not according to these results.”
She hugged the physician and laughed, her joy bubbling inside her.
“I take it you’re pleased with the news.”
“Ecstatic.” The only damper was that she’d have to wait to tell Zane.
Lesley drove home, singing to herself. She walked in the door, wearing a silly, happy smile and, found Mrs. Applegate dusting.
The housekeeper looked up, wearing a worried frown. “Did you see the doctor the way I asked?”
“I did,” Lesley said, hugging the older woman as she waltzed up the stairs.
“And?” The housekeeper braced her fist against her hip and stared at Lesley, silently demanding an explanation.
Lesley paused halfway up the staircase. “Zane and I are going to have a baby.”
“A baby?” The housekeeper, who’d been so astute about Carl and Candy, looked shocked with the news. “A baby,” she repeated. “Why, that’s wonderful news. I know Mr. Zane is going to be as pleased as punch.”
“I think he will be, too.”
“A baby is just what this house needs.”
Lesley couldn’t agree with her more.
That night, as she readied for bed, Lesley stood naked in front of the full-length mirror. She was going to have a baby. She pressed her palm against her flat stomach and sighed with a happiness too deep to express with words.
A new life grew within her. She closed her eyes, remembering the times they’d made love since their wedding night. Zane’s beautiful kisses, the tender way in which his body had loved hers. Together they’d created this baby.
How Lesley longed to share the news with Zane. He hadn’t phoned, not once. Each night she longed to hear from him, hoping he would call or text, but she’d heard nothing.
The day he was due back, Lesley didn’t drive into the office. She wanted to be there when he arrived home, wanted to rush down the stairs to greet him, wanted to throw herself into his arms, kiss him senseless and tell him about the baby.
The picture in her mind became reality early that afternoon. The instant she heard the airport limo, she flew down the stairs and outside. Zane had no sooner climbed out of the car when she shot down the porch steps and straight into his arms.
Her husband caught her by the waist and whirled her around.
Their kisses were frenzied and urgent.
“I take it this means you missed me,” he said, laughing.
“Yes. Oh, Zane, I have wonderful news.”
“Give me a chance to catch my breath, then you can tell me.” He tucked his arm around her shoulder and led her toward the house.
“Welcome home, Mr. Zane,” Mrs. Applegate greeted. Her eyes met Lesley’s, eager to know if she’d told him about the baby yet.
“It’s good to be home,” Zane said. If he noticed the silent signals between the two women, he didn’t comment.
“Not yet.” Lesley mouthed the words and the housekeeper nodded.
“You make yourself comfortable and I’ll bring you both in a spot of tea.”
“Excellent idea,” Zane said, taking Lesley’s hand and leading her into the library. “What are you doing home this time of day?”
“I couldn’t bear driving into the office. Not when I knew you’d be home any time.”
The moment they were alone, Zane hauled her into his arms and kissed her with a hunger that was close to brutal. With a low, moan. “I thought I’d go crazy without you,” he whispered. They kissed again, but were interrupted by Mrs. Applegate clearing her throat.
“There’s a nice man here who needs to know where you’d like these items taken.”
Zane propped his forehead against Lesley. “Have him bring them in here,” he instructed.
Lesley buried her face in his neck, but laughed as she overheard Mrs. Applegate explain to the limo driver that they were newlyweds.
Zane reached inside his jacket pocket. “I picked this up in a little jewelry shop in Paris. I hope you like it.”
Lesley’s gaze widened at the size of the emerald-and-diamond ring. “Zane,” she breathed softly. “It’s beautiful.”
‘Try it on and see if it fits.”
The ring was only the beginning of the things he’d bought her. There was a necklace to match the ring, a solid gold pen and lingerie that made her blush when she unwrapped it.
He brought chocolates for Mrs. Applegate and seemed embarrassed when the housekeeper got teary-eyed.
“I have something for you, as well,” Lesley told him.
“You said you had good news.”
“Sit down,” she said, directing him toward his favorite chair, next to the fireplace. When he was comfortably seated, she eased herself onto his lap. He leaned forward and kissed her with enough hunger and passion that she nearly forgot everything else.
“I had a hard time buying you that lingerie,” he whispered. “I’d imagine what you’d look like with it on and…shall we say, a
certain part of my anatomy found the image much too tempting to ignore.”
“Zane,” she admonished. “I’m trying to tell you something important.”
“Sorry. It’s just that it’s so good to see you.”
“I was sick while you were away.”
The laughter drained out of his eyes. “Sick. Did you see a doctor?”
“Yes, right away.”
“And?”
This was the moment she’d been waiting for. “And,” she said, struggling to hold her happiness inside her just a moment longer, “he told me the most incredible news. Oh, Zane, we’re going to have a baby.”
“A baby,” he repeated slowly.
He sounded as shocked as she’d been when Dr. Wilson had delivered the news.
“Isn’t it wonderful?”
“A baby,” he repeated. “That’s wonderful, Lesley.” She gave him an odd look. She would have staked her life that he’d be as thrilled as she was, but from the indescribable pain that came into his eyes, one would think this was the worst thing that could have happened to them.
Chapter Eleven
LONG BEFORE ZANE ACCEPTED a mission, he carefully calculated each aspect of the operation. He studied every minute detail, every potential for disaster. He accepted full responsibility for his men, drilled them on technique, and was known to be a stickler for detail.
With a history of such caution, it shocked him that he married Lesley with so little forethought. He’d gone into the marriage with his head in the clouds. He’d assumed he could live with her, make love to her and, when the time came, walk away from her and feel nothing.
In light of what he’d discovered in Paris, learning she was pregnant was a blessing. He had to leave her. God help him, he didn’t want to go, but he had no more excuses. To linger might put Lesley in danger. No longer could he rationalize staying with her.
In the past, dying hadn’t worried him. He’d flirted with danger most of his adult life, challenged the odds, stared death and deception in the face without a trace of reluctance.
It wasn’t dying that plagued him now, it was leaving Lesley and their child. He had to do it soon, otherwise he doubted that he could dredge up the courage to go. Courage. A trait he’d possessed in abundance until he met a warmhearted architect who loved him enough to look beyond his scars, beyond his faults, and selflessly offer him her love.
Zane experienced a deep, spiraling pain. He’d failed Lesley in so many ways. He had to tell her, had to give her an explanation, but he hadn’t considered that until she’d told him about the baby. He rubbed a hand down his face and leaned back in the leather chair as he contemplated the unpleasantness of the task. She deserved to know that when he left, it was highly unlikely he’d return.
Moonlight softly illuminated the library, casting golden shadows against the book-lined walls. Sleep had escaped him from the moment Lesley had joyously announced her news.
Zane realized his reaction had puzzled her. She’d thought he’d be happy, and he was, more than she’d ever realize. But the pregnancy was his signal. Mission accomplished.
“Zane.” His wife’s soft voice interrupted his troubled thoughts.
Zane glanced her way guiltily. “What are you doing up?” he asked.
“I was going to ask you the same thing. This is the third night in a row you haven’t been able to sleep. Is something wrong?”
“Not a thing,” he promised.
“I can’t help thinking—” she paused and yawned loudly, placing her hand in front of her mouth “—there’s something wrong.”
“There’s nothing for you to worry about.”
She yawned again. She needed her sleep, more now than ever. A fierce protectiveness stole over him. “You should be in bed.”
“I don’t sleep well when you’re not there.”
Soon he’d be gone forever, he reminded himself. She’d best adapt now. He stood to escort her up the stairs so he could return to his solitude. He wrapped his arm around her waist and she leaned her head against his shoulder.
“I’d like to ask something of you,” Zane whispered, pressing his head to hers. The thought of her driving into the city every day had plagued him from the beginning. “Now that you’re pregnant, could you work from home?”
“Here?”
“I know your job is important to you, and that you’re a vital part of the firm, but I’ve never been comfortable with you making the long drive into Chicago every day.”
“Others do it,” she protested.
“But no one else is pregnant with my child.”
She smiled softly at that. “I’ll need an office here at the house.”
“Make whatever arrangements you need.”
“I’ll still probably have to drive in a couple of times a week.”
“Fine, just as long as it isn’t every day.” They entered the bedroom and Zane pulled back the covers for her. When she stared up at him with round, pleading eyes, he knew he couldn’t walk away. A few minutes, he told himself, just a few minutes, and climbed in beside her.
As if by instinct, she snuggled into his arms, her head on his shoulder. “Are you sure you’re happy about the baby?” she asked in a voice that was barely audible, almost as though she were afraid of the answer.
“Very sure.” He pressed his palm against her bare abdomen. He meant it as a gesture of reassurance to prove the sincerity of his words. The backlash of sudden emotion ambushed him. His child grew inside his wife.
His child.
Zane had never been comfortable with emotion. For a good portion of his life he’d eliminated anything that had to do with feelings. Buried them. Ignored them. Denied them.
He’d gone into this marriage discounting any possible sentiment he might attach to Lesley or their child. He’d completely discredited the possibility of falling in love. Now he was left to face the overwhelming consequences.
He wished he knew the baby’s sex. He knew Lesley would delight in calling him a chauvinist if he confessed to wanting a son. At the same time he realized that it would probably be easier for her to raise a daughter since she would be alone. Of course, there was always the chance Lesley would remarry.
The shaft of sudden pain at the thought of another man taking his place in her life and bed, raising his child, was almost more than Zane could tolerate. His breathing shallowed as he struggled with the monumental task of contemplating this possibility.
“Is it your leg?” Lesley whispered, reaching toward his thigh. She mistook his emotional agony for physical.
He didn’t answer and allowed her to massage the muscles of his upper leg. Her stroking fingers had an instant and curious effect upon him. He swallowed, slowed his breath and grabbed hold of her wrist.
“Enough,” he told her between clenched teeth. It was agony sleeping at her side night after night, wanting her with a desperation that rocked him. He was afraid. A man who looked death in the eye feared a slip of a woman, feared his hunger for her would injure their child. He worried that loving her would forever mark his soul.
He felt her smile as she relaxed against him. “We won’t hurt the baby, you know.”
Zane gritted his teeth. Not with pain, but with the physical struggle necessary to resist her.
“We haven’t made love since before you went away,” she reminded him. This time, Zane hadn’t the strength to refuse her. He wanted to be gentle when he kissed her, but the ability was beyond him. His lips were hard and demanding, and her passion matched his. Gradually the kiss gentled as he plowed his fingers through her hair, loving the taste of her, exulting in the generous way she responded to him.
“You’re sure I won’t hurt the baby?” He needed reassurance as he gathered her body beneath his.
“Positive,” she whispered with a small, glad laugh. “Besides, it will please her mother a great deal.”
“Her?” he chided.
“All right…him.”
He kissed her again with an urgency that left hi
m weak.
“Zane, oh, Zane, what took you so long? I’ve missed you so much.”
For a long time afterward he held her. She fell asleep in his arms, her bare legs entwined with his. Again and again his hand stroked her hair as he contemplated the future and the monumental task of telling his wife he was leaving her and their unborn child.
Lesley had known something was wrong with Zane when they’d arrived home from their short honeymoon. A mysterious letter had awaited her husband, and from that moment forward, everything had changed.
Whatever was troubling Zane seemed to be linked to his secretive trip. Since his return, he’d been withdrawn and edgy. Depressed and miserable. He wasn’t sleeping well, either. Lesley had hoped he’d voluntarily tell her whatever the problem was, but thus far he’d been tight-lipped and uncommunicative. She wanted him to trust her.
His unexpected reaction to the news of her pregnancy continued to trouble her. She assumed he’d be as pleased as she was, but after she’d made the announcement, he’d barely said a word. He’d always been gentle with her, and was still. His thoughtful looks were often tender, but she had the distinct feeling he was emotionally detaching himself from her. Emotionally erecting a wall between them. Each day, it was an effort to scale the fortress guarding his heart.
Lesley needed to know what was happening. One thing was certain—she wasn’t going to hear it from Zane.
Carrying a glass of ice tea with her, she walked out to the viewpoint and sat gazing at the white-capped swells on Lake Michigan. Zane was gone for the afternoon. She hadn’t a clue where. All he’d told her was that he’d be away for most of the day.
Hearing footsteps behind her, she glanced over her shoulder to find Carl. Zane’s friend had moved into his own house a week earlier.
“Is Zane around?” Carl asked.
“He’s gone. I don’t know when to tell you he’ll be back.”
Carl nodded and would have left if she hadn’t spoken again, surprising herself with the abruptness of the question. “Why’s he doing this?”
Carl slowly shook his head as though he, too, couldn’t understand. When he spoke, his words were heated with frustration and anger. “It’s insane, I tell you.”