“Listen,” I said while the music still played. “I know this is a hard time for you but I promise you it’ll get better. I haven’t had much time to spend with you since the baby came to or even since Shannon and Angela came into our lives. I want you to know I am sorry about that and I promise to make it up to you.”
Emily swallowed hard. I could tell she was emotional but tried hard not to be. This must have been hard on her as well, I thought to myself. Always having to be the strongest.
She turned her head away. As she moved I could see her collarbone poking out and part of her bony shoulder. It made my heart jump. Had she lost even more weight? Or was it status quo? No matter what, she was too thin, it wasn’t healthy. I decided I needed to have someone professional talk to her when we got back. Shannon was right. She wasn’t well and needed help. So far I had believed it was going to pass on its own, that she would soon be eating ice cream with me again and pancakes in the middle of the night like we used to when it was just the two of us. But now I realized it wasn’t changing, it wasn’t getting better. This time I was going to do it. No more talk.
Jimmy Fallon came on and started his monologue. I sighed and leaned back in Emily’s bed, my head on her pillow. She lay down next to me, tucked herself close to me and as usual I fell asleep during the monologue, thinking it was good that some things always remained the same.
Chapter 81
May 2016
“We’re going to make you the perfect bride,” Sarah said.
She was holding Shannon’s dress on a hanger. Shannon had barely been done with her breakfast in the hospital bed when Sarah had stormed inside flanked by the tailor, a hairdresser and a make-up artist.
Now they were debating how to put on the dress with all the tubes, drops and bandages. Shannon was far from ready to get out of her bed yet. She could still barely move.
“I can open it in the side, then we slide it on,” the tailor said.
“But they need to be able to change the bandages,” Shannon said. “They do that three times a day.”
“So we do it right after they have done it next time,” Sarah said. “The wedding is at two o’clock. I have arranged everything with pastor Daniel. The nurses agreed to roll your bed to the hospital’s chapel and up the aisle. We have two girls as flower girls, Angela and Abigail while Austin will be with his dad, and he has the ring. Remind me I have to call them and make sure he has the ring. And your brother-in law, Jimmy will give you away. Did I leave anything out?”
“I think you got it,” Shannon said feeling tired already. Seeing the stressed out face on Sarah made her think that maybe Jack had been right. Maybe it was too early. Right now she really wanted a nap.
“All right, then,” Sarah said. “Let’s get her ready.”
Hands were all over her face and hair. They were pulling her up so they could wash her hair, then arrange it nicely and put flowers in it. Meanwhile the make-up artist did her work with brushes and sponges and soon Shannon was sweating behind all that glitter and concealer. It made her feel very uncomfortable.
Once the bandages had been changed, they pulled and pushed and slid the dress on her, Shannon crying out several times in pain, the nurses trying hard to prevent the tubes from falling out.
It was a lot of hassle, a lot more than Shannon had imagined, but when she saw the final result, she realized it had been all worth it. Sarah held a mirror to her face.
Shannon gasped and felt tears spring to her eyes.
“I don’t think there has even been a bride more beautiful than you,” she said.
“Wow,” Shannon said. She looked up at Sarah, her lips shaping a heartfelt “Thank you.”
“My pleasure.”
Sarah walked to the door and opened it. In trotted Angela and Abigail in their pink dresses, baskets of flower petals in their hands. Shannon couldn’t cry because of the make-up, but it was hard not to.
“You two look so pretty,” she said and kissed them as they approached her in the bed.
“You do too, mommy,” Angela said.
“Yeah. You can hardly tell that you almost died,” Abigail said with a shrug. “Except for the bed and all the drops, heh.”
Shannon couldn’t help laughing. Sarah grabbed her hand. “You ready?”
“You tell me,” Shannon said.
“I think you are. I say you’re more than ready. I just checked and everyone is set and ready in the chapel as well.” She turned to look at the girls. “All right girls. You’re up next.”
The two girls exchanged a glance, then opened the door and walked hand in hand down the hallway. Two nurses grabbed Shannon’s bed and started to roll it after them. Shannon entered the hallway, with a nervous tickle in her stomach. She could hear the wedding march play in the chapel at the end of the hallway. As the girls reached the entrance they started throwing flower petals. Kristi’s husband Jimmy was waiting for Shannon and as she came closer, he grabbed her hand.
“You ready?”
Shannon nodded and Jimmy handed her the bridal bouquet. He nodded at the nurses and they started to push. Slowly Shannon rolled up the aisle while the spectators turned to look at her.
This has got to be the weirdest wedding ever.
Chapter 82
May 2016
My legs were shaking. I watched as Shannon was rolled down the aisle and couldn’t hold back my tears. Even in her sickbed she looked so beautiful, stunning even. I couldn’t believe I was so lucky.
Next to me stood Austin in his small suit, looking all grown up and serious. Pastor Daniel was on the other side of me, ready to perform the ceremony.
Shannon looked tired but so very very happy. Emily stood with my mother and father and on the other side stood Shannon’s mother and sister. A small crowd of nurses and doctors kept in the background to watch.
I spotted Bellini and Nelson in the crowd. Bellini smiled and nodded approvingly. They were both nicely dressed up for the occasion.
Melanie Vann was there too, sitting by herself. Shannon had insisted on inviting her. It was only natural, I thought. The two of them had talked a lot since Melanie saved Shannon’s life and Melanie had visited Shannon every day in the hospital.
Shannon’s eyes met mine as she approached me, the young girls dancing and throwing petals on the floor in front of her. It was all a little odd, but also very beautiful in its own strange way. The girls looked so happy. They had really grown to love each other. I wondered for a second if bringing Betsy Sue in would change that. I hoped and prayed they would be able to get along. Betsy Sue was after all very different from the rest of them.
I heard Tyler’s small cry and turned instantly to look at him. My mother took him up from his cot and jumped lightly up and down, then when that didn’t work, she rocked him back and forth till he finally calmed down.
Shannon was disturbed by his cry as well. She looked in his direction, then back at me and I smiled from ear to ear. She smiled back and relaxed. Tyler was in good hands. She knew he was.
Finally Shannon’s bed was rolled all the way up to me and I grabbed her hand in mine.
“Hi,” I whispered.
“Hi.”
We faced Pastor Daniel who cleared his throat, then started the ceremony.
“Dearly beloved. We’re gathered here today to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony.”
I felt such a deep sensation of love for Shannon as he spoke the words to us. I couldn’t stop looking at her. She was so gorgeous and I was a very lucky man. It wasn’t the kind of wedding I wanted to give her, and it bothered me slightly, since I believed she deserved better than to be tied to a hospital bed on her wedding day, but I kept pushing the thought away. This was what Shannon wanted and when everything came down to it, it didn’t matter. Our love for one another was what was important.
Daniel turned to face me, then said:
“Jack, if you’ll repeat after me. I, Jack Ryder…”
“I, Jack Ryder…”
“
Take you Shannon King…”
“Take you, Shannon King…”
“…to be my wife, to have and to hold…”
“To be my wife, to have and to hold…”
“From this day forward…”
“From this day forward…”
“For better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.”
I took in a deep breath to say the last part, but as the first word left my mouth something happened. A noise coming from behind us that immediately stopped everything. The plump sound of a body falling to the ground. I turned to see what it was and spotted Emily lying lifeless on the tiles.
“Emily!” my mother shrieked her voice echoing eerily in the chapel.
Without thinking I turned and jumped towards her. I grabbed her shoulders, but she felt limp in my hand. I put a finger to her throat. “There is no pulse!” I yelled. “Oh my God! Please. Someone help her!”
Chapter 83
May 2016
“Her organs set out.”
The doctor stood in front me in the waiting room where we were all sitting, waiting for news about Emily. Shannon had been taken back to her room to get some rest even if she said she wanted to be with us, the doctor told her she needed to think about her condition.
“Her body couldn’t take anymore,” he continued.
Couldn’t take anymore. What is he saying?
“How long has she suffered form an eating disorder? She is severely emaciated,” he said.
“I…I knew she…I mean she…is she…? Will she be all right doctor?”
“She’s not out of the clear yet, but so far we have managed to get her heart back to beating again, yes. The next couple of days will show if she’ll push through. When someone starves herself like this at some point her body starts to eat of itself, so to speak. It starts to eat from her own organs. And once that process has begun it won’t last much longer before the heart can’t endure anymore. It’s been running on overtime for several months.”
I felt like screaming. I covered my face with both my hands. How could this have happened? How did I not see it? How did I not act?
After finishing up with the doctor I walked to my mother and sat down crying, my head on her shoulder.
“How could I have let this happen, mom? How did I not stop it?”
“We all saw it, Jack. The blame is as much ours as it is yours. We saw what she did to herself, but we didn’t do anything about it.”
“But she is my daughter, she is my responsibility, mom. I am the one who should have gotten her help. I am the one who should have reacted. I kept thinking it was going to pass, that she was going to get better soon. I kept asking her how she was and she told me she was fine. And then what? Then she was about to kill herself? Why?”
My mother stroked my face the way she always did when I was a child. “You must not blame yourself, Jack. We need to look ahead now and not back. Emily needs us more than ever.”
“What am I going to do if she dies? I have had her with me since she was six years old. I promised Lisa, I promised her, mom. I looked into her eyes as she was dying and told her I would take care of her daughter.”
“We don’t know what will happen, Jack. You have to keep cool. The young ones need you too. They need you to be strong. So does Shannon.”
Shannon. She told me something was wrong with Emily. She told me to do something about it. Why didn’t I listen?
I walked out of the waiting room and found Shannon in her bed. She wasn’t asleep, but had her eyes closed. She opened them when I entered.
“Jack,” she whispered. “How is she?”
I sat next to her bed in a chair and grabbed her hand. “They still don’t know. They got her heart back to beating, but don’t know if it has the strength to keep on, to keep her alive.” I looked into her eyes as tears sprung. I bit my lip in anger. “I failed her, Shannon. I failed Emily and her mother Lisa. I promised I would take care of her. She died right here in my arms, Shannon. She looked at me and begged me to take care of Emily. I failed her. I failed Emily and I failed you, Shannon. Look at you. I couldn’t protect you. Because of me and my job you’re in this bed, you almost died. Same for Tyler. All the bad things in our lives happen because of me.”
“That’s not true, Jack and you know it. Kimberly took Tyler because of me. Because of our family. It had nothing to do with you. Me getting hurt had nothing to do with you. I went in there alone because I thought I could save Tyler on my own. It wasn’t your fault. You saved all of us.”
I shook my head, crying. “I cause you nothing but trouble. You and the kids. I can’t offer you security. You deserve better than this.”
She grabbed my chin and lifted my head. “I’m a celebrity, Jack. I am used to being a target. I am used to insecurity. My life comes with huge risks too. But do we really want a risk-free life?”
I shook my head and wiped tears away in my sleeve. I pulled away.
“Don’t you give up on us Jack! We’re great together. We are good at taking risks together, Jack.”
I could see tears in her eyes as well and it made my heart bleed to have to do what I did next.
“Don’t you dare walk out on me, Jack!”
She was breathing through tears.
“I am sorry. I can’t…
“No, Jack, no, don’t…”
“I can’t marry you.”
I couldn’t say anymore. I couldn’t take anymore. No more being the strong one, no more taking care of everyone. I simply had to get away.
So I left.
I ran down the hallway, took the stairs to the lobby and ran into the street.
Chapter 84
May 2016
I grabbed a taxi and told the driver to just start driving. I just wanted to get away, and didn’t know where I was going. I asked him to drive me to the harbor, but didn’t want to get out when we got there.
“So where to now?” he asked.
I knew when I said it that it wasn’t the smartest thing to do given the vulnerable state I was in, but I also knew that it had earlier in my life provided comfort and made me forget when things got bad. I wasn’t a heavy drinker, so that was out of the question, but this provided some of the same for me.
It made me forget.
“Do you know where a man can get a good card game?”
The driver looked in his rearview mirror and his eyes met mine. I knew drivers like him always had a finger on the pulse and knew exactly where to find one, but I wasn’t sure he would give this information to me. Guys like him could smell a cop from very far.
“I think I know the right one for you,” he said and started the car. He drove me to a building, then dropped me off at the back entrance.
“The password is Black Jack,” he said out of the window as I paid him an extra bill for his help.
I got in only with a few suspicious looks, then sat at the table, a couple of guys on each sides of me. We nodded politely, but exchanged no other glances or pleasantries. This was our refuge, this was our hideout and we didn’t want to know anything about each other.
I was dealt my cards and placed my bet. My phone vibrated in my pocket and as I picked it up I saw it was Shannon. I stared at it for a few seconds, then decided to hang up. I removed the sound from the phone and put it back in the pocket.
“Hit,” I said and the dealer gave me another card.
“Bust,” the dealer said and removed my cards and my money.
Someone brought me a drink, bourbon, and I drank it while loosing a few times more, before I started to win. Three rounds in a row soon made me excited and I bet more money.
Hours later I was getting drunk and had lost a lot of money. Yet I still believed I could get my winning streak back, so I continued, not caring if I lost everything. I had forgotten the world outside this room and that made me feel good.
Until around one in the morning when someone entered the room and sat down ne
xt to me. I didn’t turn to look at first, not until she placed her bid and I saw her ring.
I sighed and finished my drink. Seconds later a new one was planted in front of me. “How’d you find me?”
“Being a law enforcement has it perks. You know that,” Bellini answered.
“You tracked my phone? I knew I should have shut it of.”
“Well maybe you wanted me to find you.”
“Very funny,” I said.
“So Black Jack, huh? What have we got?” Bellini asked.
“A ten and a five and a guy who feels lost.”
“Well do you feel lucky today?” Bellini asked.
“Not really.”
“I do.” She looked to the dealer. “Hit him again.”
A card landed in front of me.
“A five. See I told you. You are lucky,” Bellini asked. “He stands.”
I exhaled and leaned back. “Listen. It’s nice of you and all to come down here. But I’m not in the mood for all this.”
Bellini nodded. “Okay then let me be frank with you. You listen to me, Ryder. You have a good thing there at that hospital. A very good thing indeed. Don’t throw it away.”
“They’re better off without me, believe me.”
“Don’t be one of those guys, Jack. Pity will get you nowhere. You have to choose in life, my mother always said. You can be pitiful or powerful, you can’t be both. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. It’s really unsexy, Jack.”
I looked at Bellini. The corner of her mouth ticked upward in a fleeting movement you couldn’t really call a smile. There was a flicker of an eyebrow that might have been approval.
“What?” she asked.