“I don’t want to see him again until he finds his fuckin’ balls.”
“He’s our brother, Cas.”
“Not until he starts acting like it,” I snarl and snatch a bottle of whiskey from the bar.
Slade puts his hand on my shoulder, I shrug him off and back away. I take the stairs up to my old room and lock myself inside. I fall onto the couch and slump my boots on the small table. I twist the cap off and take a long, long drink.
Fuck the whores who abandon their kid and fuck the brothers who can’t handle making a decision.
Fuck everything.
Chapter Six
Sparky
Rain begins to fall as I ride through the gates, and the brewing storm matches my mood. I should be at home with Bonnie, still in bed, but one call from Slade and I want to commit murder. I want to go back in time and stop Jacqueline from showing up in Willows Peak. If Cas really wanted to find her, he would have, and he wouldn’t have quit until he found her.
Now she’s here and I don’t know how to handle him. We’ve been through so much and I could always second guess his moves, what he’s thinking, how he’s going to handle shit, but this, fuck knows.
I make it inside before the rain really begins to fall, and head up to Cas’s old room.
Slade is relieved to see me and steps back from the door.
“How long has he been in there?” I ask, as I join him.
“Since last night, he’s not answering to me knocking or his phone.”
“He isn’t answering Lana either?” I frown. No doubt she has been calling him.
“I called her before you got here, she hasn’t heard from him since yesterday morning.”
Fuck, this isn’t good. If he isn’t keeping Alannah in the loop, we’re all fucked. I bang on the door until the wood nearly splits beneath my fist. There’s no answer.
“Cas?” I bark out, banging again.
Still, no answer. He may be pissed with me, he may tell us to fuck off, but until I lay eyes on him and see for myself he’s okay, I don’t give a fuck.
“Step back.”
Slade moves clear of the door and after three attempts, I kick it in and Cas is comatose on the couch. I kick an empty bottle of whiskey out of the way as I cross the room and crouch beside him.
“I can’t remember the last time I saw him like this,” Slade says.
“Cause he hasn’t been drunk since before he became president. He said, you’ve always got to be in control.”
“He’s clearly not in control now. He walked Dex out of the club yesterday, he told him he isn’t allowed back till he, and I quote, finds his fucking balls.”
“He what?”
What the hell did I miss? I stay home for one day and it all goes down in my absence.
“Dex had been drinking and he was losing his shit over Melissa. Cas didn’t have any patience with him, like, none at all. I haven’t seen him like that before. Considering what Dex has done for him, you’d think he’d be a little more considerate towards the guy.”
This has to be down to Jacqueline’s arrival. I watched Cas fight his abandonment issues for years until he found a family with Alannah. Jacqueline showing up is fucking him up and it kills me to witness it. Cas doesn’t lose it with a brother when he’s in need. This needs to stop now.
“Go, get him some coffee.”
He does as I ask, and I try to wake Cas. Nudging him and calling out his name doesn’t work, I resort to harsher means and slap him across the face. He soon fucking flutters his eyes and groans, “Fuck off.”
“Is that anyway to speak to your old lady?” I lie.
His eyes snap open and he jolts up, resting on his elbows. He’s relieved when he doesn’t see her in the room.
“Fuckin’ liar,” he snaps.
“It got you up though,” I snap back, “What’s going on with you?”
“I wanted a drink, so I had a drink. So, what?”
“So, what? You’re not a drinker. This isn’t like you.”
He snorts and heaves himself up to sitting.
“What am I like? Who am I really?”
“You’re Castiel Jackson, president, husband, father, brother, do I need to go on?”
“Gregory.”
“Huh?”
“That was going to be my name if she kept me. Gregory Morris.”
His hands are shaking as he digs out a cigarette from the pack he fell asleep on and he can’t catch a flame on the lighter.
I take it and light it for him. This is affecting him much more than he let on when she showed up.
“Who would Gregory Morris be?”
I’m not going to let him lose himself.
“He wouldn’t be married to Lana, I doubt he’d even know her. He wouldn’t be a daddy to Leo and he wouldn’t be my brother. Don’t start doubting who you are now because you love your life. You needed her as a boy, but like fuck do you need her now. You’re still the man you are now because of her, don’t forget that when you’re drinking and ignoring the only people who have been there for you and always will be.”
He sits there staring at me as if he is looking straight through me. I can’t get a read on him and that’s a first.
“Are you hearin’ me, brother?”
He leans forward, his movements are slow, and I doubt he can see straight.
“Everything I’ve ever known could change, which isn’t much, but what I do know I have clung onto for the tiny scraps of solace it brings me. My head won’t stop spinning and I can’t deal, Sparky.”
The last time I heard pain in his voice is when Hunter Carson took Alannah and Cas saw her hanging from the rafters.
I rise to my feet and offer my hand to help him up. He’s unsteady at first, but then he rights himself and brushes me off. His legs go from beneath him, and he lands on his ass.
“How much did you drink?” I ask, helping him up again.
“Not enough if I’m awake now,” he grumbles.
“Come on, let’s get you home.”
This time, I help him to his feet and keep my arm around him for support.
“Don’t worry, brother, I’ve got you,” I tell him and walk him outside. I quickly scan the cars parked and head for the truck I know always has its keys in the ignition.
Dumping his heavy ass in the passenger seat, I round the truck and climb in behind the wheel.
I drive as fast as I can and neither of us say anything. If Cas unravels any further, it won’t be good for the club and the brothers need stability now. Alannah is waiting on the porch and she looks pissed. I’ve been on the receiving end of one of her pissy moods and this is worse, because he’s her husband and ever since Oak was taken and came home dead, she gets paranoid when Cas doesn’t check in.
“You should’ve left me at the club, if I don’t make it out alive, I pass my patch to you,” he laughs.
“You’re not funny, brother. Talk to her, she’s probably the only one who can help you figure this out.”
He makes some sort of noise from the bottom of his chest and opens the door.
I watch him walk over to his wife and reluctantly she goes to him and helps him inside the house.
I promised her I’d always bring him home to her, it was an easy vow to keep because besides me and his brothers, she’s the one he needs as much as us.
Cas
I can’t open my eyes as I lay on the couch, the light burns too much, but I can hear Leo playing in the back yard, and I can a feel a breeze giving me a chill, so I’m picturing Alannah standing by the doors watching him while waiting for me to get up.
“You should’ve called,” she finally says.
“I know.”
“Do you?” she yells, and I manage to open my eyes and look at her standing three feet away from me, “Do you remember the last time I didn’t answer your calls? It was when Hunter had me. Do you remember when Oak didn’t pick up your calls?”
Sighing, I sit up and guilt manages to squeeze through the al
cohol haze and sets in.
“I didn’t mean for you to worry, I drank too much and passed out.”
“Meanwhile, I’ve had no sleep because I’m imagining all sorts.”
“One of the brothers would’ve called you, you would’ve known I was in my room…”
“Oh, your room? Not your ‘old room’, as you’ve called it since we moved out of the clubhouse. Of course I was told you were there.”
Something she said isn’t sitting well but it’s taking longer than usual to work it out.
“Hang on, if you knew I was in my old room, why would you be imagining all sorts? What the fuck was you imagining?”
She turns away from me and goes back to standing by the doors.
“Babe?”
She continues to avoid looking at me, and I start to feel paranoid. Using every ounce of strength I have, I push up and go over to her.
She still refuses to look at me, so I turn her around to face me.
“You’ve never kept anything from me, what were you thinking?” I demand to know.
She finally drags her gaze up to look at me and I can’t work out what’s going on behind her eyes. Whatever it is, she’s worried to tell me.
“Firstly, I couldn’t sleep because you didn’t come home so I was awake all night wondering why you wouldn’t open the door to your brothers when you’ve never done that before.”
“So, you thought, what?” I urge.
“I wondered why you didn’t want anyone coming in and came to the conclusion that you might not have been alone.”
Her words are a punch to my stomach. I step away from her and try to fathom what the fuck is going on.
“Is it so unbelievable that after everything that’s happened I wanted to escape in the safety of the club for one night? The first thing you think of, is I’m betraying you?”
The anger returns and consumes me.
“How could you? I haven’t given you a single reason to doubt me.”
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have gone there, I don’t know why I did.”
Her apology means shit to me. I backtrack to the table and reach for my smokes.
“Just so you know, I’m going for a smoke, alone.”
The bitterness oozes from me and I slam the front door on my way out. I can’t believe what I’ve just heard. My love for her doesn’t know any bounds, hell, I don’t understand just how much most of the time, but I feel it and it overwhelms me how much I love her.
I light a cigarette and start walking up the drive. I need to put some distance between us before I say or do something stupid.
Only, I don’t stop walking. What the fuck is happening to us? We don’t fight, and I’ve never walked out on her before. I should turn around, but I can’t stop, not until this anger fades away.
Chapter Seven
Alannah
I haven’t needed to use Slade’s magic tricks in a long while. Today, I need him. I scroll through my phone book and stop at his name and pray he isn’t anywhere near Cas.
“What can I do for you, Alannah?” he asks, picking up on the second ring.
“Is that woman still staying at the motel?”
“As of yesterday, she’s paid up for another week.”
Cas will know this and instead of telling me, he’s pulling away. He went for a cigarette yesterday and didn’t come back. I watched him walk up the drive and thought he needed some space, that he would have a smoke and come back, so we could work out the crap I said, but he kept walking and I haven’t seen him since. He’s never done this before and I’m laying the blame with this woman who claims she’s his mother.
“What room is she in?”
“Room four.”
“Thanks.” I go to end the call when I ask, “Is Cas at the club?”
“Yeah, he’s drinking again, but we’re keeping our eye on him.”
This time I do end the call and throw my phone in my purse. Cas doesn’t get drunk, he processes and plans for a solution. This woman is putting him through his own personal hell again and I’m not going to let him sink any further.
I shouldn’t have doubted his loyalty, he hasn’t ever given me a reason to doubt him since we got together but I guess Danni has always been hiding somewhere in the back of my mind and the first time he hits trouble, she pops out and images from that night resurface.
I know my husband, he can fight against anyone and any threat, but his mother has always been the one place he couldn’t go to.
I throw open the door and climb out of the car. I head for room four and knock quickly.
It isn’t long before the door opens and there she stands before me, the woman who caused my husband years of pain by leaving him alone and defenceless on the steps of a church. She doesn’t look anything how I imagined, I expected her to look older, to actually look like a woman in her fifties, but she doesn’t look a day over forty-five. She has dark hair like Cas, and her eyes are the same deep brown pools of chocolate like his.
She looks nervous and looks out behind me. I manage to keep my protective anger reigned in and I don’t wait to be invited in.
“Don’t be afraid of me, we’re family after all, aren’t we?”
She shakily nods her head and closes the door. She darts across the room to her purse and pulls out a pack of smokes and a light. She offers me one and I raise my eyebrow.
“No thanks, it’s a disgusting habit.”
“I’ve been smoking too long to quit now.”
“It’s never too late, as you seem to be proving by showing up in Cas’s life now,” I quip.
I can see Cas in her and it disturbs me. The olive tone skin, the dark hair, and brown eyes, it’s uncanny.
“There were many, many women before me that Cas had been with, but none of them could hold his attention or gain his trust. He used them for his own pleasure and nothing else. I, however, I could see and feel his sadness that he thought he was hiding so well. I made it my mission to make him smile. Because of you, he couldn’t understand what love was when he first felt it.”
Shame heats her cheeks and her hand shakes as she puts the cigarette to her mouth.
“My husband isn’t one for opening up and talking to strangers, you are not his wife or one of his brothers, he won’t let you in and your presence is changing him because you’re confusing him. I won’t let you destroy the man I love. Tell me why you’re here after nothing for years?”
She hasn’t stopped shaking since I arrived, and she sits down, stubbing her cigarette out in the ashtray. It’s overflowing with butts where the rest of the room is neat and tidy. It’s spotless.
“That answer is for Castiel only.”
“My first piece of advice for you, he doesn’t like going by his full name, it’s Cas.”
“Help me with him, get him to talk to me, I can explain everything to him,” she pleads.
“There are two things I know about his childhood because he doesn’t talk about it. One, he was abandoned on the steps of a church and secondly, he never had his photo done on picture day because he knew nobody wanted them. Why should I help you? You’re the one who taught him what loneliness is, why he bounced from home from home not even receiving a single cuddle, why he believed all women were whores who only looked out for themselves.”
She starts to sob and I’m glad. I’m happy to see her hurting for what she’s done.
“I did it to give him a better life, so he would know love and tenderness,” she wails.
So, her guilt is how I can get through to her. I dump my purse on the bed and walk over to her. I wrap my arms around her and she leans in to my hold.
“I was the one who held him with pure affection for the first time. Because of you, no one loved him until me. He was always alone,” I push her further with the truth.
Her sobs grow heavier, and she pulls away from me.
“I wanted him to be safe…”
“Safe from what?” I urge.
“From me…and his father.”
>
My heart races as the information pours from her in between her sobs.
“Why wouldn’t he be safe with you and his dad?”
She’s too overwhelmed to answer, and she doesn’t look at me. Her lips mash into a thin line and I’m not getting any more out of her.
I spot a notepad and pen on the night-stand and collect it as well as the bundle of twenty thousand dollars I took from my own personal stash at the house from my purse.
“You’re going to write down exactly what happened from the moment you found out you were pregnant to the moment you left him. Then, you’re going to take my money and you’re going to leave and never show your face here again.”
This snaps her out of her pity party for one and she scrubs her face until the tears are no longer there.
“I’m not leaving him again, keep your money, you couldn’t pay me enough to go.”
This is unexpected. She becomes stronger before me and for the first time since I arrived, her hands are steady.
“You sound so sure you’re not going to leave him again,” I muse quietly.
“I’m not going anywhere,” she repeats, “I’ve waited years for this moment, no one is going to stop me.”
Huh, I step closer and she stands tall.
“He told me you went to the club, do you have half a clue what your son is about? Do you realise who he is?”
She shakes her head, but her answer contradicts her head shake.
“I can guess, yes. I’ve been watching him for a while, I know he’s their leader. He’s strong, and that makes me happy.”
“Okay, you stay, and you see how far you can push him. But I’m warning you, if you push him too far, I will stop you and believe me, I will fucking stop you.”
We both stand there, staring each other down.
“I believe you,” she finally says, the first one to back down.
“Good, come with me.”
I grab my bag on the way out and I can smell her perfume lingering closely behind me as she scampers over to her car parked next to mine.
I can’t believe this woman gave birth to the man I love and then left him. As much as I want to hurt her for everything she never done for Cas, and everything that happened to him, I can’t. She could finally bring him some peace that only she could ever bring him.