It sobers me up real quick and I fall back against the bed.
Chapter Eighteen
Cas
“If you want to die, don’t you fuckin’ dare put it on our brothers like that,” I growl.
“Cas,” Sparky warns.
I ignore him and pull my gun from my cut pocket.
I force Dex to hold it and keep my hand wrapped around his, so he can’t drop it.
“Or is it me you really want to shoot? I mean, it was her or me that night and you chose me.”
Using every ounce of strength I possess, I force the gun in his hand up to my head and rest it against my forehead.
“What the…Cas…stop this, now,” Sparky urges me, coming up beside us.
“No, Dex has to make up for his mistakes. He regrets killing her, he won’t feel better until I’m gone…”
“That’s not what this is,” Dex shouts.
“What the fuck is it about then?” I yell back in his face, “You vowed to protect the club, and you did. You protected me. If you can’t handle that, fucking shoot me. Get it over and done with so you can move on,” I scream until my throat burns.
The barrel of the gun digs into my skin and I feel nothing. Maybe this is how it was always meant to play out, I wasn’t meant to die that night, because I’m meant to die tonight.
“I swear to fucking god, if you two don’t stop this now, I will kill you both myself,” Sparky murmurs.
“What’s it gonna be, Dex?” I growl.
Instead of answering me, I see the moment he breaks completely. Heavy tears roll down his cheeks and his body goes limp. I let go of his hand and drop the gun to the floor.
He falls on his back and the adrenaline drains from me and I fall back against the bed.
Sparky shakes his head and slyly kicks the gun away from us.
“I need a fuckin’ drink, try not to shoot anyone while I’m gone,” he mutters, leaving us alone.
“Today, I tried to get us earning again, put us on the right path. The club is only as strong as the brothers who are the foundation, you’re a weak link, brother, and I can’t have that. I owe you my life, but I’m not going to keep babysitting you while you cry over a decision you made.”
Climbing to my feet, I’m over this.
“Give me your key for this room.”
Sitting up, he digs the key out of his pocket and passes it over.
“Decide what you want, Dex and decide soon. Until then, I’m not letting you out of here.”
Leaving him on the floor, I close the door on him and lock up. Sparky rounds the top of the stairs with a couple of beers in his hands. I take one from him and take a long pull.
It’s nowhere near strong enough for me, but I drink it regardless.
“Don’t look so worried, he’s fine. He’s having a timeout to think on what he wants.”
“Cas, that was fucked up. I don’t know who I’m more worried about, him or you.”
“Me? I’m fine.”
“Yeah, so you keep saying.”
Taking the second beer from him, I head downstairs and throw Dex’s room key on the bar.
“One of you go and sit outside Dex’s room, don’t let him out unless I say to.”
I carry on past the pool table and fall onto one of the couches. Niall has already moved on from the scene outside and is occupied with one of the club girls grinding away on his lap.
Drinking from his bottle of beer, his eyes concentrate on the girl, he watches her closely and likes what he sees.
I’m not jealous, but I remember a time where I had nothing to do but enjoy life with a beer in my hand and a woman on my lap. What the fuck is life throwing at me?
“Alannah stopped by to see Kris earlier, she looks like shit. Is everything okay?”
I roll my head to the side and Slade is now sitting beside me.
“I don’t know.”
It’s the truth and I can’t be assed to keep up pretences anymore.
Looking at my brother, I realise he’s the only one out of him, Sparky and me that grew up with a mom.
“What was it like having a mom at home when you were a kid?” I ask, taking him by surprise.
“I’ve never thought about it, it was what it was,” he shrugs.
“What’s it like as an adult? Do you need her for anything?”
It’s not like he needs to depend on her at his age.
“You could answer that question yourself if you got to know your mom,” he throws back at me.
“I’m too old for that now.”
“Not that I’m a mumma’s boy, but you’re never too old for a mom.”
“You’re such a mumma’s boy,” Sparky throws at Slade as he catches the end of the conversation joining us.
“Did you hear what happened out front not that long ago?” Sparky asks Slade.
He shakes his head, “I just got here, I stopped by my place on the way home.”
“Dex tried to shoot himself, not that I think he would’ve done it. I think he needs more of our help after Melissa.”
“So, he’s okay, and alive?”
“For now, Cas has him locked in his room for the time being.”
“What the hell is happening around here lately?” Slade murmurs.
Sparky looks to me and I look away.
I can’t handle his input.
I’m doing shit the way I think it should be done.
Chapter Nineteen
Alannah
Cas hasn’t been home in days. I can’t go to bed alone and not knowing where he is again tonight. It’s physically draining me, and I’m fed up crying over this. My understanding can only stretch so far.
“Dad, dad, dad,” Leo chants from his seat in the back, recognising the club as I drive through the gates.
The sun is beginning to set, and the sky is a mixture of oranges and pinks. It’s beautiful. What I wouldn’t give to be up there instead of down here in the unknown.
“Dad, dad, dad.”
“Yes, daddy is here,” I say, looking over to Cas’s bike parked up in his spot.
I don’t bother grabbing my purse off the passenger seat, it’s not like anyone is going to steal it here and I climb out of the car. Swinging the back door open, I unbuckle Leo from his seat and find my heart is racing. I haven’t been nervous to see Cas in a long time, and I am today.
Keeping Leo in my arms, I walk into the bar and look around for my husband.
“Daddy!” Leo yells, looking straight at his dad.
Sitting with Sparky and Slade, the man I promised to be loyal to softens for a brief second and I take it as a good sign this can be sorted between us.
He doesn’t take his eyes off me as I walk towards him and he acts like a prick and says nothing when I stand in front of him.
“We need to talk in your office,” I tell him.
He still doesn’t say anything.
“I will talk here if you don’t move,” I warn him, and hate that my voice wavers at the end.
I lower Leo to his feet and point him towards Sparky.
“Go see Uncle Sparks, Leo.”
Cas still hasn’t moved, and he watches Leo toddle over to Sparky.
“I swear, Cas, I will start talking right here in front of everyone.”
I turn my back on them all and head for his office. I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t follow me. This is new terrain in our relationship. The last time he fucked things up, I walked in on him fucking someone else. We’ve grown up since then, I’m worried about a lot more than him cheating on me because I don’t think he would, not now, no matter what dark place our marriage goes to.
I stand by the window in his office and it’s a lot darker outside now and the beautiful pinks have been swallowed by the night.
“Before you say anything…”
“Can you even guess what I’m here to say?” I ask, cutting him off.
He leans against the door and lights a damn cigarette.
“That you saved mo
re money, and you offered it to Jacqueline to leave town?”
“Wow, how childish,” I spit, and remember I’m here to sort this out.
“I’ve been sitting at home wondering when you’re coming home, you left the wedding and I haven’t seen you since.”
“Have you been worrying I’ve been with someone else?”
“Of course not, I apologised for that. Cas, come on, please talk to me seriously. You can’t keep running from me because I messed up…”
He springs away from the door and gets in my face. Every step I take back, he matches it until my back hits the wall.
“Messed up?” he growls, so close I can feel his breath on my face.
“Back up, Cas.”
“You couldn’t give me time to figure out what I wanted to do, how do you think I would’ve felt if she had taken your money and left town?”
Oh no, she didn’t take it so there’s no point in fighting about it any longer.
Shoving at his chest, I push him away when he won’t move.
“How the hell am I supposed to know how you’re feeling when you don’t come home?” I yell at him.
“Why would I come home when all I get are lies?” he yells back, “I trusted you and you let me down. Out of everyone, you were the only one I trusted.”
He’s talking in the past tense. Cracks begin to splinter in my heart and the anger I held has now turned to sorrow.
“I done it for you.”
“I didn’t ask you to.”
He stubs his cigarette out in the ashtray on his desk and while his back is turned, I cross the room to the door.
He moves faster than I do and blocks the exit.
“You wanted me to talk, babe, I’m not done.”
“Get out of my way, Cas.”
I don’t know this man before me.
“You’ve already made your mind up, I know how you treat people who break your trust so I’m getting our son and taking him home.”
His shoulders sag and he frowns.
“What do you think I’m going to do to you?” he asks, softly.
“Right now, with how you’re being, I really don’t know,” I tell him, and I know it hurts him, but it’s the truth.
I know him too well, and as much as he loves me, even I can only push him so far.
He isn’t a complex man, but he can be confusing.
He steps towards me, and I move to the side.
“I don’t know what’s happening to us, or if we can be fixed, but I want to go home, now.”
I don’t wait for him to move, I push by him and open the door. I wipe my eyes dry in the time I leave Cas and walk into the bar. Sparky is throwing Leo around, making him laugh and stops when he sees me.
“You okay?” he mouths as I hold my arms out for my son.
Shrugging my shoulders, I don’t stick around. It’s gone too quiet for me to leave unnoticed, and it’s mortifying.
Keeping Leo close to me, I walk out and put him in his seat. I came here to sort it out, and now I’m leaving feeling like my marriage is over.
“Alannah.”
I’m surprised to see Cas has followed me out. Clicking the last belt into place, I close Leo’s door and open mine.
Before I can climb in and close him out, he’s blocking me again, and reaches out for me.
I step back, and he flinches.
“I may have gone behind your back, but I was always at your side. I would’ve stood beside you till the day I die, but I’ll never stand for you being spiteful to me and not coming home. That’s not a marriage I’ll stay in. Figure out where we go from here and let me know, I’m done chasing you just to be treated like I’ve never meant anything to you at all.”
He closes the gap between us, but his touches and whispers can’t fix this. “Since you’re more than comfortable sleeping here, I don’t want you coming home tonight. You’re not my Cas anymore.”
He doesn’t say anything, and steps to the side. I climb in the car and wait for him to move out of the way of the door.
I refuse to look at him and keep my head straight.
I jump when he closes the door on my behalf and I don’t hesitate to turn the key in the ignition and throw the car into reverse.
Backing out, I force myself not to look in the rear-view mirror.
Chapter Twenty
Cas
I stand there long after I watch her drive away from me. I’m numb. I was pretty numb when Oak came home, but this, this is worse. I can’t feel a single limb. I feel the sickness wanting to rise from my stomach, I promised her I would never hurt her again and I’ve broken my own vow.
She had the same broken pain in her eyes she had when she found me with Danni, all those years ago.
Turning slowly, I look all around the club and the haze lifts. I jump on my bike, I ride up to the gates and look left, then right. I should follow Alannah and go left, but I pull out onto the main road and go right.
I ride until I’m pulling into the cemetery. Coasting through, I leave my light on, so I can see where I’m going.
I don’t believe my eyes when I see a figure sitting on a nearby bench in the Lost Souls section.
Kicking out the stand, I climb off my bike and set it right before walking over to her.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
“You come here a lot, I wanted to see if I could feel the peace it brings you.”
“It doesn’t bring me peace, it breaks my fuckin’ heart. Every one of these men lying in the ground, I would swap my life for theirs. Especially, the latest one.”
She has no fucking idea.
“You should have taken Alannah’s offer, and you should leave town, as soon as possible,” I say, and feel nothing.
“I told you…”
“I know what you’ve said, but I’m telling you, I’m not interested in having anything to do with you. I’ve come so far without you, I don’t need you now.”
“Cas, please.”
“You’re not listening to me, I don’t want to know you, I don’t want a mom, or to work on a relationship. Since you’ve showed up, I’ve been fucking up and upsetting people who have been there for me for years. The only relationship I’m interested in mending is the one with my wife.”
I stand and ignore her sniffles. They do nothing for me, I don’t feel bad that she’s not hearing what she wants to hear.
“I came here to talk to a dear friend, I thought it would make me feel better, but it was sending you away that made it all better. Goodbye Jacqueline.”
As I walk back to my bike, I release a long sigh and smile. Thousands of people don’t have parents, fuck, even my wife doesn’t have any parents. I’ve survived all these years without a mom, I’m sure as shit I’ll survive the rest of my life without her too. The only one I can’t survive without is Alannah, and when I ride up to my house, her car is there but all the lights are off.
She’ll hear my bike for sure.
Walking up the porch steps, it angers me when the front door is unlocked. Only the kitchen light is on at the back of the house when I walk in and I hear the clink of a glass hitting the table.
Leaning in the kitchen doorway, she doesn’t look at me, and pours herself another glass of wine.
“If I knew all it’d take is to tell you not to come home, I would’ve done that days ago,” she snorts, still not looking at me.
“Seriously though, why are you here? I’m a terrible wife, I tried paying your mom to leave town, I accused you of betraying me, I…”
“I scared you and it broke my heart, then I was petrified I was going to lose you,” I interrupt her.
My worst fear is losing her.
Pushing away from the doorframe, I walk across the kitchen and kneel before her.
“I swear to you, I’ll never be like that with you again. That woman messes with my head, she always has done, but I would rather kill her to be rid of her then lose you because of her. I fuckin’ swear it to you.”
Running my hands along her thighs, I grip onto her hands and press them both to my mouth.
Fuck, I’ve missed her bad.
“I’ve been fucking up with everyone, you, Sparky, Dex, I even started with Slade today. I’ve sent her away…”
She pulls one of her hands free, and runs it through my hair, stopping to hold the back of my head.
“I won’t try telling you what to do, but, I don’t think sending her away will help. You know who she is now, she’s real, not just in your mind. You have to deal with her before you’ll be able to move on.”
“Lana, as far as I’m concerned, nothing has changed. It’s me, you, Leo and the club. She’s not a part of anything. We were perfectly fine before her and we will be when she leaves.”
“Will you though?”
“Sure I will. All I need is to know we’re fine.”
“We’ll always be fine in the end, but I reckon you want to know her, but you’re scared to trust her and look a fool if she lets you down.”
“I’m done talking about her, I want to talk about us. I want to go to bed with my wife and I want her to tell me she still loves me. Everything else is irrelevant.”
Keeping a hold on me, she stands and leads me up to our room.
“I still love you, Cas, but you haven’t made it easy to like you recently,” she tells me.
“The way I see it, you’re the one who made me fall in love with you, but you don’t get to make me hate you, not again. Don’t ever make me live without you, I’m nothing like her, I need you in every way, every single day.”
Her lips pepper down my neck as she slides my cut off. Pulling my hoodie up and over my head, she drops it on the floor by our feet and backs me up until my legs hit the bed.
I sit down on the edge and grab onto her hips. I yank her against me and kiss her stomach.
“God, I’ve missed you,” I growl, falling on my back bringing her with me.
“Not as much as I’ve missed you,” she whispers, trailing her lips across my chest.
Sitting up, she straddles me and makes quick work of unbuckling my belt. I lift my ass, so she can pull my jeans down and I growl when she leaves my boxers in place.
Her soft laugh is naughty and drives me wild.