Slumping back against the wall, I put my head in my hands and try not to cry. Sam and I have never talked about having kids. I mean, he’s really good with Holly, and he’s never said he doesn’t want kids, but he’s also never come right out and said he does. We haven’t even been married an entire year yet. And we’ve only been together for sixteen months. It’s too soon, and he’s going to freak out.
“Alright, before you completely lose your shit, you need to take a test. You might not even be pregnant, and you’re getting upset over nothing,” Scheva tells me, resting her hand on my shoulder and giving it a squeeze.
She moves away from me and into the bathroom, bending down and pulling a plastic bag out from under the sink. Aunt Bobbie and I move into the doorway as she tips the bag over and somewhere around twenty pregnancy tests come tumbling out to litter the counter.
“Why in the hell do you have so many pregnancy tests under your bathroom sink?” I ask, picking one up and flipping it over to look at the directions on the back.
“Alex and I were out to dinner one night, and he thought it would be fun to buy a ton of those marijuana test kits from the dollar store, get high, and pee on them to see if they really work,” Scheva explains, crumpling up the empty bag and tossing it into the garbage can.
“Still not understanding why you have twenty pregnancy tests,” I remind her.
“Oh, yeah, I was already REALLY high when we he came up with that idea. Since we got an Uber to dinner, we smoked in the parking lot of the dollar store, and I accidentally bought pregnancy tests instead of drug tests. Alex was so mad they kept coming up negative he just kept smoking more weed and getting higher and trying again, until he eventually passed out face down on the kitchen table in a bowl of Frosted Flakes.”
With a sad shake of my head, I shove Scheva and Aunt Bobbie out of the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me. With shaking hands, I open up the box and read through the instructions one last time before I pee on the stick.
Five minutes later, I open up the door to the bathroom with tears streaming down my cheeks, holding the stick in my hand.
“So, who wants to help me come up with an idea to break the news to Sam?”
4
Killer Bunnies
Sam
“Where are you?”
Holding my cell phone between my chin and my shoulder, I bend down and look under the kitchen table.
“I’m at Reggie and Bev’s house watching Bacon,” I tell Alex, standing back up when I don’t find the damn pig.
“What?” he replies through the line.
“Not what, who. And I told you, I’m at Reggie and Bev’s house watching Bacon.”
“What?” he asks again.
“WHO!” I shout with a roll of my eyes.
“I feel like we’re in the middle of a really weird Abbott and Costello act. Is bacon on first and eggs on second?” Alex laughs.
“Bacon is the name of the damn pig Reggie bought to eat for Easter dinner on Sunday, and Bev had to run to the store. She didn’t trust Reggie to be alone with the pig, so I got stuck pig-sitting,” I complain, making my way through the house, looking under furniture and in closet doors.
“Jesus, your in-laws are weird,” Alex informs me.
“Tell me about it. And I lost the damn pig. He was here a second ago and now he’s gone.”
Alex laughs again.
“Thank God you and Noel don’t have kids. Could you imagine that disaster? You’d be losing that thing every ten seconds.”
I chuckle right along with him, even though laughing about something like that doesn’t feel funny at all. I never thought I wanted kids. My childhood wasn’t all that great, and it’s not like I’d ever spent a lot of time around kids as an adult to even know what to do with them. Well, aside from Noel’s niece, Holly, but we’ve been banned from coming within a hundred feet of her without another adult present. At least until the statute of limitations that her brother and sister-in-law set runs out. Which, by my calculations, should be right around the time Holly leaves for college.
Something about the holidays always makes me think differently, though, especially now that I have Noel in my life.
Pausing in the middle of the living room, I take a second to look around at all the Easter decorations. Sure, it looks like the Easter aisle of Target threw up in here, but it’s kind of nice. I never had this growing up as a kid. It’s festive and it’s fun, even though there are at least two hundred ceramic bunnies of all shapes and sizes on every available surface. I even like the white Christmas tree Bev put in the front living room window with multicolored pastel lights and different colored plastic Easter eggs hanging from the branches. Thinking about how amazing it would be to have a son or a daughter and getting to experience all of these things with them makes me smile.
Then I remember that Noel has banned any and all decorations from our home the last few holidays because, according to her, we are completely fucked around the holidays. She thinks if we ignore them as best we can nothing bad will happen to us. I have to say, I kind of agree with her. Our life is crazy enough without adding a child to the mix.
“CODE RED! CODE RED!” Reggie screams, racing into the house and zooming past me down the hall.
“Alex, I gotta go. Reggie’s freaking out about something,” I tell him, disconnecting the call before he has a chance to respond.
Sliding my phone into my back pocket, I head down the hall and find Reggie in the kitchen opening and slamming closed every drawer and cupboard in the room.
“Make yourself useful and find me some duct tape,” Reggie says when he hears me walk into the room.
“Why, exactly, is finding duct tape cause for a code red? Also, I may or may not have lost Bacon,” I tell him, going right to the junk drawer in the corner of the room and pulling out the roll of tape.
“We’re under attack, Sam. It’s time for you to put that military training to good use. And Bacon is in the oven, where he should be.”
My eyes widen in shock, and I quickly scramble across the kitchen, flinging the oven door open and breathing out a sigh of relief when Bacon looks up at me from his spot on the middle oven grate, where he was curled up taking a nap.
Scooping Bacon out of the oven and into my arms, I shoot Reggie a glare.
“Don’t look at me like that. He’s gotta get used to being in there sooner or later. I figure if he likes it enough, we won’t even have to force him in there on Sunday. He’ll just jump right in on his own. And why the hell are you still standing there, WE ARE UNDER A STATE OF EMERGENCY!” Reggie screams at me.
“Do I even want to ask what the hell you’re talking about?” I sigh, leaning back against the counter, hugging Bacon closer to my chest when Reggie pauses his tirade to look down at the pig and lick his lips. “Reggie, eyes up here!”
He shakes his head and blinks a few times, looking away from Bacon and back up at my face.
“SOMEONE STOLE MY BUNNIES!” Reggie screams, snatching the duct tape out of my hand, yanking off a long piece and tearing it off with his teeth. “Poor Matilda was stabbed in the process and she’s losing air fast. We need to hurry!”
“Matilda?” I question, following behind him while tucking Bacon under one arm as Reggie heads outside through the side door in the kitchen.
“Cheese and rice, Sam, do you pay attention to anything? Matilda is the pink bunny with the red reverse bob haircut, smoky blue eyeshadow and dramatic cat eye with black liner,” Reggie huffs as he hurries through the yard.
Shaking my head, I follow along behind him until we get to the front of the house and, sure enough, at least ten of the blow-up bunnies are missing from the yard with nothing but empty stakes left behind.
Reggie races to the blow-up that is quickly losing air and listing to the side, dropping down on his knees in front of it.
“Don’t you die on me, Matilda, do you hear me?! You hold on and keep fighting. Dammit, DON’T YOU DARE DIE ON ME!” Reggie screams,
quickly slapping the length of duct tape over the bunny’s stomach and untying her from the stake.
As my father-in-law performs CPR on the damn bunny, blowing air into the plug at its neck and then resting his ear against its stomach to make sure its holding, I quickly scan the neighborhood to make sure no one is watching this shitshow happening in broad daylight.
Yep, definitely don’t need to be having thoughts about kids right now. We won’t know until Holly is at least five whether or not crazy runs in the family, and I don’t want to take any chances.
“Sweet mother of God, what are you wearing?” I whisper in awe as I pause in the doorway and stare wide-eyed at Noel, standing in the middle of the kitchen with her hands on her hips.
“You like?” she asks in a sultry voice, sliding her hands up the sides of her pink satin corset and cupping her tits, which are spilling out of the top of it.
I take a second to scan her from head to toe. Along with the corset, she’s wearing a pair of pink stiletto fuck-me heels, a pink satin thong, and white, furry bunny ears on top of her head.
She slowly turns her body at the waist, looking at me over her shoulder as she shakes her ass and the little white bunny tail attached to her thong.
“Holy shit, I definitely like,” I tell her, my dick swelling in my pants, as I hastily make my way across the kitchen towards her, jerking to a stop when I see something out of the corner of my eye. “WHAT IN THE FUCK IS THAT?”
Noel sighs when I quickly start to back away, moving to stand in front of me and block whatever the hell that thing was from my sight.
She grabs my face in her hands and tilts it down to meet her eyes.
“Don’t look at the bunny on the island, just look at me. Concentrate on me,” she tells me in a soft, soothing voice.
Noel moves her body closer to mine until I can feel all her sexy heat against me, and I start to smile down at her until my eyes flicker back over to the island and I whimper.
“No, no, no, don’t look over there. Just look at me. It’s just one of my dad’s blow-up bunnies and it can’t hurt you,” she tells me with a smile, forcing my face back to hers.
“Why in the fuck is one of your dad’s bunnies in our kitchen, and why does it look like it was in a gang bang?” I ask, unable to stop looking at the thing over in the corner.
It looks like E.T. did when Gertie dressed him up with a blonde wig, hat, and lipstick, except much more horrifying and monster-like. The blonde wig is a ratty mess falling down over the bunny’s face, sticking to the makeup caked all over it, and there’s one fake eyelash stuck to the thing’s cheek, and one right between its eyes, making it look like creepy as fuck spiders crawling all over the damn thing. The lipstick is smeared all up over one cheek, and I swear to Christ that thing is leering at me.
“Aunt Bobbie wanted to say thank you for letting her stay here, so this was her way of doing it. She just assumed I hadn’t had time to decorate the house for Easter, so she brought over some of my dad’s bunnies and set them around the kitchen before she packed her stuff and left.”
Noel’s hands slide off my cheeks, over my chest and down my stomach and around my waist, clutching my ass and pulling me flush against her. My dick is so confused right now it’s not even funny. I’m hard as hell for my wife in her sexy little bunny get-up, but JESUS CHRIST there are evil bunnies all over my fucking kitchen, watching everything we do. There’s one above the cabinets in a black wig staring down at us, one under the kitchen table peeking out between the chairs, and three in a cluster of evil bunny madness sitting in the sink.
Before I know it, Noel has unbuttoned my jeans and shoved them down to my thighs, along with my boxer briefs, where I wiggle and help everything fall the rest of the way to my ankles. I close my eyes from the horror show all around me and groan when her hand wraps around my dick and starts sliding up and down the length. She kisses her way up the side of my neck and presses her lips to my ear.
“I have a little surprise for you. It might come as a shock, so I thought I’d ease my way into it by getting you nice and relaxed,” she whispers, swiping her tongue against my earlobe, making my dick jump in her hand.
“More shocking than killer blow-up bunnies in our kitchen?” I ask, opening my eyes and sliding my hands up her sides just like she did when I first walked in, cupping her breasts in my palms, running my thumbs over her nipples, which I can feel through the smooth satin of the corset.
“The only blow you need to worry about right now is the one I’m going to give you,” she tells me, dropping to her knees in front of me.
“Oh, holy fuck,” I moan loudly when she takes me into her mouth.
She hums around my dick and the vibration shoots right to my balls, making me jerk my hips forward and deeper into her hot, wet mouth.
“Fuck, baby, I love you,” I tell her, staring down at my gorgeous wife as she gives me the best blow job in the world, sliding her hand up and down right below her mouth as she bobs her head and sucks me hard.
“NOEL, HONEY, ARE YOU HOME?”
My hips jerk away from Noel and my dick falls out of her mouth with a pop as the front door slams closed and the click of Bev’s heels echo down the hallway.
“WHY THE DEVIL IS YOUR FRONT DOOR UNLOCKED? YOU’RE JUST GONNA LET GOD AND EVERYONE WALK IN HERE WHENEVER THEY WANT?” Reggie shouts next.
“Oh, shit! Oh, shit, shit, shit!” I stammer, realizing I have zero time to pull my pants up before my in-laws walk in here and find Noel on her knees and my dick flapping in the wind.
I do what any normal man, who is slightly afraid of his father-in-law, would do. I waddle out of the kitchen as fast as possible with my pants around my ankles, forgetting all about the fact that my wife is half dressed in a sexy bunny costume and that she said something about a surprise that might come as a shock.
“SAM! YOU SHIT STICK! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO ALMOST MURDERED MATILDA?!” I hear Reggie bellow when I get to the bedroom, knowing he must have made his way into the kitchen and had seen the bunnies.
“Ooooh, I’ve never tried dressing up as a bunny before, how fun!” I hear Bev say excitedly, groaning to myself knowing Noel is going to kill me for leaving her behind.
“Is Sam into bestiality, Noel? Is that what’s going on here? Is he listening? Don’t worry; you don’t have to say anything. Blink once for yes, twice for no,” Reggie tells her.
I’m guessing forgetting to inform me her parents were coming over is the shocking surprise Noel had for me. Quickly pulling up my pants, I make my way back out to the kitchen to deal with the wrath of my wife, as well as her father, who assumes I’m a bunny-stealing man who likes to have sex with animals.
5
Penis Eggs
Noel
“I hate both of you right now,” I grumble, staring across my parent’s kitchen table at Scheva and Aunt Bobbie as they polish off God knows what number martini at this point.
Drunk people are so fucking annoying when you have to be sober.
Carefully pulling a hardboiled egg out of the pink dye in the cup in front of me, I lay it on a tray to dry next to the others I’ve already finished. I don’t care how old I get, one of my favorite parts about Easter is coming over to my parent’s house and coloring their Easter eggs for them.
Resting my hand against my stomach, I smile to myself thinking about the baby Sam and I created and how much fun it will be to bring him or her over here to color eggs. Who knows, maybe I’ll even start decorating again and color eggs at our own house as well. This baby might just be what we needed to get rid of our holiday jinx.
“Tell us again what happened last night, but do it slower and with more enthusiasm,” Aunt Bobbie tells me, burping loudly and then laughing hysterically at herself, which causes Scheva to fall into her own fit of laughter.
My happiness flees and my smile falls as I glare at them across the sea of pink, purple, green, blue, and yellow eggs.
“You already know your bright idea of dressing up as a sexy bun
ny and giving Sam a blow job to relax him before I broke the news that I’m pregnant didn’t work, so piss off,” I remind her.
“Oh, don’t be such a twat,” Scheva scolds. “But seriously, tell me again how your husband ran from the room with his pants around his ankles and left you half naked in the kitchen for your parents to find when they stopped by to pick up all the Easter eggs we stuffed. And can you describe the exact shade of red Reggie’s face was when he saw all the drag bunnies in your kitchen?”
It took a half hour to calm my father down and stop him from strangling Sam when he thought he was the one responsible for the great bunny theft. Then it took another half hour convincing him not to immediately get in his car, drive back home where Aunt Bobbie was currently unpacking in their spare bedroom, and strangle her. And he kept going on and on about someone named Matilda almost dying. Honestly, I stopped paying attention somewhere in the middle and let Sam deal with it all since he’s a traitor who leaves his pregnant wife half-naked in the kitchen to save his own ass.
Fine, so he doesn’t know about the pregnant part yet, but still. I’m very disappointed in him right now. Even so, I still need to figure out a way to tell him about the pregnancy. It’s only a matter of time before he realizes everything I smell makes me gag and he starts to wonder why I’m constantly running to the bathroom to throw up. It’s a wonder I didn’t throw up on his penis during my attempt at a blow job last night. I love my husband, and I really love his penis, but it was touch-and-go there for a while. You can never come back from puking on your husband’s dick.