And yes, I live here more often than I live at my own place. I sometimes lie about bug infestations at my place, or how a Tinder date turned into a crazy stalker situation where the guy won’t stop jerking off outside my bedroom window, or how my credit card bills are out of control and I need to save money. I’m a fucking accountant, people, do you honestly think I don’t know how to handle my own money? Puh-lease! And yes, as shocking as that might be, I am still an accountant. Luckily, I no longer have to go into an office every day. I can do my job from the comfort of my own home (or Reggie and Bev’s couch), wearing sparkly heels and couture gowns and no one gets to judge me. I make up lies about something happening at my place, because I’d rather be around my bat-shit crazy family than be home alone where the quiet can sometimes be overwhelming.
And that, my friends, is how Aunt Bobbie came to be the fabulous woman she is today. But before I go, let me leave you with a few life rules:
Be who you want to be.
Touch a lot of dicks.
Be an asshole sometimes.
Celebrate the holidays with gusto.
Drink a lot of booze and make stupid choices.
Clowns do not have to be scary. Try dressing up as one at least once in your life. It’s very exhilarating.
If you do dress up as a clown, try not to terrorize small children and or grown adults by getting white girl wasted and running through their front yards, forcing them to think you’re there to murder them and call the cops.
Do drugs. You know, not like, meth or anything crazy. Maybe a little pot here and there or washing down a Xanax with a lovely Chardonnay.
Suck a lot of cock. They aren’t going to suck themselves, trust me. I got thrown out of a yoga class for attempting this during Downward-facing Dog.
Make sure people remember you for how you lived, not how you died.
Print that shit out and hang it up on your fridge so you never forget. And since I’m such an amazing human being, I’m also going to give you a little glimpse into the future so you can be secure in the knowledge that the Holidays lived happily ever after. And in case you missed what happened this past Halloween around here, I’ll give you an update on that as well.
Just like she dreamed, Noel and Sam spent many, many happy years together in the house across the street from this one. The rest of their lives to be exact.
Sam, against all odds, managed to avoid a near-death incident their first Halloween owning the home across the street, when Reggie pissed off the neighbors by dressing up as a clown, attempting to sway their votes by proving to them clowns really do bring joy and happiness into people’s live. After the misunderstanding was explained to the police and they let Reggie go with a warning, the neighborhood voted unanimously that Sam’s Nightmare Before Christmas display won, hands down.
For the next forty-plus years, Sam and Reggie would continue to battle it out for every holiday, their yard displays growing larger and more elaborate with each passing year, until Beverly and Noel threatened divorce when they almost set both houses on fire using one too many extension cords and putting a hundred too many twinkle lights in the trees.
Thankfully, after that initial Halloween battle, each year and each holiday always ended in a tie, and neither man lost his life. But that might have to do with the fact that their wives were in charge of counting the votes and vowed to never, ever reveal who really won the contests, for the sake of everyone’s sanity, and to avoid bloodshed.
Well, aside from that one year when Sam was stabbed in the thigh during their annual pumpkin-carving get-together. Reggie swears it was an accident, that the knife slipped, and that it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Sam was able to carve an exact replica of an entire scene from It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown in less time than it took Reggie to carve one eye in his pumpkin. And, he pointed out, Sam only needed six measly stitches and was a big sissy about the whole thing.
Regardless of Alex’s lack of knowledge about kids, he and Scheva went on to have two little boys, and a few years after they were married, bought the house right next to Sam and Noel. Reggie swears the house going up for sale had nothing to do with crushing up an entire bottle of Ex-Lax and dumping it into the homemade apple-pie moonshine he gave to the people who owned the house, along with a Polaroid photo of a clown in a mask.
And me, well, I never stopped doing drugs, even after I incited a mob during Alex and Scheva’s wedding, arguing that I wouldn’t be any fun without them. And I was right. Even if every Halloween the family has to comb through all of the trick-or-treat bags to remove illegal narcotics and random sex toys from them, and every Christmas Alex is elected as the taste tester of all my Christmas cookies before anyone else can touch them, and there was only one time he had to go to the hospital because I miscalculated how much pot should go into pot cookies and he tried to jump off the roof, I wouldn’t be Aunt Bobbie if I didn’t get high and do stupid shit.
For a couple who met in an airport bar the week of Christmas, and fell in the kind of insta-love you only read about in books or see in movies, Sam and Noel remained madly in love, forever and ever, popping out a sister for Christy, named Natale (the Italian word for Christmas), and a brother, aptly named Jack. And no, his middle name isn’t Skellington, even though Sam pouted about that for a week. He finally gave in and agreed that Jack Reggie Stocking had a nice ring to it. And it gave him a lot of needed brownie points with his crazy father-in-law.
The Holiday and the Stocking families, along with Alex and Scheva, all lived happily ever after on the same street, and Noel never refused to decorate for another holiday again, going all out, just like her father, knowing the superstitions she used to have were silly.
These families would always be crazy, and it was the best thing about us.
Aunt Bobbie – OUT!
The End. For Real This time.
But, if you happened to miss the special Halloween short story for the Holidays, turn the page to read the first chapter!
Excerpt from The Pumpkin Was Stuffed
a Holidays Short Story
1
Everyone Loves Clowns
Noel
“It was a dark and stormy night…” I whisper in a sinister voice, staring with wide eyes at the scene in front of me.
“No it’s not. It’s actually a very lovely fall evening. Not a cloud in sight.”
I turn to face my husband, Sam, crossing my arms over my chest and above my giant pregnant stomach, which seems to have grown ten times larger in the last week. I’m thirty-five years old, with long, dark red hair and green eyes. I used to think I was quite pretty, until I turned into a beached whale with swollen ankles. Standing next to my husband, who is a year older than I—with his gorgeous blue-gray eyes; short, dark-brown hair; and fantastic muscular build, thanks to the Marines—it’s hard to remember that I was once skinny and hot and looked like a perfect match for my sexy husband.
“Work with me here. I’m trying to set the tone for when I tell our child this story. If I don’t inject the right amount of scary details, he or she will never truly understand the horror of what we’re looking at right now.”
Sam cocks his head to the side, studying the yard we’re currently standing at the edge of while I study his profile. I still can’t believe he’s my husband, even though we’ve been married almost a year and a half. He’s too hot for his own good, and I’m a hot mess with an ass covered in stretch marks.
“It’s not that bad,” he mutters.
I shake my head at him and then, adding sociopathic mood swings to my mental list of pregnancy-related problems, fantasize about jamming a knife into his skull and carving it like a pumpkin.
“Not that bad?!” I argue, my voice rising a few octaves as I fling one arm out, gesturing around my parents’ front yard. “My father decorated his yard with hundreds of clowns. CLOWNS, Sam. Scary, creepy, makeup-wearing, red-nosed, big-shoed CLOWNS. This is the stuff nightmares are made of.”
I shudd
er, wrapping my arms around myself, wishing I could unsee this shit. There are clowns cut out of wood and painted; mannequins dressed as clowns; stuffed clowns; blow-up-doll clowns…every size you can imagine, from one foot tall, to ten feet tall. They’re scattered all around the yard. My dad is slightly obsessed with decorating for every holiday, which makes sense, I guess, since our last name is, literally, Holiday. When I brought Sam home for Christmas the year we met, he thought we were pulling up to an airport runway, with all the bright, flashing lights all over the yard. My father’s Valentine’s Day decorations cover every inch of the yard; all the red hearts make it look like the house is bleeding onto the grass. The entire state of Ohio went through a flag shortage the year he bought all the American flags that hang from the siding and porch railing on the Fourth of July.
But he has taken this year’s neighborhood Halloween decorating contest to a horrifying level. One I’ll never be able to erase from my mind; I’ll see it every time I close my eyes.
“It’s about time you got here!”
I turn to watch my dad jog down the front porch steps—which are littered with giant red clown shoes and jack-o’-lanterns—and hurry across the lawn toward us, dodging all the…clowns.
Jesus. I can’t even THINK that word without getting the chills.
Dad is practically bouncing with excitement by the time he gets to us, his feet crunching through the fallen leaves as he stands next to me and nods at the two of us with a huge smile on his face. At fifty-seven, my dad is a pretty handsome man, standing at just about my husband’s six-foot stature, with a full head of salt-and-pepper hair.
“Hello darling Noel, hello Asshole-Who-Defiled-My-Daughter…so, what do you think of the yard?”
I let out a sigh and shake my head at him.
“Dad, for the hundredth time, Sam is my husband and did not defile me. Can’t you just be happy about being a grandfather again, like a normal human being?” My brother and his wife already had a baby, a girl named Holy, and neither one of them had to suffer through this kind of sarcastic abuse from my father. My poor husband deserves a medal.
He wraps his arm around my shoulder and kisses the side of my head.
“Of course I’m happy about becoming a grandfather again. But you’re my baby girl. And I’d prefer to think of this as an immaculate conception. Otherwise I will have a heart attack and die, picturing how it actually happened. Do you want me to die, Noel?” he demands in his usual, dramatic fashion. “Do you?!”
“Speaking of heart attacks,” I mutter, changing the subject before my dad really does kill himself thinking about how I got pregnant. “Why, for the love of God, did you decorate the yard with clowns? No one likes clowns, Dad. No one. You’re lucky your neighbors haven’t burned your house down in protest.”
Dad scoffs and rolls his eyes at me.
“Don’t be silly. Clowns are fun. Everyone loves clowns.”
A loud, bloodcurdling scream, followed by the most miserable-sounding wails, makes all three of us turn around to find a woman and a little boy standing a few feet away, on the sidewalk. The boy has his face pressed into the woman’s side as he continues crying, and they rush past my parents’ house.
“Clowns, Reggie? Really? You should be ashamed of yourself,” the woman mutters, hurrying down the sidewalk with her distraught child.
“YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE YOUR FRONT YARD LOOKS LIKE A MONKEY TOOK A SHIT ON IT, SUSAN!” my dad yells after her. “EVERYONE LOVES CLOWNS, AND I’M GOING TO PROVE IT WHEN I WIN THIS CONTEST FOR THE TENTH YEAR IN A ROW!”
I should probably be embarrassed that my dad is screaming at one of his poor neighbors, but I was raised by this man. It’s not the first time I’ve seen him turn into a raging lunatic in public, and it certainly won’t be the last. He takes every holiday decorating contest very seriously. He starts coming up with ideas and building things for his Halloween display in February. With all of the children on the street, he doesn’t like doing anything scary, and usually goes with something fun. One year it was a carnival theme, with a ticket booth and fun carnival games for kids. Another year it was a Charlie Brown theme. Last year, he went with a Mickey Mouse/Disney theme. All sweet and innocent fun. But clowns are anything but sweet and innocent, and clearly he’s lost his mind.
“I don’t know, Reggie. That house across the street might be giving you a run for your money,” Sam states.
My dad starts grumbling and cursing under his breath as I look over at the house Sam is talking about. I can’t help the dreamy sigh that escapes me. They’ve decorated in a Nightmare Before Christmas theme. It’s one of my absolute favorite movies, and the display is amazing.
There’s a huge Jack Skellington and Sally right in the middle of the yard, with a giant light-up moon behind them, and smaller wooden figurines of every other character are scattered all around the grass, from Doctor Finklestein and the mayor of Halloween Town, to Oogie Boogie and the ghost dog, Zero. There are orange and white spotlights on every wooden character, and at least a hundred carved pumpkins distributed around the entire display.
My dreamy sigh doesn’t only have to do with the decorations, though. It also has to do with the house itself. I’ve loved that house since I was a little girl. It’s just a typical, two-story colonial, but the wraparound front porch, professional landscaping and huge, fenced-in backyard made it my dream house. I always imagined that someday I’d get married, buy that house, and raise my family there.
“That yard looks like horseshit,” my father mutters in irritation. “They didn’t even put any work into it. They just went out to the closest Halloween store and bought everything they could find. I put my blood, sweat, and tears into my display.”
“Clearly. The blood when all those creepy-ass clowns come to life and stab you in your sleep, the sweat when you’re trying to outrun them, and the tears when they murder your entire family,” I inform him.
My dad ignores me and continues to glare at the yard across the street.
“Did you know that house sold in less than two weeks? I haven’t even met the new owners yet, and they’ve been there for a month. What kind of people move into a neighborhood, try to end my reign as Halloween Decorator King, and don’t even come over and introduce themselves? Monsters, that’s who,” Dad complains.
I can’t help the wave of sadness that washes over me when I think about how my dream house went on the market and sold before I even knew it was available. When Sam and I got engaged, we moved into his house, since I was unemployed and living with my parents at the time. Don’t get me wrong, we have a really great house. It’s a ranch, with a big yard. And Sam let me do whatever I wanted with it when I moved in. I do love where we live, out in the middle of nowhere—but it’s thirty minutes away from my family. One would think, as crazy as my family is, that I’d be perfectly fine living far enough away from them that they can’t come over every five minutes and bring their crazy right to my front door. My overprotective father, who still hasn’t adjusted to me being a grown woman with a husband and a baby on the way; my overbearing mother, who talks about sex more than any mother should; and my Aunt Bobbie, who used to be my Uncle Robert, and never leaves home without wearing a sparkling evening gown, a full face of makeup, and a wig, are entirely too much crazy for one family to handle. At least my older brother, Nicholas, and his wife, Casey, help to balance out the normal.
And while a year ago it might have been true that I’d want to be as far away from them as possible, now that Sam and I are about to have a baby, thirty minutes away seems like thirty hours. What if Sam’s at work and there’s an emergency? And he’s a Marine—what if he gets deployed again? I’ll be a half hour away from my support system.
“Maybe the new neighbors like to keep to themselves. I’m sure they’re very nice people. They just moved in and they’re already participating in the decorating contest. That’s got to say something,” Sam tells my dad, pulling me out of my thoughts.
“Yeah, it says they wan
t a war with the official Halloween Decorator King.”
“Dad, that’s not a real title,” I remind him.
“It’s a real title if I say it’s a real title!” he argues. “Obviously I need to up my game and prove to those yahoos that they can’t beat me. Sam, make yourself useful: Go find me as many clown costumes as you can.”
“Where, exactly, am I supposed to find clown costumes?” Sam asks as my father starts walking toward the garage, his current command center for all things Halloween decorations.
“YOU’RE A CLOWN WHO DEFILED MY DAUGHTER! GO LOOK IN YOUR OWN CLOSET!” Dad shouts back to him, over his shoulder.
With one last look at the house across the street, Sam grabs my hand and laces his fingers through mine. Staring straight ahead to avoid eye contact with any of the creepy, lifelike clowns, we make our way through the yard and up the porch steps, pausing in front of the door.
Sam lets go of my hand, rests his palms on my huge stomach, and smiles down at me.
“What are the odds our child will grow up to be completely normal and not at all batshit crazy?” he asks.