“Maybe you are, but it takes more than a few days to truly make a difference. You need help.”
“You’re a selfish, self-righteous pig, Nathaniel.”
“Why?” I growl, getting in her face. “Because I care about how my daughter’s future ends up?”
“Get out!” she screams, shoving me harder. “Get the fuck out.”
“With pleasure,” I bellow, turning and storming out the door.
Fuck this.
Fuck it all.
~*~*~*~
AVERY
Bang, bang, bang.
I hear someone pounding on my door and I roll in my bed to see it’s 1.45 a.m. Who the hell would be at my door at this time? It’s not Jacob; he’s still out of town for a few days and besides, he has a key. I get out of bed and run a hand through my hair. My eyes are bleary as I pad down the halls, nearing closer to the pounding sound. I get to the door and peek through the peephole.
Nate.
I quickly unlock it and swing it open only to face a wild, panting Nate. He’s angry; no . . . no . . . it’s worse than anger. He looks vicious. His fists are clenched, his breathing is deep, his jaw is tight and the expression on his face could kill.
“Nate, what’s wrong?” I ask.
He shoves past me, storming into my house.
“Nate,” I say, shutting the door. “You’re scaring me. What’s wrong?”
“That fucking bitch!” he thunders, pacing the living room.
“Do you want to sit down and tell me why you’re here?”
He turns to me, his eyes wild with something I’ve never seen before. He storms over to me, wraps a hand around the back of my head and pulls me close.
“A baby, she says,” he growls. “She can’t even fuckin’ look after the one we have. Selfish, trapped, no way out.”
He’s not making any sense.
“Nate, talk to me,” I whisper, so close to his face that I can feel his warm breath against my ear.
“You’re in my head,” he hisses. “In my fucking head. She’s not in my head. She wants a baby, a fucking baby. I don’t want a baby. I’m trying to be the good fucking guy but you’re in my head.”
I swallow and try to take a step back but he won’t let me go.
“You’re taken,” he rasps. “I’m taken. But you’re still fucking there. Why are you there, Avery? Why the fuck are you consuming me?”
Oh, my.
“Nate,” I breathe.
“So fucking perfect, so fucking beautiful, and yet another man is fucking you. He’s fucking you because you’re his . . .”
“Nate,” I try again.
“And I fucking hate it. I shouldn’t hate it, but I do. I fucking hate it.”
“Nate.”
“And my wife, she wants a fucking baby. A baby. A fucking baby.”
Okay. He’s not focusing right now.
“Nate,” I say, my voice a little harder. “Look at me.”
He looks at me; boy, does he look at me.
“Marriage is for life. It’s what you sign up for. It’s not meant to be easy, Avery, but it’s sure as shit not meant to feel like this. I lay there some nights,” he murmurs, “and I wonder if it would be easier if I just . . . died.”
“Hey,” I say, lifting my hands and cupping his cheeks. “You can’t say things like that. You have a little girl.”
“Don’t you think she’s the only reason I’m still fighting?” he whispers, his eyes so hurt, so broken that my heart breaks a little for him. “Do you have any idea the pain that lays heavy on my heart when I go to sleep at night? I’m depressed. I fucking hate it there but I’m trying. I’m trying so fucking hard . . .”
“You’re a good man, Nate. A good, strong man. You can get through this.”
“How can I?” he breathes. “When you’re always on my fuckin’ mind? Do you know what you’re doing to me, Dancer? You’re makin’ me see that there’s better out there. You’re makin’ me feel again . . . and it’s been so long since I’ve felt . . .”
Then, before I can protest or pull away, he leans down and his lips crush against mine.
There are so many things I should do in that moment. Logic and morals say I should run, I should shove his chest and scream at him to stop, I should wrench my mouth from his and order him to leave. They’re all the right things to do. It’s all what people would expect me to do.
But life isn’t always what people expect.
He’s married. I’m taken. There are so many reasons why this is wrong.
But I can’t push him away. My mind is screaming at me to, but my heart has other ideas. My knees become weak as his fingers tighten on the back of my head and his mouth opens, coaxing mine to do the same. It does. I part my lips and I take him, all of him. His tongue slides into my mouth and dances with mine. My hands go to his chest and I scrunch his shirt into my fists, holding him as tightly as I can. And we just kiss. We kiss long and we kiss hard.
Then he pulls back, his eyes frantic.
“Shit,” he rasps. “Shit.”
I’m speechless, my lips are swollen, my body is alive and I can’t just snap back into reality. It’s okay though, because I don’t need to. He puts me right back in my place when he turns his eyes to me and I see the one thing I knew I would see in them. Regret.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Nate growls and then spins, charging out the door and into the night.
I can’t move. Even when I hear his car start and speed off down the street, I still can’t move.
What have I done?
CHAPTER 14
NATE
Consuming me.
Every fucking day that kiss consumes me.
Avery made me feel something I’ve not felt before, something powerful and strong.
It scares me. It fucking scares me.
~*~*~*~
AVERY
“Hey, Kel,” I say, watching as Kelly walks through my front door and places two bags on the counter.
“Hey Avery,” he says, turning to face me. “How you doin’?”
I shrug. “I’m all right. Happy to see you. To what do I owe this tremendous pleasure?”
He grins and it eases some of the pain in my heart. It’s been five days since Nate kissed me and I’ve not been able to think of anything else. I’ve held my phone in my hands, willing him to ring, willing myself to be strong enough to call him and admit to the mistake, to beg for our friendship back. Only I don’t know if there’s a friendship to be had—how can there be when it’s clear he’s felt the same things I’ve felt?
Those feelings are toxic.
“Wanted to invite you around tonight. Keanu is in town and I’m having a few friends over.”
“Keanu’s in town?” I gasp, unable to hide my smile.
I’ve been a bit of a fan of Keanu’s for a while now. I became a fan when I watched him surf along side Kelly—he’s extremely talented. Though he and Nate are brothers, they are so very different. Nate is your typical tall, dark and handsome. He’s breathtaking and stunning. Keanu is the opposite. He’s more like Kelly. He’s got this hair, I can’t explain it—it’s long, golden-blond, and naturally formed into dreadlocks, which seems awful but God, they look great on him. His eyes are the same green as Nate’s but they take on a different look in Keanu’s deep olive skin. He’s got a killer smile and a body to die for.
I personally prefer Nate’s look—there’s something about the dark, broody type. But Keanu has his fair share of attention. When the brothers are together it’s like a double dipper. You don’t know where to look, or who to drool over first. Nate is sweeter than Keanu, though. Keanu is one hundred percent alpha: he grunts and he charms—then he fucks. Nate, while still alpha and sexy as hell, has a funny, charismatic side that Keanu lacks.
“He is,” Kelly says. “You got a bit of a thing for surfer boys?”
I grin. “Only ones that start with a K . . .”
He starts laughing and I realize my stupidity. Keanu starts with a K, too.
“Good going.” He chuckles.
“I didn’t think that through.”
“So, are you goin’ to come?”
I nod, rubbing my arms. “Sure, why not?”
He studies me. “You look like shit. What’s wrong?”
I shake my head quickly. “Nothing, I’m just tired. I’ve been working and dancing . . .”
He narrows his eyes. “How long have we been friends, Avery?”
I sigh. “I know Kelly, but please . . . this problem is my own.”
“It doesn’t involve Nate, does it? Because he’s fuckin’ angry. He came over yesterday and smashed my window because he couldn’t move the sofa where he wanted it. He literally put his fist through the glass.”
Oh no.
“It’s,” I swallow, “it’s not about Nate.”
I’m lying.
I’ve taken the step in the direction where there’s no going back. I’ve told my best friend a lie and I can feel it in every part of my body. My heart is aching, my chest is clenching and my stomach is rolling. It’s wrong, I know it’s wrong, and that’s why I can’t do it—I can’t admit what’s really going on.
“You sure?” Kelly asks, studying my face.
“I’m sure, but I hope Nate is okay.”
He keeps his eyes on my face, studying me, watching for . . . I don’t know what he’s watching for.
“He’s having problems at home.”
It’s not said like a fact, but a statement. He’s testing me, seeing what I know. Kelly is suspicious. He has every right to be.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I say, keeping my voice steady and my face straight.
“Hmmm,” he grumbles. “I have to go. Come over anytime. Bring some alcohol. I’ve got everything else.”
“Okay,” I say, my voice small and weak—exactly how I feel right now.
Kelly leans in and kisses my cheek, lingering for a long moment. I close my eyes and fight back the tears threating to spill over.
“Be smart, Av,” he murmurs.
Then he leaves.
Be smart—how can I be smart when my heart is splitting into a thousand pieces?
~*~*~*~
“Keanu,” I say, walking up behind the tall, broad surfer standing beside the railing of Kelly’s beach cabin.
Nate is here—alone. The moment I walked through Kelly’s door I saw him. He looked at me for a second and then turned away, breaking my heart even further. Confusion is all I understand right now; I feel nothing else. I don’t understand what any of this is and I sure as hell don’t know what it means.
I could only find one escape from it all—and that was out the front of the cabin. The moment I stepped out, I saw Keanu’s back. I hesitated for a few heartbeats, nerves filling me. I feel as though I’m going to fan-girl over him. I’ve watched him for longer than I’ve watch Kelly. He’s amazing out on the water—like . . . epic. In a way he’s kind of my idol. He’s so determined, so strong, so passionate.
He turns when he hears my voice and his piercing green eyes fall on me. Keanu very rarely smiles; in fact, he very rarely shows any emotion. He should have been a cop. His eyes do lighten when he sees me though. I met him once, very briefly. But he knows how close I am to Kelly—and Kelly is someone he respects very much.
“Avery,” he says, his voice low and husky. “Fancy seein’ you here.”
“You remember my name,” I breathe, and realize I’m staring. Really staring. And my voice sounds . . . oh God – I’m fan-girling.
Shit.
I turn my eyes away and take a deep breath. Get your shit together, Avery.
“Yeah, darlin’, I remembered your name,” he says, his tone amused. “Don’t usually forget a pretty girl.”
I flush and keep my eyes turned. God, I’m acting like a complete crazy case right now.
“You lost your voice?”
I turn back, knowing my cheeks are flaming red. That’s when I catch a glimpse of Nate standing at the door, staring at us. He’s watching me very closely. I force myself to focus on Keanu. “I,” I begin. “No . . .”
He raises his brows just slightly, but doesn’t smile. “Good to see you here, Avery.”
“Y-y-yeah, you too. How’s surfing?”
He studies my face. “Same as always.”
“Right,” I say, feeling my cheeks heat. “Well, I should go and get a food. Shit, I mean . . . a drink. Get a drink.”
His eyes light up just slightly but he doesn’t smile. “You do that.”
“It was good to see you.”
I turn and hurry off, horrified. I rush past Nate and straight into the kitchen.
“There you are,” Kelly says when I round the corner, taking a beer straight off the counter.
“Kill me now.”
He raises his brows, and nods his head at something behind me. I turn and see Liam coming in. He’s got his fingers looped through the holes in a six-pack, pizzas in the other hand. He gives me a smile and I beam. He barely smiles anymore, so when he does it means a whole lot to me.
“Avie,” he says, throwing the beers on the counter.
“So,” Kelly says, turning back to me. “Why do I need to kill you?”
“I just completely fan-girled over Keanu. I mean, really bad—it was mortifying.”
Liam chuckles and Kelly shakes his head.
“He has that affect on women.”
A beer slams down beside me and I turn to see Nate, standing next to us, staring at his hands.
“Hey Nate,” I dare to say.
He doesn’t say hello. He just murmurs, “You got a minute, Avery?”
“Um,” I hesitate, staring at Kelly and Liam who are giving me what’s going on looks. “Sure.”
He turns and walks out. I quickly follow him. He leads me out the back door and towards the small park on the grassland behind Kelly’s cabin. I stop at the swings and decide sitting on one is best, I don’t trust my legs. Nate doesn’t sit; he just stands and stares into the darkness, not saying anything for the longest time.
“Nate, I . . .”
God, I don’t even know what to say. I don’t know how to feel or what to think. What am I supposed to say to him? I can’t ask him why he kissed me; I can’t ask him what it meant. It should mean nothing—it shouldn’t affect me because he isn’t mine. He’s never been mine and he’ll never be mine. I just don’t want to lose a friendship that has come to mean something to me.
“You into my brother,” he says, suddenly. His voice is low and gruff.
“What?” I say, shocked and a little confused.
“I said, are you into my brother?”
“Keanu?” I squeak.
“Yeah, fuckin’ Keanu,” he barks.
I shake my head, fingers wrapped around the chains of the swing. “I don’t understand . . .”
“I saw you out there with him, so I’m asking—are you into him?”
“I like Keanu. He’s a great surfer and he’s somewhat of an idol to me . . .”
“That’s not what I’m askin’,” he hisses. “I’m askin’ if you want him.”
Anger boils in my chest. “Jesus, Nate, what business is it of yours, anyway?” I snap. “You’ve made it very clear that this friendship means a whole lot of nothing to you. I don’t understand what you want from me.”
He lets go of the pole he was holding onto and storms over, taking hold of the chains on my swing and leaning down so we’re nose to nose. I forget to breathe again. This happens a lot around Nate. My entire body becomes aware of him, the skin at the back of my neck prickles and I swallow, trying desperately to keep my emotions at bay.
“What I want,” he grinds out, “I can’t fuckin’ have.”
“Then why are you here? Why are you making me feeling like I’ve done something wrong?”
He drops his eyes down, taking a deep, strangled breath. When he looks back up at me, some of the anger has slipped from his expression.
“The only thing you’ve done w
rong, Dancer,” he murmurs, staring into my eyes and then dragging his gaze to my lips, “is be so fuckin’ perfect that you’re impossible to resist.”
“That’s not what I ever meant to do,” I squeak. “I’m not like that. I was never trying to do that, Nate. I just wanted a friend . . .”
“Shit, I know that. You think I don’t know that? You’re as good as they come, as pure as you are beautiful.”
I force my eyes to stop misting, force my heart to stop pounding, but I can’t stop my voice from shaking when I whisper, “Please stop.”
He steps closer, brining his face only millimeters from mine. “Don’t you think I want to stop?” He breathes. “Don’t you think I want to get your face from my mind? Don’t you think I want to forget about you? I can’t. I’m trying, and I can’t. This isn’t something I’ve ever felt before in my life and I don’t know how to deal with it.”
“Nate,” I gasp as he lets his lips graze mine.
“Turn me away, Avery. If you don’t . . . I’m not sure I can find the strength.”
I’m shaking all over, and my heart is tearing in two different directions. One wants him; it wants him so fiercely it hurts. The other is logical, it knows this is wrong, and not just for Lena but for Jacob. It’s not fair, and it’s not right. That side of my heart is trying to win; it’s fighting hard against the stupid part to win the battle. Apparently that battle takes too long, because Nate makes the choice for me.
He crushes his lips against mine.
I lose my breath in loud whoosh, and then all I can feel is him: the warmth of his lips, his hands on either side of my face, his thumbs stroking the soft patches of skin there. I part my lips and once again our kiss turns heated, tongues dancing, lips crushing, breath mingling. I don’t let go of the swing, too afraid that if I do there’ll be no turning back for me.
“Dancer,” he murmurs, trailing his lips over my jaw.
I shut my eyes and my head drops back. He takes the chance to run his lips down my throat.
Every thing in my world stops. It just stops. I can’t hear, I can’t see—the only sense I have left is to feel. And I feel—I feel all of him. I take in every emotion he’s pouring into me, and I take it willingly. Against all odds. Against everything that’s right. Against everything that should be.