“So what happens after you graduate?”
I shrugged. “I actually don’t know. I get my file and get to visit the ones I love. I will get all of my memories back.”
“I would like that now,” Jason said and held a hand to his stomach, where the knife had gone through him. I gasped as I saw it. I had seen it happen in the book, but seeing it in real was so much tougher.
“I am sorry,” I said and looked at it.
“You and me both. I have no idea how it happened.”
“Most people don’t when they come here.”
“Why is that?”
“Our memories get wiped so we don’t cling to our pasts while we are here.”
Jason’s eyes became wide. “Wow. That is a little tough. I would really like to know what happened to me.”
I sighed. “You will one day. Trust me.” And then you’ll wish you never knew, I thought to myself.
Jason stared at me with his head slightly tilted. “You know what? You are the first person I have met since I got here who I really feel like I can talk to about anything.”
A tear was about to slip from my eye and I wiped it away in a hurry. “Likewise,” I said with a thick voice.
“So how did you die?” he asked.
“I was killed. I don’t know how or why yet.”
Jason suddenly seemed to study me closely. Then he reached out his hand and touched my throat gently. He let it slide down and caused all of my body to shiver. I gasped. I had dreamed about him touching me again for so long.
“I know how you died,” he said.
“What? How can you know?”
“I can see it right here.” He touched my throat again and this time I touched it as well. But I couldn’t feel anything. “You can’t see it yourself, but you have two handprints on both sides of your throat. It looks like you were strangled.”
He moved his hand while I kept feeling it like I thought I was able to feel the marks myself. I had thought so often about how I was killed. Now I knew. I looked at Jason and he smiled, acting shy and boyish. Just like I remembered him.
“Thanks,” I said.
“You are welcome.” He was quiet for a long time while he stared over the ocean. “So what was with all the laughing just before?”
“What do you mean?”
He grinned like it had been really funny to watch me. “You were laughing and dancing just before while touching your belly.”
I looked down at the bump. “Oh that … I was just …”
“Something is in there?”
I sighed deeply and touched it gently. “Yes. I think it is a baby.”
“Would it be okay if I ...” he said and reached out his hand.
“Sure.”
I trembled as he put his hand on my stomach and felt it. He looked at me and smiled. I guided his hand and put it where I had last felt something. Then he made a sound and moved his hand quickly. “I think it moved!” he said with a sparkle in his eyes. “I have never felt that before.”
I laughed. “Neither have I.”
“Oh you mean … that was what the dancing was all about?”
“I just felt it for the first time, yes.”
“Wow. That is really something. So … who is the lucky guy?”
I sighed and stared at the ocean. The waves seemed calmer now. “He is … he …”
Jason put a hand up to stop me. “You don’t have to tell me.”
“It’s just a mess right now.”
“It’s perfectly okay. I understand. I’m only a stranger you just met.”
At that point I wanted so badly to tell him everything, just blurt it out, tell him that I had known him for several years, that I was there when he was beaten by his step-dad and his mom killed him, I was there when he bought drugs, I was even there when he injected them into his body and dozed off. I had gone through so much with him, for him, but I couldn’t tell him. It would ruin all of his training at the Academy. Part of it was, after all, to figure out who you were and work on your weaknesses. Part of it was going through stuff that you didn’t understand why you had to go through.
“Thanks,” I said.
“I just hope he knows what he’s got.” Jason smiled and looked up. “I’d better be going now. I have a lot of classes tomorrow and just finding my way through the corridors will take all of my energy. I need my sleep.”
I nodded. I wanted to reach out and grab him. I wanted so badly to pull him close to me, to feel his lips on mine again and hold him in my arms. Instead I restrained myself and smiled softly. “Sleep tight.”
“It was nice meeting you, Meghan.”
“Likewise.”
“Oh … and good luck with the baby and everything.”
My heart dropped. I realized that I really loved Jason. But it was no longer enough. We used to be worlds apart, but now there was a life between us. A new life growing inside of me. It felt like a bigger gap than ever. It was a hurdle we couldn’t get over. I had to think of the baby first and foremost. Jason would eventually get his memory back when he graduated, and then he might remember me and what we had shared, but then it would be too late. The baby would be born and it would be Mick’s. And so would I.
“Thanks,” I said with thick voice.
“Bye now.”
I followed him with my eyes as he went back toward the castle. When he reached the top of the hill he turned and waved at me. I waved back feeling completely lost and abandoned.
Chapter 27
I went directly to Mick’s chamber. He had his own room in a tower in the north end of the castle. I realized I was crying when I woke him up. He looked at me with great surprise.
“What’s going on?” he asked with sleepy voice. “Are you okay?” He sat up and I threw myself in his arms, crying my heart out, letting it all go. He held me tightly and asked no questions until I was done crying.
“Did someone hurt you?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“Did something happen to you?”
I sobbed and nodded.
“What? What happened?”
I looked into his eyes. They were worried and concerned. “I …” I took in a deep breath and tried to calm myself down. “I saw Jason …”
Mick pulled himself away from me and looked at me with disbelief. “You went to him in the middle of the night?”
“No … I was outside, on the cliffs. I was angry at Rahmiel for forcing me to help Rosey even though she killed me and I can’t … and then … then I felt something, like a kick and then I was dancing and Jason saw it.”
Mick shook his head. “Meghan. You are not making any sense here. What is that about Rosey killing you and who kicked you? Jason?”
I laughed through my tears. A light, highly needed laughter. It felt like the greatest relief. “No … Jason didn’t kick me. The baby did.”
Mick looked confused. “What baby? What are you talking …?” Then he went quiet. His eyes widened while thoughts flickered through his mind. “Do you mean … like a real b… are you telling me something here, Meghan?”
I nodded while sobbing and smiling at once.
“You are … you have …,” He put his hand on my belly and felt it.
I laughed while tears were rolling over my face. “Yes, Mick. I am.”
He looked up and I read his next question in his eyes. “And yes. It is yours.”
“That night …? Oh no. You mean to tell me that we made a baby that night?”
I nodded. “It doesn’t matter what happened anymore, how it happened,” I said. “We are having a baby.”
I could tell a million thoughts went through Mick’s head at once. “But I never wanted it to happen that way!”
“I know. Neither did I, but what’s done is done and now we have to focus on our future.”
“But I can never forgive myself for … I am going to think about it every time I look at the baby. How are we supposed to …?” Then he stopped. He looked at me and grabbed my face
between his hands. “Did you say our future?”
I nodded again.
“So you want to … I mean even after …?”
“Let’s just take one day at a time. But yes, Mick I want us to be a family. I want this baby to grow up with both parents caring for it.”
Mick’s expression was so thrilled. His eyes started piling up with tears and soon they were rolling down his cheeks.
“Our own little family. And what about Jason?”
I swallowed a large lump in my throat. “He’s not important. Let’s focus on us.”
“And the wedding?”
“Let’s wait until I’ve graduated.”
Mick started laughing out loud.
“What?” I asked and laughed as well.
“I am just suddenly now understanding something.”
“And what is that?”
“Your sudden cravings for pickles lately? I didn’t get why you kept wanting them so badly whenever I was about to make your food.”
“Oh. That. Well yes. A little cliché, but I really crave them. As a matter of fact I could really go for some right now.”
“Let me make you some.” Mick got up and reached out his hand. I grabbed it and let him pull me up. Then he held me in his arms, pulled me close and kissed me.
We didn’t talk much about the wedding but decided to set the date for two weeks after graduation. I wanted to wait until graduation was done and have a summer wedding, but we agreed that we were in no rush, although we did want to have it done before the baby was born. Then we told everybody at the school that I was pregnant and invited them to join us at our wedding.
We had a meeting with the hospital doctor and he told us that I would be pregnant for nine months. He said that the baby was going to be born as a spirit and that he—or she—would never spend time on earth. He also told us that it was perfectly normal, that a lot of spirits never got to live on earth, but was only born to be in Heaven. It would grow as a child and when it was fully grown it would be given the possibility to choose what age it wanted to be for the rest of eternity.
“It really is perfectly normal. You are not the first two spirits to fall in love and have a child,” he said with a smile. “But given your circumstances and the fact that you will be in an advanced stage of your pregnancy when you graduate, I would recommend that you stay here at the castle during the summer and until the child is born in the fall.”
I agreed to do that. In fact I was happy to. It was nice that I didn’t have to give birth in completely new surroundings. I liked having the same familiar doctors and people around me.
Mick talked to Salathiel and he would be released from his duties at the school as soon as the baby was born, so he could come with me into Heaven and start our new life together.
Everything seemed to be slowly falling into place. Mick and I talked a lot and I felt strongly that he was able to tackle his jealousy and have no more angry outbursts. All in all, we were doing great, I was doing great, although there was something I knew I had to face soon. Something I had not yet decided what to do about. The date of Rosey’s death was getting closer and I had no idea what I was going to do. If I didn’t go to get her, I wouldn’t graduate at all and that would be horrible. I wouldn’t be able to go through the gates of Heaven and we wouldn’t be able to start our new life together as a family. I would have to retake the last year, but how was I supposed to do that with a baby on my arm? I went to the headmaster Salathiel and pleaded him to let me off the hook, to let me graduate even though I didn’t finish my assignment.
“It’s not fair to the other students,” Salathiel answered. “And it is not fair to you either. You were given that assignment not only to help Rosey, but also to bring healing to yourself. Without going through it you will not have learned the lesson we are trying to teach you.”
That just made me even angrier. Why would they put me in this position? “I am not going to help my own killer and that is that. She destroyed my family. I am not going to help her. She put herself in that mess. I can’t help her out of it. Not when I know what she did to me and my parents. End of discussion,” I answered.
Salathiel shrugged. “Well then, you won’t graduate,” he said.
“Look at me,” I said and pointed at my growing stomach. “I can’t take another year in school. What about the baby?”
Salathiel sighed. “We will have to work it out somehow. I am sorry, but you will just have to. Rules are rules.”
Upset to the point where I was afraid I was going to say something that I would later regret, I got up from the chair and was about to go through the door to his chamber when he stopped me.
“Okay.” He sighed. “Given your circumstances I will change your assignment. I will grant you the right to graduate if you do one thing.”
I turned and looked at him. “And what is that?”
“You will finish your assignment if you go there on her death day and talk to her when she dies. Just talk to her spirit as it leaves the body.”
“And that is all? Just talk to her?”
Salathiel nodded with his eyes closed. “Just talk. That’s all.”
“Just say hello or goodbye?”
“That will do, yes. I want you to look into her eyes and talk to her.”
I nodded. I could do that, I was willing to, but no more than that. “Okay,” I said. “I will say goodbye as she is dragged away by the Se’irims.”
Chapter 28
When I woke up one Sunday morning, it took me a moment to remember why I felt so miserable. Then the memory of what was supposed to happen that day rolled over me. This was the day that Rosey was supposed to die.
I had been looking forward to getting my revenge for what she had done to my family, but somehow that feeling left me empty inside. I sat up in bed and slowly put my feet on the marble floor. My roommates’ beds were all empty. Mai, Acacia and Jackline had obviously already gone down for breakfast. I got up and went down to the common room, where I found Abhik sitting in front of the fire. I didn’t feel hungry at all, so I took the chair next to him and sat down.
“Not feeling hungry?” I asked Abhik knowing that yesterday had been his day of decision making. He looked up at me with his big brown eyes.
“I already ate. And you?” He answered.
I shook my head. “No appetite.” I sighed and we both stared into the fire for a long time. “So did you finish your assignment?” I finally asked.
He was rubbing his forehead with his fingers. “Yeah, I did,” he said.
“So what did you end up with?”
He sighed very deep. “I had to let her die.”
“Boy. That had to be tough.”
He looked at me and smiled. “Actually it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Jackline convinced me there was no future for her. That she would be an outcast for the rest of her life, that she would be abused and misused and if the AIDS didn’t kill her in some other way. Some of the villagers might kill her because it was believed she was somehow cursed and she would bring bad luck and diseases to them. So I decided that it was the most humane thing to do. To let her die of the pneumonia while she was still so young that she hadn’t suffered too much emotional damage. And Meghan, I tell you, when I came to get her, I mean you won’t believe it, it was so beautiful. I have never seen anything this amazing. It was …” Abhik had tears in his eyes when he looked at me. “It was really something. I was glad I made this decision. She was so happy to see me and now she is at the nursery in the west tower and she is doing great. They say she is the happiest child they have. She even got to meet her parents yesterday when she just arrived. They have special programs for the small children, you know. They get to be with their loved ones right away, to make them feel comfortable and safe. As it turned out, she has a huge family that was waiting for her to arrive.”
I smiled. That sounded really nice and heartwarming. “I’m glad you made the right decision,” I said, though feeling heavy in my own hea
rt. I wasn’t about to have the same warm and loving experience with my assignment.
“So you are going for yours today?” Abhik asked.
I nodded and avoided his eyes.
“You are going to get her, right?” He asked. “If you don’t you will not graduate, remember?”
“Well Salathiel and I have made a new arrangement, given my circumstances.”
“And what is that?”
“I only have to talk to her. That’s all.”
Abhik whistled.
“What?” I asked a little annoyed. I felt his judgmental look on me.
“Nothing. I just never pictured you as the avenging type. I was really rooting for you. I was certain you would change your mind.”
“The woman killed me. She buried my body somewhere or disposed of it somehow and made my parents live in uncertainty for years.”
“She was convicted of the murder, though. She confessed to it and took her punishment. Doesn’t that mean something?”
I sighed. I had told Abhik way too much about this. Now it all came back to haunt me. He didn’t know what he was talking about. “But my parents never knew for sure. I’ve felt their pain in my dreams. I’ve heard my mother’s screams. She caused that pain. She did that to them. And to me.”
Abhik got quiet and nodded. “At least you have someone to blame for your death,” he said.
“What do you mean?”
“You were killed by a living person. I wish I could have someone to be angry at. I died from a sickness that had been with me for most of my life. Who should I blame? Who should I be mad at? The doctors because they had no cure for me? My parents for giving me bad genes and an inheritable disease? I can’t blame any of them. Then maybe God? Should I throw myself at Jesus and try to beat him up when we enter Heaven because he didn’t cure me? For giving me this? I can’t do that. I don’t know his motives. I don’t know why God didn’t choose to remove my sickness. But at least I think I understand now why he let me die. I guess what I am saying is that I completely understand why you would want to have someone to blame for your death and your parent’s misery. We all would like to have that. But does it give you the right to condemn her to an eternity in hell? You are no more entitled to blame her than I am entitled to blame God.”