“To go,” Stephen added. He was mortified, rightly, by my behavior. I could be willful, but he had never seen me be rude.
Luckily the man behind the counter, who had been listening in on the exchange, called out, “I’ve got it.” He turned his back to us and cooked the eggs. A minute later, he delivered a steaming cup of coffee and a cheese-covered egg sandwich in a brown paper bag. I swaggered out of the diner. The paper coffee cup was so hot that it burned my skin, but I didn’t care. I made things happen. I was powerful. When I snapped my fingers, people jumped. If I couldn’t understand what was making me feel this way, at least I could control the people around me. I threw the egg sandwich, uneaten, on the car floor.
“I thought you were hungry,” Stephen said.
“I’m not anymore.”
Mom and Allen exchanged glances in the front seat.
The traffic was light heading uptown, so we got to Dr. Bailey’s quickly. When I walked into the office, something felt different about the place, odd, alien. I felt like Gonzo walking into the casino after he had dropped mescaline in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Nothing was as it seemed, and everything dripped with apocalyptic meaning. The other waiting patients were caricatures, subhuman; the glass window that separated the receptionist from us seemed utterly barbaric; the Miró was smiling down at me again with that twisted, unnatural grin. We waited. It could have been minutes or several hours, I have no idea. Time didn’t exist here. Eventually a middle-aged female technician called me into an examination room, wheeling in a cart behind her. She dug out a box full of electrodes and pasted all twenty-one of them, one by one, onto my scalp; first rubbing the dry skin, and then fixing them to my head with some kind of glue. She turned off the lights.
“Relax,” she said. “And keep your eyes closed until I tell you to open them. Breathe deeply in and out. One complete breath for every two seconds.”
She counted for me, one, two, exhale; one, two, exhale; one, two, exhale. And then faster, one, exhale; one, exhale; one, exhale. It went on forever. My face flushed, and I started to get dizzy and lightheaded. I heard her fiddling around with something across the room so I opened my eyes enough to see her handling a small flashlight.
“Open your eyes and look directly into the light,” she said. It pulsated like a strobe, but with no apparent rhythm to its pattern. When she turned on the light to remove the electrodes, she began to speak to me.
“So are you a student?”
“No.”
“What do you do?”
“I’m a reporter. I write for a newspaper.”
“Stressful, huh?”
“Sure, I guess.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” she said, gathering the electrodes back into the box. “I’ve seen this dozens of times, mostly with bankers and Wall Street guys who come in here all stressed out. There’s nothing wrong with them; it’s all in their heads.” It’s all in my head. When she closed the door behind her, I smiled. That smile turned into a laugh, a belly laugh dripping with bitterness and resentment. It all made sense. This was all a ruse, set up to punish me for my bad behavior and tell me that I’m suddenly cured. Why would they try to trick me? Why would they arrange something this elaborate? She wasn’t a nurse. She was a hired actor.
My mother was the only person left in the waiting room; Allen had left to get the car, and Stephen, overwhelmed by my harrowing behavior on the ride in, had called his mom for consolation and advice. I gave my mom a wide, toothy smile.
“What’s so funny?”
“Oh! You thought I wouldn’t figure it out. Where’s the mastermind?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You and Allen set this all up. You hired that woman. You hired everyone here. You told her what to say. You wanted to punish me. Well, it didn’t work. I’m too smart for your tricks.”
My mom’s mouth fell open in horror, but my paranoia read it as nothing more than mock-surprise.
CHAPTER 13
BUDDHA
The whole time I’d been in Summit, I had been begging to return to my Manhattan apartment. I felt constantly under surveillance by my family. So on Sunday, the day after my EEG, my mom, exhausted by the week of sleepless nights and constant monitoring, agreed, against her better judgment, to let me revisit my apartment under one condition: I spend the night at my father’s house. Though my behavior was worsening day by day, it was still difficult for her to reconcile the old image that she had of her daughter as trustworthy, hard working, and independent with the new, unpredictable, and dangerous one.
I quickly consented to spend the night with my father—I would have said anything to get back to my own studio. I felt calmer as soon as we arrived in Hell’s Kitchen, being so close to freedom again. As soon as we saw my father and Giselle waiting outside on the front stoop of my building, I bounded out of the car. My mom and Allen didn’t follow, but they did wait until the three of us were safely inside before driving away.
I was delighted to be back in my safe haven. Here was my cat, Dusty, a blue-haired stray who’d been tended by my friend Zach during my weeklong absence. I was even glad to see the unwashed clothes and black plastic bags filled with books and debris and the garbage overflowing with stale food. Home sweet home.
“What’s that smell?” my father asked. I hadn’t cleaned my apartment since the last time he came, and it had only gotten worse. Some of the leftover shrimp from the meal Stephen had cooked had spoiled in the garbage. Without hesitating, my father and Giselle began cleaning. They scrubbed the floors and disinfected every inch of that small apartment, but I didn’t even offer to help. I just walked around them, watching them clean and pretending to gather my things.
“I’m so messy!” I said, stroking my cat triumphantly. “Messy, messy, messy!”
After they finished, my father motioned for me to follow him out of the apartment.
“Nah,” I said, nonchalantly. “I think I’m just going to stay here.”
“Absolutely not.”
“How about I meet you in Brooklyn after I get a few things together?”
“Absolutely not.”
“I will not leave!”
Dad and Giselle exchanged knowing glances, like they had prepared for such an outburst. Presumably Mom had warned them about me. Giselle rounded up the cleaning supplies and headed downstairs to get away from the unfolding unpleasantness.
“Come on, Susannah, we’ll grab some coffee. I’ll cook you dinner. It will be nice and calm. Just come over.”
“No.”
“Please. Will you do this for me?” he asked. It took a half hour but finally I agreed, grabbing a handful of underwear and a few other clean clothes. The illness seemed to wane momentarily, allowing the old, reasonable Susannah to return briefly. The three of us chatted a little as we walked toward the subway on Forty-Second Street. But the calm didn’t last long. Paranoia took hold as I was crossing Ninth Avenue. My father has taken my keys. I have no way to get back to my apartment. I am his prisoner.
“No. No. No!” I shouted in the middle of the street, stopping just as the lights turned green. “I’m not going. I want to go home!” I felt my dad’s tight grip on my shoulders as he pushed me out of the way of the oncoming traffic. I continued to scream as he hailed a cab. When the cab pulled up, he pushed me inside, and Giselle entered on the other side so I was wedged between them. They were determined to prevent another escape attempt.
“They’re kidnapping me. Call the police! Call the police! They’re taking me against my will!” I screamed at the Middle Eastern cab driver. He looked back in his rearview mirror but did not drive. “Let me go. I’m calling the cops!”
“Get out. Leave car. Now,” the driver said.
My father gripped the bulletproof partition and said, through gritted teeth, “You better fucking drive. Don’t you dare stop.”
I can’t imagine what the driver thought, because it must have looked tremendously suspicious, but he obliged. Soon he started
to speed, darting in and out of traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge.
“I’m calling the police when I get out. You’ll see. You’ll be arrested for kidnapping!” I shouted at my dad. The driver glanced at us warily in the mirror.
“You do that,” my dad said nastily. Giselle remained quiet and looked out the window, as if trying to block out the scene. Then my father softened his voice: “Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this to me?” Honestly, I had no idea. But I was convinced I wasn’t safe in his care.
By the time we arrived at their brownstone in Brooklyn Heights, I was too exhausted to fight anymore. I had nothing left, which wasn’t surprising since I hadn’t eaten or slept in a week. When we got inside, Giselle and my father headed to the kitchen. They began to cook my favorite meal, penne arrabiata, as I sat on the couch in the living room, staring dazedly at my father’s busts of Abraham Lincoln and George Washington. My father’s house is an ode to American wars, filled with antiques and memorabilia spanning the Revolutionary War to World War II. He even calls one anteroom that separates the den from the living room the “war room.” There are muskets from the Civil War; M1 Garands that were used from World War I to Vietnam; Colt revolvers from the 1800s; a Revolutionary War sword and a soldier’s hat from the same era. Before the divorce, he’d kept most of these possessions in our Summit house’s family room, which scared off many boyfriends during my high school years.
They set the long harvest table and brought over a heaping, pulsating dish of reds, greens, and yellows—tomato, basil, cheese, and penne—in a blue Le Creuset pot. Pancetta glistened unnaturally in the blood-red tomato sauce. I stifled the urge to vomit or throw the penne against the wall and just watched as my dad and Giselle ate the pasta in silence.
After dinner, I went into the kitchen to get some water. Giselle was cleaning. She walked past me to put the dishes in the sink, and as she moved, I heard her say, “You’re a spoiled brat.” The words hung in the air around me, like pockets of smoke. I didn’t see her mouth move.
“What did you say to me?”
“Nothing,” she said, looking surprised.
My father waited for me in his den in a patterned antique rocking chair that had belonged to his aunt. I opted for silence about what I believed Giselle had called me.
“Stay here with me tonight?” I asked him instead, sitting on the leather couch by his side. The TV was off, so we made small talk, our conversation punctuated by uneasy blocks of silence. “I’m scared of being alone.”
“Of course,” he said.
Then: “Leave me alone! Get out of the room.”
And then, all over again: “I’m sorry. Will you please stay?”
This went on for several hours, moving from hysterics to accusations and then back to apologies. Beyond that, I can’t remember much at all of that night, which might be my body’s way of trying to preserve some self-respect. No one wants to think of herself as a monster. My father doesn’t remember what happened either, although it’s more likely that he has consciously chosen to forget. I do know that I said something terrible to him—something so awful that it made my father cry, the first time I had ever seen him cry in my life. But instead of generating sympathy, this just added to my twisted need for power. I ordered him to leave the room and go back upstairs to his bedroom.
A few moments later, a sickening blast and boom came from upstairs. POUND POUND POUND. I chose to ignore it.
I walked into his war room; picked up the Revolutionary War sword; removed it from its sheath, entranced by the blade; and then returned it. Then I heard Giselle’s voice. She was pleading with my father. “Please don’t hurt me,” she begged. “Don’t hurt me because of her.”
Again, the imaginary POUND POUND POUND.
I returned to the den and sat back down on the leather couch. A painting depicting the drafting of the Declaration of Independence bustled with activity. Over the fireplace, a large oil painting of a railroad scene came to life, the train emitting tufts of coal-covered smog. The bust of Lincoln seemed to follow me with its sunken eyes. The dollhouse that my father made for me when I was a child was haunted.
POUND POUND POUND.
It was the sound of fists hitting a hard object, like a skull. I could see it all clearly. He was beating her because he was upset with me.
POUND POUND POUND.
I needed to find an exit. There had to be some way out. I clawed at the apartment door frantically but found it locked from the outside. Is he keeping me in here to kill me next? I hurled myself against the door, ignoring the shooting pains in my right shoulder. I must get out. Let me out.
“Let me out! Let me out! Someone help me!” I screamed, banging my fists against the door. I heard my father’s heavy footsteps on the stairs above me. I ran. Where? Bathroom. I locked the door behind me and tried to move the heavy eight-foot armoire against the door to barricade myself in. The window. It overlooked a two-story drop; I figured I could survive the fall.
“Susannah, are you okay? Please open the door.”
Yes, I could probably have made the jump. But then I caught sight of a small Buddha that Giselle kept on the bathroom counter. It smiled at me. I smiled back. Everything would be all right.
CHAPTER 14
SEARCH AND SEIZURE
Early the next morning, my mom and Allen arrived to pick me up. When I saw the Subaru, I bolted from my father’s house.
“They kidnapped me. They held me against my will. Bad things are happening there. Drive,” I commanded.
My father had already relayed the story of what had occurred overnight. After I had said those terrible things and insisted that he leave, he went upstairs to a room where he could monitor me through thin walls without my knowing. He tried to stay awake but nodded off. As soon as he heard me trying to break free, he ran downstairs to find me barricaded in the bathroom. It had taken him over an hour to coax me out and onto the couch, where he sat with me until dawn. He had called my mother, and they agreed that I needed to be admitted to the hospital. But they remained adamant about one thing: I would not be placed in a psychiatric ward.
Allen drove me straight back to Dr. Bailey’s office as I rested in the backseat, once again resigned to my fate.
“Her EEG was completely normal,” Bailey protested, looking through my file. “MRI normal, exam normal, blood work normal. It’s all normal.”
“Well, she’s not normal,” my mom snapped as I sat there, quiet and polite with my hands folded in my lap. She and Allen had made a pact that they would not leave Dr. Bailey’s office without getting me admitted to a hospital.
“Let me put this as delicately as possible,” the doctor said. “She’s drinking too much, and she’s exhibiting the classic signs of alcohol withdrawal.” The symptoms matched: anxiety, depression, fatigue, irritability, mood swings, nightmares, headache, insomnia, loss of appetite, nausea or vomiting, confusion, hallucinations, and seizures. “I know it’s hard to hear about your own daughter. But, really, there’s nothing more I can say. She just has to take the medication and knock off the partying,” he said and winked conspiratorially at me.
“Alcohol withdrawal?” My mother brandished a piece of redlined paper that she had prepared. “These are her symptoms: seizures, insomnia, paranoia, and it’s all just getting worse. I haven’t seen her drink in over a week. She needs to be hospitalized, now. Not tomorrow. Now.”
He looked at me and back at her. He had no doubt he was right but knew better than to argue. “I’ll make some calls and see what I can do. But I have to repeat: my feeling on this is that it’s a reaction to excessive alcohol consumption.”
He left the office for a brief moment, returning with news. “NYU has a twenty-four-hour EEG monitoring floor. Would you be happy with that?”
“Yes,” my mom said.
“They have a hospital bed ready this moment. I don’t know how long it will be open, so I would advise you to go to NYU immediately.”
“Great,” she said, gathering her
purse and folding her paper. “We’ll go right away.”
We entered through revolving doors into the busy, recently remodeled lobby of New York University Langone Medical Center. Nurses sprinted by in green scrubs, followed by nurses’ assistants in purple scrubs; doctors in white lab coats chatted at the crossroads of the corridors; the patients, some with bandages, some on crutches, some in wheelchairs, some on gurneys, journeyed past, dead-eyed and unspeaking. There was no way I belonged here.
We found our way to Admitting, which was a group of chairs surrounding a small desk, where a woman dispatched patients to different floors across the gigantic hospital.
“I want coffee,” I said.
My mother looked annoyed. “Really? Now? Fine. But be back right away.” A part of my mom believed the old, responsible me was still in there somewhere, and she simply trusted that I wouldn’t escape. Luckily, this time she was right.
A small stand nearby sold coffee and baked goods. I calmly chose a cappuccino and a yogurt.
“What do you have on your mouth?” my mother asked when I returned. “And why are you smiling like that?”
The strange taste of foam, a mixture of saliva and steamed milk, on my upper lip.
White lab coats.
The hospital’s cold floor.
“She’s having a seizure!” My mom’s voice echoed across the vast hallway as three doctors descended on my shaking body.
From here on, I remember only very few bits and pieces, mostly hallucinatory, from the time in the hospital. Unlike before, there are now no glimmers of the reliable “I,” the Susannah I had been for the previous twenty-four years. Though I had been gradually losing more and more of myself over the past few weeks, the break between my consciousness and my physical body was now finally fully complete. In essence, I was gone. I wish I could understand my behaviors and motivations during this time, but there was no rational consciousness operating, nothing I could access anymore, then or now. This was the beginning of my lost month of madness.