“I am going to enlist. I am going to defend my country against the Nazis.”
“Fool,” Gilde said, crossing her arms around her chest. She wanted to sound curt, but in fact, she was terrified for him. His fervor made him look brave and exciting, but war was not a game. Although she’d never experienced it, Gilde knew this instinctively. She’d seen the Nazis in action when they’d attacked her small neighborhood. What would they do to the British in an all-out war? What would they do to Thomas?
“I’d be a coward to sit back and let the country fight without me,” he said.
Jane gasped. All the color left her face.
“Don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself,” Thomas said, sitting up proudly.
“You’re too young. You’re only sixteen. They won’t take you,” Gilde said, turning on him with a glare of disdain for upsetting Jane.
“I’ll lie. I’ll tell them I’m eighteen. They need volunteers. They’ll take me.”
“Don’t go…” Jane said. “Please, Thomas.” She grabbed the sleeve of his shirt. And it broke Gilde’s heart to see how much Jane cared for Thomas.
“I have to, Jane.”
“I know your parents must have talked about the Great War. Mine did. Oh God, Thomas. You could be killed, easily,” Jane said. There were tears in her eyes. Gilde took Jane’s hand in both of hers. She’d been young when she left Germany, but even she could remember Taavi and Michal talking about the horrors of the Great War, and she dreaded what the future might hold for all of them. Gilde was not only worried about her new family, about Jane and Thomas, but although she didn’t speak of it, her nerves were on fire when she thought about her parents and Alina. Lotti and Lev as well.
Jane took her hand from Gilde’s and began to rub Thomas’s shoulder. “I couldn’t stand it if something happened to you, Tom,” she said.
Gilde tried to sit still, but her body was trembling, and although it was cool with a light breeze, but not cold outside, she was freezing. It all seemed more than she could bear. She’d been ripped from her home and her loved ones only to be thrust into a war that was sure to bring even more tragedy.
Then Thomas turned to Gilde. “You’re shaking.”
“I’m alright,” she said, clearing her throat.
“Are you sure, Gilde?” Jane asked.
“Yes, yes, I’m fine…” she lied.
Then Thomas took Gilde’s hand and ignored the fact that Jane was sitting right beside them. “Marry me, Gilde. Marry me before I leave,” Thomas said.
Jane looked from Gilde to Thomas and then back to Gilde again. The shock on her face was alarming to Gilde.
“What? Thomas, are you out of your mind?” Gilde glared at him and pulled her hand away. “First of all, I have no romantic interest in you, and you have a lot of nerve even asking me something so outlandish.”
“It’s not outlandish, Gilde. You know how I feel.”
Gilde felt like she might vomit “This is all too much for me. Please don’t do this, Thomas.” She stood up and walked away from Thomas. She wanted to put physical distance between them. Chronologically Gilde was a child, but she had the face of an angel with long golden hair and the curvaceous body of a woman.
“You know I am in love with you. And I see the way that you look at me. I am not blind. I know what you’re feeling. I can see it in your eyes.” Thomas got up and walked over to Gilde. Then he put his hand on Gilde’s arm and tried to pull her towards him.
“You’re insane,” Gilde said, shaking his hand off.
“Have the two of you been seeing each other … behind my back?” Jane stammered, cocking her head to one side as if suddenly realizing she’d missed something that was going on right under her nose. “Behind my back?” she repeated. Her voice told Gilde she felt betrayed.
“No, we have not,” Gilde said with strong conviction.
“But, I have told you how I feel,” Thomas said. “And although you won’t admit it, I know you feel the same way about me, Gilde.”
“You are wrong, Thomas. I told you I have no interest in you and I mean it. How dare you do this to me and Jane? How dare you!” Gilde said. She was almost crying when she turned to look at Jane, whose face was drained of blood and had turned a pale gray. “Jane, please, you must believe me, I have no feelings for him, none at all. And... Nothing has ever happened between us,” Gilde said. Where she had been cold before, now she was sweating. Her face was red with anger.
“You say you have no feelings for me. But I don’t believe you. The only reason you deny you care for me is because you love Jane and you know how she feels about me. War is upon us, Gilde. Who knows if any of us will survive? Think about it, Gilde. Don’t give up this chance to be with someone you love. I know you love me. I can see it in your eyes, even now.”
“You are one arrogant bastard,” Gilde said.
“Gilde, tell me the truth. How do you feel about Thomas?” Jane said. “Because if you care for him and him for you then I want the two of you to be together.”
“I don’t care for him. Not at all,” Gilde lied. She did care for him, but she cared for Jane much more.
“I don’t believe you,” Thomas said.
“Well, it’s true. In fact if I have any feelings for you at all right now, I would have to say that I hate you. I hate you for doing this to me and Jane,” Gilde said, then she fixed her eyes fiercely on him. She was shaking and her hands were clenched in fists. There was nothing more to say. Gilde turned and walked back into the house, leaving Thomas and Jane outside to talk alone.
Later that night when Jane entered the bedroom she shared with Gilde, the light was off, but Gilde was still awake. Jane quietly undressed then got into bed. For a long time they were both silent. Then Jane whispered, “Is it true, Gilde? Do you love him?”
“It’s not true.”
“I want you to know that if you do, I understand. I know you would never want to hurt me. I know you would lie and give up your own happiness in exchange for mine.”
“I don’t care about him at all. He can go straight to Hell for all I care.”
“He told me that he had feelings for you for a long time. He told me he told you. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want to hurt you. I don’t want this to come between us, Jane. You are my best friend.”
“But if it is you he wants not me. And if you feel the same way about him, then who am I to stand in your way….”
“I said I am not interested in him.”
“Gilde, I know you well enough to know when you’re lying,” Jane said.
“Why do you want me to tell you that I am attracted to Thomas? Why, Jane? Why do you want me to say that? Of course I am attracted to him. So is every girl in school. But, that doesn’t mean that I would ever act upon it. I find him handsome, but I love you. You are like my sister. And you have loved him, and from the day I met him I knew that. So, I would never let my own feelings towards Thomas go beyond friendship. And I swear I never will.”
Jane was silent.
“Janey?”
“It’s alright, Gilde….”
“No, it’s not. How can I make it right?”
“You can’t. It’s not your fault. The facts are the facts. Thomas is leaving to go to war. He may or may not return. God help us. But regardless of anything, he doesn’t care for me the way I care for him. So, there is nothing more to say,” Jane said.
“Jane….”
“Go to sleep, Gilde…” Jane said, turning over. Tears ran down Jane’s cheeks and wet her pillow.
CHAPTER 15
After Thomas left, something crucial had changed between Gilde and Jane. On the surface things were the same, but Gilde could feel that Jane had pulled away. The easy laughter between them became more stilted. Before, the girls had giggled well into the night sharing secrets, but now Gilde could feel that Jane was guarded around her. She couldn’t tell if it was because she hadn’t told Ja
ne about Thomas’s feelings or if it was because Jane knew that she had been attracted to Thomas all along. And the worst part was that the invisible wall Jane had built between them kept Gilde from asking. Still all of their outside activities remained unchanged. Every Sunday after church, Gilde and Jane met with their friends. But now most of the boys had gone off to war and the group was almost all girls. And, although no one dared speak the words aloud, each of the girls feared it was only a matter of time before the death notices would begin to arrive.
CHAPTER 16
Gilde 1940
Food was needed for the troops and therefore food rationing began. The Kendalls were given a ration book for Gilde as well as for their own family, but the rations were low and everyone had to make to do with much less.
Things were moving quickly in the world.
In May of that same year, Winston Churchill became prime minister.
Hitler’s lust for power was insatiable, and on May 10th he invaded France, Holland, and Belgium.
By late May the Germans had reached the English Channel.
Then on June 22, 1940, in a railroad car in the Compiegne Forest, France surrendered. But Churchill made it clear to the world that Britain would never surrender. Even if it turned out that Britain must fight Hitler alone.
Less than a week later Norway dropped into the hands of the Nazis.
Although it had been a year since Thomas left, things were never the same. Thomas’s interest in Gilde had put a rift between Gilde and Jane. Where they were once best friends they were now more like polite roommates. Gilde assumed by the hours Jane was keeping and the way she was primping, that she was seeing someone. But Gilde couldn’t be sure because Jane never introduced her boyfriend to Gilde. Instead she drifted further away with each passing day. Most nights Jane did not come home for dinner. She got home late and went straight to bed. The late night sharing of their deepest secrets and giggling until the sun began to peek through the darkness no longer happened. Jane had become secretive and distant. And Gilde was saddened by the loss of her dearest friend. Many times Gilde tried to re-establish the old deep friendship, but something was lost and could never be regained.
Thomas had made this mess of her life, and Gilde couldn’t forgive him even though she knew he didn’t realize how important her relationship with Jane was to her. How could he? Thomas had never been separated from his family and friends the way she had. Jane had been her lifeline in Britain and now without her, Gilde was lost.
The nights Jane joined the family for dinner had become few and far between. But one night Jane stayed home because she said she had an announcement to make to the family. After they’d finished eating the small meal that the rations allowed, Jane told her parents that she was planning to begin nurses training in order to go to the front and help the wounded soldiers. Gilde was not surprised that Jane hadn’t told her. In the past, before Thomas, Jane would have discussed this with Gilde long before she’d brought it to her parents’ attention. But, the Jane who was once her best friend was gone and in her place was a quiet somber girl who kept secrets from Gilde. The Kendalls tried to discourage their daughter. They were frightened for her. However, Jane was determined. She told them that she planned to go to the battlefront where she could be of use and care for the wounded soldiers. Gilde, too, tried to talk to Jane. She was worried. “Jane, you’re putting herself in real danger, you could easily be killed,” Gilde said, but Jane just smiled a sad, distant smile. The next day she signed up for training.
Because she no longer had Jane’s friendship to depend upon, Gilde joined a local drama group. She’d always wanted to be an actress. If she didn’t have her German accent, there was no doubt she would have been cast in a lead. Gilde could sing, dance, and act. Her beauty mesmerized the audience, but her German accent repelled the British. They were at war with Germany, and even though Gilde was as much an enemy of the Nazis as the British, because she was born in Germany, they saw her as a German. So, she worked with the techs to design costumes out of old fabric and build a set with almost no materials. Since the war began, and without Jane’s friendship to buffer, the other girls in the crowd she and Jane had been a part of began to grow standoffish towards Gilde. Gilde was lonely and more homesick than she’d been in a very long time. She wasn’t a practicing Jew, so she always attended the rehearsals at the drama club on Saturday afternoons. On such a day in early September, the rehearsal ran late into the afternoon. It had been a long, tedious rehearsal and the director refused to dismiss the cast or crew until he was satisfied. It was getting dark and Gilde felt bad because she doubted she’d be home in time to help Mrs. Kendall prepare dinner. She began walking quickly towards the corner where she could catch a tram when she heard a loud blast. The ground moved beneath her. It was as if the world had exploded. The Germans had bombed London before, but this was more intense. People came dashing out of the shops and into the street, many of them screaming. Others just stood where they were, paralyzed in shock. A small child was sitting on the pavement where she had fallen, her thumb in her mouth, weeping in fear. The sound of the bombs, the roar of the planes, and the cries of the people combined to a deafening scream that pierced Gilde’s soul. Although at least a hundred people had come out of their apartments and stores into the street to see what was happening and Gilde was in the middle of the crowd, she had never felt so alone. German planes hovered overhead surrounded by smoke that was billowing up from the blaze below. The sky had become a cloud in shades of gray. So thick was the smoke that Gilde’s eyes were tearing and she coughed, unable to breath. Orange flames burst into the air like fireworks from nearby buildings. Gilde was unable to move. Her feet seemed to be glued to the ground. Her body was suddenly chilled and trembled in terror. The stack of school books she’d been carrying fell from her hands, but she did not bend down to pick them up. Instead, frozen in the moment, she watched the panic all around her An explosion erupted in front of her. Her eyes grew large as body parts flew through the air like broken Tinkertoys. She fell backwards into a pile of broken glass from a store window and hit her head on the pavement. Then she heard screaming and got up as quickly as she could. Her head ached, and she was dizzy. Everything around her seemed unreal and spinning. When a splash of blood slapped her in the face, it woke her and now she could move her feet. Her legs were unsteady, but she began to run. Then just to her left she heard another blast, and saw another burst of fire, so she turned right and began running again. Gilde had no idea where she was going. All she knew was that she had joined the herd of people who had become frightened animals. Running, just running without any idea of where to go. Blood dripped down her cheek and from her forearm, but she wasn’t sure how badly she was hurt. She could feel no pain. So much glass and debris were flying through the air. Then a man came out of one of the stores and grabbed her arm. He pulled her into the shop, then through a hallway and down a flight of stairs to a dark cement basement. Her heart pounded. She didn’t know this man, but she was too frightened to resist. The bombs continued falling outside and she felt as if this might be the end of the world.
CHAPTER 17
1940 London Shaul
It was late on a Saturday afternoon. Shaul had never been religious, so he had never taken off work for the Sabbath. It was a long day and Shaul was exhausted. He had not seen Jane, the beautiful girl, today. But he’d created an entire scenario in his mind. It eased his loneliness to pretend that she was his girl and that they were engaged. The fantasy kept him from thoughts of suicide. Without his dreams, all he had to look forward to was his work with the milkman and the home life with the old woman. He saw Gilde two more times, but that was many months ago before the war began, and would have approached her, but she was with Jane and he was so afraid that once he met Jane he would have to accept reality when she rejected him. So, he’d stopped looking for Gilde and Jane and decided that he would rather keep the dream alive than die in the reality. Shaul knew that so many of the men his age had enlisted and
were on their way to fight Hitler, but he was a coward. He knew it and he hated himself for it. He’d always been clumsy and was afraid that he would not be able to stay alive in a battle. So far there was no draft and as long as the enlistment remained voluntary, Shaul could make believe that he was staying behind because the old lady needed him. It was true, she did. He brought in money and milk every week, and he was glad to be able to help. But deep in his heart Shaul was ashamed because he knew he was afraid to go to war and that was what kept him from enlisting.
It was late afternoon in early fall. The trees had begun to shed their leaves. It was the time of day when the sun was just at that point in the sky when she was about to surrender her reign to the moon goddess of the night. In the glow of the late afternoon sun the leaves were a blanket of vivid color. Fall was a beautiful time of year, but for Shaul it was also a reminder of what was to come. The miserable English winter. He had still not gotten used to the cold and the terrible rash that came with it. The hot water bottles in the bed did little to soothe him and he dreaded the months ahead.
Mr. Brighton, the milkman, and Shaul’s boss, was rattling off orders but Shaul was hardly listening. “I’m tired, I haven’t been feeling well lately. Clean the wagon. Bring the empty bottles in and wash them,” Brighton said.
Shaul nodded The routine was the same every day. He didn’t need the instructions, but Brighton seemed to feel that he had to repeat them every afternoon. Brighton went inside. Shaul was glad that his boss was gone. Now he could let his mind wander and think about the lovely Jane. He began to unload the empty bottles and to line them up.
In his mind he and Jane were dancing, a waltz. She was floating in his arms. He could smell her perfume and feel the warmth of the small of her back under his right hand. Shaul looked into her eyes. He wasn’t sure of the color. He’d never been close enough to Jane to see the color of her eyes. So, he fantasized that her eyes were aqua blue. She smiled at him. He leaned down and felt her lips brush against his.