“But that is in the past now, where it belongs. I don’t even want your sorrow for it, Mack. I just want us to grow on together without it.”
“I want that too,” Mack said, reaching for another scone. “Aren’t you going to eat any of these?”
“Nah, you go ahead; you know how it is—start cookin’ and tastin’ this and that and before you know it, you’ve used up your whole appetite. You enjoy,” Papa said and nudged the tray toward him.
He took another and sat back to savor it. “Jesus said it was your idea to give me some time with Missy this afternoon. I can’t begin to find words to thank you for that!”
“Aww, you’re welcome, honey. It gave me great joy too! I was so looking forward to puttin’ you two together I could hardly stand it.”
“I wish Nan could have been here for that.”
“That would have made it perfect!” Papa agreed with excitement.
Mack sat in silence, unsure what she meant or how to respond.
“Isn’t Missy special?” She shook her head back and forth. “My, my, my, I’m especially fond of that one.”
“Me too!” Mack beamed and thought of his princess behind the waterfall. Princess? Waterfall? Wait a minute! Papa watched as the tumblers fell into place.
“Obviously you know about my daughter’s fascination with waterfalls and especially the legend of the Multnomah princess.”
Papa nodded.
“Is that what this is about? Did she have to die so you could change me?”
“Whoa there, Mack.” Papa leaned forward. “That’s not how I do things.”
“But she loved that story so much.”
“Of course she did. That’s how she came to appreciate what Jesus did for her and the whole human race. Stories about a person willing to exchange his or her life for another’s are a golden thread in your world, revealing both your need and my heart.”
“But if she hadn’t died, I wouldn’t be here now…”
“Mack, just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn’t mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don’t ever assume that my using something means I caused it or that I needed it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn’t depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors.”
“Actually, that’s a relief. I couldn’t bear to think that my pain might have cut short her life.”
“She was not your sacrifice, Mack. She is and will always be your joy. That’s enough purpose for her.”
Mack settled back in his chair, surveying the view from the porch. “I feel so full!”
“Well, you’ve eaten most of the scones.”
“That’s not what I meant.” He laughed. “And you know it. The world just looks a thousand times brighter and I feel a thousand times lighter.”
“You are, Mack! It’s not easy being the judge of the entire world.” Papa’s smile reassured Mack that this new ground was safe.
“Or judging you,” he added. “I was quite a mess… worse off than I thought. I have totally misunderstood who you are in my life.”
“Not totally, Mack. We’ve had some wonderful moments too. So let’s not make more of it than it is.”
“But I always liked Jesus better than you. He seemed so gracious and you seemed so…”
“Mean? Sad, isn’t it? He came to show people who I am and most folks believe the qualities he portrayed were unique to him. They still play us off like good cop/bad cop most of the time, especially the religious folk. When they want people to do what they think is right, they need a stern God. When they need forgiveness, they run to Jesus.”
“Exactly,” Mack said with a point of his finger.
“But we were all in him. He reflected my heart exactly. I love you and invite you to love me.”
“But why me? I mean, why Mackenzie Allen Phillips? Why do you love someone who is such a screwup? After all the things I’ve felt in my heart toward you and all the accusations I’ve made, why would you even bother to keep trying to get through to me?”
“Because that is what love does,” answered Papa. “Remember, Mackenzie, I don’t wonder what you will do or what choices you will make. I already know. Let’s say, for example, I am trying to teach you how not to hide inside lies—hypothetically, of course,” she said with a wink. “And let’s say that I know it will take you forty-seven situations and events before you will actually hear me—that is, before you will hear clearly enough to agree with me and change. So when you don’t hear me the first time, I’m not frustrated or disappointed, I’m thrilled. Only forty-six more times to go! And that first time will be a building block to construct a bridge of healing that one day—that today—you will walk across.”
“Okay, now I’m feeling guilty,” he admitted.
“Let me know how that works for you.” Papa chuckled. “Seriously, Mackenzie, it’s not about feeling guilty. Guilt’ll never help you find freedom in me. The best it can do is make you try harder to conform to some ethic on the outside. I’m about the inside.”
“But what you said, I mean, about hiding inside lies. I guess I’ve done that one way or another most of my life.”
“Honey, you’re a survivor. No shame in that. Your daddy hurt you something fierce. Life hurt you. Lies are one of the easiest places for survivors to run. They give you a sense of safety, a place where you have to depend only on yourself. But it’s a dark place, isn’t it?”
“So dark,” Mack muttered with a shake of his head.
“But are you willing to give up the power and safety it promises you? That’s the question.”
“What do you mean?” asked Mack, looking up at her.
“Lies are a little fortress; inside them you can feel safe and powerful. Through your little fortress of lies you try to run your life and manipulate others. But the fortress needs walls, so you build some. These are the justifications for your lies. You know, like you are doing this to protect someone you love, to keep them from feeling pain. Whatever works, just so you feel okay about the lies.”
“But the reason I didn’t tell Nan about the note was because it would have caused her so much hurt.”
“See? There you go, Mackenzie, justifying yourself. What you just said is a bold-faced lie, but you can’t see it.” She leaned forward. “Do you want me to tell you what the truth is?”
Mack knew Papa was going deep, and somewhere inside he was both relieved to be talking about this and tempted to almost laugh out loud. He was no longer embarrassed by it. “No-o-o-o.” He drew his answer out slowly and smirked up at her. “But go ahead anyway.”
She smiled back and then grew serious. “The truth is, Mack, the real reason you did not tell Nan was not because you were trying to save her from pain. The real reason was that you were afraid of having to deal with the emotions you might have encountered, both from her and in yourself. Emotions scare you, Mack. You lied to protect yourself, not her!”
He sat back. Papa was absolutely right.
“And furthermore,” she continued, “such a lie is unloving. In the name of caring about her, your lie became an inhibitor in your relationship with her, and in her relationship with me. If you had told her, maybe she would be here with us now.”
Papa’s words hit Mack like a punch in the stomach. “You wanted her to come too?”
“That was your decision and hers, if she had ever been given the chance to make it. The point is, Mack, you don’t know what would have happened because you were so busy ‘protecting’ Nan.”
And again he was floundering in guilt. “So, what do I do now?”
“You tell her, Mackenzie. You face the fear of coming out of the dark and tell her, and you ask for her forgiveness and let her forgiveness heal you. Ask her to pray for you, Mack. Take the risks of honesty. When you mess up again, ask for forgiveness again. It’s a process, honey, and life is real enough without having to be obscured by lies. And remember, I am
bigger than your lies. I can work beyond them. But that doesn’t make them right or stop the damage they do or the hurt they cause others.”
“What if she doesn’t forgive me?” Mack knew that this was indeed a very deep fear that he lived with. It felt safer to continue to throw new lies on the growing pile of old ones.
“Ah, that is the risk of faith, Mack. Faith does not grow in the house of certainty. I am not here to tell you that Nan will forgive you. Perhaps she won’t or can’t, but my life inside you will appropriate risk and uncertainty to transform you by your own choices into a truth teller, and that will be a miracle greater than raising the dead.”
Mack sat back and let her words sink in. “Will you please forgive me?” Mack finally offered.
“Did that a long time ago, Mack. If you don’t believe me, ask Jesus. He was there.”
Mack took a sip of his coffee, surprised to find that it was still as hot as when he first sat down. “But I’ve tried pretty hard to lock you out of my life.”
“People are tenacious when it comes to the treasure of their imaginary independence. They hoard and hold their sickness with a firm grip. They find their identity and worth in their brokenness and guard it with every ounce of strength they have. No wonder grace has such little attraction. In that sense you have tried to lock the door of your heart from the inside.”
“But I didn’t succeed.”
“That’s because my love is a lot bigger than your stupidity,” Papa said with a wink. “I used your choices to work perfectly into my purposes. There are many folk like you, Mackenzie, who end up locking themselves into a very small place with a monster that will ultimately betray them, that will not fill or deliver what they thought it would. Imprisoned with such a terror, they once again have the opportunity to return to me. The very treasure they trusted in will become their undoing.”
“So you use pain to force people back to you?” It was obvious Mack didn’t approve.
Papa leaned forward and gently touched Mack’s hand. “Honey, I also forgave you for even thinking I could be that way. I understand how difficult it is for you, so lost in your perceptions of reality and yet so sure of your own judgments, to even begin to perceive, let alone imagine, who real love and goodness are. True love never forces.” She squeezed his hand and sat back.
“But if I understand what you’re saying, the consequences of our selfishness are part of the process that brings us to the end of our delusions and helps us find you. Is that why you don’t stop every evil? Is that why you didn’t warn me that Missy was in danger or help us find her?” The accusing tone was no longer in Mack’s voice.
“If only it were that simple, Mackenzie. Nobody knows what horrors I have saved the world from ’cause people can’t see what never happened. All evil flows from independence, and independence is your choice. If I were to simply revoke all the choices of independence, the world as you know it would cease to exist and love would have no meaning. This world is not a playground where I keep all my children free from evil. Evil is the chaos of this age that you brought to me, but it will not have the final say. Now it touches everyone I love, those who follow me and those who don’t. If I take away the consequences of people’s choices, I destroy the possibility of love. Love that is forced is no love at all.”
Mack rubbed his hands through his hair and sighed. “It’s just so hard to understand.”
“Honey, let me tell you one of the reasons that it makes no sense to you. It’s because you have such a small view of what it means to be human. You and this creation are incredible, whether you understand that or not. You are wonderful beyond imagination. Just because you make horrendous and destructive choices does not mean you deserve less respect for what you inherently are—the pinnacle of my creation and the center of my affection.”
“But—” Mack started.
“Also,” she interrupted, “don’t forget that in the midst of all your pain and heartache, you are surrounded by beauty, the wonder of creation, art, your music and culture, the sounds of laughter and love, of whispered hopes and celebrations, of new life and transformation, of reconciliation and forgiveness. These also are the results of your choices, and every choice matters, even the hidden ones. So whose choices should we countermand, Mackenzie? Perhaps I should never have created? Perhaps Adam should have been stopped before he chose independence? What about your choice to have another daughter, or your father’s choice to beat his son? You demand your independence but then complain that I actually love you enough to give it to you.”
Mack smiled. “I’ve heard that before.”
Papa smiled back and reached for a piece of pastry. “I told you Sophia got to you.
“Mackenzie, my purposes are not for my comfort, or yours. My purposes are always and only an expression of love. I purpose to work life out of death, to bring freedom out of brokenness and turn darkness into light. What you see as chaos, I see as a fractal. All things must unfold, even though it puts all those I love in the midst of a world of horrible tragedies—even the one closest to me.”
“You’re talking about Jesus, aren’t you?” Mack asked softly.
“Yup, I love that boy.” Papa looked away and shook her head. “Everything’s about him, you know. One day you folk will understand what he gave up. There are just no words.”
Mack could feel his own emotions welling up. Something touched him deeply as he watched Papa talk about her Son. He hesitated to ask but finally broke into the silence.
“Papa, can you help me understand something? What exactly did Jesus accomplish by dying?”
She was still looking out into the forest. “Oh”—she waved her hand—“nothing much. Just the substance of everything that love purposed from before the foundations of creation,” Papa stated matter-of-factly, then turned and smiled.
“Wow, that’s a pretty broad brush. Could you bring it down a few notches?” asked Mack rather boldly, or so he thought after the words had left his mouth.
Papa, instead of being upset, beamed at him. “My, but aren’t you getting uppity an’ all? Give a man an inch and he thinks he’s a ruler.”
Mack returned the grin, but his mouth was full and he didn’t say anything.
“Like I said, everything is about him. Creation and history are all about Jesus. He is the very center of our purpose, and in him we are now fully human, so our purpose and your destiny are forever linked. You might say that we have put all our eggs in the one human basket. There is no plan B.”
“Seems pretty risky,” Mack surmised.
“Maybe for you, but not for me. There has never been a question that what I wanted from the beginning, I will get.” Papa sat forward and crossed her arms on the table. “Honey, you asked me what Jesus accomplished on the cross, so now listen to me carefully: through his death and resurrection, I am now fully reconciled to the world.”
“The whole world? You mean those who believe in you, right?”
“The whole world, Mack. All I am telling you is that reconciliation is a two-way street, and I have done my part, totally, completely, finally. It is not the nature of love to force a relationship, but it is the nature of love to open the way.”
At that, Papa stood up and gathered the dishes to take into the kitchen.
Mack shook his head and looked up. “So, I don’t really understand reconciliation and I’m really scared of emotions. Is that about it?”
Papa didn’t answer immediately but shook her head as she turned and walked away in the direction of the kitchen. Mack overheard her grunt and mutter, as if only to herself, “Men! Such idiots sometimes.”
He couldn’t believe it. “Did I hear God call me an idiot?” he called through the screen door.
He saw her shrug before disappearing around the corner, and then he heard her yell back in his direction, “If the shoe fits, honey. Yes, sir, if the shoe fits…”
Mack laughed and sat back. He felt finished. His brain tank was more than full, as was his stomach. He carried the re
st of the dishes to the kitchen and placed the stack on the counter, kissed Papa on the cheek, and headed for the back door.
14
VERBS AND OTHER FREEDOMS
God is a verb.
—Buckminster Fuller
Mack stepped outside into the mid-afternoon sun. He felt an odd mixture of being wrung out like a rag and yet exhilaratingly alive. What an incredible day this had been and it was barely half over. For a moment he stood undecided before wandering down to the lake. When he saw the canoes tied up to the dock, he knew it would probably forever be bittersweet, but the thought of taking one out on the lake energized him for the first time in years.
Untying the last one at the end of the dock, he gingerly slid into it and began paddling toward the other side. For the next couple of hours he circled the lake, exploring its nooks and crannies. He found two rivers and a couple of creeks that either fed from above or emptied down toward the lower basins, and he discovered a perfect spot to drift and watch the waterfall. Alpine flowers blossomed everywhere, adding splashes of color to the landscape. This was the most calm and consistent sense of peace that Mack had felt in ages—if ever.
He even sang a few songs, a couple of old hymns and a couple of old folk songs, just because he wanted to. Singing was also something he had not done in a long time. Reaching back into the distant past, he began to voice the silly little song he used to sing to Kate: “K-K-K-Katie… beautiful Katie, You’re the only one that I adore…” He shook his head as he thought about his daughter, so tough but so fragile; he wondered how he might find a way to reach her heart. He was no longer surprised how easily tears could come to his eyes.
At one point he turned to watch eddies and whorls made by the oar blade and stern and when he turned back, Sarayu was sitting in the prow, looking at him. Her sudden presence made him jump.
“Geez!” he exclaimed. “You startled me.”
“I am sorry, Mackenzie,” she apologized, “but supper is almost ready, and it is time to invite you to make your way back to the shack.”