“My bad.” Then she shrugged her shoulders before dropping her body weight suddenly by doing the splits and quickly taking Ranka off guard. The move took her by surprise causing her to lose her grip of Pip. Pip didn’t waste her advantage as she spun her legs around at the same time swiping Ranka’s last blade from her thigh. Then in the same move she spun herself up with enough momentum to bring her to a standing position and held the blade at her neck.
“Poo, poo bitch, I win.” Pip said cocking her head to the side but Ranka wasn’t without her own victory and looked down at Pip’s stomach. This caused Pip to do the same thing only to find an arrow in Ranka’s hand held firmly to her gut at the ready to skew her like a shish kebab.
“You were saying?” Ranka said raising a cocky eyebrow and smirking down at Pip.
“Whoa there! Wait!” I shouted at both of them, running over ready to pry them apart.
“Stay back Electus, I will handle this.” Ranka said scowling down at Pip and Pip snarled back and said,
“Yeah Toots, I have totally got this!”
“Pip! You know who this is so lower the damn blade!” I shouted at her but she just shook her head and said,
“No way Jose! I will drop it when lesbo here drops hers first!”
“PIP!” I scolded and was just thankful that Ranka didn’t know what she meant.
“Ranka, this is my friend, you know, one of the ones I had you looking for. Please drop the arrow…she isn’t here to kill me.” I told her and I started to get worried when she didn’t look convinced.
“I saw her attacking your servant,” she stated and Pip groaned,
“Hello! I was saving her ass you Dingbat! Bloody Nora but where are Columbo and Jessica Fletcher when you need them!”
“She had just stopped her from killing me and the scream you heard was her hitting her with a…uh…”
“A bowl filled with dates.” Pip filled in and I tried not to laugh thinking back to Pip’s one liner when hitting Farrin in the face. Ranka didn’t look impressed but it was at least enough to convince her that those were the facts, as strange as they might be.
“Very well.” Ranka said retracting her arrow and sliding it back into its holder at her back. Pip removed the blade from her neck at the same time and mimicked what she said in a whiney voice,
“Verrryyy welll.”
“Pip…not now,” I grumbled at her and she threw up her hands and said,
“What? You want me to say sorry for the lesbo thing, because everyone knows how much I like lesbos really, especially the really butch ones like her,” she said winking at Ranka and I couldn’t tell whether she was joking or not, which was the norm around Pip. Ranka frowned and obviously didn’t know what to make of her but thankfully at the same time having no clue as to what she was talking about. So instead of taking Pip’s bait, she cleared her throat and held out her hand to her.
“Oh right, happy stabby woman wouldn’t be much good without Mr pointy.” Pip said handing her back her blade. Well if she didn’t understand most things I said then she had no bloody hope being around Pip! Hell, half of the time even I didn’t have a clue what the crazy Imp was talking about.
“You may leave.” Ranka said dismissing the guards before walking over to Farrin who was still out cold on the floor. Once the door closed Ranka lifted up her head by her hair and asked,
“Did she say why she wanted you dead?”
“We didn’t exactly get to that part but I did get the impression that I wasn’t the first harem girl she’s tried to get rid of.” I told her also walking across the room to stare down at the murderous girl.
“Yes but why, it doesn’t make much sense, for what would she gain? Someone must have put her up to this.” Ranka said still down on one knee as if waiting for her to jump up at any moment and explain it all to us.
“Yeah like her nut job bat shit crazy sister, that’s who,” Pip said and we both turned our heads to look at her in utter astonishment as she was currently examining her handy work from where she had kicked the blade that had castrated the poor carved man.
“Guess there’s no more getting wood for this guy,” she said pointing a thumb over her shoulder at him giggling. Meanwhile I counted to three and said,
“Please explain, Pip.”
“Well I hit him in the balls and see, he’s made of wood and…”
“Not that Pip, the other thing, the part about her doing this for her sister.” I said interrupting her quickly before Ranka lost it completely and tried to kill her again.
“Oh that, yeah didn’t you know, her sister is in the harem and is as deranged, demented and as schizo as they come!” Ranka and I both looked back down at her no doubt wondering the same thing…how the hell had we missed this.
“So it’s her sister that keeps putting her up to killing the others?” I asked and I didn’t need to look sideways to know that Pip had already skipped her way over to us.
“She sure as shit is! Well…anyone who gets close to her lover boy that is…ooops, sorry Toots, my bad.” I shot her a look and frowned feeling like I was missing something big here.
“Wait a minute, are you telling me…?” I started to say who I thought it was when Ranka had finally caught up and figured it out herself by spitting out her name,
“Stateira.”
“Bingo! And our prize goes to…our gold medallist in sticking arrows in people! For our wicked killer, people is none other than the King’s head concubine, Stateira, Aka Bitch face and her twisted minion, her sister dearest…I bet Christmas is a hoot in their house, all knives, pointy shit and deadly poisons before a game of fight to the death for the last turkey leg. Hey I wonder if they would have actual human feet in their stockings or if…”
“That’s enough Pip, I think we get it.” I said, only Ranka shot me a look to tell me otherwise. I doubt she got even a quarter of what Pip was trying to say.
“So what do we do with screw loose number one here?” Pip asked and this time I looked to Ranka for guidance as I had no clue.
“Leave her to me and I will soon get a confession out of her.” I shuddered to think about how Ranka planned to do this even if the bitch had just tried to kill me, I was still very much on the anti-torture side of the fence.
“Ooo…can I watch?” Pip said clapping her hands and proving I was the only one in the room with this mentality. Ranka raised an eyebrow at her before shrugging her shoulders and saying,
“That would be acceptable.”
“Fabuloso! I do like to think that I am quite cultured in all manner of things…and I have never been to a Persian torture before.” Pip said leaning into me and giving my arm a nudge. I shook my head and tried to rid myself of the image I had of Pip sat with a bowl of nuts and swinging her legs grinning as she watched something like this girl’s skin being peeled off with a giant cheese grater.
Well at least the silver lining in all this was that Ranka and Pip were actually getting along with one another. I guess there was nothing quite like spilling a little blood and inflicting pain upon an enemy to bring a friendship closer together.
“So okay, this may sound like the obvious question but what are we going to tell Draven?” I asked trying to get past the torture point of the conversation and skip right to the part where we had a plan.
“She means the King.” Pip said to Ranka and for once translating for me this time.
“He needs to be informed of their crimes and the attempt on your life,” Ranka said firmly and I didn’t exactly see this going down well at the moment.
“What, like his sister just did?” I said and I knew I’d made my point when Ranka looked as though she’d just discovered someone breaking wind which, given enough jalapeno peppers, gummi bears and strawberry mojito’s, Pip often did.
“Wait a freaking nanosecond and back the juggler’s balls up! Come again?” I winced at Pip and told her,
“Draven’s sister tried to kill me.”
“Oh okay then, so in this time Drav
en has a crazy ass sister too?”
“Pretty much.” I nodded but no surprises Pip wasn’t about to let it go so soon.
“Seriously Toots, is there anyone out there that’s not trying to kill you?”
“I don’t know. I am starting to think there is a club.” She laughed once and said,
“Possibly,” shrugging her shoulders.
“I know not of what you speak but we still have the …” Ranka never got to finish as I shouted in shock,
“AHHH Shit!” I don’t know what happened but instinct took over and I kicked out when Farrin moved, which connected once more with her face, one that was already looking pretty battered from the amount of times she had been hit there.
“Okay I think that did…uh, Pip?” I was stopped short when Pip started hitting the unconscious girl over the head with a strange shaped bowl that she found next to the bed.
“Yeah?” she asked stopping with the thing held high above her head ready for the next blow.
“I think we are good.” I told her making her lower her arm and look at what she held.
“What is that thing anyway?” I asked Ranka knowing from the confused look on Pip’s face that she didn’t know.
“It’s what we pee in.”
“Eww!” Pip said dropping the brass bowl causing it to once more land on the girl’s head before landing with a thud on the floor next to her.
“Ooops.”
“Well it looks like she will be out of it for a good while longer now.” I said dryly in response to Pip’s ‘Ooops’.
“I will take her. Will you be alright left with just your little friend here?” Ranka said giving Pip a doubtful look making her growl.
“Look here Miss killer personality, I have saved this girl’s life more times than you have pissed in the wind, so trust me when I say, I have totally got this!”
“We will be fine.” I elaborated not really understanding the ‘piss in the wind’ bit but knowing what she meant all the same.
“Very well, I will take my leave of you now and send word when it is time for me to get my answers.” In other words, she would let Pip know when the torture show started. We watched as she ducked down and flung the unconscious body over her shoulder before walking out the door like she was only carrying a handbag.
“I’m getting the feeling that she has done that way too many times.” I said to Pip once the door closed.
“I hear ya! Maybe she’s a shit driver and has problems with roadkill?” Pip’s comment made me laugh and I turned to her and said,
“Don’t think that’s going to be an issue for quite some time yet, Pip.”
“Oh right, so just an issue with dead bodies then,” she added nodding.
“Looks like. God Pip, you don’t know how happy I am to be having this conversation with you!” I blurted out as I grabbed her to me for another hug.
“Umpf! Wow Toots, if you’re happy talking about dead people then you really must be bored, that or you really do need a check-up from the neck up.” I laughed and gave her a sloppy kiss on her cheek before letting her go.
“Definitely not bored.” I told her looking down at all the blood that could have quite easily have been mine.
“Are you ever? Besides, I already know what you have been up to, you naughty minx you!” she said making me frown.
“What do you mean?” I asked her and she giggled before running towards the bed and jumping onto it.
“Hell on a hot day, there is zero gravity to this bed, what’s it made of, sandstone like the rest of this pale joint?”
“Pip, focus. How do you know what I have been doing?” I asked her again, only this time trying to be a little more forceful. She dropped to her knees and mouthed a small ‘Oww’ before sitting down quietly ready to tell me.
“I have been watching you.”
“Uhh, come again?” I could barely believe my ears.
“Okay so I can see how this shit might make you angry but I had no choice.” I slowly sat down to try and absorb what she was telling me thinking back to how worried I had been about her.
“Might? Slight understatement there Pip, I am close to furious so let’s skip the dancing around the subject and just come out with telling me your version of events from the beginning.”
“Alright, but you have to understand that I had my reasons,” she said unwinding the scarf she had wrapped tightly around her head to no doubt hide the mass of green hair she’d just unleashed. I don’t suppose it was easy to blend in covered in tattoos, body piercings and mad hair that looked like a beacon for all that was crazy. No wonder she was covered from head to toe in black.
“I am waiting, Pip.” I told her on a sigh.
“When I arrived and the Janus Gate decided to dump my ass in the middle of the desert, I took some time to find my way to the city after searching for the others.”
“Did you find them?” I asked quickly but seeing her face drop told me the answer to that one.
“I didn’t but at least we know they made it through like we did and no doubt with panties full of bloody sand!” Well she was right about that but what of them now?
“So you made it to the city?”
“Yeah, I stole some clothes and sneaked into the palace thinking this is where I would find you first. So imagine my utter dumb struck luck when I heard you crashing into some random dude with a stick up his ass before the King found you.” I couldn’t help but think back to how that first meeting between Draven and I went and how quickly he held my life in his hands.
“You were there?”
“Yeah a bloody good job I was otherwise we would now be in mission fucked up street right about now!”
“What are you talking about?” I said shaking my head and once again trying to understand Pip speak. But this was when she decided to drop a bombshell on me.
“Why do you think he doesn’t yet know who you really are?”
“Oh no…please don’t tell me that has something to do with you Pip, please don’t…” Pip gave me a sad smile and said,
“I had no choice Toots, it’s why I am here.”
“I don’t understand.” I said in a sad tired voice before letting my head fall into my hands.
“He can’t know that you’re the Chosen One, it would be too dangerous.”
“But why? Do you know how much easier it would be if he did? For starters we would have done the deed by now and be scot free to then find the others and leave this God awful place!” I snapped raising my head to look at her.
“That’s not what would have happened. Think honey bunches, did you ever wonder why the Fates chose the three of us misfits to come with you on this quest in the first place?” she said softly, putting a hand on my shoulder. I angrily wiped away a frustrated tear and asked her to explain.
“Sophia is here for her knowledge of this time, something none of us have. I am here to mask the true side of ourselves as is one of my gifts, so the King doesn’t find out you are the Electus.”
“And Ari, what of my sister?” I asked still not seeing the picture she was trying to paint.
“Well without knowing who she really is, it’s only a guess but I think that she needs to be around in order for you to get up the duff preggers.” My eyes widened in astonishment before quickly narrowing again with my scepticism.
“But that would make her…”
“One of us.” Pip finished off for me and I guess it made sense that she wasn’t fully human, not considering she was obviously fated for Vincent.
“Alright, if what you are saying is true then tell me why Draven can’t know who I am because I am struggling with that one, Pip.”
“You’re asking the wrong person,” she answered cryptically making me groan as my stress levels rose to new heights.
“Look call me a pain in the ass or a freakin’ tease but the truth is I don’t know why. But one thing I do know is what the Oracle told me and that was if he finds out who you are then its mission over and we blew it!” br />
“You’re kidding me!” She raised an eyebrow at my stupid question and I rolled my eyes.
“Bloody marvellous! So she told you to keep who I am masked so he doesn’t find out, making my job a hundred times harder because to him I am just a human girl that he has to break the number one rule of his kind to be with! Oh yeah this is going to be easy…not!” I ranted but once more Pip squeezed my shoulder and said,
“But you’re not just any human Toots, you’re his human and whether I am around to mask you being his Chosen One or not, he is still going to know who you are to him or he wouldn’t have acted the way he has done already. You got this, honey.” I gave her a small smile and nodded knowing that she was right. He had already acted out of character going to the lengths he had done for a human. And it was only hours ago that he had me in his arms telling me all the things he wanted to do to me, so it didn’t look as dire as I was acting it was. I needed to do as Pip said and see the positive in this.
“You’re right but I will tell you one thing, the Oracle is going to have a lot to bloody answer for when we get back.”
“Damn straight!” Pip agreed.
“So what do we do now?” I asked thinking we needed a plan of action but what she said filled me with dread.
“Well you have that ‘Chosen’ thingy tomorrow night, right?” I nodded on a wince making her clap with glee anyway.
“Then we need to get started!”
“Started? What do you mean, what are we doing now?” I asked knowing that I needed to brace myself but even then, it would never be enough for what she said next…
“To teach you how to dance.”