He smiled and raised an eyebrow. “When you look like the Chancellor or other instructors you’d be surprised at the things you can see and overhear. At what people will tell you straight to your face.”
“Max!” I said. “That’s so dangerous! What if they caught you?”
He laughed. “I’m careful. I don’t really go walking around as the Chancellor. I usually try to be someone inconspicuous. Someone no one notices or bothers to be careful around. Besides, no one knows what I can do. They don’t even suspect. No one knows but you.”
The thought made me feel warm and cold at the same time. He trusted me with his secret. But at the same time, it was another burden to carry and keep safe. Then again, maybe everyone other than the Link drones had secrets.
“So what have you found out?” I asked. “If they’re lying to us, what are they trying to hide?”
“I don’t know all of it yet. But it’s a lot, Zoe.”
Prickles ran up and down my arms. And it wasn’t just fear now, there was something else bubbling to a boil inside me—anger. I was so happy to have someone like me to talk to, but what about everybody else? What about all the people who would never get to experience these beautiful senses and emotions? Was the life the Uppers forced us to live as unthinking, unfeeling drones, really all that different a fate from being deactivated altogether?
What if— An idea sparked inside me like a flash of fire. What if, with more information, we could find a way to save others, to let everyone feel the things Max and I were feeling now?
“Max, we have to find out.” I grabbed his hand. “Just think about it—all of those kids in the Academy with us, Linked and never knowing anything different.” The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. “What they’re doing to us all is wrong!”
Max lifted his shoulders with a shrug, but he didn’t let go of my hand. “It’s not like we can change things. The Community is too big. I’ve been listening for a while and this thing is global. We don’t stand a chance against something so powerful.”
“But then why do you risk so much to find out information?” My anger turned to a tingling excitement. I stood up, pulling my hand out of his as I did, and paced in the small space. “It’s because you want to know, you need to know. Well, I need to know too. Maybe everybody needs to know.”
I thought about my brother and the empty look on his face during SSD. Just telling him about the lies wouldn’t be enough. He wouldn’t understand, not while he was still under the control of the Link.
“We need more than information,” I said with more certainty. “What if we could do something about it?” My mind was spinning with the possibilities. I’d thought escape was the only answer, but what if there was another way? A way for everyone to be safe. “Maybe the Uppers and officials work so hard to control information because they know if enough people knew the truth, they’d lose their grip on us.”
Max laughed. “All we need to do—” He pulled me lightly down beside him again, his thigh side by side with mine. “—is survive and learn how to work the system. I want to help you survive, too. Whatever happened to you on the Surface—it’s even more reason not to take risks. But we can still stay safe and find a way to have a happy life. You and me together.”
“A happy life?” I asked, incredulous.
“Don’t you see? We’ve been given these gifts and we need to enjoy them. We can’t risk losing it. We’re special. Different from everybody else.”
“But what if other people at the Academy are glitching?” The excitement rose up again. “If enough people started glitching, then we’d be able to unite together and find a way to change things.”
“Zoe, you can’t—” He stopped suddenly, cocking his head sideways. “Wait. I just heard the front door. One of my parents is home.” He pulled me to my feet. “We can talk more later. I arranged another home tutor session in two days.”
I held on to his arm, suddenly afraid of leaving him, of having to go back out into a world where I couldn’t be myself. Where I had to walk around constantly fearful someone was going to discover my secrets. Where I’d suffer the sick feeling of walking side by side with people who were so abused and used, but didn’t even know they were victims.
Max reached out to open the door, then stopped and turned to me, wrapping his arms around me tight. I leaned my head into his chest, surprised by how good it felt to be held. He was right—touching did feel good. It made me feel so overwhelmingly safe.
We stood like that, holding each other tightly until the click of his parent’s shoes sounded in the hallway. He let me go and I quickly tucked my mussed hair back into its clip.
“Greetings, Mother. This is Zoel Q-24.”
“Greetings, Maximin. Greetings, Zoel,” his mother said, her face blank and emotionless. “Was the tutoring session productive?”
“Yes.” Max turned to me. “I’ll see you in two days for follow-up?”
His mother continued by and he turned back to me and winked. I grabbed my tablet case and headed out the door, my mind spinning. More secrets, piling up on other secrets. I was both thrilled and afraid. But at least now I had someone to help me bear them. The memory of how safe I’d felt in Max’s arms made me smile long after I’d turned the lights out that night. I wasn’t alone anymore.
* * *
The next day at school, I was constantly aware of Max. I couldn’t stop sneaking looks at him across the hall or the classroom or at the lunchroom table. He never looked anomalous once. I wondered if he could give me tips. He’d told me he was mostly disconnected from the Link these days, but from what I could see, he hid it perfectly.
At lunch, we went through our normal tutoring ritual—though now I wondered if he’d actually needed the tutoring in the first place. He only seemed to be watching me, not the texts or notes. And then there was the way he would touch me whenever possible. He’d put his hand casually in contact with mine on the table, or he’d press our legs together underneath the table.
“Can I try something?” he said when I went over to his housing unit two afternoons later. He shut his bedroom door, even though his mother and father would not be home for at least another hour.
“What?”
“I want to touch your lips with mine.”
“Why?”
“Because I think it will feel really good. For both of us. We can stop if you don’t like it.”
“Okay…”
He pulled me close eagerly and smashed his lips against mine roughly. I felt his tongue moving to open my lips. It felt wet and when I opened my mouth like he seemed to want, our teeth clicked against each other awkwardly.
I stood stiffly with my eyes open, watching his face and trying to measure how I was feeling, trying to understand what pleasure felt like. I thought about pulling away, but he’d been so glowing and excited about trying and he’d seemed so sure I would like it, too. He sucked on one of my lips for a second, which mainly just felt strange, but maybe nice. I wasn’t sure.
He pulled away, smiling. “Did you feel it?” His lips were wet and his face was flushed.
I didn’t want to dampen his excitement. “Um. Maybe.”
He broke into a giant grin. It was like his whole face lit up, and I suddenly noticed how well formed he was. His face was square with a wide, strong jaw. He seemed to exude strength. I reached up tentatively and touched his short blond hair at the crown of his forehead. He closed his eyes and sighed, putting his hand over mine and pressing it to his face.
He leaned down, burying his face in my neck. “You’re all I can think about. Your lips. Your body. Your legs, your back.” He cupped my hips and pulled me into his, nuzzling his face at the base of my neck.
I laughed and pulled away. “There’s so many things I want to talk about and we don’t have much time.”
He sighed, hands still grasping me around the waist and pulling me tight to the front of his body. He let out a low groan. “But all I want to do is this. I finally have you here
with me and I don’t want to stop. I’ve dreamed of this for so long.”
I took his hand. “Maybe later.”
He brightened and ran both his hands through his short blond hair several times, then squeezed his eyes shut.
“Okay,” he said. “Slowing down.” He moved away from the door where we were standing and walked around the room, jumping up and down a few times and stretching out his muscles. “Slowing down, slowing down.”
I laughed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know this would be so hard for you.”
He shrugged, finally coming to sit down again. “It’s okay. I didn’t realize it would all be so new to you. But we can learn together.”
“Right.” I took his hand, then frowned. “Your pulse seems accelerated. How is your heart monitor not going off?”
“I disabled it.” He grinned proudly. “I recorded a small section of normal activity and set it on a loop. I can do yours, too, but I need to borrow some equipment.”
“When you say borrow…” I said. “Won’t they know it’s missing?”
“I’d take it back the next day. I’ll get it tomorrow.”
I nodded, knowing it might be dangerous, but still, to have my adrenaline levels and heart rate not constantly monitored would help me escape detection during my more intense glitches. At the same time, I hated the idea of Max putting himself in danger for me.
“I’ll think about it. Don’t do anything in the meantime.” I looked hard into his eyes to make sure he agreed.
He nodded reluctantly. “Well, maybe next week.”
“I’ve been thinking about everything you told me last time,” I said, changing the subject. “There have to be others like us. Maybe even in the Academy or riding on the train with us or at the Market. We have to figure out who they are, so we can help them like you helped me. It’s made all the difference to know I’m not alone.”
“But, Zoe,” he said, his expression losing some of its brightness. “I don’t need anybody else. It’s fine with just you and me. With just us, the secret stays smaller, easier to keep. We can watch out for each other without anyone noticing. The more people you involve, the easier it is for someone to make a mistake, for us to get caught.”
“But Max, if there are kids like us, just imagine how scared they are. Being alone is the worst part of glitching. You know that. The fear was so bad that I thought about reporting myself and letting them fix me.…” I paused after I said it. That seemed like a lifetime ago. So much had happened. It was hard to imagine I could ever have wanted to destroy my ability to feel, to be myself, whatever the risk.
I froze.
“What? What is it?” Max asked.
“I think I remember something,” I whispered. Realization slowly dawned. “I think I was caught. They found out.” I stopped still and shut my eyes tight, trying to hold on to the wisp of memory. “There was someone there. A boy.” I bit my lip trying to concentrate, to make out the features of the shadowy image I could almost remember. I reached and reached with the fingertips of my mind.
“Adrien!” I finally exploded, making out the features. “That new boy, Adrien. He was there!”
Max looked instantly angry. “He must have turned you in.”
“I think he was there when I was caught, or maybe he was working with the officials. Or something,” I finished lamely. I shut my eyes again, hoping to find out more, to attach the face with some setting, but I couldn’t.
“How can you be remembering anything if you had the disrupter plugged in your port?” Max asked.
“I … I don’t know,” I said, looking up at him. “It shouldn’t be possible. Unless…” I paused.
“Unless?”
“Well,” I said slowly, working it out as I went. “What if memory isn’t only kept in one place? I mean, our powers can’t be the only unusual thing our minds can do. What if memory resonates in other parts of the brain?”
“Whatever it means, you need to stay away from that Adrien guy.” Max looked tense, even angry. “If he’s connected to all of this, then he’s dangerous. These people, the Uppers, are capable of doing some terrifying stuff. They could have been testing on you, removing your memories, even creating false memories. This Adrien kid is probably a Monitor, like you thought. But he could be something worse.”
I nodded and pulled away from the embrace. “And let’s watch for other glitchers, too—to see if there are any others like us.”
“Zoe—”
“Fine, I’ll keep a watch,” I said, feeling frustrated at his reluctance, but then softened my tone. “I know you just want me to be safe. I’ll be careful. And you be careful, too. Promise me?”
“I promise,” he said. We were quiet a moment. He tilted his head, his gaze intense. “You are so beautiful.”
I paused and looked at him, his sandy blond hair tussled and bright brown eyes so earnest. “You are also very well formed.”
He pulled me close again. “Maybe once we get your heart monitor fixed,” he said, “then you’ll really be able to relax and let yourself feel the way I do.”
“Maybe,” I laughed as I stood up to go.
* * *
A few days later I sat by Max at our customary cafeteria spot at the end of table 13. I had clicked on my projector to go over the day’s notes when I noticed Max’s face suddenly pale. His mouth dropped open.
“What?” I said, for a split second not bothering to mask my concern. I quickly made my face blank, looking around slowly to see if anyone had seen me.
His eyes swiveled over to mine. “Zoe,” he whispered. “They just called for you over the Link. You are to report to the diagnostic center on Sublevel Two immediately.”
I felt my eyes widen and my mouth go dry. I’d known in the back of my mind the Chancellor would call me in soon for another checkup, but I thought I’d have more time, or that I’d be connected to the Link when it happened.
But I was glitching all the time now. There wasn’t much chance that I’d suddenly reconnect to the Link in the time it took to walk from here to the diagnostic center.
This was it.
This was the day they’d be able to see my anomalous self, lit up like a spotlight in the diagnostic readouts.
I thought I’d have longer. More time. I felt sick to my stomach but stood up calmly and gathered my tablet, swinging the case over my shoulder. I remembered to breathe and tried to stay calm so my heart monitor wouldn’t announce my terror to the entire room. I didn’t look at Max again. I didn’t think I could manage to keep my composure if I did.
I moved out of the room with even strides. Only a few people glanced up as I passed by. I walked mechanically through the exit and into the narrow hallway. It was empty at this hour because everyone was either in the lunch hall or in class. I walked toward the elevator but my hand paused, shaking, as I reached out to swipe my wrist over the sensor to call the elevator.
I felt a sudden overwhelming sadness as I realized I was voluntarily going to what almost assuredly would be my own destruction. I’d been a fool to even think escape was possible. If they didn’t deactivate me after this diagnostic, it would at least be the end of the life I had discovered, the person I’d become, my conversations with Max, everything that mattered to me now.
Oh no. Max. My stomach lurched. If they read my memory chip, they’d find out about him, too. And it would be all my fault. Just like in the dreams with Markan. I yanked my arm back from the elevator panel like it was about to bite me.
I spun and started walking in the opposite direction, away from the elevator. A plan was loosely forming in my mind as I turned down a side hallway. Maybe I did have a choice in all this, and I chose to run. Even if it meant certain deactivation, I had to at least try. I’d get on the subway and go to the city. I didn’t know how long I’d make it before they found me, but I couldn’t go without a fight this time.
Just as I was about to walk through the doorway to the last hallway leading down to the subway, I heard sudden footsteps direc
tly behind me. Before I could turn around to look, a drive was roughly inserted into the access port at the back of my neck.
“You!” I managed to say before I went numb under the control of the drive.
Chapter 12
“I’M CRACKIN’ SORRY to do this to you, but we don’t have much time. If you started screaming or your heart monitor went off, they’d catch us both. I couldn’t risk it.” He spoke in a rush.
I could only stare numbly at Adrien, the last person in the Community I could trust. He dropped his hand after the drive was secure. My mouth, along with the rest of my body, was completely frozen in place.
“Look, I’m uploading a new program that’ll reconnect you back into the Link. The program will give you control over when you connect and when you glitch, so you can be connected whenever you want or need to.” He was talking so fast, I could barely keep up. “Just whisper the access code—Beta Ten Gamma Link,” he said, reaching around and gently lifting my ponytail off the back of my neck. Something sparked in me at his touch.
“Beta Ten Gamma Link, ’kay?” he whispered. “Your voice will be the only one it recognizes—it’ll set itself the first time you say it. Then you can go for your diagnostic and the equipment won’t find anything anomalous. I promise. Once you’re done, just say the code words and you’ll disconnect again. They don’t usually scan memory chips at these kind of diagnostics, so we’ll have to hope for the best.”
I had a thousand questions screaming to get out, but my mouth wouldn’t open, my vocal cords wouldn’t make a sound. It was a horrible feeling. And then too, there was something about Adrien … some memory teasing at the edge of my mind.
Adrien ran his hand through the back of his hair. He looked upset. “I can’t imagine what you must be thinking right now but, please—” He leaned in, his intense aquamarine eyes searching my blank face. For a few silent seconds, his face opened and his eyes bored into mine like he expected something from me, some recognition or sign—of what I had no idea.
He stepped back in the next moment, his face hardening back into a blank mask so that he looked just like every other grayed-out Academy student.