He smiled and shrugged, some of his energy seeming to wind back down. “I don’t know. But you’ve felt it, haven’t you? Those feelings that seem to get so big in your chest, like something is so beautiful it aches?”
My mouth dropped open in surprise. He was right. I had felt exactly that. When I’d seen color for the first time, or when I watched my brother sleeping.
“What is that?” he continued. His face had a quieter intensity as he leaned over. His green eyes caught every bit of light in the room and seemed to refract it in a thousand sparkles. “Beauty, happiness, they’re things so big they can’t capture them with their scientific words. It’s like what they used to call magic.”
I sat for a moment focusing on what he’d said, never looking away from his eyes. I wasn’t able to follow everything—but watching him get so excited, it was unlike anything I had ever seen before. I’d never seen so much emotion on a person’s face. It lit me up inside, made my chest feel bright and warm. It was like there was a connection between us, like somehow he knew me. Like he could reach right into me, pluck out the things I felt and thought, and put them into words in ways I hadn’t learned to express yet.
But I couldn’t agree with him completely. I looked at him regretfully.
“But even emotions can be broken down to electrical synapses and chemical reaction. Isn’t that what the V-chip proved? Emotion is all physical response. No invisible soul to it.”
“Yeah, but even under their complete control of synapses and chemicals, your mind managed to break free.” Adrien looked at me warmly. “That you exist this way, Zoe, you’re the ultimate proof that we can be so much more than just the sum of our parts and knee-jerk impulses. Something about you just could not be controlled, just had to be free.”
I couldn’t help smiling again at his enthusiasm. “I don’t think I can quite agree with your theory, but I like the way you talk about it. It makes life seem—I don’t know—more special? More important?”
He grinned, his eyes catching mine again until I felt like there was some kind of electric current passing between us.
“Sorry if I’ve been rambling. I just never get to talk to anyone about all this. Mom never wants to hear it—she says it doesn’t matter why things are happening, just that they are. But talking with you just feels so … natural.”
“Even though I might agree with your mother?”
“No, you’re different,” he said firmly. “I’ve watched you discover emotion, discover the world around you. I mean, before having the visions of you, I’d never felt…” He stopped himself abruptly. “Okay, getting ahead of myself. I realize the fact that I’ve had visions about you might seem kind of gnangy. It’s a violation of your privacy. I’m so sorry.” He looked down. “It’s just that the more time I spend around someone, the more I see in my visions. I’m sorry—I keep trying to control it.”
Adrien looked away, biting his lip.
“And you saw me?” I asked. “You came to the Academy for me.” Even as I said the words, pleasure bloomed at the thought. I smiled. He’d come because of me. Or he’d come because of my ability. I frowned at the thought. That was the logical reason.
“I’m sorry.” He cringed, seeming to mistake my frown for something else. “I know, creepy. I first had a vision of you over a year ago. You were here. We were talking, like we are now. Cracking hell!”
He smacked his forehead.
“It was probably this very moment I saw. Isn’t that amazing?”
“But that’s not why you came to the Academy, not just because you saw us talking.” I tried to contain the nervous excitement tingling in my stomach. This was what I had been waiting to talk about ever since I opened my eyes. Without the Link and its constant instruction, I was completely lost. This boy had offered me escape, but I had no idea what came next. He did.
“No.” He paused, and my stomach sank. “I had other visions of the future—the farther-off future—at least I think so because you looked different than you do now. I saw that you’re going to be an integral part of the Rez. Not just that.” He bit his lip again. “I’m sorry, I don’t know how to tell you this without cracking you out. I’m not even sure how much of my visions I should tell you—if it will shunt up the future somehow if you know ahead of time. I don’t really know how this all works yet.”
“Just tell me,” I said, the desperation clear in my voice. “Ever since I started glitching I’ve felt so lost and confused. You’ve seen what I’m supposed to do, what I’m supposed to be. Please. You have to tell me.”
He was quiet another moment, looking down so I couldn’t read his face as he searched for what to say. I reached over and touched his hand lightly.
He looked up and I realized how close we were, both of us leaning in together. I blinked a few times, suddenly light-headed, but not like before when I’d passed out. Being so close to the smooth dark skin of his face, getting lost in the shifting shades of his green eyes, it felt like my insides were fluttering and melting. Not like when I was nervous or afraid, but in a nice way. In a really wonderful way.
This was what it felt like to be connected to another person without the Link. I couldn’t describe the feeling, but I felt the pricking behind my eyes again. This was what it felt like not to be alone. And Adrien was right—I didn’t have words to describe this feeling. It was what I’d always wanted before, but didn’t even know existed. It was mystery and it was beautiful.
My hand was resting on his wrist, and I trailed my hand up his forearm without thinking about what I was doing. The texture of his shirt was so rough compared to the smoothness of his skin. My fingers traced up his shoulder and then over the soft skin of his neck. I felt his skin warm and his pulse quicken at the touch of my fingertips, responding in a way that was totally different from logic and programmed electrical impulses.
I kept going, awed by the growing sense of connection, the feel of the curly hair at the base of his neck, the way his breath ruffled my eyelashes. The pools of water gathered at the edges of my eyes, brimming over. He suddenly trembled and leaned in closer, eyes open wide in surprise.
We sat there like that for a moment, faces so close and my heartbeat pounding in my chest in a frantic flurry. He stared at me intensely, his jaw clenching and unclenching until, with a sigh of release, he closed his eyes and leaned in. His lips ever so gently touched mine, and suddenly I felt everything stirring inside me grow wings, let loose, and fly.
“Oh Adrien,” came his mother’s voice loudly from the doorway. Her face was stony, but behind her tight eyes there was resignation, and some sadness. Adrien pulled away from me quickly.
“Just tell her already,” she said. “You think she’s going to lead the Resistance. You think she’s our only hope to deliver the whole human race from slavery.”
Chapter 9
I LOOKED BACK AND FORTH between them in confusion. There had to be some kind of mistake. All of the blooming feelings froze in my chest.
“Mom,” Adrien said, sounding angry, jumping back from me. His face reddened as his mother strode into the room.
Sophia rolled her eyes. “It doesn’t matter what you tell her right now anyway. Or what you do with her.”
“Mom!” It was a warning.
I touched his hand to try to calm him down.
“It’s true,” his mother continued. “You forgot she’s still got the memory disrupter inserted. She won’t remember a thing from the entire time since it was inserted till it’s taken out. And frankly, that’s a good thing, because she can’t stay. She has to go back.”
My hand went to the back of my neck. Oh no, she was right. Adrien had said everything was recording separately on the drive, but I’d forgotten all about it. And soon I would forget all of this. My hands trembled at the thought.
“Why?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.
“She can’t go back,” Adrien said. “Neither of us can. They’d cracking lobotomize us if we did.”
“Don’
t be so dramatic. Besides, you are not going back. But she has to. She’ll die if she stays here on the Surface.”
“What?” Adrien and I both asked at the same time.
“I had her blood tested. Her allergy is extreme. Her mast cells will keep producing histamines and sending her into anaphylactic shock.”
“Then we’ll keep her away from mold,” Adrien said.
“Adrien.” Sophia pinched the bridge of her nose, looking tired. “Sanjan ran the medical tests twice. She is allergic to the most common outdoor molds. Almost all of them. I’m surprised she lasted as long as she did up here. An epi shot is just an emergency fix—it will wear off in twelve hours and then she could go into anaphylaxis again. She’ll die if we don’t take her back.”
“We’ll keep her inside, then.”
She walked toward Adrien and her tone softened. “Look, honey, I’m sorry. I know how much you wanted this. How much you want to believe your visions and the hope they bring you. But your dreams and the facts just don’t add up.”
He brushed her hand off when she touched his shoulder. “I know what I saw. I’ve seen visions of her out in the open, under the sun. Your results were wrong.”
She tilted her head sideways. “I understand this is hard, but there’s nothing we can do for her. No Resistance safe houses have the kind of air-filtration systems she needs to survive. We’re already running out of time on the epi, and she’ll die if she breathes any air except from where she’s from.” She paused a moment. “I’m sorry, but the Community is her best chance at survival right now.”
Adrien turned to look at me, the fight draining from his face. “No. There has to be another way. Some of the research labs must have the kind of air-filtration systems she’d need. Or we could build—”
“Enough!” his mother said sharply. “We don’t have time for this.” She looked at Adrien. “Don’t get your hopes up, but the Rez has been building a Foundation for glitchers. Maybe they could modify it to be air-safe for her. But it won’t be ready for months.” Her voice softened again. “You could go back for her then.”
“Okay, what about allergy shots? We could—”
“Immunotherapy takes months to work, years sometimes, and with all the different kinds of molds she’s allergic to, it would still be a long shot.”
I cleared my throat. “If I went back—is there a way for me to pass the diagnostic tests without showing up anomalous?” They both paused to look at me.
“With the memory disrupter in place, nothing that’s happened could be recorded or found on your memory chip,” his mother said, scrutinizing me as if for the first time.
“No,” I said, “but everything else will. The glitching, the drawings and the tele … What did you call it again?”
“Telekinesis,” Adrien said, turning to me with an ashen face, “but Zoe, you can’t go back. It’s too dangerous.”
I turned back to Sophia. “Can we fool their diagnostic equipment?” I asked stubbornly.
“Yeah. We have subware that can mimic memory info so they aren’t tipped off. But Zoe—”
“If someone could get the immunotherapy treatments to me there,” I said slowly, “then I could escape again when this Foundation is ready.”
I paused, an image flashing in my mind that sealed the decision. Markan. My chest flooded with hope. “And I could get my brother out, too.”
“Is he glitching?” Adrien’s mother asked.
“No, but he might when he gets older. And I can’t leave him there. Not knowing what I do now.”
Adrien was quiet. He paced for a little bit, one hand massaging his forehead, before finally stopping and nodding. “It could work, I guess. If we drop you back, they’ll know something anomalous happened to you, but with the drive removed, even you won’t know exactly what it was.”
“And I won’t remember…” I trailed off, looking down at the ground. “Is there a way to download the info onto an external memory drive so I’ll still have it? So I can remember … you know, about the immunotherapy stuff and why I need to do it?”
“Too risky,” his mother said immediately. “In the wrong hands, that drive would reveal compromising information about Adrien and me and the Rez. I can’t let that happen.”
“That’s why I’ll be there at school with you,” Adrien said, “and I’ll help you remember.”
“No you will not!” his mother exploded, grabbing Adrien’s arm roughly and yanking him away from me. “This has gone on long enough. I’m fine with getting her a supply of medicine, but you are staying here. We’ve taken far too many risks already.”
Adrien yanked his arm back from her, his eyes flat. “Nothing has changed. I probably shouldn’t have taken her away from the Academy. I see that now. But even this was meant to happen. The other visions will come true, too, even if I can’t see how—”
“Enough!” Sophia’s frizzy ropelike hair flew around her as she advanced on him. “She’s shunting allergic to the world! Get it through your head! She’s not the one you were hoping for.”
“I’m sorry, Mom.” He took a step toward her. “I’m not trying to hurt you, but I am going back.”
“But how?” I asked in a whisper. “They’ll figure out we were together—that you were the one who took me away.”
He shook his head. “Not if I’m sick with Flu 216. I’d be out for a week without suspicion. We’ll stop at Sanjan’s on our way back, so he can infect me with the samples I know he keeps.”
“No,” his mom said. “I won’t let you. I’ll tell him not to give it to you.”
“Mom,” he said, more gently. “Even if they don’t believe she’ll become our future leader, they know she’s telekinetic. To you, she might just be one girl, but the Rez will see she’s too valuable to lose.”
His mother took a few steps back, her face shifting. She stared at him for another long moment; then she spun on her heel and left the room, slamming the door behind her.
The silence was heavy after she left. I stood near the wall, stunned by all that had just happened.
“I’m sorry about that,” Adrien finally said, breaking the quiet.
“Is what she said true? That you’ve had visions of me as some sort of leader of the Resistance?”
“Sorry.” He walked across the room to me. “I know it’s a lot to take in. This whole day must seem like one long nightmare. But you’ll wake up. Once we remove the memory disrupter, you won’t remember any of it.”
“How is that supposed to make me feel better?” My voice rose in pitch. “I only found out today that a Resistance even exists, and you think I’m going to take it over one day?” It was all too much. All I’d wanted was to feel things and understand what was happening to me. But he was saying someday everyone was going to be looking to me for answers?
I squeezed his hand. “Maybe your mom is right. I’m nobody. I’m not a leader. I’m not meant for any of this.”
“You’re not nobody,” he said, covering my hand. “And it’s not about that. Even if you don’t become some great godlam’d leader, I’d still come back with you.”
“You would? Why?” My voice trembled. My face suddenly felt hot.
“Because…” He pulled back and cleared his throat. “Because I care about you.”
“You do?”
“I didn’t come to the Academy because I care about the future of the Rez. I mean, yes, it’s incredibly important. And that’s what I told the local cell leaders, so they’d arrange it for me. I came because I’d seen you, even gotten to know you through the visions. I couldn’t not know you.”
My heart started beating faster at his words. He wanted me? Just me, not my Gift?
“Experiencing the world through your eyes, feeling your first emotions with you.” He shook his head in wonder. “You were the first beautiful thing I’d seen after a couple of really dark years. You made me realize I’d taken for granted how beautiful life can be. I’d just been working so hard, killing myself with discipline to be a g
ood soldier, deadening anything that made me feel emotion because I thought it made me weak. But then I started having the visions of you and…” He gulped hard before looking back up at me. “It changed me—you changed me—and it showed me just how much we’re fighting for. Not just because I was angry at what they’d done to us. Not just because I wanted revenge for my dad. But because there’s goodness and beauty in the world, and that alone is worth fighting for. Maybe even worth dying for. The way you made me feel, even before I ever met you, it’s—”
He ran a hand through the hair at the back of his head. “God, here I go again. Giving too much information. Look, I know you just met me and that this is the worst possible timing, and I don’t expect you to feel the same way—”
“Wait,” I said.
He glanced up at me, his face wide open and full of tentative hope. I grabbed his hand again, so many emotions rising up and tumbling over themselves inside of me, I couldn’t begin to sort them out.
“I want to feel that way,” I said, my voice oddly high. “I want to feel those things. For you. And—”
I thought about everything that had happened since I’d met him, how I’d instinctually trusted him from the start, how his touch calmed me and made me feel safe, even in the most tense situations. How his face had lit up earlier when he was talking about beauty. How intensely connected I felt with him, and how he made everything inside of me twist and turn.
“—and maybe I already do,” I finished slowly.
He stood frozen for a second, stunned. Then, those green eyes trapping mine, he put his hand on the side of my face. He pulled me closer until his lips breathed me in, until we were sharing one breath.
My whole body sank forward into his arms. His lips moved against mine, exploring my mouth so gently. I tried to mimic his movements—slowly, uncertainly, until I didn’t have to think about it at all. It just felt right. He let out a soft moan at my reaction and cupped his hands behind my head, pulling me closer until I couldn’t tell where my mouth ended and his began. A liquid sensation swooped throughout my stomach. It was the most amazing thing I’d ever felt and it kept growing, the vibrating heat expanding outward. I was surprised I was still able to stand.