When there’s a break in the conversation, Jon produces something from his wallet and hands it to my girlfriend. I recognize the photo of my sister immediately. So does Finn, and he snatches it from her fingers.
“What is that?” Livvy says.
Jon grabs it away from Finn, scowling at him before smirking at the last second to let us know he’s not serious. There was bad blood between the two of them when Livvy was a senior, and this picture is just the thing to bring back those memories.
In the photo, she’s in motion, her hair flipping in front of her face as she stands in revealing black lingerie.
“It’s a picture of you,” Jon says, handing it back to Coley.
Coley looks down at the picture, then up at Jon and over at me, confused. “I’m sorry. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with this.”
“Which picture?” my sister presses on.
“I took that of Livvy when she was sixteen,” Jon says. “‘Just one picture,’ I’d pleaded with her, and she relented.”
“Give me that!” Livvy says as she stands and reaches across the table to steal the artsy-but-revealing photo away from my girlfriend. “Why are you showing that off?” she asks her husband, backhanding his bicep.
“There’s a point to this,” he assures her.
“Well, get to it, please.”
He rolls his eyes as his brother, Will, leans back and peers over his sister-in-law’s shoulder to see what she’s trying to hide. “I remember that girl,” he says. Livvy elbows him in the side as his wife laughs at his punishment.
“She was sixteen at the time. A minor. I was eighteen. It wasn’t smart to take the picture in the first place, but it was the only one I took, and I was the only person with a copy. We made sure of it. She watched me save it to my computer. It was in a secure place. I deleted it off the camera. Literally no one else had that picture.
“A couple of months later, I was in class, and I got this text from my roommate, Fred. It was that exact picture, and he asked if it was really Livvy. I was pissed, asking him how he got the picture. Wondering if he’d somehow gotten into my computer. I wasn’t thinking ‘bigger picture’ at the time until he sent me a link to ManhattanNOW. You know ManhattanNOW?” He directs his question to Coley.
“Yeah, I know it,” she says of the tabloid.
“Well, I went to their page, and it took up the entire site, that picture of her. I was horrified. I was sick. I took that picture, and at the time–that was when Livvy was still sweet and innocent–”
All the guys at the table jokingly argue with Jon. I start laughing with Katrina and Shea, watching as my sister sends death stares from one person to the next.
“No, really,” Jon argues. “She was pretty much New York’s sweetheart at the time. No one knew we’d had sex. In fact, we’d outright lied to her parents, telling them we hadn’t had sex when they point-blank asked us. Having that picture out there was not good. Not at all.
“I still remember the fear I felt in the pit of my stomach. I don’t think I’ve ever been that scared in my life. I tried to call her, but she didn’t answer. I cut class and jumped on a bus. It was the middle of the day, and I’d decided I’d just wait on her doorstep until she got home from school. I knocked on the off-chance that she’d be there, and she was. I was relieved, thinking I’d caught her in time to warn her about it and come up with a game plan. A good lie. Something. But no. She informed me her parents were in the kitchen and that she’d already told them everything.
“I walked into the next room, counting down the last few seconds of my life.”
Livvy giggles, handing the picture back to Jon and taking his hand in hers.
“Obviously we both survived the wrath of Jack and Emi Holland. I think Liv would even admit that was one of the easier things she had to endure with the whole incident.”
I was only six when it happened and don’t have many memories of it. I think everything I do remember are things we’ve discussed since it happened, honestly. Lessons learned from Livvy’s mistakes, and there were a lot of them. I look at my sister, whose eyes have softened and settled on Coley now.
“The picture was released the day before winter break, which I realize was a blessing. The immediate aftermath was just some rude texts and immature prank calls. It was when she went back to school that she was really tested.”
“He’d lied, too,” Livvy contributes. “To get the picture taken down, he told people it was simply a manipulation for an art class. It cast enough doubt for most major sites to remove the picture. For others, Dad just reminded them that I was sixteen at the time. The threat of posting images that could be considered child pornography scared most of the others to delete it from their servers. But the picture was still out there. You could do a simple search and find it.”
“People called her a slut. A whore.”
“A nympho,” she adds, rolling her eyes. “A tease. But they were idiots,” she says. “I knew who I was. I knew what I was. I was a girl in love and in a committed relationship with my boyfriend. I knew I owed these strangers–these classmates, these people who used to be my friends–no explanation. I could live with myself and my actions. I loved Jon. A lot of the chatter could be attributed to jealousy,” she says. “Some, to a difference of morals. I had no regrets of anything Jon and I had done. Even taking that picture. It’s a beautiful picture.”
“Livvy seemed impermeable to the criticism. I simply had regrets for not having a better password,” Jon says. “You’ll go back to school Monday, Coley, and people may still be talking about that video.”
“Fuck ‘em,” Will says.
Jon nods in agreement. “Don’t let their words break through and change the person you are. You know who you are, Coley. Trey knows who you are. Your parents and family know. This week, I’ve heard Jack and Emi say really great things about you. They’re completely sold on you, so you don’t have to worry about them.
“You’ve met a lot of new people here today who only know you from that video, but I personally am really impressed that you came here and that you’ve held your head up high while you’ve been paraded around by this kid… This great kid. This great kid who loves you.
“I know he’ll do anything to protect you and your reputation and your name. He’ll stand up for you if you need that, whenever you need that. But I sense you’ve got a force in you, some determination, that will repel any of the merciless things that are said to you. I bet you can shrug off the looks that are sent your way, any gestures people make or comments that are muttered under people’s breaths.”
I put my arm around her, pressing my lips against her temple as she smiles.
“You know who you are, don’t you?” he asks.
She nods. “I do.”
“Just continue to be better than them,” my sister says. “That’s what you can do.”
Relief washes over me, happy that Livvy’s set her stubbornness aside and is finally trying to get to know Coley. My heart feels full.
“You have another family here who’s behind you. Who’ll defend you,” I tell her.
“Trey’s a good judge of character,” Jon continues.
“Uhhh,” Callen jumps in. “What about that asshole rapist guy?”
“Okay, with the exception of the guy that manipulated his way in, he’s rarely been wrong about the people he’s let into his life. I trust him. I trust that he knows what he’s doing with you.”
“And I’ve seen a different brother now than I did a few weeks ago,” Liv says. “He’s changed. He’s more confident and assured, and above all, he’s happier. The only thing that’s different, Coley, is you.”
“I know that I, for one, want you to stick with him,” Jon continues. “If there is anything I can do for you, just consider me another brother.”
“Me, too, Coney,” Max says, adding a wink.
“I’m in,” Callen adds.
“You’ve got me,” Will vows.
“Well, I don’t live
here,” Finn stutters, “but I’ll do what I can.”
“Guys,” Shea cuts in. “While you’re all sweethearts, and just what Livvy and I needed, maybe Coley needs a sister or two. You have two brothers, right?”
“You can’t have too many brothers,” she says politely.
“Oh, give it some time with these guys, and you may change your mind,” she jokes. “I’ve been around these goofs for three years and there are times when I wonder how they ever survived childhood.”
“Screw that!” Livvy says. “I’m still waiting for them to reach adulthood.” Shea reaches across the table to deliver a high-five to my sister. The rest of my brothers and friends all laugh quietly and dip their heads, looking embarrassed.
“Well, you do have a few teenagers in the mix still, right?” my girlfriend offers.
Liv snorts. “Max and Trey. That’s it. But who was it that ‘pantsed’ Will last night at eleven-thirty?” I look around the table. Jon, the oldest one sitting with us at 32, finally raises his hand and everyone starts laughing while she continues. “We were all sitting around the campfire. Most of the guys were still in their swimming suits from earlier, and poor Will stands up to get Shea some water, and Jon took his shorts right off him and ran into the freezing cold lake with them.”
“Before we knew it,” Shea continues, “all the guys were in there playing keep-away from my sweet, naked husband… until he gave up and we went to bed.”
“I feel like I won in the end,” Will says to himself before looking at her and giving her a kiss.
“Anyway,” Shea says, breaking away, trying to be modest, “Coley, I can’t begin to imagine what you went through or what you felt. And somehow that idiot,” she says, nodding to Jon, “said some perfect stuff already. No matter what people tell you, don’t be ashamed of your body or sexuality. What you two were doing was an expression of love and desire, and it’s a beautiful thing. If someone calls you a slut or whore, you just come back with, ‘I am a goddess. I was being worshipped.’ Then just smile and walk on.”
Coley blushes.
“It’s absolutely true,” I tell her. “You wouldn’t be lying.”
“All women are goddesses,” Shea says, shrugging her shoulders. “Sometimes, it takes a good sisterhood to remind you of that. Do you treat yourself as a goddess? And how do you let others treat you?”
“Some girls aren’t worthy of the title anymore,” Liv adds. “They’re the ones that will criticize you for what they saw in the video. Maybe they let other people treat them like shit somewhere down the line, and now they feel it’s their personal responsibility to share the vitriol. But what are you?” she asks Coley.
“A goddess?” she says, unsure.
“An incredibly beautiful goddess with an impenetrable shield to ward off their hate, and a boyfriend who loves you, two sisters who will stand beside you, and a bunch of idiots who call themselves brothers who will–most of the time–do the right thing and defend your honor, too.
“And so help me God, if they ever pants you, I will personally kill the culprits.”
“I’ll help,” Shea says.
“We don’t pants girls,” Jon cuts in.
“But it’s a good idea to wear a one-piece,” Finn says, cupping his hands over his own chest.
“I will personally kill you, Finn, if you touch her bathing suit,” I vow with a smile.
“I miss the pre-growth-spurt Trey that couldn’t follow through on threats.”
“Well, thank you all.” Coley moves the hair out of her eyes and looks into the faces of my brothers and sisters. “I’m dreading this week at school, but I hope people have moved on.”
“Get through the day,” Livvy says, “and Shea and I will come over to Trey’s and have a fun girls’ night of pampering with you. It’s something to look forward to. Is that okay, Trey?”
“Well, I mean, she hasn’t even seen the place since I moved in. We might want some time.”
“You’ll have Sunday night and every night after.” I look at her and let her make the ultimate decision.
“I’d love that.”
“Good, I’ve been dying to hang out on that terrace,” Shea says.
“You still owe us a party, Trey,” Will says. “I expect an invite soon. Damon would love to play.”
“When school’s out, I promise. I just need things to die down.” I can’t wait for normalcy to return.
Sunday night, Coley and I return directly to my new place. She was relieved to see that there was only one photographer in the street in front of my building when we pulled up, but with the attached private parking garage, he wouldn’t get any opportunity to see us. With the way the penthouse is designed to allow for complete, 360-degree views of Manhattan, I have to park on the floor below mine to get in, but it’s still convenient. We just take the elevator up one floor using our special keycard, and we’re inside the new apartment that I was only able to spend a little over a week in before I joined Coley in Virginia. It’s still very new to me, and Anna even came back from the lake house one day last week to oversee a few final touch-ups while I was gone.
When the doors open, Coley takes one step out and stops in her tracks. “Oh, my God. This is not your place!”
“You saw it before!” I remind her as I deactivate the alarm.
“Not with furnishings and decorations! Not with that awesome couch and–did Livvy paint that?” She points directly across from us.
“Of course. Hey,” I say, getting her attention, “this has fingerprint authentication for the security system, so we need to get you set up later.”
“Jesus Christ, that’s fancy.”
“The cameras are in the ceilings. You can see them all. All but one of the indoor ones shut off when I come in, and we’ll set them that way for you, too. The only active one stays pointed on the elevators.”
“Don’t walk naked in front of the elevators. Got it.”
“I’m the only one that can get into the system, but just to play it safe, yes. The cameras on the balcony are always on unless we shut them off when we go outside.”
“Where do they point?”
“They’re mounted by the doors, pointing outward. Nothing pointing inward. Any questions?”
She shakes her head and walks toward the kitchen. “Are you really going to cook?”
“I can cook.” I put my hand on the small of her back and guide her to the room where we had custom desks made for us. “Check this out.”
“Flowers?” She walks to the desk that is set up exactly where she said she wanted one and sniffs a fresh bouquet. “They’re beautiful.”
“Welcome home. Have a seat.” I offer her the rolling chair to see how she likes it.
“This is fantastic. I love my desk.”
“Check the drawers…” After she looks inside, her head turns back slowly to me.
“I may be stocked for life.” She pulls out one of the fifty Moleskine journals inside, then opens the top drawer and finds a pen. “My favorite kind, too! In blue!”
“I pay attention. You can hook up your computer to the monitor over there, or move it out of the way when you’re not using it so you can look right out the window. You have the best view in the whole place. Right down onto Morningside Park.”
“It’s lovely, Trey.”
“See that man right there? With the cart?” I ask her, pointing to the street level.
“Yeah.”
“Guess what he sells.”
“Ice cream.”
“Nope. Honest-to-goodness, real live piragua.”
“No. Effing. Way.”
“He does. I’d forgotten about him, but he was here all last summer and most of the fall. Right on that corner.”
“That does not suck snow cones,” she says. “Do you think he knows the song?” The smile on her face is the brightest thing in the room, even though there are paintings accented with yellow hues all over.
“There’s only one way to find out.”
Bef
ore we continue with the rest of the tour, she finds In the Heights on her phone and navigates to “Piragua,” a happy song about the fruity, icy Puerto Rican treat. It’s her happy music, and I will let her do anything to keep her spirits up. She’d gotten progressively better all week, but anytime she remembers what lies ahead of us tomorrow at school, the light fades from her eyes and her despondency begins to return. I just want to help her keep it at bay as best as I can, but I understand completely how she feels.
I pick up her phone and connect it to a Bluetooth speaker that sits atop the tall, four-person table placed in the middle of the room.
“That sounds amazing.”
“You have no idea about the sound system in this place. There are speakers everywhere. That was just the easiest to connect to right now. Come see the rest of the place.”
chapter twenty-eight
A month and a half after moving, the newness is wearing off and the apartment is finally feeling like home to me. Coley hasn’t spent nearly as much time here as I have, so it’s still fun to show off things or to watch her discover new things on her own.
“Want to see some sunshine?” My voice is raspy–expectedly so. After we’d stayed up until nearly two in the morning making love, Coley woke me up in my pitch-black room at seven, raring to go again. In a sleepy haze, our sex this morning was sloppy and passionate and incredibly loud.
“Sunshine’s good,” she responds, with barely any voice at all. I reach over her to pick up the remote, activating the new automatic black-out curtains that keep us hidden from the world. “What the… So bright!” she whispers, turning away from the terrace doors and facing me. “Now that’s just lazy,” she says, grinning.
“I couldn’t agree more, but I’m exhausted.”
“Your eyes are so blue this morning.” She traces one of my brows with her thumb.
“Yours are, too. A deep blue.”