“You think she would try to trap Max?” The voice asked.
Shaking with rage, I slowly backed away from the door, wanting nothing more than to get out of there. Just like always, Lucinda was ruining everything and taking me with her. I fled the house, not even bothering to confront Max. I couldn’t believe his mom thought I would try to trap him. I had so much more to worry about than trying to trick some guy into getting me pregnant. Her words ran through my head over as I hiked along the road. I would never consider tricking Max, but the possibility of getting pregnant wasn’t as farfetched as it seemed before our heavy make out session in his vehicle earlier. Who knows how far it would have gone if he wouldn’t have stopped?
I walked the long two miles home, feeling like I'd been sucker punched. I had no idea how I had let things get so out of control. This is exactly why I kept my personal life a secret. By the time I neared the entrance of the trailer park, I was shivering uncontrollably. The pain in my heart made the cold seem insignificant. I willingly embraced it, knowing it was a small price to pay for my actions. I was so lost in my self-punishment, I didn’t notice the vehicle until it was almost on top of me.
Screeching to a stop, Max jumped out of the vehicle looking frantic.
“Katelyn, what the hell is going on? You leave to go to the bathroom and never come back. Why did you leave?” he asked, grabbing onto my shoulders to halt me. “What happened?” he demanded, taking in my ashen face.
“I can’t see you anymore,” I said, between my chattering teeth.
“What? Why? Did someone say something to you? So what if you’re wearing a slightly-used dress,” he said, struggling to fix the situation.
My heart sunk at his words. So they had filled him in.
“I g-gues-s they c-couldn’t wait-t-t to tell you-u,” I said as the chattering made me shake uncontrollably.
“It was Clint. He was just being an asshole. The others don’t care and neither do I,” he said, trying to pull me into his arms, but I held myself back.
“Katelyn, let’s talk about this in the car, you’re freezing.”
“I’m-m almos-st home,” I stuttered.
“We have to talk about this,” he said, trying to coax me into the vehicle.
No longer resisting, I finally allowed him to lead me to the Navigator, knowing what I needed to do. The situation had gotten out of control and only a clean break would fix it. The warmth of the vehicle was almost painful as it slowly worked its way through my frozen limbs. After several quiet moments, I finally started talking.
“We can’t see each other anymore,” I finally said, meeting his eyes.
“Why?” he asked, looking like he had been punched in the gut.
“Because we’re no good for each other,” I said, louder than I intended. “You’re just too far from the world I live in,” I said calmly, trying to get him to understand.
“Katelyn, do you think I care that you're poor? Being poor doesn’t change who you are.”
“That’s not true. Being poor changes everything. You have no idea what I’ve seen or the places I’ve lived.”
“Katelyn, so you think I’m some kind of superficial jerk?” he insisted, pounding the steering wheel in frustration.
“Then why do you guys dislike Bethany and her brother so much, if being poor isn’t important?”
“I dislike Matt because he was a complete dick to my sister a couple years ago. He wouldn’t take no for an answer when he tried to ask her out. He wound up roughing her up, but she wouldn’t let my parents press charges. Bethany wound up getting involved, calling my sister all kinds of names, saying she’d led Matt on. It was a big mess and some of the bitter feelings are still there. Matt made my sister’s last year at Munford hell,” he explained. “But none of that has anything to do with us.”
I remained silent, fighting the urge to give in. His pleading tone made it so easy to believe that we could persevere through our differences. Then I recalled the embarrassing words I had heard while I lurked behind the door at Alicia’s house. Within days everyone was sure to know about Lucinda. Would Max feel differently once he heard all those sordid details?
“It just won’t work,” I finally said, swallowing back the knot that had painfully formed in my throat.
“Katelyn, please,” he pleaded.
I climbed out of the vehicle, trying to keep my resolve as I focused on reaching my trailer before I caved to his pleading tone.
“Katelyn, life isn’t supposed to be this hard,” he said, stopping me in my tracks as I was reaching for the door handle.
“It is for me,” I said, swiping away a hot tear that had escaped my overflowing eyes.
I stepped into the trailer, walking past Lucinda who studied my ashen face critically. I slid my bedroom door closed firmly behind me, yearning to weep, but all my tears had run out years ago. I hastily dragged the dress that had started it all over my head, barely noticing as several long strands of my hair became caught in the buttons. I pulled my sweats and favorite hoodie on before climbing blindly into my bed. I curled up in a ball, tucking my pillow up to my chest, willing the pain to leave me in peace.
I had spent a lifetime saying goodbye to people I had come to care about, but none of those separations felt as acutely painful as this one.
I had been right all along. Someone was bound to get hurt.
Chapter 10
Sunday passed in a haze for me. My eyes were swollen from my sleepless night, making it obvious to everyone that something had happened at the dance. Lucinda spent the majority of the morning trying to pry it out of me, but all I would tell her was that Max and I had broken up. No stranger to heartbreak herself, Lucinda was all too happy bemoaning the faults of the opposite sex. Jim tried to stick up for all guys everywhere, but one death glare from Lucinda had him retreating to their room for the remainder of the day. Ordinarily, I would have chafed at Lucinda’s solicitous behavior, but I welcomed her mindless babble since it kept my mind off the image of Max and his hurt expression.
Kevin was at a loss over my quiet demeanor and spent the day trying to get me to smile. Part of me knew I needed to snap out of my funk for his sake, but a stronger part of me continued to be held down by tentacles of despair. I fluctuated between anticipation of at least being able to see Max the next day and the dread of knowing I would be facing those who had judged me harshly because of a clothing item.
Lucinda offered to let me skip school the next day, and I went to bed knowing I had that option.
Fate took over the next morning when I woke with a fever. My walk home in the frigid late October temperatures had not gone without consequences. My head felt like it was in a vice, my throat felt like I had swallowed razor blades, and my chest felt like it would explode with each cough. In other words, I felt like crap.
“No school for you?” Kevin asked sullenly from my doorway.
“No, I’m sorry bud. I feel like crap.”
“No Max, either?” He asked plaintively.
The disappointment in his eyes made my other aches and pains feel insignificant. By breaking up with Max, I had stripped Kevin of a role model he could look up to.
“I’m sorry, Kevin,” I said in a quiet voice.
“That’s okay, sis,” he said, seeing my distress. “I just hate riding the bus by myself.”
“I know, tomorrow I’ll be better. I promise,” I said, holding up a pinky so we could pinky swear.
“Okay, get better,” he said resisting as I dragged him in for a quick hug.
“Ugh, you’re germy,” he giggled as he backed up.
“I’ll give you germy,” I mocked, acting like I was going to grab him.
“Ick,” he shrieked, racing down the hallway, giggling like a loon the entire time.
I laid my pounding head back on the pillow, smiling for the first time in two days. Somewhere in my own misery, I had forgotten the true reason why I broke it off with Max. It was my job to protect Kevin at all costs, which meant that our ho
me life had to be kept from others, no matter how good their intentions were.
My sickness kept me in bed the entire day as I tried unsuccessfully to sleep away my aches and pains. I couldn’t shake the fever though, making it impossible to get comfortable enough to get any decent rest. Lucinda lacked real maternal instincts, so staying hydrated and medicated meant I had to fend for myself. When Kevin came home later in the day, I faintly heard Lucinda discouraging him from visiting me. I resented her interference, but knew it was for the best to keep away from me while I was so sick.
Much to Kevin’s dismay, I still wasn’t feeling better by the next day or the one after that. Bethany showed up on Wednesday with a stack of schoolwork I had missed.
“Wow, you look like shit,” she said, standing in my room uncomfortably.
“Gee, thanks,” I replied sarcastically.
“We all thought you were faking,” she said in her own tactless way.
“We?” I asked, dismayed that my worst fears were being confirmed.
“Yeah, I heard you made quite the splash at Alicia’s elite Halloween party,” she added spitefully.
My stomach dropped. “Well, thanks for bringing my work,” I said, hoping she would take the hint and leave me to my misery.
“No prob,” she said, sinking onto my bed.
“Well, I feel like crap,” I said, not having to fake the cough that rumbled through me.
“Ugh, you look it too,” she said, picking at a loose string on my blanket, avoiding my eyes.
“Did you need anything else?” I asked, trying to get to the root of her visit.
“I was just thinking, since you struck out with the Pops maybe we could hang out sometime.”
“Pops?” I asked.
“Yeah, you know, the popular peeps, the rich kids, the ‘we’re better than you’ crowd.”
“Oh I get it, sure I guess,” I said, feeling both sorry for her and repulsed at the same time as she dug dirt out from under her fingernails, dropping it on my bed.
“Um, but could you not do that on my bed?” I asked, looking at her hands.
“Sure,” she said, brushing off her cruddy remnants. “Are you going back to school tomorrow?”
“I think so. I can’t afford to miss anymore,” I said, feeling panicked at falling even further behind in math.
“Okay, I’ll meet you at the bus stop,” she said, tromping out of my room in her heavy boots.
“So, you’ll be on the bus with me tomorrow,” Kevin asked from my doorway.
“Sharpening up on those spy skills?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at him.
“Didn’t need to. She talks really loud,” he said, making a production of acting like he was cleaning out his ear.
I laughed. “True dat.”
“She smells kind of bad too,” he said, wrinkling his nose as he stepped in my room.
“I’m sure we’ve smelled that bad before too,” I reprimanded him lightly.
“Hey, no way. Even when we live in the car, you’re always clean, and so am I,” he said, defending himself.
I couldn’t argue with him. I had always worked hard to make sure Kevin and I always looked as presentable as possible. Lucinda had used us countless times to get donations from churches by parading us in front of the sympathetic hearts there. The key was to look poor, but still clean at the same time. It’s weird how people judge you. You can’t cross the line of just being down on your luck, where they would help you, to being a dirty scum-bum, where they wanted nothing to do with you. Looking poor was never hard to do in our worn-out, discolored clothes, but keeping clean had always been a challenge when you lived in a car.
“Hmm, well, it’s not our place to judge. Besides, we’ve seen worse. Remember Stinky Steve at the last shelter?”
Kevin pretended to gag, making me smile at his antics.
“Oh yeah, Stinky Steve was the grossest ever, with those disgusting, smelly overalls that looked like he…”
“Peed in them,” we both said laughing at the same time. “His hair was the worst though. I bet it’s been like fifteen years since a bottle of shampoo’s touched that head,” I added.
“It would run away screaming if it did get that close,” Kevin said giggling as he pretended to run away.
“Okay okay,” I laughed, holding my side. “Let me rest so I can go to school with you tomorrow.”
I rested back against my pillow, feeling slightly winded from my laugh-fest with Kevin.
“Katelyn, can you take care of your brother tonight? I’m exhausted from catering to you the last few days,” Lucinda said, sliding my door open.
“Sure Mom,” I said sitting up, not bothering to point out that the only thing she had done over the past two days was take care of herself. I was actually surprised she had made it this long. Normally, Lucinda always “coincidentally” managed to get sick whenever anyone else in the family did. And she expected, or rather, demanded to be catered to.
I spent the remainder of the evening fixing Kevin’s dinner and straightening up the trailer that had gotten trashed during my two days of convalescence. Actually, I wasn’t bothered too much. Emptying and cleaning ashtrays and washing used coffee mugs took my mind off what I would be facing the next day. I was confident Max would try to talk to me, and I had no real idea what I wanted to say to him. Different scenarios ran through my head as I wiped the last of the ashes off the coffee table where someone had neglected to use an ashtray. There was one idea I was considering, which wasn’t the best, but the opportunity had presented itself.
The next morning I woke up exhausted from both my cleaning regimen the night before and staying up too late to complete the majority of my missed assignments from school. The only thing I struggled with was the math, but used the examples from the textbook and slowly felt like I was finally getting it.
Bethany and her brother, Matt, met us at the bus stop and I put my plan into gear by questioning them on things they liked to do. Matt never really answered, choosing instead to just watch me warily out of the corner of my eye. Bethany, on the other hand, responded like a flower in the sun. I felt bad about my initial judgments of her after gleaning a wealth of information over the bus ride to school. She lived with only her brother and father since her mother had abandoned them several years back when Bethany’s dad wouldn’t give up his love of drinking. I could tell by the way Matt tensed up next to me while she was talking that this was the root of his problems. I felt his pain. God knows I’ve dealt with enough of Lucinda’s addictions over the years. Of course, her issues went a whole lot deeper than just a love of cigarettes and stupid men.
I walked into school with my new tentative friends and felt Alicia’s and Rebecca’s stares as we passed them near the front office. My eyes remained firmly planted on the sunny yellow walls as we continued toward the classroom. Bethany, oblivious to the inner turmoil I was feeling, continued to chatter on as she tried to cram a lifetime of information into one conversation. One thing I didn’t like was the sharp edge of her tone whenever she mentioned the school or our fellow students. Being prejudice obviously ran both ways. In all the conversations I had with the Pops, as Bethany called them, I never once heard them talk about her or Matt with the same animosity she had for them. I stifled a sigh. I hope this course of action didn’t turn out to be a huge mistake.
Max was already at his desk when we entered the room. He had his body angled toward my desk and I sensed an ambush. I couldn’t help drinking in the sight of him as I approached Mr. Graves.
“Katelyn, are you feeling better?” Mr. Graves asked concerned.
“I’m getting there,” I said in a near whisper since my voice kept going in and out annoyingly.
“You sound awful,” he said, still looking concerned.
“I think this is the tail end of it,” I said, trying to sound hopeful. “Anyway, I was wondering if I can move my desk over near Bethany, if you don’t mind.”
His face lit up at my words. “That would be excellent. I
think she could use a friend.”
I nodded my head, agreeing with him.
“Clint and Shawn, do me a favor and move Katelyn’s desk over here,” he said, pointing to the empty spot on the other side of Bethany.
I noticed he didn’t ask Max to help move my desk, judging by the glowering expression on his face, I could see why. I averted my eyes and tried to tune out the whispering I could hear throughout the room. I had drawn the line, and I could feel the shift in the room. I looked at Rebecca to see if she was gloating over Max being free again, but was surprised that she was studying me with what looked like puzzlement and sympathy.
Bethany continued to chatter away once I was settled and acted possessive of me when anyone passed our desks. I nodded my head at the appropriate parts of the conversation and blamed my sore throat for my uncommunicative responses.
I ate lunch with Bethany and Matt that day and for the rest of November. Eventually, the whispers about me stopped, and several of the other students I hadn’t had a chance to get to know before became friendlier. Bethany remained possessive of me and would often interrupt conversations if she thought they might lead to other friendships. I didn’t resent her attitude since she had unknowingly helped me out.
As winter approached, the days grew shorter and colder. I knew our days in Four Corners were numbered judging by Lucinda’s clamorous complaining. Part of me was actually anxious for the move to happen so I wouldn’t have to see Max each and every day. Still, the other side of me was filled with deep despair at the thought of never seeing him again. Being in a small school had become both the blessing and curse I thought it would be. It was torture being around Max in every class because I wanted so badly to run to his arms and feel the gentle beating of his heart against me. In the beginning he would stare at me across the room for hours on end. I learned to discipline myself to focus on anywhere but where he sat, and eventually he stopped looking all together. I mourned the loss of his glances more than I could have imagined, throwing myself wholeheartedly into my schoolwork. I had asked Mr. Hanson if Courtney could tutor me in math once I broke it off with Max. She wasn’t quite as strong as Max at the problems, but she also didn’t distract me like he used to. She and I gradually became friends through the tutoring sessions since Bethany wasn’t around. It was more of a superficial friendship on my part since I once again had my walls erected to protect my personal life. I appreciated her easygoing nature though, and wished that I could have gotten to know her better.