“I’d say something witty, but you have a big enough head,” I replied, stepping away from him as he unfroze the world around us.
“You make it big with all the screaming for God when I take you, Emma,” he chuckled.
“His name is easier to remember when my eyes cross and my toes curl,” I joked, smiling as I turned to head to Addy.
Once I reached her, Liam moved away, and I sat beside her at the picnic table someone had stolen from the local park to place outside the shelter.
“He knows he will have to put this back, right? Stealing a table from a park is like a felony, or something,” I stated.
“Sure,” she quipped as she gave me a sideways look. “I’m sure that state troopers are going to be here any minute to arrest him.” She leaned close to me conspiratorially. “You’re happy with him,” she whispered, which was ridiculous because every ear in the place could hear us.
“I am,” I replied softly as I turned to really look at her. She wasn’t glowing, but she had been smiling until I’d sat down beside her. “Liam makes you happy, too.”
“He does,” she responded carefully. “I know it bothers you, but he’s changed since you guys left.”
“We weren’t gone that long,” I pointed out.
“Long enough,” she countered with an impish grin. “He told me you weren’t happy, that he could smell it on you.”
“You deserve better.” She deserved the world. This was my best friend, my family by choice. “You deserve the world, and he can’t give you it.”
“I deserve to be happy, and he makes me happy,” she argued.
“You deserve security and to know you’re the only woman he will ever set his paws on,” I continued.
“He knows I’ll neuter his ass if he so much as looks at another woman,” she growled.
“You deserve to smile and be cherished.” I glanced at her from the side of my eye as she frowned.
“He cherishes me and he does make me smile, Emma. He’s brilliant, too; the guy is smart as all get out. He makes me belly laugh, and you know how hard that is to do. He even gave me a back rub the other day because my lower back was killing me. He helps me, and he challenges me and I love him!”
“Then marry him,” I ordered softly, watching as her mouth dropped open.
“I can’t do that,” she argued.
“Why not?” I turned to look at her with a frown.
“Because you don’t approve, and you’re the only family I have left. I want you more than I want him. There, I said it.” Tears clouded her eyes.
“Why can’t you have us both?” I raised an eyebrow at her emotional outburst.
“Because you don’t approve,” she whispered.
“Who said I didn’t? Liam? Because he caught a whiff of something, and used his doggie senses instead of asking questions. Perhaps talking to me?” I mused. “He needs to work on being human.” I shook my head. “He sucks at it.”
“I don’t understand,” she squeaked through a hiccup.
“Nothing changes us being family, Addy. I chose you as my sister the moment I met you. We’ve lost everything and everyone we love. You think I’d keep you from being happy? I want you happy, and I don’t care who it’s with. I don’t think he’s good enough for you, but then again, I’m pretty sure no one would ever be good enough for you if you left it up to me to decide. No one is ever good enough for someone you love as much as I love you. You’re having his baby, nothing can change that, but this world needs some order to the chaos, so marry him. We can’t control the world, but we can keep some semblance of normalcy in our world, and find some happy, yeah?”
She threw herself at me and hugged me as she cried. Liam watched from the tree he leaned against with a soft smile and a firm nod, letting me know he’d listened to the entire exchange.
“Besides, Addy, if he breaks your heart, I can break his head,” I added, winking at Liam.
“You could, couldn’t you?” she laughed nervously.
“In a fucking heartbeat,” I smiled.
“I’m glad you’re back,” she whispered as she watched Liam. “Lachlan’s been trying to get you alone so he can speak to you, by the way.”
“Has he?” I asked, wondering what the wolf wanted to talk about. I’d been so lost in my head that I hadn’t given a thought to what everyone else was feeling. “Where is he?”
“Behind ye, lass.” His wicked Scottish brogue brought a smile to my lips.
“Lachlan,” I sighed, and closed my eyes as I turned to look at him. I’d missed him more than I thought I would, and I had avoided this conversation long enough. “You wanted to talk?” I asked.
“Aye, I wanted tae ken what happened tae ye, lass.” He nodded to Addy as she stood up and dusted off her dress.
“I have things to get done, I’ll see you later.” She hugged me tightly and trotted over to Liam as Lachlan sat beside me.
I had a feeling guilt was chewing at him for not coming to find me. My voice was even as I held his hand and looked into his green eyes. “He pulled me out of there…out of that hellhole.” I swallowed hard as I looked back on everything that had happened since Azrael pulled me out of that shitty place. “I learned about what I am. I got to know him, and I even met some Sentinels that weren’t trying to kill me,” I laughed a little. “You know, it’s a real mind fuck to live my life for this long and then find out there is a whole other part of me that I never knew existed. The night that we came back and I saw…” Lachlan placed two fingers against my lips, and tried to shush me so I wouldn’t finish that line of thought, but I pulled back and rambled on. “I just want you to know that I’m not disappointed with you, at least not anymore. I know you had a good reason for not leaving and I’m not mad at you.”
“Nae, ye would nae be, would ye, lass?” He smirked. “I kenned ye were in trouble, but we couldn’t get o’ scent, or find o’ single trace of you. I figured ye would get back tae us, but when ye didn’t, aye, I started tae worry aboot ye. I wanted tae come searching for ye, but it was nae that easy, ye ken,” he explained softly; the guilt in his voice tugged at my heartstrings. “So I stayed and sent Cian oot and aboot tae look for signs of ye, but there was nothing. It was nae good there, Jaeden was in bad shape, and I wasn’t sure the daft arse would make it for a bit. Then the bloodlust took hold, and I was nae sure I wanted tae stick aboot, but I could nae leave him like that. He’s an asshole, ye ken, but nae one deserves tae go through what he had. I kenned ye would want me tae save him if anything happened tae ye, so I made sure he lived. In case ye dinna ken, we got the wee ones oot before the vampires sacked the place. That town paid the price for what they did tae the vampires; their wrath was something terrible tae see.” He nodded knowingly at me. “Ye saw the last of it before ye disappeared. I am sorry, lass. I should have done more tae find ye.”
“You wouldn’t have been able to. Azrael isn’t quite like us; the way he views things and his priorities are really different than what I’m used to. He’s always a few steps ahead; he’s smart. He didn’t hurt me, either, and I think I’m supposed to be with him. It just feels right. He knows my flaws and he still wants me. I can feel him on a deeper level, but more than that, Lachlan, he makes me think that there’s a future. He makes me laugh. He’s unlike anyone else I’ve ever met, and I know you feel guilty because you didn’t come. I forgive you. You’re my friend, and I know if you could have come to save me, you would have.”
“Without a moment of hesitation,” he confirmed. I leaned my head against his shoulder and gave him a chaste peck on the cheek.
“You did what I would have wanted you to do, even if at the time I sort of lost track of that. When he took me, I had no idea if you all were dead or alive, and the not knowing had me a little freaked out,” I said with a shake of my head as he moved from the table to stand in fro
nt of me. “You’re a good man, Lachlan, and I’m glad we met.”
“Aye, lass, even if I was nae sure if I wanted tae kill or spank your wee sexy arse when we first met,” he laughed. “I need tae check in on the wee ones; I promised one a bar o’ chocolate if she learned tae hopscotch.”
I laughed and watched as he walked away. We were going to be okay.
Chapter 32
I sat at the table long after Lachlan had gone inside. Although I was happy that Lachlan and I were all good, and Addy and I had cleared the air about the baby, my heart was still hurting, knowing that while Addy thought everything was fine, it wasn’t. Liam was a born wolf, not a turned one. He was immortal. She was mortal. Eventually, she’d age and he’d remain the same unless he bit her, and werewolf bites came with a lot of risk.
“Emma,” Jaeden murmured as he sat close to me.
“Jaeden.” I turned to give him a sad smile. My eyes drifted to Astrid, who stood less than a stone’s throw away from us, listening.
“Can we talk?” His turquoise eyes searched mine as I sat staring at him. At that moment I knew that I still loved him; that hadn’t changed. I just couldn’t be with him, and that hadn’t changed either.
“Of course we can,” I replied, watching him as I turned, and gave him my full attention. “As soon as Shamus and Astrid stop listening to everything I say, of course,” I amended.
He smiled and tilted his head playfully. “We can talk in your bedroom.”
“Or in a meeting room,” I countered carefully. I stood, held out my hand, and watched as he took it, taking control as he pulled me behind him. I knew Shamus would be listening no matter where we were. He was old, old enough that his senses were heightened more than any other vampire here.
Once we were in the meeting room, he pulled me into his arms and I allowed it. I felt my body react, but unlike the way it came alive with Azrael, now it only sparked with Jaeden. I was sure we could have great sex; that had never been one of our problems. Timing, however, was never on our side. I stood on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek chastely before pulling away from him to sit in a chair.
“It’s really over, isn’t it?” His eyes searched mine for the answer and found it before I could put words to his question.
“Look, I love you, I do, but sometimes what seems written in the stars is actually written in lust. We are toxic together. You and I? We burn too hot and then we turn to ice; you have a lot of baggage, and I have more issues than Vogue. Too much shit has happened and, while you have rules to follow, I don’t. I lost my brother, and I can’t for the life of me understand why it happened,” I admitted.
“Emma, you can’t try to make sense of something so senseless. Evil doesn’t follow rules, or codes of conduct. Your mother, she’s the worst kind of evil because she doesn’t live by any code that you or I recognize. She’s fed by greed. Grayson’s death? That’s not on you. You can’t carry that burden.”
“It’s on me because, had I been where I was supposed to be, he’d still be here. I can own up to that. If I had been here, he wouldn’t have been able to be lured away,” I whispered as tears clouded my vision. “I don’t blame you for what happened. But I can’t allow myself to be who I am with you. With you, I let my guard down, I fuck up. The stakes aren’t just some trivial thing anymore, it’s people’s lives. Then there’s the fact that Shamus and Astrid keep coming between us. I know you have feelings for her, and it is okay to. You have a past together. I know that. Shamus, however…he pushed me away from you, and you allowed it to happen. Then there’s the elders. If they called you right now and ordered you to run, you’d run. That’s okay too. We don’t live in the same world. Well, we do, but you dance to a different beat than I do, and I have to learn to walk before I can dance, ya know what I mean?”
“That makes no sense,” he grumbled as he ran his fingers through his hair.
“I’m saying that I have to let you go. I will always love you, Jaeden, always, but sometimes the world doesn’t care what we want, it gives us what we need.” I swallowed the sob that threatened to break free at saying the words.
“I can send Astrid away,” he replied, his eyes watching my pulse.
“But you won’t,” I retorted. “You won’t because it’s not what Shamus wants. You are an amazing soldier, and I get that you have a duty to your people. I’m okay with that. Shamus is the one you take orders from, Jaeden, not the other way around. He is the one in control, and I’m not sure you understand the implications of that. He switched the birth control in this place. They’re all on sugar pills, a placebo. Five women are pregnant, including my best friend. He’s willing to risk their lives to feed his people.” I noted he didn’t flinch or show any emotion over the news.
“You knew, Jaeden,” I gasped breathlessly. “You knew what he did, and you didn’t say anything to me. You knew I wouldn’t like it and I would fight against it. It’s not a lie, but a deliberate omission. Your loyalty isn’t to me, and I don’t feel like we’re on the same side anymore. I hate it, but I can’t change it, and it wouldn’t be fair of me to ask you to switch sides as your life could be the payment should you do so.”
“I suspected it, but no, I wasn’t told it was happening. This setup was planned a long time ago, to replenish the population so that we had a continuous source of blood. It was a request from the elders.” His mouth tightened with each word that came out. “You’re wrong, though, we are on the same side. I’ve always been on your side.”
“Careful, Jaeden,” I warned. “Treason against your own people isn’t something I want to see you charged with. Shamus is just outside that door; he can’t help himself. He has to know everything that goes on between us.” I could hear his breathing; I’d studied it in the last few days. I was learning everything I could about my enemy and all his twisted quirks.
“He knows I follow the elders’ orders and always have. He and I don’t always see eye-to-eye on things, but the elders have the final say in everything,” Jaeden shrugged, obviously not surprised that Shamus was listening. “It doesn’t change the fact that I want you. I’ll always want you and I’m willing to fight him to get you back.”
“Don’t waste your time, Jaeden,” I whispered. “We gave it a good try. It didn’t work out, and we both know that no matter how much we want it to be otherwise, it would never work out. I’m not going to say that it was you or me, because it wasn’t. We did well together, but the timing was all wrong. You’ll always be my first love, and you have a place inside of me that no one else can touch, ever,” I whispered.
“Emma,” he growled as he stood and pushed the table away from me. “I’m not going to just stand by while he gets the girl. I’m a fucking Viking! I take what I want, and right now, it’s you.”
“I wouldn’t do that,” Azrael warned as he pushed away from the door, where he’d just appeared.
“The fuck you say,” Jaeden snapped; his fangs extended and his eyes turned red with hunger.
“Go ahead, kiss her,” Azrael replied, undisturbed by Jaeden’s transformation. “You might get lucky, you might not. It’s a crapshoot right now while her powers are still emerging. You might want to know what she is before you take what you think it is that you want from her. I am a Guardian of Death, Emma is a Guardian of Life; anything I touch…dies. I’ll let you add up what will eventually happen if you keep trying to touch her, or she touches you,” he mused.
“Hayden was telling the truth?” I whispered. Azrael shifted his attention from Jaeden to me.
“He told you, and you didn’t believe him? Hell, I tried to tell you, but you must have not wanted to hear what I was saying. You’re a Guardian of Life. Remember what I told you about my powers when they emerged? One day, everything was normal, the following day someone dear to me touched me and they died. There will come a time soon, where he will touch you, or try to kiss you and he’ll be back on
a solid food diet. Is he willing to throw his immortality away for you? I asked you earlier, is he willing to give up his world for you?”
I shook with the knowledge of why he’d asked the question after training. He meant it; Jaeden wouldn’t pick me, because he’d become mortal. Shit.
“Elaborate,” Jaeden growled.
“Vampirism is a type of virus; Emma is a cure for diseases, viruses, and can prevent death if she can get to the person prior to rigor setting in. You fit two of the criteria, so go ahead. Keep touching her if you’re willing to give it all up for her.” Azrael’s expression seemed so calm and clinical. However, I could tell how he was fighting against himself. He told me before that he would kill Jaeden if he touched me again.
I trembled with the idea of what might have happened. What if my powers kicked in while we were traveling? What could have happened if Azrael hadn’t taken me?
“What about Lachlan and the wolves? What if I touch them?” The wolves were also infected with a type of virus that allowed them to shift; if I messed with that, Liam would never let me near Addy’s baby.
Azrael shook his head. “From what I was told, you would be able to touch born wolves like Lachlan without changing them. Rogue wolves are pretty well-fucked. You are their proverbial version of screwed, without the fun stuff.”
I glanced at the open door of the meeting room, and the people who were gathered and frozen in place in front of it. How the hell?
“What did you do?” I asked, wondering how everyone else was frozen except Jaeden.
“He was part of the discussion and it is pertinent to him,” Azrael explained patiently.
“So, I can’t touch her anymore?” Jaeden’s face looked pained.
“It’s a risk. Her powers could mature at any time. She’s evolving, slowly. At the moment, she doesn’t cure through touch,” he admitted.
“But eventually she’ll be able to.” Jaeden studied me contemplatively, as if he was weighing his options. “How do I know this isn’t just bullshit? You seem to think she’s yours,” he ground out.