In contradiction to everything my body is telling me to do, I pull myself out of Jake’s arms and step back. He stands there, only a foot away, breathing heavily and looking confused.
“Asha …” I don’t know what he’s reading on my face, but it makes him look at me with a kind of longing I’ve never seen before. “That was ––”
A mistake.
“It was just us getting caught up in the moment.” I can still feel his body heat lingering on my skin. “We just had an emotional outpouring and … the … other stuff was a side-effect. Right?”
He brushes his fingers across his lips like he’s wiping them free of sensation. “Is that what you want to call it? A side-effect?”
“Jake …” I sigh. “That’s what it needs to be. We’ve just untangled ourselves from years of heartache. Do you really want to go down a road that could land us there again? Not to mention, the only reason we reconnected was because of your heart-wrenching poetry about a woman you’re obviously still hung up on. I’m not interested in being anyone’s rebound.”
He runs his fingers through his hair, still seeming shell-shocked. “And even if we remove Ingrid from the equation, let’s not forget you have a boyfriend.”
There’s an edge to his tone, as if he could tell that for the few minutes he was wrapped around me, Derek ceased to exist.
“All good reasons for us to keep our distance,” I say as I take a step back, still feeling an irresistible urge to go to him. “The main thing is, we’re back to being friends, and that’s … amazing. It’s what we both want. Anything else could destroy us all over again.”
No friendship in the world is immune to the fallout of a sexual fling gone wrong. Certainly not one as fragile as ours.
Jake sighs so deeply, his shoulders drop. “You’re right. The goal was to be friends again, so …” He exhales. “Let’s do that. Close, platonic... friends.” He looks at me. “Have I mentioned how much I missed you?”
I smile. “You have. And the feeling is entirely mutual.” I glance over at the curtain we pushed through to get back here. “So …” I gesture with my head. “Shall we?”
He shoves his hands in his pockets. “Yeah, you go. I’m completely on board with our friends plan, but parts of my body aren’t, so … I’m going to need a minute.”
I don’t mean to look at his crotch, it just happens. And as fast as I look away, it’s not quick enough for the long line of him pressing against his pants to not be seared into my brain.
“Okay,” I say, smoothing down my dress. “I’ll see you back out there, friend.”
“Uh huh.”
Even when I turn away, I can feel the heat of him watching me leave.
_______________
I don’t retreat into the ladies’ room just because I’m feeling conflicted after my time with Jake. It’s also to ensure that after my session of ugly crying, I don’t have anything disgusting smeared across my face that would horrify fellow party-goers.
At least I learned my lesson from my day from hell earlier in the week and invested in waterproof eye products. My face is puffy, and my eyes are red, but at least I’m not goth girl.
I hear the door open, and when I look up from washing my hands, I see Eden standing behind me.
“What’s up with you and Jake?”
My heart skips several thousand beats. “What? Nothing. Why?”
Did she see us? Or maybe someone else did and squealed?
“Damn, settle down,” she says, passing me some paper towels. “I just mean when I saw you on the dance floor, it looked like you were having words. Is everything alright? Did he upset you? Do I need to hit him with my shoe?”
I dry my hands and let my panic deflate. “He upset me, but I deserved it. We actually sorted some stuff out.”
She crosses her arms and gives me a look of surprise. “Really?”
“Yep.” I throw the towels in the trash. “We’re going to try being … uh … friends, again.” Even saying it feels weird.
“Huh. And yet, there wasn’t anything on tonight’s weather report about hell freezing over. Weird.”
I nudge her with my elbow as we head out the door. “I’m not saying we’re going back to being besties right away, but … we really talked through things for the first time, and …” I stop and turn to her. “You know the other night when you said we all have to deal with stuff from the past that’s holding us back?”
“Of course. It was amazing advice.”
“Well, I think that’s what we did tonight. I didn’t realize how much space all my Jake issues were taking up. I mean, I still have some guilt over the choices I made, but … we actually admitted we missed each other.”
We also came dangerously close to kissing, but that’s not relevant right now.
“Does that mean you guys are going to team up again and draw monsters all over my bedroom wall? Because that wasn’t cool.”
I think for a second. “Hmmm. We have no immediate plans beyond finishing his book and behaving like adults for a change, but we’ll see how it goes.”
She pulls me in for a hug. “Well, I’m thrilled for you. I have to admit, it was easier to deal with your neuroses when Jake was around. It’s really a two-person job.”
I laugh and push her away. “Let me tell you a little story about a man called Shut Up.”
She smiles and hands me my purse. “Joanna asked me to give this back to you.”
“Did she leave?”
“Not sure. I saw her talking to Toby earlier. She’s probably around somewhere.”
We head back over to the bar area, and as we approach, I can see that Derek’s there, chatting with Jake.
Oh, God. This isn’t good. I’d almost forgotten that even though I’ve put out one fire tonight, the rest of the forest is still burning.
“I’d expected Derek to have left by now,” Eden whispers. “He usually hates these things. I kind of hope he’s cruising for a woman. God knows, if anyone needs to get well and truly laid, it’s him.”
I almost choke on my tongue.
“Hey, guys.” Eden says as she grabs two glasses of champagne off the bar and hands one to me. “What’s the news?”
Jake glances at me, then at his shoes. Okay, so we’ve officially reached the awkward phase of our new friendship. I wonder how long it will take for that flash of lust backstage to fade.
“Just talking to Jake about his travels,” Derek says. “Fascinating stuff. I hope you have an interview organized with him for Pulse.”
Eden rolls her eyes. “Of course. Sid promised us the first major feature on Boy Wonder, so be prepared for an argument next week on how many words you’re going to give me.”
Derek smiles and shoves his hands in his pockets. “Our arguments are the favorite part of my day.” He pulls a room key out of his pocket. “Well, as much fun as this has been, I’m heading out.” He looks at me. “I have the Ambassador’s Suite, and I intend to make the most of it.”
Eden cocks her head. “Is that code for watching porn in your bathrobe?”
Derek gives her a tired smile. “Goodnight, Tate. Tell Max he did a great job.” He shakes Jake’s hand. “Nice chatting with you, Jacob.”
Jake nods. “You, too.”
Finally, Derek turns to me. “Asha. Always a pleasure.”
I smile and try to hide that my body is still buzzing from another man’s hands. “Likewise.”
Oh, how much do I suck? Let me count the ways.
When Derek walks away, Eden makes a snorting noise. “Ash, he totally just checked you out. As if you’d ever give it up for his grumpy ass.”
Jake shoots me a look, and I know he’s urging me to level with her about Derek, but I shake my head. Tonight has already been a marathon of emotional upheavals. I can’t deal with another one. Not yet.
“Well, it’s been great,” I say. “But I think I’m going to call it a night.”
Jake finishes the rest of his beer. “Me, too. Thanks for having me, Ede
n. and just for the record, it was your idea to get me onstage, wasn’t it? A little payback for historical crimes against your sister?”
Eden feigns shock. “What? How dare you? I would never stoop so low. And I didn’t enjoy your extreme discomfort in the slightest
Jake buttons his jacket. “Glad to be of service.”
We say goodnight to Eden, and after I hug her, Jake and I head out of the ballroom. Even though our backstage catharsis has eased a huge portion of the anxiety that’s always existed between us, what happened afterward has opened the door to a whole new world of tension, one in which the merest brush of his elbow against my arm sets my entire body onto high alert.
“So,” Jake says as we stop near the elevators. “I take it you’re not coming with me.”
I know he’s asking about our transportation arrangements, but I still find the question hot.
“I have to go see Derek.” Jake frowns. “Is that okay?”
He shrugs. “He seems like an okay guy, but I get the definite impression you’re nervous around him. Why is that?”
I tug some hair behind my ear. I haven’t felt comfortable confiding in anyone about my sexual hang-ups, so why the hell am I seriously considering telling Jake? If I’m being honest, taking a small piece of the attraction I feel for Jake and transferring it to Derek would have me breaking land-speed records to get to his room. As it is, I’m not sure I should even go.
Jake moves closer and takes my elbow in his hand. “Ash, I know we have to take this friends thing slow, but if there’s anything you want to tell me …”
I take in a shallow breath, and right away he steps back and removes his hand. “Shit. Sorry. Distance.” He clenches his hands at his sides. “Just reassure me this guy is good to you, because if he treats you the way he treats your sister, he and I are going to have a conversation.”
“No conversation necessary,” I say, still blushing from his touch. “Derek treats me like a queen.” That’s what makes this whole thing so damn difficult. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He lingers for a second. “You sure?”
“Yeah.” I give him my most confident smile and step back from his addictive warmth. “Very sure.”
I push the call button for the elevator, and when it arrives, I get in and select the suite level. Jake stands outside the doors, hands in his pockets. It’s clear he still has concerns, but he doesn’t say anything. He just watches me until the doors close.
As the elevator speeds upward, I let out a sigh and slump against the wall.
“I can do this,” I mutter to myself, steeling my resolve. “I have to do this.”
TWENTY
____________________
Just Friends
THE NEXT MORNING, I climb the stairs to Jake’s apartment with a pounding head and a heavy heart. The last thing I want is to bring my personal issues into our writing sessions, so I’m hoping dark glasses will shield me from the light, as well as Jake’s scrutiny.
I knock as gently as I can to ensure my head doesn’t explode, and after a few seconds, he opens the door. At least he has the decency to be wearing a shirt today. My defenses are at an all-time low as it is. Resisting his half-naked sex appeal would be a bridge too far.
He studies me for a second then says, “Morning.” It’s quiet and friendly, and kind of off-putting. It’s going to take some getting used to with him not snarking at me all the time. We’ve had the same pattern for so long, different feels new.
“Hey.” My voice sounds as retched as I feel.
“Sexy rasp you have going there.”
“Glad you like it. Now please stop yelling at me.” I hand over one of the coffee cups I’m holding and walk past him.
He closes the door and follows. “I wasn’t yelling. I was speaking at my regular volume.”
“Then your regular volume is too loud. If you’re serious about being my friend, you’d whisper. Or write me notes. Either is good.” I walk over to the couch and dump my bag before putting my coffee down and sinking into the ugly brown fabric.
“Are you hung over?”
“No. And by no, I mean yes.” My sunglasses are blocking out most of the glare, but this apartment with no walls is still way too bright, so I lean my head back and close my eyes.
“I didn’t think you had that much to drink last night.”
“I didn’t with you. But Derek bought a bottle of Cristal for us, and it would have been rude not to drink it.” Also, I wanted to drink it. I thought it would help. Of course, it didn’t. Nothing could have.
I hear creaking and figure Jake just sat down on the couch opposite me. He’s quiet for a suspiciously long time, and when I crack my eyes open, he’s sitting forward on the edge, studying me.
“What?”
“Are you okay?”
“My head feels like it’s going to split open, so not really.”
“I’m not talking about your hangover, Ash.” He’s doing that thing where he bypasses all my deflection and sees straight into my soul. “What happened last night?”
My skin prickles. “With you and me? We’ve talked about that. Heat of the moment.”
“Not with us, although that’s something we also need to discuss. I mean what happened with Derek?”
How does he always know? Why am I incapable of keeping secrets around this man? It was annoying when we were kids, but now it’s just plain rude.
How can I tell him what happened without giving all the reasons behind it? I already feel humiliated. I don’t want to go through it again with him.
“Jake, please … I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Okay. But how about you take off the glasses.”
I sit up straighter. “What?”
“Your sunglasses. Take them off. I want to see your eyes.”
“Are you trying to kill me? These glasses are the only thing preventing the sun from exploding my retinas into tiny pieces.” And from you seeing that I’ve been crying for several hours.
Jake’s getting more agitated by the moment. “Did he hit you? Force himself on you?” He looks spring-loaded, as if the moment I admit to something, he’ll fire out of here to administer his terrible wrath. “Because if that son-of-a-bitch laid a single abusive hand on you, I’m going to ––“
“Jake, nothing like that went down. What the hell?”
“Don’t you think I can tell when you’ve been crying? I’ve seen you fall apart more than anyone else on the planet, and I know the signs. So, if Derek didn’t do this to you, who the fuck did? And don’t tell me you’re fine, because I can tell you’re not.”
I press my lips together to stop them from trembling. Protector-Jake doesn’t accept deflection. He requires the truth and someone to punish, but that doesn’t work in this situation. I gingerly take off my glasses and try to avoid direct sunlight.
Jake leans forward. “You have been crying. What’s going on?”
“That’s the pathetic part. I did it to myself.”
Before he can respond, my phone buzzes with a text from Derek.
By the time I finish, I’m in tears, both the good and bad kind. In a second, Jake’s beside me, pulling me into his arms. I thought I was all cried out, but it seems I was wrong.
He strokes my back and waits. He was always good at that. Knowing that sometimes words can’t help as much as a good, cleansing cry.
I’m relieved to discover I don’t have muc
h left.
“Ash,” he says quietly, his hand cradling my head. “What happened? Is it your grandmother? Eden?”
I pull back and wipe my face. “Derek and I broke up.”
He strokes my back. “God, I’m sorry. He did it over text?”
“No, it happened last night.” I’m too tired to explain everything, so I just hand him the phone. “He was texting to see how I was.”
I lean against his shoulder and close my eyes while he reads.
When I’d gone up to Derek’s room last night to explain about everything that had been holding me back, he was amazing and supportive, but I could tell he was surprised. I’d hidden my secret well. No matter how much I tried to reassure him it wasn’t his fault, I could see he blamed himself. The champagne helped take the edge off my guilt, and when I ran out of apologies, he’d just held me until I went to sleep. I woke up this morning to find him gone. I’d thought it was a sign he was mad at me, but I guess not. It was probably better he left early. We said all our goodbyes last night.
“What is he talking about? You think you’re broken?”
I keep my eyes closed. I’m just so tired. Why is it that open, honest, adult interactions can feel like guerrilla warfare?
“Ash?”
“Jake, can we not talk about it right now? I can’t. Later, okay?”
“Yeah, of course.” He puts his arm around me and strokes my arm. “Whenever you’re ready.”
I snuggle further into his side as a familiar sense of contentment washes over me. It’s the same feeling I got when we were kids. I could read by myself and be happy as a clam, but it was so much better when Jake was there. We didn’t even have to talk. Just having him in the same room was enough. He was like my security blanket. A walking, boy-shaped pacifier.
His presence is so soothing, I don’t realize my eyes have drifted closed.
“Ash.”
I sit up with a start. “Hey. Hi. I’m awake.”
He pushes some hair away from my face. “I’m going to be writing for a while. Why don’t you go and sleep in my bed?”