‘Oh no,’ she said, ‘it’s not going to be like that,’ and dialled a taxi, still hoping the number would be engaged or out of order. It wasn’t. When the car came she was glad there was no one to say goodbye to.
3
Her two cases were near an empty platform seat, and she walked to get warm rather than go in the tea-bar waiting-room. Someone who knew her might phone George, but if by magic he came down the steps she would throw herself under the mincer of a non-stop train. She preferred to be in the cold wind where people didn’t look at each other, for if they did they might see her, and she wanted above all to be invisible.
There was a smell of smoke and diesel fumes. Shining rain-needles slanted on to the rails. Her life was her own – as cold as the weather was – and no one knew better, but she felt she would never wake up from the disabling fear that made her arms tremble as if she would be unable to lift her cases. She would get them on the train herself, or not at all, had them by the edge and hoped a door would be level when the train stopped.
A station announcement, sounding like wind and marbles thrown at the roof, increased her uncertainty and dread, showing a vision of hauling cases up the steps and out of the station, getting into a taxi and setting herself for home, which made the luggage so light when the train did arrive that she threw both heavyweights up into the doorway and carried them easily to a compartment.
Twenty years of concrete crumbled from her, and she laughed while pressing her cases as far into the rack as they would go, thinking it would be a shame if one fell at some sharp jolt and knocked her brains out at this stage of her departure.
She didn’t notice the train leaving the city till it had gone by the castle. Coming from the toilet she saw a middle-aged well-dressed man surrounded by expensive leather luggage near the doorway spit through the open window. He swung quickly to one side to avoid any blowback, as if he’d made the same gesture more than once. A handkerchief was also ready, and half covered his face. When he removed it and looked at her she saw a sallow complexion, dark neatly parted hair, a straight well-angled nose, and good teeth when he smiled. The scent was eau-de-cologne, and the mutual stare was short enough to give a feeling of complicity. She climbed happily over his cases as if she had drunk several tots of whisky yet did not feel giddy.
If someone asked why she had left her husband she wouldn’t have said anything because the answer she had been born with was embedded like a stone, not to be pulled prematurely into the glare of day without ripping her to pieces. She had lived and breathed too long with a monster she did not know how or when had been conceived. The heart had no way of creating words and giving it birth. But some day a reason would, with time and patience, be found for the riddance of everything that had tormented her since marrying George, and which had agonized her even before that, if she faced the truth which at the moment her thoughts only hinted at.
There was nothing to do except sit. She heard herself laughing at the fathomless drop opening abruptly beneath. The only space was the compartment, luckily empty, otherwise someone might have led her away as she screamed with amusement at distances opening on every side. She gripped the arm of the seat and pressed her cheek to the cold window. To leave home, husband and son for no good reason means I’m going off my head. She wiped tears and stood to look in the mirror, to find out whether or not she was actually laughing.
She had oblique grey eyes, a tinge of blue at happy times. Too much like a bloody cat’s, he had said more than once, now and again with a sentimental stare, but she’d hated her eyes for years because they had betrayed the way she felt, patience only built up and sustained by a false contentment. Her hair was long and brown, with no grey seams as yet. Maybe the grind of life had held it in suspension, and it would turn all at once now that she had left.
It was wrong to look at yourself. Before marriage there had been one mirror in the house, over the bathroom sink. The bond had broken under the strain. She saw herself anew. Her mouth was still full, lips shaped because, unlike most people she had known, she’d got her own teeth, and not yet the rabbit-grip George would have felt much easier living with. The fact of her being a few inches taller had often given him a rankling gaze. The raw bruise down her face was a memento from his fist, a reach that more than made up for his short body. If the knife had gone into his throat she would have left him by going to jail, and there would have been no mirrors there either, she imagined. If she had struck blood yet failed to kill, she would never have escaped from his life.
Lines of washing in back gardens flapped towards the place she was rapidly leaving. Clothes of all colours waved goodbye. The train was bully enough to push through any wind and to clear the clouds away, yet such free air could not disperse the ache that George still made her feel. He could crush himself from this point on. Perhaps he would even relish the chore of getting his own washing done now that she had a first-class ticket to St Pancras in her purse.
Despite pain from the mark he had given, she knew herself to be happy. When tears pushed at her eyes she could visualize his face, and reassure herself how lucky she was. The sensation wouldn’t last, but would be so much better for that, providing she enjoyed it while she could, for wouldn’t she, after wandering around the shops of London, and eating a nice Italian dinner in Soho, come back tonight and be in the same old bed again?
Happiness existed in a world she didn’t feel close to, even though she had separated from the one that had buried her for so long. She’d try not to go back, for all this couldn’t be for nothing. On her own, a certain amount of happiness would come from being in control both of herself and of the peace this gave – except that he had bruised her to make sure she would come back.
Frosty breath floated like smoke from the mouths of cows. A tractor and its plough crawled on the brown earth of a field that sloped to the close horizon. A cloud of white birds shifted behind. God was in the oil of the tractor and on the wings of every bird, as well as in the separate vapour from each placid animal. She felt the warmth of their breathing. Perhaps God did exist, since she had made her move and could not explain what else had finally given her the courage to act. She pictured Him living below the ocean, under pebbles and soil at the exact middle of the land, a God of this earth only who directed billions of lives and held the fate of everyone in His power.
On her way through town she had taken four hundred pounds out of their joint account, a poor sort of golden handshake when there was so much more (in his name only) in deposit accounts and building societies and insurance schemes and national savings. He told her little about such amounts that were put away in all kinds of places. At the beginning of their marriage she had known how much there was to the penny, but for a long time she had been uninterested, out of pride and laziness. There was also the house and car, and a catalogue of other items which by rights were half hers. But the money she had drawn was merely the retirement fund from an untenable situation, a bit to tide you over when you lit off in a demented escape without saying a proper farewell. There was also sixty pounds in her purse, cash he had kept in an old cigarette tin under a shoe box at the back of the wardrobe, as well as various rings and a watch which might be good for a meal or two.
The bank manager looked from a half-open door. The girl who took her cheque went to see if she had as much in her account. She had it twice over. It was no business of the girl’s, who checked because she was new at her job and didn’t know her as the others did. Maybe the manager was looking at someone else. He smiled before closing his door.
How many fields were there in England? There must be somebody alive who knew. They jumped hedges, rolled up hills, were sucked into cuttings, darkened into nothing by woods and tunnels. They opened like fans, and were split by full meandering streams, pure fields of green, ploughed, half ploughed, scrubbed meadows and clattering patchwork by the window as if they would come in and cover her.
The door slid open.
‘Coffee, madam?’
He
held a tray of sandwiches and drinks, and had come to laugh. He was tall, had fair crinkly hair that was somewhat long at the neck but went back in a vee at the front. There was nothing to do but look at him, and he didn’t mind, being fresh at the face and grey-eyed like a cat. His smile was friendly, and his appearance scattered the thoughts which she was glad to be rid of. He looked at her as if she were a younger woman, though perhaps it was his way with all customers, men and women alike.
‘Have you got any tea?’
‘Certainly, madam.’ She thought he added: ‘For you there’s whatever you fancy,’ but she could not be sure, because the train became noisier. He was cheeky, but she was safe, and smiled at him.
Too hot to hold, she set the cup on the hand-sized table. He clacked the door shut and went to other compartments, leaving her to wonder if George would come after her on the next train. Perhaps of a sudden at work he had driven home in a sweat to find out whether she had hanged herself or left him. He would speed at a hundred miles an hour down the motorway and wait by the ticket barrier at St Pancras. Like many men who didn’t care what you thought, he could be intuitively correct when his mind was put to it. ‘Got you, you whore!’
Let him say it. If he was there she would kill him. No mistake this time. He might say such things, but she had never been with another man since they had got married, though he might have carried on with women for all she knew. The fact that she didn’t care had harassed him beyond endurance, robbed him of his manhood, one might almost say. But that sort of game had never appealed to her, though she had known some couples play, using it perhaps as a station on the road to divorce, where most of them had ended up – happier no doubt than she was who in her deadbeat way had chosen another and maybe worse method of getting clear.
He wouldn’t meet her in London, would not even know she had gone till he got home, when she would be lost to him. She wasn’t an animal to be hunted. However much he searched he would never find her, because the world was a big enough jungle for anybody to hide in.
Most of her life she had lived in a small corner of one that had smothered her nevertheless. When he was away on business for a night she could recollect her dreams next day. But when he lay in bed by her side he fed off them all night long, and no matter how much she strove to recall them she hardly ever could.
On a restless night she might ask if he was awake, and get out of bed at sensing that he was, knowing it wouldn’t matter if he were disturbed by her movement. If he hadn’t been awake she wouldn’t have asked. In the morning she might wake him, so that he could then get up by himself and leave her sleeping for half an hour in warmth and peace. But when she got up in the middle of the night it was because something in a dream which she couldn’t remember wouldn’t let her sleep. So she would go downstairs and make tea. On her way into the toilet she realized that he had been awake for some time and waiting for her to get up, because he called out cheerfully: ‘Bring me a cup of tea as well, duck.’ At the shock of his voice she felt cheated. Though not lazy, he was a man who expected her to serve him in everything.
When he scratched himself in bed it felt as if he were trying to saw himself in half. If he succeeded there would be two of him to prey on her. He seemed at times to live in her skin, exerting such pressure that she began to know when her period was coming on because he got so moody. Otherwise she might not have known till the blood flowed. She longed for the day when its onset would take her by surprise. Freedom would be hers. She would feel blood on her thighs, and run into the nearest shop in a fever of embarrassment to buy a box of tampons, then hope to find a place to staunch the flow before going on her way.
The countryside went by in broad ribbons as the train cut a way at furious speed the nearer it got to London. Would she die if she opened the door and threw herself out? The thought was a hook that pulled at her stomach. She felt sick with alarm, and her effort to get rid of it was helped by the sight of the attendant who had come to collect her cup, his smile as grand as ever. He saw the reflection of her bruised face as the train went through a cutting, and was aware of her anguish. I bumped into something. Didn’t see it coming. Too bloody feeble. My husband clocked me one, she would say. That wouldn’t do, either. Maybe it would be best to say, with tears in her eyes: When my boy friend asked me to go away with him and I said no, he hit me. That might be better, though it was no bloody business of his or anybody else’s.
‘Looks as if we’re going to have good weather in London.’
He didn’t wait for her response. He would go home to his wife and children, and they would be happy to see him. She was sure he had photographs in his wallet, and after five minutes conversation with any stranger would flip them out like credit cards and give a long explanation about each one.
For the last few years she had played a secret game. Walking along the street, even though George might be with her, she would wonder what it would be like if it was ordained that she had to live the rest of her life with the next man who came by. What if she were washed up on a desert island with him, for example, the two of them strangers to each other? A personable young man approached, and she could imagine it with pleasure. On other occasions he would by no means be promising, so she would cheat: Well, let’s see what the next looks like. Or she would settle for the best out of three. She could easily imagine herself attuned to the ordinary youth or man who hove in sight, whether he was alone or with another woman. She passed, never to see him again. Or she would fall in love with a face that went by and vanished forever. That was as near as she had been to unfaithfulness, though according to the Bible it was just as bad. George had never been able to catch her at it. But then, how could he?
The train felt like home, and she dreaded having to get off at the end of the journey. Walking the corridor she saw the man sitting alone in the next compartment who had spat so violently on leaving Nottingham. Maybe the trip south seemed as long as ten thousand miles to him also. Even though they were only passing St Albans he already had his smart hat, gloves and overcoat on. His luggage was down from the rack, as if he couldn’t wait to leap out as soon as the wheels had stopped at the London platform. Neither could she.
4
In his mirror George saw the face of the man in the car behind talking as if he had a passenger by his side, which he had not. The driver appeared to be about forty-five years of age, haggard, unshaven, yet fleshy-faced and as vain as a monkey. He didn’t like what he was saying, as if unused to uncertainties in a life which had so far been well regulated. He was telling of something over and over again which had not only affected his life in a fundamental manner during the last twenty-four hours, but had changed that of his non-existent passenger as well.
George thought maybe the man had started from Inverness and was driving to London, and that his talk would last all day, but having just got rid of one yammerer he wasn’t prepared to take on another, no matter who he was or what he was saying. He could hear every word, because he himself was that man, and wasn’t on his way to London from Inverness, either. In any case, what would he be doing coming so far west? I’m not on the road yet, he thought, laughing to see whether the man in the car behind also laughed. He did. I’m on my way to work, and not even she can stop me doing a thing like that.
His boots slipped on the clutch, feathered the brakes, and nearly made him hit a bus that stopped at the traffic lights. The man behind swore. George always wore a pair of boots for work, and made sure’ they were polished, what’s more. They’ll keep me fit and, at a pinch, are a bloody good weapon, legal, above board, yet unconcealed. Good to kick somebody to death sooner or later – the bitch. His workmen wore thin shoes or suede, not much better than carpet slippers, so at that place anyway nobody could tread on his toes. George swore at the same time as the man behind.
Under the back seat was a box-set of micrometer, depth gauge, pair of callipers and a spirit level, as well as a ruler and a steel tape measure, bought as a present by his grandfather when he started o
n an apprenticeship thirty years ago. He had hardly used them. In the early days he left the box safe in his locker while he borrowed, bought more cheaply, or used what the firm provided. They hadn’t been calibrated since leaving the shop, but today he’d compare their readings with those on his office bench at work, and maybe use them again, though he would have to make sure they didn’t get borrowed or stolen. Such antique quality would spark a light in any roving eye. He’d always carried them in his car, fearful of leaving them at home in case the place was rifled when Pam was out shopping. They fitted snugly into green cloth-lined shapes in the box, smelled faintly of oil, steel and camphor, but instead of being comforted by their existence he saw his face in the mirror of the car behind, which happened to be that of the passenger he continually talked to. He’d always thought himself too old to go barmy.
He’d dreamed of walking into his factory and finding the machines covered in inches of dust. Pam came in from the yard outside and stood naked in the doorway, but when he touched her she changed into a steel drill spinning towards him. His only escape was into a bottomless pit, whirling down the smooth-walled shaft, from which descent he woke up sweating.
The only way to wipe the misery from all three faces was to grin. He owned the three of them, and had to decide whether it was misery or merely a forced smile stamped on each face. There was no middle path. There never was. Pam could have told him that. Didn’t look much like a smile, being the sort that often made people think he was having a harder time in life than he really was.
He wished he had never looked in the mirror in the first place and caught that expression of unmistakable pain on his face. He had sent the lovely foreign au pair upstairs to tell his wife her morning coffee had been poured. He heard a scream, and the smiling girl with nice bare breasts came in to say his wife wouldn’t be wanting her breakfast because she had killed herself. Dial the police then, you slut, he shouted, tucking into his own. Then come down and sit on my knee.