"Right. I'll see you later?"
"Sure," she replies, not committing to anything.
If she had any intention of seeing me again today, she would be a little more enthusiastic, so I don't expect anything.
She won't have a choice tomorrow. She's accompanying us to some bullshit chat show we have to do. I get that we have to do all these appearances, but I'd honestly rather just play music.
"Okay. See you later," I say as I turn around. My hand hovers over the handle.
This is so wrong. I don't want to leave her. There is so much I want to say, but I don't have any clue what or in which order. I don't know what any of it means.
She doesn't reply, so I walk out, having no idea if I've screwed things up permanently or if I can fix this.
TEXAS
SATURDAY, MAY 9
PARIS, FRANCE
I'm in the green room, waiting for Filthy Sound to appear on a chat show here in Paris.
Last night and this morning was horrible, and I'm done.
So, I'm sitting here, pretending I'm not completely focused on Kitt.
Milo is distracted on his phone, so I'm chatting with Cooper--or I'm pretending to. It hurts to watch Kitt, but I can't stop looking. It's like witnessing a car crash. Only, I feel like the car is going to plough into me.
"These things are piss boring," Coop complains.
"Piss boring?"
Lazily shrugging one shoulder, he adds, "Why do we have to do it at all?"
"Er, to promote the tour."
"It's already sold out, Texas!"
"So, talk more about the album, Coop. You're not a complete rookie anymore."
"I feel like it. All I want to do is play music and get my end away."
Charming. I really wish there were female members in Enigma or Filthy Sound. Being the only one is tough.
Coop grins at my expression. "This isn't news to you."
"No, it's not. I think I'd enjoy it more if one of you were a gentleman rather that sex mad animals."
"Kitt's the closest. Go sit with him."
Yeah, fucking right! I'd rather stick needles up my nails and rub bleach in my eyes than talk to him at the minute. And that man is no gentleman.
"No, thanks. I'm happy here."
"Oh, Texy, he'll ditch that chick to chill with you."
He makes a face, and I turn my nose up.
"So not what I mean." Lie. It is, but I don't want anyone to know Kitt's flirting with other women bothers me. I don't want to have feelings for him. I'm working on getting rid of them. Only, I don't know how to do that.
The girl Kitt is talking to laughs.
I know her name, but I don't wish to acknowledge it, so I'm going to refer to her as Slut Y because that's about where we are on the alphabet. Kitt has slept with way more women than that, but I've not had to endure all of them.
Turning my head, I make sure I can't see them at all.
It's fine. You'll be fine. You've been through this many times. You're a seasoned pro.
But just because I've done this time and time again doesn't mean it hurts any less. As soon as I'm over him, the better. He makes me feel weak, and I hate that so much. My dad brought me up to take on the world while giving it the middle finger, and one guy can bring me down.
What the hell is up with that?
Cooper kicks his feet up onto the coffee table and grabs a handful of chocolates. He lies back and shoves them in his face, having no idea about my inner struggle, not that he would.
I've not exactly told anyone about how much I like Kitt.
Except for Peyton. I miss her now more than ever.
Behind me, Slut Y laughs.
Because I can't see them, I'm imagining what's happening, and I don't know what's worse.
Just keep smiling, and keep breathing. You'll be out of here before you know it.
I need to put some distance between me and Kitt because this isn't healthy for either of us. I constantly feel like my stomach is in knots, and I'm exhausted--physically, mentally and emotionally.
If I could have any wish right now, I'd wish to be completely over Kitt.
Actually, that's a lie. It would be for him to want me as much as I want him.
This. Sucks.
Filthy Sound is called out. They won't need luck. The show will. Cooper is kind of a loose cannon, and when they're all together, they're not easy to control.
"Don't swear, Coop!" I remind him.
"Don't try to change me, baby!" he shouts over his shoulder, raising his arm in the air.
Kitt swings his arm out and slaps his stomach. Then, the door closes behind them, and I breathe a sigh of relief.
I'm left with Ted, Slut Y, and her security team. I have Ted with me, and she has five bodyguards. Five.
How incompetent are the first four?
Whatever. It doesn't bother me.
"Are you enjoying the tour, Texas?" she asks.
Perfect. She knows who I am.
"Yep. Congrats on the movie, by the way."
It's recently been announced that she's a lead in something I no longer want to see.
"Thank you," she replies.
Ugh, she's even sincere. Why can't she be bitchy, so I can hate her?
Oh God, I'm the bitchy one.
Fuck you, Kitt Daniels.
She's not doing anything wrong. She doesn't know what's been happening between me and Kitt.
I put on a smile and engage in conversation. "So, are you coming to one of the shows?"
"I think I might have to now!"
Slut.
"Yeah, that'd be great. I'm sure the guys will love to see you there."
Kitt will. Obviously. Because he's incapable of keeping it in his pants, and he sleeps with everyone who isn't me.
She flicks her shiny rusty-red hair over her shoulder. "I hope so. There any gossip you can tell me about him?"
Herpes. That's all you've got to say to make this problem go away.
"Well..." I pause, weighing up my options. "Um..."
She purses her lips as she waits. Lips that will be on Kitt later.
"He has herpes."
All right, I never claimed the high road was for me.
Her mouth pops open, making a gross smacking sound.
Oh, shit, I can't actually do this. Kitt does not need that rumour floating around.
I make myself laugh. "I'm kidding!"
"Oh God! I thought you were serious. I should've known. You've got quite the rep for being funny and playing jokes."
Hurry up, guys, I want to leave.
Standing up, I give her a fleeting smile. "I need the bathroom. Please excuse me."
"Of course." She turns to talk to one of her security guys, who looks like Johnny Bravo with his massive blond quiff.
As soon as I'm in the corridor, Ted is right beside me, watching me as I walk. I really hope he bumps into something.
"If you keep staring at me like that, I'm going to fire you."
"You can't fire me. You didn't hire me."
I grit my teeth. "I fixed it, Teddy. You saw that, too, right?"
"Oh, I saw it all."
"I hate you."
"I'll be right outside."
Gripping the door, I turn to him. "Oh, don't worry. I'm never coming out again."
I hear him laugh as I go inside the bathroom. Wanker. This isn't funny.
Nothing about me and Kitt seems very funny anymore. I miss that.
After the interview, which I hid in the bathroom for most of, we head back to the hotel to prepare for the show tonight, which will involve beer and food. For me, it's going to be drinking my body weight in alcohol, so I won't think about Kitt or what he and Miss Movie Star Slut Y will be up to later.
If there weren't something wrong with me, some part that must like getting hurt, I'd leave and go home. It would be much easier. But I need to be around him.
My God, you are so screwed up.
Even though I know he's going to be shagging
someone else tonight, I still won't bloody leave. That's not right. Maybe I should put an SOS call in to Peyton. She'll have me on the next flight out of Paris.
We go our separate ways when we're back at the hotel, and I dial Pey's number as soon as Ted wiggles the door handle on the other side to make sure it's definitely locked.
I have three male rock stars and a bulky bodyguard who've had a hand in bringing me up. I shouldn't be this bad with Kitt.
How were you raised by four men and still suck with guys?
You're a special kind of fail.
"What have you done now?" Peyton says down the phone.
"Piss off, bitch. I've not even said anything yet!"
She laughs. "You don't need to. You're in close contact with Kitt every day, so something is bound to have gone wrong."
"And you immediately think it's because of me?"
"Well, yeah."
"Why?"
"Because you lurve him and because he..." She stalls, not wanting to hurt my feelings.
Honestly, it's nothing worse than I've had direct from the source a hundred times over.
"Because he doesn't like me in that way," I say.
"Oh my God, Tex, do you want me to go?"
"No. I want you to come here."
"I wish I could. Portugal, I promise."
"Can't wait."
"Are you going to the show tonight?"
I groan. "Yep."
"Are you going to tell me what's happened with him?"
Cage, dry-humping. I don't think so.
"We kissed, and it's a big mistake that should've never happened." Apparently.
"I'm sorry."
"It's fine. Just be prepared to get me shitfaced when you're here."
"Like that wasn't going to happen anyway."
I love her.
"Anyway, do you need more moral support? Only, I'm on set, and I'm fucking tired. If we don't wrap this up, I'm going to kill someone."
"Wow. Go act your little heart out, and I'll speak to you soon."
"Be careful, Tex," she says before the line goes dead.
Her warning is a little late.
Enigma is kicking things off, like, right now, so I run toward the back entrance. I'm bloody late! My dad might well be past it now, but I'm not missing his performance.
I stepped outside for a second because my stupid phone wasn't getting reception, and I had to return Jennifer's call. Turned out to be nothing besides her asking how it was going.
A member of security folds his arms over his bodybuilder-style chest as I approach. I expect him to step aside, but he doesn't.
"Excuse me," I say. "I need to get inside."
"I'm sure you do. Ticket holders need to use the front or side entrance. If you don't have a ticket, you're not getting in."
Well, of course I don't have a bloody ticket. "I'm Texas, Mark Knight's daughter. Can you let me in, please? I really don't want to miss the show."
Whoa, he does not believe me at all. His overgrown eyebrows rise higher than I ever thought possible.
"That's a new one. I'll give you that. Sorry, love."
"What? I'm not making it up. Look, just go get him or anyone else--literally, anyone--and they'll tell you," I say, looking past him into the building.
"I don't know how you got around here, but you need to leave. Now."
"I got around here because our fucking car is right over there," I snap, pointing to the vehicle he can't even see in the dark. "Come on, please. I promised my dad I'd watch, and I want to see him before he goes on."
"Do you think I was born yesterday?"
"Right now, I do, yeah," I reply through gritted teeth. "Why would I make up being Mark's daughter?"
"To get inside."
I sigh sharply. "I'm not lying. I'm with the band."
"Of course you are, darlin'."
Fine, he asked for it.
"Dad!" I scream at the top of my lungs, making the guy jump.
"What the hell are you playing at?" he shouts as he reaches out for me.
I jump back and hold my hand up. "Don't touch me!"
Cooper pops his head around the door, and I want to kiss him.
"Tex, you okay? What the fuck are you doing out there?"
The bouncer's face drops as he realises he's made a mistake. He looks like he's scared for his job. If I were a total bitch, he should be. But I'm not, so I won't say anything.
"Excuse me, please," I say.
He steps aside, muttering an apology.
Cooper slings his arm over my shoulder and kisses the side of my head. "He giving you a hard time?"
"Nah. He just assumed I'm a groupie."
"Anytime you want to give that role a try--"
"I'll speak to Milo."
"Ouch, girl. Why Milo?"
Because saying Kitt would send me paranoid that Cooper might joke about it. I can't handle Kitt knowing how I feel about him. I mean, he probably knows, but it's not been confirmed. I don't want it to be confirmed.
My life is one big fucking picnic.
"Why not Milo?"
Cooper stops and pulls my arm, twisting me around so that he's facing me head-on. "I'm much better-looking, and you know it."
"Better-looking than who?" Kitt asks from behind me.
My breath catches. I was not ready for him.
"Nothing. Good luck out there." I dash off to Ted, who's standing down the hall.
My heart is in my stomach. I can't be around Kitt.
TEXAS
SATURDAY, MAY 9
PARIS, FRANCE
I love the part of the after-party when my dad fucks off. It only ever happens if Kitt, Milo, and Cooper are with me because, without them, I would obviously be murdered or whatever other scenarios my dad stresses over.
It only took five shots to get me drunk. Or was it six? Whatever. I had shots, and I'm buzzing. The atmosphere is awesome, and everyone is being friendly. And, so far, there has been no drama. I think it helps that the only sober people are security and staff.
I'm at the bar with Kitt, Milo, and Jessica LaRoux, who I'm kind of fangirling over because she's a mega awesome actress and she has kissed many beautiful leading men. I want to quiz her on them, but you should always be able to relax at an after-party, not have more crazies hounding you.
She's probably going to be sleeping with Milo tonight because there have been many, many looks between them. And his hands have been on her all night.
"So, you want to dance, handsome?" she asks Milo, tilting her head to the side in a sexy and seductive way.
Smirking, he hands Kitt his drink and backs Jessica up to the dance floor.
Kitt necks Milo's whiskey and slams the empty on the side just as Cooper storms over to us.
"Uh-oh," I mutter.
He looks pissed off and frustrated.
"What happened?" Kitt asks.
"I've just had boring sex." He scowls.
"Maybe you're losing your mojo," I tease.
His baby-blue eyes instantly darken, and if I wasn't a girl, I think I would've been floored by now. Beside me, Kitt laughs.
"That is not it, and if you're going to say shit like that, I'm going to take you over the bar to prove you wrong."
I shrug. "No, thanks. I don't like boring sex."
"Kitt, sort her out."
Kitt shakes his head.
Coop's eyes narrow. "Why not?"
"Funny."
I grin and raise my eyebrows. "See? He's on my side. Why was this last girl boring then? She just lie there, like a sack of potatoes?"
"Not exactly. Just didn't feel right."
"You had it in the right hole, yeah?" Kitt asks.
"Fuck off," Coop replies. "She was...you know..."
"A man?" I say.
"You two are dicks!"
"Ah, come on. What was wrong with her?" Kitt asks.
"I'm not one to be rude about people's bits and pieces, but she was big down there, like no-point-in-doing-it big. Seriously, it was
like chucking a sausage down a tunnel."
Kitt laughs, but I do not.
What the fuck is wrong with Cooper?
"Jesus! I have the worst mental image," I groan. "You're a terrible person, Coop."
"You both asked me what was wrong with her."
"And aren't we regretting that?" Kitt probably isn't actually. He's still laughing.
They're going straight to hell.
"How do you know it's her and not you? You might be tiny," I say.
I know he isn't, and I don't mean that I've been there, but almost everyone has seen Cooper's penis. He's not at all shy.
"You're cute, Tex."
"You're a pig, Coop."
"Who's your conquest for the evening?" he asks, ignoring my gibe.
"Yeah, I'm not like you guys."
"Ah, come on. I've pulled already. It looks like Milo is about to, and Kitt likes the blonde in the red dress. What about you?"
Kitt likes some slut in a red dress?
Gritting my teeth, I look around the room, pretending I'm not affected by Kitt's perving over someone who is not me. "Not sure yet."
"You're not playing, Tex," Kitt says.
He sounds very authoritative, and it's bloody annoying. How dare he try to dictate what I can and cannot do, like my dad does. I know Dad told them to look out for me, but this is ridiculous.
Unless he likes you...
Nope. Don't go there. It always backfires.
When we shared those kisses, the cage, every look, and every near miss, I thought something might come of it. I can't keep giving a piece of myself to him, only to have it thrown back.
"I think I'll do whatever I damn please. Thank you very much. Who isn't a dickhead in here, Cooper?"
Throwing his arm around my shoulders, he scans the room. "Well...I don't know many of them. Or I do, and I was drunk the last time." He flashes a smile. His liver is probably shrivelled. "I think Isaiah is pretty down though."
"Hmm," I murmur, looking Isaiah over. "He's gorgeous."
"Cooper, what are you doing? Mark will have your balls if you introduce her to--"
"Funny enough, Kitt, I hadn't planned on telling him," he replies.
"You need to stop. I'm not a fucking kid, and if I want to see someone, I will," I snap.
Who the bloody hell does he think he is?
Kitt holds his hands up and turns around. I instantly regret what I said, which pisses me off even more.
Forcing myself to look away, I say to Cooper, "Introduce me."
I don't really want to do this, but maybe meeting someone new is what I need to finally get over Kitt. To be fair, I'd be bloody over the moon just to stop thinking of him constantly.
We are never going to happen, and I have to accept that.
You can't accept that because you're so in love with him that you'd rather have your heart pummelled than walk away. You. Need. To. Seek. Help.