(What they don’t realize is that, due to the conditions under which Bacardi’s transmission was sent, the coordinates were scrambled. The Fakefinders are heading into the New Mexican desert, to be sure—but are aiming for a patch of empty land thirty miles west of the actual soundstage.)
It is also imperative to note that no legitimate authorities have been contacted. Viewers of the show are torn, believing that either a) the cast is in trouble but DV8 has the situation completely under control, or b) the cast is still participating in a television production, this has all been part of the plan, and, boy, is it entertaining.
* * *
Item: Transcript of video recording—RAW, UNAIRED FOOTAGE
Source: Camera #3—Lünar Lounge
Time: 11:52 p.m.
[Everyone (minus Titania) has migrated to the lounge. Toes are tapping, nails are being bitten, sweat is flowing. Cabin fever has set in hard and is nearing a breaking point.]
Bacardi: It’s gotta be past midnight. Maybe later.
Snout: Why won’t they turn the lights out?
Nico: Like we’d be able to sleep if they did.
Louise: Maybe it’s because—
Clayton: No. Do not speak, Louise. Your delusions are the last thing we need right now.
Bacardi: Actually, the last thing we need right now is a venomous lizard loose in the ship. But that’s what we’ve got.
Snout: It’s dangerous for Titania to be in that closet alone—the Gila monster could find its way in. Why isn’t she out here with us?
Nico: I don’t know. [glares at Clayton] Do you?
Clayton: [innocently] Your guess is as good as mine.
Nico: [taking a step toward the glass] Is it?
Snout: [pulling him back] Maybe you should go check on her again.
Nico: Yeah. Okay.
Source: Camera #7—Confessional Closet
[It’s difficult to assess Titania’s mental state at this juncture; she appears to be vacillating rapidly between alertness and hysteria.]
Titania: Keep moving, keep exploring. That’s why I made the canoe. That’s why I came on this show. I had to move forward.
I’ve tried to make it up to you.
I’ve tried to fix things that can’t be fixed.
I’ve tried to make you look at me the way you used to: like a daughter. Instead of the daughter that killed your other daughter.
I’ve tried to forgive myself.
I’ve tried to move on.
But I’ve failed. On all accounts, I’ve failed.
That’s why I came onto this show.
I know you can’t stand the sight of me, and I know you’ll never forgive me.
I don’t want you to. I don’t expect you to.
So I removed myself from the equation.
But this isn’t what I expected. I’m more trapped than I ever was.
I failed again.
[She balls her hands into fists and begins to pound on the walls.]
I just wanted a new place.
[pound]
I just wanted to go somewhere quiet.
[pound]
I just—
[She stops. Looks at the panel that her left hand was thumping. Sticks her fingers into the crevices between the panels—and lifts.]
[There is a knock on the door.]
Nico: [muffled voice outside] Titania? Please let me in.
[Distracted, she unlocks the door. Nico steps in.]
Nico: Finally. What—[He stops short, seeing her bent over the wall.] What are you doing?
[Titania turns around to face him, revealing the satellite phone in her hand.]
Titania: [with disbelief] This was in the wall.
Nico: Oh my God. [His eyes bulge.] You think it’s what caused the interference Bacardi was noticing?
Titania: I don’t—
[The phone’s display lights up; it’s ringing.]
Nico: Whoa.
Titania: What do I do?
Nico: Answer it!
[She pushes a button and holds the phone between their ears.]
Titania: Hello?
[The voice on the other end is loud and clear.]
Jamarkus: Titania? It’s Jamarkus. Put me on speaker.
[Though flustered, she does.]
Titania: Jamarkus, where are you?
Nico: And how did you know about this phone?
Titania: And what—
Jamarkus: I’m calling to warn you. In about ten minutes, a SWAT team and I are going to raid the ship. You need to—
Chazz: [in background] What are you doing over there, Jamarkus?
[Muffled noise, then nothing.]
Item: Transcript of video recording—RAW, UNAIRED FOOTAGE
Source: DV8 remote film crew
Time: 11:58 p.m.
[DV8’s camera is haphazardly pointed at Jamarkus, standing in a patch of desert brush. The image is unfocused; the film crew hasn’t begun to shoot in earnest, but the camera is recording. Audio is recording as well. Chazz is offscreen.]
Chazz: What are you doing over there, Jamarkus?
[Jamarkus covers the phone with his hand.]
Jamarkus: Adjusting my helmet cam.
Chazz: We’re done setting up. You ready to go?
Jamarkus: Yep, just about.
[Jamarkus keeps his eyes fixed on Chazz while surreptitiously slipping the phone up his sleeve, leaving enough room for the mouthpiece end to stick out.]
Source: Camera #7—Confessional Closet
[Jamarkus is no longer speaking directly to them, but he hasn’t ended the call. Nico and Titania are still huddled around the satellite phone, listening in.]
Chazz: [on the phone] SWAT team, are we good to go?
Jamarkus: [on the phone] Yep.
Chazz: [on the phone] Crew, good to go?
DV8 Producer: [on the phone] Yep.
Chazz: [on the phone] Control room, good to go?
[Pause. They are likely confirming via an earpiece.]
Chazz: [on the phone] Good. Everyone’s accounted for. We’re going live in one minute to coincide with the start of The Perky Paisley Show, so be ready.
[Ambient noise follows, with no more clear voices—but the call persists. Nico starts to leave the closet.]
Nico: We have to let the others hear this.
Titania: No. Wait. Stay for a few more seconds.
Nico: Why?
Titania: Because SWAT team. SWAT teams have guns.
Nico: What are you talking about? This is a good thing! They’re coming to get us!
Titania: Chazz is coming to get us. Has that man done or said a single thing to us that wasn’t a lie, a misdirection, or some twisted, wrong version of the truth? He can call this a “rescue operation” all he wants. But that’s not what it’s going to turn into.
Nico: Yeah, but even Chazz Young isn’t evil enough to shoot a bunch of innocent kids, is he?
[Titania raises an eyebrow.]
Nico: You don’t really think this is it, do you?
[Titania chooses her next words carefully.]
Titania: If it is, I want you to know that you mattered to me. Through all of this. I didn’t come here to make friends, or throw anyone under the bus, or go big, or go home—but I did make a friend, and it was you.
[Note: This excerpt is taken from footage recorded at a later date.]
Item: Transcript of video recording
Source: Nico’s camera
Battery charge: 100%
Date: March 1, 2016
Nico: I grabbed her hand just then. I couldn’t help it. Not in an I-love-you way—though I probably did love her—but in a you-are-not-alone way. A we-are-both-alive-at-the-same-time-and-here-is-the-proof way.
Item: Transcript of video recording—RAW, UNAIRED FOOTAGE
Source: Camera #7—Confessional Closet
Date: February 19, 2016
Time: 11:59 p.m.
[Chazz’s voice comes through clear on the satellite phone again.]
Chazz: [on the phone] Ten seconds, people. Places.
[Nico heads out the door.]
Nico: Come on.
Titania: Right behind you.
* * *
Item: Transcript of video broadcast
Source: DV8 Breaking News—aired live on DV8, DV8.com, and the DV8 app
Date: February 20, 2016
Time: 12:00 midnight
[ON-AIR GRAPHIC: DV8 Breaking news]
[IMAGE: Chazz is standing somewhere outdoors. Darkness has fallen; a harsh spotlight is aimed at his face, making his hair practically fluorescent. It is not plainly apparent that he is in the desert, and nothing can be seen behind him but more darkness. As far as viewers know, he could be anywhere.]
Chazz: And we are live, America! Apologies to those of you tuning in for The Perky Paisley Show—we’ll throw over to her if we have time left, but for right now I’m thrilled to report an electrifying new development in the Waste of Space saga. Here’s the situation: Our specially trained Space SWAT Team—led by fan favorite Jamarkus!—just blasted off from our classified launch site as part of a daring rescue mission. In eight and a half minutes this elite squadron of galactic specialists will reach orbiting altitude, dock with the Laika, and liberate our intrepit explorers from whatever undoubtedly harrowing situation their journey has become. Join us right now for a very special Breaking News Edition of Waste of Space, brought to you by Soupernova Soups, as we make history once again. See you in eight and a half minutes! Catchphrase forever!
* * *
Item: Transcript of video recording—RAW, UNAIRED FOOTAGE
Source: Camera #3—Lünar Lounge
Time: 12:01 a.m.
[Bacardi, Snout, Louise, and Clayton huddle around the bullet hole in the glass while Nico holds up the satellite phone for everyone to listen, as Jamarkus has kept the line open.]
Chazz: [on the phone] Annnnd . . . we’re out. All right, attention, everyone! We’ve been staying out of the soundstage’s range in case NASAW tries to pick up on our signals, but the time has come to move in. Once we’re close enough, we might even be able to establish an uplink with the cameras inside the ship so we can see what’s happening in real time. Just to be safe, though, we are going dark until it’s officially go time—in exactly eight minutes, when I give the signal to storm the building. Radio silence starts . . . now!
Jamarkus: [whispering into the phone] I’ll do my best to keep you safe. Good luck.
[The connection is severed. The kids look at one another, incredulous.]
Bacardi: Storm the building? That sounds bad.
Clayton: Who cares? They’re coming! Finally this waking nightmare will come to the bitter end it deserves!
Louise: But we’re not done here yet!
Clayton: Oh yes we are. Didn’t you hear him? He said building.
[Louise puts her hands over her ears.]
Louise: No. No, he didn’t.
Clayton: And soundstage.
Louise: [shaking her head] No, no . . .
Clayton: Which means we’re on Earth.
Louise: [hands over her ears] No! It’s not time! It’s not fair! [She flees the room.]
Source: Camera #8—Bedroom
[Louise storms into the bedroom. She reaches under her blanket and pulls out her backpack, along with the item she’s been using her flashlight to tinker with all along.]
Louise: [whispering to herself] They’re ruining everything. [She leaves the bedroom.]
Source: Camera #3—Lünar Lounge
[Louise enters the Lünar Lounge.]
Louise: Look, guys, I’ve tried to be patient. I’ve tried to be nice. But certain events have forced my hand.
[She presents a bulky, plastic-looking green device with a digital clock display, several colored wires, and a triangular antenna sticking out of it.]
Nico: What’s that?
Louise: An FTL drive. I made it.
Clayton: Looks like Nerf made it.
Louise: Shut up!
[She hits a button on the device. It begins to emit a steady beep, its antenna swiveling merrily as the digital display counts up.]
Snout: What are you doing?
Louise: I’ve set our coordinates for the Interstellar Venture V. In exactly five minutes, this bad boy will finish charging and blast us across millions of light-years into the ninety-seventh quadrant, where I will finally prove my worth to Lord Balway Galway by hand-delivering him five Earth-human slaves!
[They gawk at her.]
Nico: Um. What?
Louise: Nine would have been better. My plan to jam the I QUIT™ button was working perfectly until those stupid eliminations kicked in. [She tosses her hair.] No matter. I think he’ll still be happy with just you five.
Clayton: As usual, Louise, you are positively overflowing with—
Louise: Shut up! [grinning] It’s already charging. Ten percent. Won’t be long now. Once we reach our destination, the Venture will dock with our ship. They’ll override the airlock, I’ll escape, and then, as my first act as chief plasma deck engineer in service of Lord Balway Galway, I’ll turn you awful people into a beautiful gift of captivity!
Clayton: Well, she cracked. For real this time.
[Louise’s grin widens.]
Louise: Thirty percent.
* * *
Item: Transcript of video recording
Source: Dashboard camera, removed from DV8 company van, now in Dr. Emmy’s car
Time: 12:03 p.m.
[IMAGE: Night. Headlights on the road. Camera picks up audio of conversation in car.]
Dr. Emmy: Is it recording?
Matt: I think so.
Dr. Emmy: Does any of this landscape look familiar?
Matt: Yeah, it does.
Dr. Emmy: Good. Then we’re on the right track.
Matt: But promise you won’t, like, abandon us there or anything. We already escaped once, I don’t want to have to do it again.
Dr. Emmy: I won’t. Please take your feet off my dashboard.
Matt: Sorry.
Dr. Emmy: You all right back there, Kaoru?
Kaoru: {I feel as though I have been driving through the desert for weeks.}
Dr. Emmy: Good. Shouldn’t be long now. The building should be right about . . .
[A hush descends.]
Matt: Oh God. Why are there so many people?
Kaoru: {I see Chazz Young’s frosted tips.}
Matt: There’s a camera crew and—oh God, a SWAT team! They have guns!
Dr. Emmy: Oh my goodness.
Matt: We have to go stop them!
Dr. Emmy: I—I don’t think that’s a good idea. Statistically speaking, adding ourselves to the mix will only increase the likelihood of fatalities.
Matt: But our friends are in there! Innocent kids! We have to do something!
Kaoru: {Maybe we should call the police.}
Dr. Emmy: Let me park around back, near those shrubs. It’s not much cover, but it’ll have to do. Then I’ll . . . I’ll sneak around the front. You kids stay in the car.
Matt: Are you sure? You shouldn’t have to go in on your own.
Dr. Emmy: I am the adult here. And I am somewhat responsible for you kids. So yes, it has to be me.
Kaoru: {It seems the police are not being called.}
* * *
Item: Transcript of video recording—RAW, UNAIRED FOOTAGE
Source: Camera #7—Confessional Closet
Time: 12:05 a.m.
[Titania sinks down onto the leather stool, defeated. The look she gives the camera is the haunted, desperate look of someone who knows they’ve lost, the fire all but gone from her eyes.]
Titania: They’re coming.
It’s over.
Dammit—
BOOM
[The same noise that sounded the day before reverberates through the ship.
Titania stands up.
The fire is back.]
* * *
Item: Transcript of video recording—RAW, UNA
IRED FOOTAGE
Source: Jamarkus’s helmet camera
Time: 12:06 a.m.
[IMAGE: The shot jolts with Jamarkus’s footsteps as he walks toward the soundstage.]
Jamarkus: Whoa. Did you guys hear that?
Chazz: [on Jamarkus’s radio] Don’t worry about it. Proceed as normal. Do we have eyes inside the ship yet?
DV8 Producer: [on radio] Yes, uplink to Camera #3 confirmed—that’s all we’ve been able to get so far.
Chazz: [on radio] Fine. It’ll have to do.
DV8 Producer: [on radio] Uh, Chazz? Louise is threatening everyone with a . . . a toy or something.
Chazz: [on radio] Her personal item? It’s a hunk of plastic. The girl’s nuts. That’s why we cast her.
DV8 Producer: [on radio] So should we . . .
Chazz: [on radio] Proceed as normal.
[IMAGE: The large steel door of Soundstage G-96. A battering ram swings into the lower part of the frame, building momentum.]
Jamarkus: Is the camera working, Chazz?
Chazz: [on radio] Yes, I can see everything you see.
Jamarkus: Then we’re ready to move in.
Chazz: [on radio] Excellent. On my signal.
[pause]
Chazz: [on radio] Go!
[The battering ram makes contact with the door and dents it substantially. With a few more blows, the door buckles. The shot bounces and jolts as the SWAT team moves into the soundstage.]
Jamarkus: Everyone freeze!
[Half a dozen NASAW scientists are gathered around computers set up along the walls. They appear to be mid-celebration, judging by their jubilant expressions—which slide right off their faces the second they see the SWAT team. Wide-eyed, they put their hands in the air.]
Chazz: [on radio] SWAT team, secure them!
Jamarkus: SWAT team, secure them!
[Jamarkus’s helmet camera sweeps around the soundstage, capturing the action as the SWAT team members fan out and restrain the NASAW scientists. Pushed off to an unused corner is the staging-room set, in which the Spacetronauts first got into their spacesuits, plus the remains of a disassembled steel contraption with parts from an airplane cabin.