It was surprisingly soothing to have Sebastian sitting there while I worked. I wrote steadily for some time, sipping at the thin coffee that had been brought to my table, becoming more and more absorbed in describing life on a military Base, with its odd mixture of discipline and play, rules and separation that marked us out as different from the world beyond the walls. It made me realize how much I’d come to rely on that sense of orderliness, togetherness, of family, even. I’d felt so alien in this world for so long, I hadn’t even noticed my slow absorption into this isolated, alternative way of life. I wondered if I’d miss it once I’d left. I didn’t think so, but for so long it was all I’d known. Now, at last, Sebastian was offering me something different.
I looked at my wristwatch, astonished that it was already after 5 PM. I had to get home – and face David. Twelve more weeks of feeling like this, I didn’t know how I’d manage. And I’d be without the warmth of Sebastian’s body beside me tonight. That thought alone made me feel bereft.
I looked up to see him watching me, a small frown creasing his forehead. I smiled quickly and subtly tapped my watch. The corners of his lips turned down and he nodded fractionally.
With a sigh, I packed up my notebook and laptop, and left him behind.
At 6 PM I heard David’s car pull up. I made sure that his dinner, reheated lasagna and salad, was ready.
As he walked in, I fixed a smile to my face and pulled his steaming plate out of the microwave and placed it on the table next to the salad bowl.
But he didn’t look at the food – he looked right at me, his face stiff and angry, sitting bolt upright at the table.
“Have you got something to tell me, Caroline?”
I’m sure my face was drained of color, because I suddenly felt very faint. I tried to speak but the words wouldn’t come out.
“Well?”
“I…”
“I saw Dr Ravel today,” he snarled at me, “who reported to me that you missed your appointment!”
I felt a sudden desire to laugh. Was that all that was bothering him.
“That’s right,” I said, feeling brave now that I was sure it was nothing to do with Sebastian.
“Would you like to explain that?” he hissed.
“I felt no need for an appointment, David. You made it without consulting me. If you had, I would have reminded you that I had a Pap smear six months ago and that there were no problems. And I certainly am not experiencing an early menopause – I’m quite sure of that.”
Silence filled the room and our eyes locked.
“And what the hell is Dr Ravel doing discussing me – her patient – with you? Hasn’t she heard of HIPPA?”
“If it’s not physical, it must be psychological,” he said, coolly ignoring my comment. “I’ll arrange for you to see the Base psychiatrist and…”
“No, you won’t, David,” I replied, trying to match his sanguine tone, but with little luck. “I am not seeing a shrink; there’s nothing wrong with me.”
“Then why are you sleeping in the spare room?” he yelled, all attempt at control gone. “That is going to stop tonight. I want you back in my bed where you belong!”
“No!” I yelled back. “I fucking well won’t!”
David’s face was comically shocked. “Yes, you will,” he said, with far less force.
I stared back at him and folded my hands across my waist.
“No.”
We glared at each other across the kitchen table.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he shouted suddenly, making me jump.
Adrenaline and mounting anger sharpened my tone.
“Nothing! There’s nothing wrong with me! I wash your fucking clothes, I iron your fucking pants, I cook, I clean, I…”
“That’s your job! That’s what you’re here to do!”
“I’m NOT a fucking servant!”
“You’re being hysterical, Caroline, I think…”
“I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think, David! I’m tired of you bullying me, putting me down, patronizing me, treating me like some sort of simpleton. I was supposed to be a partner in this relationship – that’s what I signed up for. Not this!”
“You’re acting like a child, Caroline.”
“Then stop fucking treating me like one! I’m thirty fucking years old!”
“And please stop using that vile language.”
“Aaaaaaaagh!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. For a moment he actually looked scared.
Then he stood up abruptly and forcefully shoved the lasagna and salad away from him. The plate slid right across the kitchen table and crashed to the floor, sending a shower of steaming hot sauce and scalding vegetables over my bare feet and legs.
I cried out and jumped back, trying to scrub off the burning food.
“You bastard,” I screamed at him. “You fucking bastard!”
He looked shocked.
“Caroline… I… I didn’t mean for that to… are you hurt?”
I ran to the sink, trying to splash cold water over my burning legs and feet.
“Caroline!”
Tears sprang to my eyes and my voice was shrill.
“Go away, David. Leave me alone.”
Instead, he hovered guiltily while I cleaned myself up in silence. The hot food had left blotchy, red burn marks down my thighs and shins and across the front of my feet. I thought I’d got the hot sauce off quickly enough to prevent any blistering or real damage.
David watched me helplessly. It was clear he hadn’t a clue what to say or do. Just as long as he didn’t try to touch me: if he did, I wouldn’t be responsible for my actions. The great doctor didn’t even offer to get the First Aid kit.
Carefully, I rubbed large dollops of antiseptic cream over my legs and, without a single glance in his direction, I left the room. The pool of lasagna was still spread out over the floor like a crime scene.
I walked upstairs stiffly and lay down on the bed in my room. I wanted to curl into a tight ball but my skin was too tender to stretch like that. Instead I lay on my back and stared at the ceiling. David had never ever hurt me before – not physically. I knew it was an accident but the hate I felt for him at that moment raged through me. All the years of being belittled and bullied, all the times he’d made feel stupid and inadequate, it all came boiling up inside.
The fury I’d felt when Brenda had flirted too openly with Sebastian was nothing, an insignificant annoyance, compared to the way I felt now.
I was glad I was having an affair behind his back. I was glad I’d taken a younger man into his bed. I was delighted thinking of the humiliation he’d suffer when he finally knew the truth. I wanted to yell it into his face and watch his whole fucking world fall apart.
Even after I heard the front door slam and his car screech out of the driveway, I continued to imagine the fierce joy I’d feel when I finally told him what a pathetic little man he truly was.
I lay on the bed as the house sank into darkness. Outside I could hear the small sounds of the day’s end, people’s lives continuing down the same, certain paths. I’d been like that once: moving from hour to hour, sleepwalking down a road that had been chosen for me – not awake, not aware.
It was all ashes and dust.
I must have fallen asleep because when my cellphone buzzed with a text message, I jerked awake. I struggled to sit up, wondering why I felt so sore and then the memories came flying back like locusts. The skin on my legs felt raw, or rather, the hot tightness of bad sunburn. I was astonished to find that my face was wet: I didn’t know it was possible to cry in your sleep. It wasn’t from the pain – at least, not the physical pain.
I turned on my side to reach the bedside light. The little alarm clock told me it was after 11 PM; I’d been asleep for nearly four hours.
I expected the text to be from Sebastian and it was – but not the goodnight message I’d anticipated.
* Am outside. Is he there?
There’s no car?
/> Can I c u? *
I leapt out of bed and immediately regretted moving so quickly. Even in the weak pool of light from the little lamp, my legs looked horrible. I needed to find something to cover them up. I found an old hippy skirt at the back of the closet. It was dated and faintly ridiculous, but it was the only fabric I could tolerate right now. Best of all, it was floor length.
Moving carefully, I made my way down to the kitchen. I stared in disgust at the vomit-like pool of cold lasagna on the tiled floor. That bastard hadn’t even tried to clear it away. I hesitated, thinking I should clean up before I let Sebastian in: he’d only ask questions which I wanted to avoid. But it was too late; he’d seen my silhouette as soon as I’d walked in the kitchen and I could see his shadow rocking impatiently on the balls of his feet.
His smile vanished as soon as he saw my face. My attempt to fool him for even a second had obviously been in vain.
“Caro, what’s wrong?”
I just shook my head and he pulled me into a tight hug. His jeans pushed against my legs, rubbing my skirt fabric against my burns. I winced and he felt me shudder.
“What’s the matter? Did something happen? Tell me!”
I sighed into his chest.
“David and I had a fight,” I said.
He froze as soon as I’d said the words.
“He knows?”
I shook my head slowly. “No. It was nothing to do with you: just a stupid fight.”
He breathed a sigh of something like relief.
“What was it about then?”
He wasn’t going to let this one go.
“He was pissed because I refused to sleep with him – I mean, sleep in his bed, not... I told him I’d be staying in the guest room.”
“That asshole! Fuck, Caro! I really want to…”
He didn’t finish the sentence but it didn’t take a genius to figure out what he was thinking.
“Has he… gone out?”
I nodded. “Yes, he’s been gone a while. I’ve no idea when… or if, he’ll be back.”
“Can I come in for a bit?”
His voice was hopeful.
“Okay, for a bit.”
He frowned at my unenthusiastic reply. I was so tired and wrung out, I couldn’t handle a jealous and angry Sebastian right now.
He halted in his tracks when he saw the mess on the floor.
“Did he do that?”
I nodded silently and fetched a cloth to start clearing it up.
Without speaking Sebastian took the rag from me. I was too weary to argue even though I wanted to. It was just all wrong to have my lover clear up the mess my husband had made in our kitchen over a fight about the matrimonial bed. My brain was tied in knots just trying to keep all the pieces in the right place. Somehow everything had gotten so mixed up and confused.
Finally, the floor was clean and the remains of David’s dinner had been dumped in the trash can. Sebastian washed his hands and dried them on the back of his pants.
He sat down at the table and put his arm around me. I leaned my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes. He wrapped his other arm around my waist and pulled me to his chest, just holding me. Every now and then I felt his light kisses in my hair.
His kindness was the thing that broke me and tears began to slide down my cheeks.
“Don’t cry, Caro,” he said softly, his voice aching with sadness. “Don’t cry, baby.”
He repositioned one arm under my knees and gently lifted me up. I whimpered once from the pain, then bit my lip to stifle any more sounds.
Slowly and carefully, he carried me up the stairs and laid me down on my bed, placing his body alongside mine.
We lay together as I sobbed quietly. We didn’t speak.
When my tears finally dried, he kissed me on the cheek.
“Come on, let’s get you undressed.”
His hands rose to my waistband but I pushed them roughly away.
“No, don’t!”
He looked hurt. “I wasn’t going to do anything, Caro. You’re exhausted. You need to get some rest. Come on, let me help you.”
I tried to push him away, but my body felt like I weighed a thousand pounds, and he’d pulled up the hem of my skirt before I could stop him.
I heard his gasp and then he swore.
“What the fuck, Caro? What happened? Did… did he…?”
“It was an accident,” I said tiredly. “He didn’t mean to.”
Sebastian was furious, as I knew he would be. I could see cords of tension on his neck, his eyes were blazing with fury.
“That asshole!”
He bounced off the bed and balled his fists as if he wanted to hit something – or someone. He was trying to rein in his temper, but he wasn’t having much luck with that. Then he saw my face, fresh tears breaking out.
“Shit, I should take you to a doctor!”
I shook my head slowly. “I’m okay. They’re just… mild burns… from the pasta sauce. I’m okay.”
“You should fucking report this! You can’t let him get away with doing this to you!”
“It was an accident,” I repeated quietly. “Please, Sebastian, just drop it.”
“Drop it?!” he shouted. “Look what that sack of shit has done to you! Fuck, Caro!”
I put my hands over my ears and squeezed my eyes tight shut, trying to stop the new tears from leaking out. His rant stopped in midstream.
“Oh God, Caro.”
I felt the mattress tremble and he lay back down on the bed and hugged me to him. That was all I needed: his arms around me.
After a long while it was Sebastian who broke the silence.
“What do you want to do?”
His voice was soft, unnamed emotions making his tone raw.
“I don’t know.”
“You can’t stay here anymore, Caro. You know that, right?”
I let my breath out in a long sigh.
“I don’t have anywhere to go.”
“Maybe Mitch and Shirley? They’d help, I know they would.”
I shook my head slowly. “I’m not taking my troubles to their door.” I sighed. “I’m still… in an illegal relationship with a minor – I wouldn’t do that to them.”
He didn’t argue so I knew he’d taken my words seriously.
“What about your mom’s? I know you’re not close, but…”
“No. She practically kicked me out when I was 19,” I said bitterly. “Why do you think I married David so quickly?”
He was silent for a moment but I felt his body tense; he did that every time I so much as mentioned David’s name. Some sort of primal response, I guessed.
“What about friends back east?”
“Same problem,” I whispered. “I’d be involving them in… well, you know.”
He hugged me closer and I could feel his warm breath on my neck.
“There’s a women’s shelter near Park West… I… I heard mom mention it once. Maybe…”
“I can’t because…” My whispered words shuddered to a halt.
“Because of me.”
His voice was bitter.
“You can’t go to any of the places that would help you… because of me.”
I knew why he thought that, why he would say that, but I couldn’t let him blame himself.
“It’s not your fault, Sebastian,” I said gently, stroking his arm. “You’re the one good thing I’ve got in my life. I wouldn’t change that for anything. Not for anything. I finally feel… alive.”
I heard him gasp and he pulled me closer.
“I feel the same, Caro. You’ve taught me everything I know.”
I blinked in surprise.
“You have. You’ve taught me who I can be, you’ve made me stronger. You make me want to see the magic in the world. I didn’t know falling in love could be… like this.”
Was that really how he felt? Is that how he saw me: someone who could make him stronger? How did that happen? I was so weak and cowardly. But,
and I felt a small flowering of hope inside me, I had changed, hadn’t I. I was getting stronger: not yet strong, but getting there.
It felt as if he’d been the one to teach me. Perhaps we had learned together.
He held me carefully, making sure his legs didn’t accidentally brush against mine.
“I don’t know what to do,” he said softly. “I want to be with you so badly, but you just end up getting hurt every time I come near you. Why is it so hard for us to be together? It’s so fucking unfair!”
“I know, tesoro.”
He was so hurt and confused and there was so little I could do to help either of us.
I let out a long sigh.
“I think you’d better go now.”
“No!” he gasped. “No way!” He raised his voice. “I’m not leaving you alone with that asshole!”
“I can’t fight with you, too, Sebastian,” I whispered. “I don’t have the strength.”
“No! I didn’t… what if he… I can’t leave you here alone!” he said desperately.
I turned carefully to look at him.
“This isn’t something you can fix, Sebastian. I’m the one who’s screwed up; I have to fix it. But you’re right about one thing – I can’t stay here.” I took a deep breath. “There are lots of empty rooms around the university now all the students are on vacation. I’ll check out the listings for people wanting roommates. There are places for less than $500 a month. I can manage that.”
I didn’t tell Sebastian I had no idea how I’d afford to eat and put gas in my car at the same time.
“And there’s a Motel 6 up by San Ysidro that’s only $50 a night. That can be my last resort, if necessary.”
Sebastian’s face was grim. “I have nearly $700. That’ll buy another month, food and gas.”
Maybe he could read my mind.
I stroked his cheek. “I can’t take your money.”
“Yes, you can! I want you to, please, Caro. Let me help you. I want to take care of you. This is all my…”
I laid a finger over his lips. I couldn’t bear to hear him so desperate, trying to look after me the way a man looks after a woman.
He kissed my finger and pulled my hand away from his mouth.